Growing closer to friend, but barrier there against emotional investment

[GooseChaser]

Thank you!

 

The clear answer with the guy is to refuse friends with benefits. If he continues to want the physical relations that he has been chasing after for months and clearly cares about, he may just decide to go for it and pursue something more. He won't like losing that. It's good not to accept a lesser relationship where he gets everything with less work. If he has the feelings that he acts like he does, he'll go for it with a small push, with luck. If not, it's okay.

[GooseChaser]

I'm reading something about guys that don't want to commit, and it had some good ideas. You have to seem like you don't care. The more you seem like you want a commitment, the more they will run. Instead, you should act uninterested. He will notice a change and want to know why you are acting differently. That loss of interest would make him want to regain your interest.

 

He isn't serious about me right now, so of course in the same manner I shouldn't be serious about him. I need to give him space and time to think. Rather than chasing him, I should wait for him to feel that desire and act on it... as the man. While I'm at it, I will work on making new friends and making sure I am happy and fulfilled. Hopefully then I won't be as easy to satisfy with less-than-satisfactory effort on his part. He needs to work to get me! Hehe.

[LisaLee]

(((Goosechaser)))

 

For the record, I got nothing more out of those texts than what Star Gazer already noted. In fact, it was almost painful to read because of his bluntness. You look at his honesty as being a positive thing, I view the things he has said as disrespectful! Nbody with an ounce of dignity would allow someone to talk to then in that way. I am not saying you are lacking dignity, but there is a hole somewhere in your life to not only allow but enable someone to talk to you in such a manner... to basically say he wants you as nothing more than a f)(k buddy... at one point he flat out said I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU. If he is not even physically attracted to you how do you expect a meaningful relationship to develop? I do not mean to sound shallow, but physical attraction do matter to people.

 

What is worse, if he goes ahead with this FWB plan then he must be fully aware that he is leading you on. He knows you are absolutely crazy about him, but he obviously does not feel the same way.

 

I feel like I am watching a train wreck. Actually, I feel like I am watching a train wreck that I have been in before, which makes it all the harder. I hope you are not too attached to this guy, and it really is your loneliness that is clouding your judgment.

[GooseChaser]

(((Goosechaser)))

 

For the record, I got nothing more out of those texts than what Star Gazer already noted. In fact, it was almost painful to read because of his bluntness. You look at his honesty as being a positive thing, I view the things he has said as disrespectful! Nbody with an ounce of dignity would allow someone to talk to then in that way. I am not saying you are lacking dignity, but there is a hole somewhere in your life to not only allow but enable someone to talk to you in such a manner... to basically say he wants you as nothing more than a f)(k buddy... at one point he flat out said I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU. If he is not even physically attracted to you how do you expect a meaningful relationship to develop? I do not mean to sound shallow, but physical attraction do matter to people.

 

What is worse, if he goes ahead with this FWB plan then he must be fully aware that he is leading you on. He knows you are absolutely crazy about him, but he obviously does not feel the same way.

 

I feel like I am watching a train wreck. Actually, I feel like I am watching a train wreck that I have been in before, which makes it all the harder. I hope you are not too attached to this guy, and it really is your loneliness that is clouding your judgment.

Well, I appreciate and respect his honesty and how forthcoming he is in his words, so it doesn't bother me.

 

Well, that's probably exactly why he would choose me to be a FWB. He doesn't feel strongly enough about me to want to commit in a relationship, isn't willing to put in effort to make one work, but he still wants the benefits. I can't accept that.

 

I can't understand how a guy could be physical with a girl for so long and claim he is not attracted. It's so strange.

[GooseChaser]

Here's something I'd like to mention; it's a quote from something I'm reading about a specific friends with benefits situation online, and I thought it brought up an interesting thought:

 

"Secondly, it’s really great that you’re not putting out right away. Props. Not only are you protecting yourself and your feelings, but that also proves that he wants something more if he’s sticking around. This has clearly been running it’s course for a while; if he just wanted to get laid he’d have gotten frustrated and given up a long time ago. Guys are simple that way. Sure, we’ll pursue something that we can’t have, but if we’re just looking for a quick lay, there’s not a chance that we’ll text incessantly and baby you if you’re sick."

 

He is my friend, and he has shown that he doesn't mind how much we have sex. It could be multiple times a week, or none at all, and he would still want to spend time with me. That goes for making out too. He has the self-restraint that he can handle it and not have his ego be bruised. In fact, sometimes he will even say he "isn't in the mood," like yesterday. He is primarily a friend, then, and that is something positive. He does like me for me. I know, you could argue that he is just doing it to get something he wants, but I think even if I told him I didn't want to be involved, he wouldn't drop me as a friend. He does care. For example, one time I got sick, and he wished me to "get well soon." He has recently observed that I am feeling lonely, and he responded by inviting me to go to a comedy show (probably just as friends) and sending me a funny video on youtube to look up. I think that's really sweet, and I don't see that a lot, either, so I appreciate it. Another big one-- he is constantly checking to be sure that I am not feeling hurt.

[GooseChaser]

Another positive thing is that I have had sex with him, and he has not decided to "poof" and disappear. He is still around. Of course, it would benefit him to stay around, haha, but it shows that he wants more than a one-night stand. There are people out there who really WOULD HAVE left after that and never spoken to me again, knowing they got what they wanted.

 

Another big thing is that he is willing to be exclusive with me sexually. For now, I can rest my worries, knowing that I am the only one he is involved with.

Edited September 18, 2010 by GooseChaser

[PixieStix]

Another positive thing is that I have had sex with him, and he has not decided to "poof" and disappear. He is still around. Of course, it would benefit him to stay around, haha, but it shows that he wants more than a one-night stand. There are people out there who really WOULD HAVE left after that and never spoken to me again, knowing they got what they wanted.

 

Another big thing is that he is willing to be exclusive with me sexually. For now, I can rest my worries, knowing that I am the only one he is involved with.

 

You are only going to get hurt by someone like this guy. You are getting attached to him emotionally and he is only there for the sex. I know it is hard to hear. This is not a relationship, so why are you expecting him to behave like it is one?

[GooseChaser]

You are only going to get hurt by someone like this guy. You are getting attached to him emotionally and he is only there for the sex. I know it is hard to hear. This is not a relationship, so why are you expecting him to behave like it is one?

I know it's not a relationship, there's no need for everyone to keep reminding me. We are friends, and we have made it into an exclusive thing. I know it's just for fun for now. It is like we are in a relationship, in a way, just a few pieces missing is all. Commitment, love... I'm willing to offer both. I don't expect him to act like it is one, but I wouldn't mind if we eventually went in that direction. By the way, he is the one who proposed the exclusivity, so I didn't force him into that. It is what he wanted.

[Star Gazer]

By the way, he is the one who proposed the exclusivity, so I didn't force him into that. It is what he wanted.

 

That's not how I read his texts AT ALL.

 

He said he wanted you to have "sexual freedom." He's telling you he wants you to be able to f*** others, and so that he can too.

 

Yes, he did ask you the question, "You want to be friends with benefits and not be physical with anyone else?" and "But my question is you don't want me involved with other women sexually if I'm to be ****ing you?"... but wasn't proposing exclusivity, he was asking you if that was YOUR expectation. Nowhere in his texts does he say that's what HE wants. Him telling you that he wants you to have sexual freedom should tell you exactly the opposite, in fact.

 

[GooseChaser]

That's not how I read his texts AT ALL.

 

He said he wanted you to have "sexual freedom." He's telling you he wants you to be able to f*** others, and so that he can too.

 

Yes, he did ask you the question, "You want to be friends with benefits and not be physical with anyone else?" and "But my question is you don't want me involved with other women sexually if I'm to be ****ing you?"... but wasn't proposing exclusivity, he was asking you if that was YOUR expectation. Nowhere in his texts does he say that's what HE wants. Him telling you that he wants you to have sexual freedom should tell you exactly the opposite, in fact.

 

Hm, so maybe what he really wants himself is to have that "freedom" to be involved with others? I see what you're saying. Personally, I would prefer being only with one person at a time, so that's what I told him. Apparently, he was okay with that.

 

After that, he talked about how he had taken such a long break without having sex with anyone in hopes of winning that other girl, mentioning that "[i'm] the first person I f***ed since [College]." That showed that he had patience and was able to wait for her to be ready for that kind of relationship-- which I respect in him-- though it never worked out between them. I told him that I would prefer exclusivity for health and emotional reasons, and he understood that. He went on to say, "I seem promiscuous but I'm not really. I'll respect your health... [but] I don't want to get attached."

[GooseChaser]

I think there's more room for hope and optimism here than you guys think. You guys are being too quick to dismiss hope when it is there. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. I'll be careful and see where things go! I'll be fine! Don't worry too much about me, I can take care of myself! I appreciate your concern though! Thank you!

Edited September 18, 2010 by GooseChaser

[PixieStix]

I think there's more room for hope and optimism here than you guys think. You guys are being too quick to dismiss hope when it is there. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. I'll be careful and see where things go! I'll be fine! Don't worry too much about me, I can take care of myself! I appreciate your concern though! Thank you!

 

 

Honey once men get the cookie without strings attached, you can forget any sort of commitment in the future. Thats just how it works. Best of luck!

[GooseChaser]

Honey once men get the cookie without strings attached, you can forget any sort of commitment in the future. Thats just how it works. Best of luck!

 

You might be right there, and you bring up an interesting point that I would like to address! You know what, guys, there was nothing I could have done to make him fall for me. We were physical together without sex for three months, and he never decided to commit during that time. I can't force him to have strong feelings for me, as much as I'd like to, and that's how it goes. It's not my fault, and I did nothing wrong. It's nothing to beat myself up over. I know I'm a great person, and someday I will find someone who appreciates that and wants that meaningful connection with me. It's only a matter of time!

Edited September 19, 2010 by GooseChaser

[GooseChaser]

I didn't manage to see him today. I tried twice to catch the bus to see him. The first time, my dad wanted to pick me up so we could go to dinner, so I said fine and went and had a nice time with them. (They thought I was just out to exercise that time, hehe, they didn't know I was actually trying to catch a bus! ) The second time they actually intercepted me a MINUTE before I caught the bus, driving by and catching me at the bus stop, and FORCED me to come home. I had made a mistake and told them what street I was on... lesson learned. I won't make that mistake again. They're being overprotective and saying I have to stay home because I didn't tell them I was leaving (if I had I wouldn't have been able to go-- they say they want honesty, but they can't handle it ("You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!")), it was late (I was safe enough, I don't know why they have to worry so much, I am an adult), and I had had a drink (big deal). They clearly don't believe I can take care of myself. That's a whole different issue though....

 

Anyway, I'm going to see him tomorrow hopefully. Today he was very nice about the whole thing, understood that I was having difficulties reaching him, and was supportive. I'm looking forward to seeing him.

Edited September 19, 2010 by GooseChaser

[GooseChaser]

For everyone's information, our original plans for tonight were to go dancing at a club. It sounded like fun. He says he really enjoys dancing.

[LisaLee]

Wow... aren't you like 21? And I thought my mom was controlling...

[GooseChaser]

Wow... aren't you like 21? And I thought my mom was controlling...

Yeah, they just love that I'm still living at home and take it as permission to try to tell me how to live my life, what I can and can't do, and who I can and can't see. They need more hobbies, because they have way too much free time to focus on me and what I'm up to. The guy thinks they're very controlling too.

 

I'm thinking about showing them this article : http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1785950/how_to_deal_with_controlling_parents.html?cat=25

[LisaLee]

You should put your energies into gaining independence from the 'rents rather than this guy. That is scary controlling for a girl your age.

[GooseChaser]

You should put your energies into gaining independence from the 'rents rather than this guy. That is scary controlling for a girl your age.

Maybe that's a good idea. I'm working on it. I'm thinking that I will take more control over my life by waking up early to take the bus to school, and taking the bus other places (I especially like going during my break in between classes, because my parents have no way of finding out about those trips. ). I love having a bus pass because it gives me some freedom to do things on my own without my parents. It really helps add to my independence. It's made a big difference!

 

Do you have any ideas of ways I could gain more independence from them? Do I need to have a talk with them about how I am an adult and all that good stuff?

[Els]

You said you don't understand how a guy can have sex with someone he isn't attracted to. Guys are guys - sex is sex. Frankly I think half the single male population would have sex with a girl they don't even LIKE, if it was free.

[GooseChaser]

I see, thanks.

 

My plan is to see him a few more times to get to talk with him more thoroughly, measure if there is hope for the future, and just have fun. I won't be heartbroken if it doesn't work out. I can't force him to love me, though I am willing to offer love myself. All I know is, I shouldn't let a friends with benefits thing go on for a long time, just long enough for me to visit a few times, and no more if he is not serious. He would definitely take full advantage of this FWB relationship if I let him, so it is my responsibility to set a limit to protect myself and to let him know that FWB is very temporary. Again, if he wishes to ask me out, which I understand is unlikely now, he can do that! It seems like he just didn't feel that way about me, though, and there was nothing I oould do to change his mind. I did what I could. It's not a bad loss, though, there are plenty of wonderful men out there who I could love too.

 

I have plans to visit him today at his place. I don't know if he'll still want to go out dancing today; he might, but he sounds like he also wants to stay in for a time. I'm looking forward to it! I'm going to have a good talk with him and have fun. I'm going to try to be honest and express my feelings. Again, I will not be heartbroken, don't worry about me, guys. I'm okay, and I know what I'm getting into.

 

Man, though, last night, the fact that I had drank that bottle of beer was definitely an issue when I was trying to go out. It's probably because they knew I wanted to see him, and they didn't want me to have alcohol in my system when I did. You know what, though, I felt totally fine, not drunk at all, maybe a bit buzzed, and my parents really need to trust my judgment and ability to take care of myself and mind their own business! I'm an adult, 21 years of age, and can make my own decisions! Let me make my own mistakes so I can learn from them! Back off, Mom and Dad! Don't get me wrong, though, I love them and appreciate that they care; they just need to give me my privacy and space. Freedom would be nice too. They say they need to trust me to give me freedom, but I think I should have some measure of freedom automatically solely because of my age. Why should they have that power over me to make decisions in my private life? I compare it to the United States government-- for example, the well-known writer Rousseau makes this same comparison between families and governments. Does the United States trust its citizens? No!!! Even so, they still are given their freedom, as it is their right! I would like that same consideration! I am not a child, and they should stop treating me like one!

Edited September 19, 2010 by GooseChaser

[GooseChaser]

Hey guys! I'll go ahead and update you on how our date went yesterday! Before you ask, I say "date" because we had a fun time together and he paid for me to get whatever I wanted for dinner (I just got a small hot chocolate since I wasn't hungry) and also a few drinks later that night. He even gave me some money so I could afford the bus ride home as well, because I ran out of money! So sweet! Okay! Here goes!

 

I started off by taking the bus toward his place to meet him. I took a few buses, spending $3 on the tickets-- all I had on me (lol, I'm poor)-- and finding I had no more money and had lost my bus pass at home, I could not make it the rest of the way to see him as I could not afford the fee for the last bus ride without monetary assistance. I called him telling him this and asking him if he would take the bus to my stop to meet me halfway, and he agreed. He got off at my stop and we had a nice big hug in greeting. We walked a few blocks to the nearby college campus, sat down on a bench, and talked for about an hour, I'd estimate. I wasn't keeping track of the time, however.

 

After that talk, we walked to the bus stop and started waiting. He soon discovered a hidden location with chairs behind the bus stop-- how unexpected!-- and of course he takes the chance to kiss for a few minutes. Upon hearing the bus arrive, we got up and embarked. We went to the very back of the bus, and we sat very close together so that our legs and shoulders touched. It was a nice close feeling. On the ride we just talked some more, mostly small talk.

 

We got off of the bus, and he directed us toward a neighborhood, saying he needed to find a private place to go to the bathroom. He found a relatively private area, an alley with a driveway and garages on the sides, found a bush, and did his business. Then he approached me again to make out and he got a little more aggressive this time. We went on with that until someone drove up to the garage next to us in their car and parked, and then we walked off toward a restaurant near his home that he likes.

 

Getting to the restaurant, I told him about how I had no money to take the bus, and he gave me three more dollars to use for that purpose. He told me I could get whatever I wanted to eat for dinner. I didn't hear him say that, and thinking I could only use that $3 I had newly acquired, and also not being hungry, I simply got a small hot chocolate. He got a steak burrito or something-- sounded great! Next time I go I will get something more filling. The place seems to have good food.

 

He then showed me around and introduced me to the club scene along that street, which was a lot of fun! He is fond of gay clubs in particular because he sees gay people as less inhibited, more fun, and more social. I personally don't have the experience to compare, but if he likes it, that's fine with me. :3 We went into a larger restaurant-and-bar-type place to settle down for a while. There were a lot of young people there, and I got to meet a few friends of his, and they were really nice. I got a funny picture of me taken by my guy with two of those (gay) guys holding me up in their arms, haha! (He suggested it.) After that, we just relaxed at the table and watched the drag queen show that was going on. I've never seen them in person, not to mention a whole show, so it was quite fascinating. (Lol, men in high heels.) He got to do a bit of music history reading while we waited for the waiter. The waiter arrived, and we ordered martinis. He had one, and I had two. I could feel I was getting a bit tipsy from the first one, but I wanted to get drunk, so I ordered a second. It took a while to really take effect, but it did eventually. It was my first time getting drunk! I don't drink much, and I am female and a lightweight, so of course it had a significant effect on me because I have no tolerance built up. Being drunk makes me tired, so I leaned on his shoulder a lot that night. He also put his arm around me for a good amount of time-- I LOVE that feeling. It's so warm!

 

From what it seemed like last night, I am a happy drunk. I found everything hilarious and was cracking up the whole way to his place. Ahaha. xD He was a gentleman and held my arm and hand to help steady me a bit, because I was swerving in my stride. It was hard to walk in a straight line. My mind felt fairly clear, though. Things just seemed a bit slower.

 

We then went back to his place. We say hi to his mom, then go straight to his room and start making out. Being drunk actually sorta made it feel better. I think my inhibitions were a bit lower and I was more open about how I enjoyed kissing him, ahaha! It was fun, and I still knew what I was doing, so it was okay. xD We went slow but eventually moved on to sex. Even when we have sex, he still enjoys kissing, which is a good thing. We talked a bit while we were there too. We communicated what we wanted to each other, and talked about the night and other stuff I can't remember at the moment. I was sooo in the mood tonight. It wasn't even funny. x] He said that I've really changed over time-- that I have, bud. I'm much more comfortable about these things now. I used to be deathly afraid of sex, partially because of my parents and upbringing, and partially from inexperience. (On a related note, the other day he sent me a text which read, "Oooh, girl, you're sooo bad." Ehehehe. x]]) By the end I was no longer as drunk.

 

At a certain point we could tell that I wouldn't be able to make it to the last bus of the night, so he allowed me to stay the night at his place. We slept next to each other in the same bed. He'd never slept with someone else that way (neither had I), and he had trouble at first falling asleep, but we stayed quiet and eventually we both did fall asleep.

 

I thought the night went really well, better than I could have ever hoped, and that makes me happy. The main thing that bothered me was that in the morning he seemed a bit distant, not even a hug or anything. He was just in his own world. It's okay, though, he can have his space and the right to being lost in his own thoughts. It was just weird, though, I mean, dude, you have a girl in your bedroom, at least give me a kiss good morning or something, stupid! Ahaha! He might have just been distracted thinking about the upcoming school day.

 

The other thing that bothered me was that I asked him what he would do if I accidentally became pregnant, despite our precautions to have safe sex. He said that he wasn't ready for the responsibility of raising a child at this time in his life (I'm not either), and he would want me to get rid of it rather than giving birth to it, if possible. That's something to think about.

 

Anyway, he left to campus (by the way, he goes to the same community college I do). His mother peeked her head in the door later on. She is SUPER nice, and was very hospitable, offering to make me some oatmeal with raisins and brown sugar. She also gave me an orange and a bottled water. My parents would never in a million years be so accepting of me bringing a boy over, especially to stay the night. Well, hey, I guess I have a new place besides home I can stay in case of emergency! That's a nice thought!

 

Overall: I had a fantastic night, and am feeling great about how it went.

 

:love:

 

I have nothing more to add. Comment away as desired.

 

Edit: Aww, now his mom is allowing me to take their dog out on a walk! I'm not sure if she's coming too; she might be! How fun!

Edited September 20, 2010 by GooseChaser

[GooseChaser]

Oh, one more thing! We were talking together about our relative crushes who rejected us, and we sorta supported each other about that. He actually comes up next to me and puts us in front of a mirror naked, has us face our backs toward it, and says, "We should take a photo of this and send it to [my past guy crush] on Valentine's Day." Aw.... That would be so weird if I actually did that, because both guys are friends of mine, and my past guy crush would probably be shocked because I used to be so puritan in my approach toward sex. As my present guy said, "[i've] changed."

 

Being rejected by that other guy who I really liked and was close to was what made me change my feelings about premarital sex and give up permanent premarital abstinence. I don't want to lose other guys I love because of abstinence. I know that this may not be love, but it could transform into that. There is still hope, and I won't give it up just yet. It's too early to do that.

Edited September 20, 2010 by GooseChaser

[GooseChaser]

I'd like to thank everyone for contributing so much help to my thread and making it such a highly commented-on thread. Thank you all!

[GooseChaser]

Here are a few positive things I have noticed since last time.

 

1. He was quite the gentleman. I was impressed!

2. His mom and mom's "friend" were very hospitable and made feel welcome and even like a member of the family. They acted that familiar toward me. It seems like he speaks well of me to them!

3. He enjoys kissing.