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Should there be "unconditional love" between spouses?

UnifiedFieldTheory

By UnifiedFieldTheory,
in Separation and Divorce

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threebyfate

threebyfate

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I can't imagine my entire family turning my back on me. One of my sisters struggled with this because she is a lesbian. She thought we would turn our backs to her. She hid herself, and was in NC for some time. We coaxed her out. When she revealed herself we loved her all the same. We already knew, actually, which came as a a great surprise to her. I would never turn my back on my family, and I am confident that they would never turn their back on me. The reason: we love each other.
Unconditional means without limitations or conditions. Absolute.

 

This means that no matter what someone does to you, you'll continue to love them and never reject them.

 

In other words, if say your mother were to punch you in the head to wake you up every morning, with unconditional love you would still love her dearly and not want anything back.

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Simon Attwood

Simon Attwood

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This means that no matter what someone does to you, you'll continue to love them and never reject them.

 

 

and here in lies my dilemma; my wife, rejected by the person that was supposed to love her at only a few weeks old, has an unconscious craving to have that babies need for unconditional love, fulfilled as an adult.

 

As an adult myself and the need to love myself, if her inner babies unconscious craving for unconditional love bursts out upon our relationship and becomes destructive, for her to learn that it is destructive within the unconscious parts of her brain that instigate this behaviour, my love must borderline between unconditional and conditional, her inner baby has to learn the lesson.

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threebyfate

threebyfate

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and here in lies my dilemma; my wife, rejected by the person that was supposed to love her at only a few weeks old, has an unconscious craving to have that babies need for unconditional love, fulfilled as an adult.

 

As an adult myself and the need to love myself, if her inner babies unconscious craving for unconditional love bursts out upon our relationship and becomes destructive, for her to learn that it is destructive within the unconscious parts of her brain that instigate this behaviour, my love must borderline between unconditional and conditional, her inner baby has to learn the lesson.

I don't know if she's getting or has gotten any long-term professional help. If not and at all possible, get her to see a professional before she breaks both of you.
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Eeyore79

Eeyore79

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I have unconditional love for my family, my partner, etc, but I also have boundaries regarding what I'm willing to put up with. Loving someone unconditionally doesn't mean putting up with their crap - it's ok to say "I love you, but I can't be with you because of your behaviour". Unconditional love means I'll do anything for them and will be there for them if they need me - but it doesn't mean that I'll let them walk all over me and treat me like crap.

 

My neighbour loves her daughter unconditionally - unfortunately her daughter is a drug addict who beats her and steals from her whenever she can. She therefore refuses to see her daughter, though she still loves her and would be there for her if anything serious happened.

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UnifiedFieldTheory

UnifiedFieldTheory

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So something has to change. What specifically would you like to see happen?

Wonderful memories...so do you imagine looking at those old photographs by yourself on lonely Friday nights, or burying them in a box in the back of the closet?

The spark...are you spending time in your mind imagining a new woman to give you that spark?

Do you have a woman in mind?

What do you think of my signature line?

 

Hmmm... do I imagine looking at the old photographs by myself? No... we have children. And if my marriage were to split, I hope it's an amicable one. One that allows us to be civil to one another. As for the spark, I'm thinking of what existed early in our marriage.

 

Believe me - I'm over 50 years old. I know about the reality of how green the grass really is. Never cheated, but in other terms - job, city, etc.

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You Go Girl

You Go Girl

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Hmmm... do I imagine looking at the old photographs by myself? No... we have children. And if my marriage were to split, I hope it's an amicable one. One that allows us to be civil to one another. As for the spark, I'm thinking of what existed early in our marriage.

 

Believe me - I'm over 50 years old. I know about the reality of how green the grass really is. Never cheated, but in other terms - job, city, etc.

 

Ok, I had to do a reality check on you. It appears that you have your feet planted on the ground and you're not hovering somewhere in la la land a few feet above reality.

The spark can always be fixed. It's a matter of both of you making a conscious decision to cherish each other. Unlike when you were hot teens in love and lust, and everything was so new, now you have to make a conscious decision to look at her everyday with new eyes, and she the same with you. You can discuss this and fix it. This is not unsurmountable. I really hope you can not only remember the girl she was and realize that they are the same person, but decide that the fact that her body has aged is not her fault, same with yours, and that the feelings of wanting to love and lust are still within you both.

I think with a little work your marriage is more than salvagable. Don't throw away 25 years without giving it your all...and I mean ALL!

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threebyfate

threebyfate

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I have unconditional love for my family, my partner, etc, but I also have boundaries regarding what I'm willing to put up with. Loving someone unconditionally doesn't mean putting up with their crap - it's ok to say "I love you, but I can't be with you because of your behaviour". Unconditional love means I'll do anything for them and will be there for them if they need me - but it doesn't mean that I'll let them walk all over me and treat me like crap.

 

My neighbour loves her daughter unconditionally - unfortunately her daughter is a drug addict who beats her and steals from her whenever she can. She therefore refuses to see her daughter, though she still loves her and would be there for her if anything serious happened.

This is called conditional love in both cases.
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UnifiedFieldTheory

UnifiedFieldTheory

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Ok, I had to do a reality check on you. It appears that you have your feet planted on the ground and you're not hovering somewhere in la la land a few feet above reality.

The spark can always be fixed. It's a matter of both of you making a conscious decision to cherish each other. Unlike when you were hot teens in love and lust, and everything was so new, now you have to make a conscious decision to look at her everyday with new eyes, and she the same with you. You can discuss this and fix it. This is not unsurmountable. I really hope you can not only remember the girl she was and realize that they are the same person, but decide that the fact that her body has aged is not her fault, same with yours, and that the feelings of wanting to love and lust are still within you both.

I think with a little work your marriage is more than salvagable. Don't throw away 25 years without giving it your all...and I mean ALL!

 

When you say "both" of us, I agree. We now enter our 4th year of counseling. How is it that a spouse can sit in counseling and not speak the truth? I don't get it, and it's a sign that she's not invested in doing her part to fix the M. As for my wife's body - it's the body of maybe a 30 year old... but I haven't seen many 30 year old bodies in a long time - unless you want to count the movies and magazines. As for me... I was a college athlete, and am still trim. A few joint aches, etc... I do want to love her - but with her bad habits, and the baggage, I also need to learn how to trust her - and that's the hard part.

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Lizzie60

Lizzie60

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There are only 2 kinds of unconditional love. A mother for her children and a dog for its owner. The rest are conditional.

 

 

My thought exactly... well said! ;)

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You Go Girl

You Go Girl

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When you say "both" of us, I agree. We now enter our 4th year of counseling. How is it that a spouse can sit in counseling and not speak the truth? I don't get it, and it's a sign that she's not invested in doing her part to fix the M. As for my wife's body - it's the body of maybe a 30 year old... but I haven't seen many 30 year old bodies in a long time - unless you want to count the movies and magazines. As for me... I was a college athlete, and am still trim. A few joint aches, etc... I do want to love her - but with her bad habits, and the baggage, I also need to learn how to trust her - and that's the hard part.

4 years of couseling--ouch. Is it time to change counselors?

 

What does she lie about in counseling? I assume you are not talking about yourself.

 

The trust issue--so there has been no progress in regards to intimacy? I don't mean sexual intimacy, I mean looking you in the eye and knowing who you are intimacy.

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Simon Attwood

Simon Attwood

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How is it that a spouse can sit in counseling and not speak the truth?

 

 

To understand how someone can lie convincingly, get yourself a copy of Daniel Goleman's "Vital Lies, Simple Truths; the psychology of self deception", and/or Cordelia Fine's "A Mind Of It's Own; how your brain distorts and deceives".

 

Does your counselor believe her lies or can he/she see through the deception?

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