Growing closer to friend, but barrier there against emotional investment

[LisaLee]

Good luck with that, Goose! Have you talked to your parents about their control issues?

[GooseChaser]

Good luck with that, Goose! Have you talked to your parents about their control issues?

Thank you! About my parents, I've talked to them about it a bit, but I think we still have a ways to go with that.

 

I just asked him, "Where do you see this stuff going?" He said, "FWBs, nothing more nothing less." That's something, at least he isn't calling us "just friends" anymore. I didn't like that at all, especially when we are clearly more than just friends. I suppose if that is how he feels and he doesn't want to be in a relationship, that's okay with me. I can't force him to have deeper feelings. He has to develop them on his own. If he never does, that is okay too. This FWB thing is fulfilling a need for companionship in me and I'm getting some of that libido taken care of too. It's nice being this close to him too. I'm enjoying it.

Edited September 21, 2010 by GooseChaser

[GooseChaser]

If I accepted FWB, though, it would likely become nothing more, as he says himself? If I rejected the FWB situation, would there be a better chance that he would pursue me, or maybe he would just fade away?

[Els]

If I accepted FWB, though, it would likely become nothing more, as he says himself? If I rejected the FWB situation, would there be a better chance that he would pursue me, or maybe he would just fade away?

 

Does it matter? Even if you DID finally manage to 'drag' him into a relationship with you by either being FWB with him or rejecting the FWB, do you think he would have agreed because he's in love with you, or because he just doesn't want to lose what he currently has?

 

Look, if you're happy with the way things are, then by all means hang on and enjoy it. Just don't expect more. Don't expect that good morning kiss. Don't expect him to take responsibility for any kids you might have (and I would strongly advise using BOTH birth control and condoms if you do proceed, because you really, really don't want to raise a child or have an abortion without anyone there for support). Don't expect to use this FWB situation to get what you really want - a relationship.

 

I don't see anything wrong with using him for no-strings-attached sex, fun, and companionship while waiting for Mr. Right to come along, either. That's what FWBs are for, no? But I really doubt you can do it.

[GooseChaser]

Does it matter? Even if you DID finally manage to 'drag' him into a relationship with you by either being FWB with him or rejecting the FWB, do you think he would have agreed because he's in love with you, or because he just doesn't want to lose what he currently has?

 

Look, if you're happy with the way things are, then by all means hang on and enjoy it. Just don't expect more. Don't expect that good morning kiss. Don't expect him to take responsibility for any kids you might have (and I would strongly advise using BOTH birth control and condoms if you do proceed, because you really, really don't want to raise a child or have an abortion without anyone there for support). Don't expect to use this FWB situation to get what you really want - a relationship.

 

I don't see anything wrong with using him for no-strings-attached sex, fun, and companionship while waiting for Mr. Right to come along, either. That's what FWBs are for, no? But I really doubt you can do it.

Of course, even if we were committed, I would do everything in my power to take precautions against pregnancy. I don't want a pregnancy yet, because I am not ready and would want to have a man by my side to help support us and raising the child. I DO want kids someday, though, when I am older and married.

 

I am using just condoms right now. I am going to look for morning-after pills in case of condoms breaking. I also have two pregnancy tests just in case I want to make sure everything's cool and I am not pregnant. I WAS looking into birth control pills, but I don't have sex that frequently, and I don't know if it would be worth the cost for a bit more protection when I only do it about once a week or so. As far as abortion, I would prefer not to have to make that choice. I think I would possibly carry out the pregnancy if I had to be in that scenario, whether he helped me or not. I'd hope that he'd have a change of heart and be there at least. I don't care if he's not my boyfriend or husband; it seems a bit heartless not to care about the welfare of your own child, whom you helped bring into the world. Maybe he would be willing to be there, but he is just being cautious and trying to discourage me from becoming pregnant on purpose.

 

If I can't handle FWBs, I will end it. He'll understand. He doesn't want to hurt me, and he wants to be sure we stay friends throughout the experience and after it's over too. He may also cut it off if he deems it necessary for whatever reason.

 

We have plans to go out dancing next Friday! Looking forward to it!

Edited September 21, 2010 by GooseChaser

[Star Gazer]

If I accepted FWB, though, it would likely become nothing more, as he says himself? If I rejected the FWB situation, would there be a better chance that he would pursue me, or maybe he would just fade away?

 

Either way, it will become nothing more.

 

But in staying in, what you're virtually guaranteeing yourself is a broken heart. You say you won't be broken hearted if it continues and doesn't go anywhere, but you use the word "love" in your posts far too many times to believe you're not in over your head emotionally.

[GooseChaser]

Either way, it will become nothing more.

 

But in staying in, what you're virtually guaranteeing yourself is a broken heart. You say you won't be broken hearted if it continues and doesn't go anywhere, but you use the word "love" in your posts far too many times to believe you're not in over your head emotionally.

We knew what we were getting into. If we weren't willing to take risks, why did we cross the line of friendship? We crossed the line, big time, no going back now. I'm not afraid. I welcome emotion and excitement.

[LisaLee]

Agree with SG. You brush off the potential of it ending, but I believe if it does end you are going to take it much harder than you realize.

[GooseChaser]

Agree with SG. You brush off the potential of it ending, but I believe if it does end you are going to take it much harder than you realize.

Probably. I'm already emotionally involved, anyway, you know. I just have to try to make the best of it. Anyway, at least I know not to have too high of expectations.

[GooseChaser]

From the article "Friends with Benefits: Can You Handle It?"

 

Use your judgment

 

Any woman considering entering a "friends with benefits" arrangement should be aware that it will most likely be difficult for her to avoid becoming emotionally attached to her partner. It is impossible to control the chemicals in your body, so it would probably be best to avoid a situation that triggers that particular chemical unless you are willing to accept the inevitable pain that accompanies rejection by a lover.

 

I know I'll most likely be rejected. At least I have that knowledge to prepare me for the blow.

[GooseChaser]

It seems to me that in a FWB arrangement, most of the benefit goes to the men and their need for physical attachment. They get their physical needs taken care of, and don't need to care about the woman's emotional needs. Relationships, then, are more friendly to women, especially if a FWB thing isn't exclusive.

[GooseChaser]

Do you guys recommend that I would get birth control pills even if I am not extremely sexually active, just for the added protection to supplement condoms? I hear that there are methods to get very low-price or even free birth control, so that would be nice, but I wouldn't want to get poor, low-quality birth control pills, either.

[GooseChaser]

Honestly, I don't really feel like I love him yet; I know how much he worries about me getting "too attached", and that he doesn't feel the same way, so I can't let myself get carried away too fast, you know. Knowing that helps hold myself back. I do like him a lot though. He's nice and I enjoy knowing him and spending time with him too.

[tigressA]

I honestly believe you are setting yourself up for a world of pain if you enter into a FWB arrangement with this guy. He was clear in what he wanted: nothing more than FWB. You said in your other thread this is not what you wanted. You sound like you're willing to settle now, but with how you're obsessing over this whole thing, clearly you're not feeling casual enough to enter into a casual sex arrangement. Please, please, please don't become further involved with this guy, for your own well-being.

[Els]

We knew what we were getting into. If we weren't willing to take risks, why did we cross the line of friendship? We crossed the line, big time, no going back now. I'm not afraid. I welcome emotion and excitement.

 

HE didn't cross any lines, GC. I don't think you understand that 'friends with benefits' isn't any closer, emotionally, to a guy than 'friends'.

 

 

It seems to me that in a FWB arrangement, most of the benefit goes to the men and their need for physical attachment. They get their physical needs taken care of, and don't need to care about the woman's emotional needs. Relationships, then, are more friendly to women, especially if a FWB thing isn't exclusive.

 

Correct.

 

Do you guys recommend that I would get birth control pills even if I am not extremely sexually active, just for the added protection to supplement condoms? I hear that there are methods to get very low-price or even free birth control, so that would be nice, but I wouldn't want to get poor, low-quality birth control pills, either.

 

Yes, please do. There isn't really such a thing as a low-quality birth control pill, unless you get one off the black market. Generics are theoretically supposed to be very close to the patented ones in terms of efficacy, and while the older-generation ones are cheaper and supposedly have more side effects, side effects really depends on the person more than anything else.

 

As for him sticking around just because it's his child... you have no guarantee of that. Not EVEN if you were in a relationship in which the guy says he does not want a child yet. It is even worse in your case because you're not in one. Always prepare for the worst case scenario - CAN you raise a child on your own, right now? Judging from your current parental/financial situation, I think the answer is a resounding no.

[GooseChaser]

HE didn't cross any lines, GC. I don't think you understand that 'friends with benefits' isn't any closer, emotionally, to a guy than 'friends'.

No, that isn't true. I'm not talking about emotional lines; there was a clear physical line crossed, but girls can often translate that into emotion, so...

 

Yes, please do. There isn't really such a thing as a low-quality birth control pill, unless you get one off the black market. Generics are theoretically supposed to be very close to the patented ones in terms of efficacy, and while the older-generation ones are cheaper and supposedly have more side effects, side effects really depends on the person more than anything else.

 

As for him sticking around just because it's his child... you have no guarantee of that. Not EVEN if you were in a relationship in which the guy says he does not want a child yet. It is even worse in your case because you're not in one. Always prepare for the worst case scenario - CAN you raise a child on your own, right now? Judging from your current parental/financial situation, I think the answer is a resounding no.

I have no intention of having a child so young and getting pregnant on purpose. With all of the different birth control methods I could use together, if I grouped them, it could work really well and make pregnancy very, very unlikely. As we all know, though, the risk is never reduced to 0%.

 

At this point, I still have three or four years of college left. I have been attending community college for two years, and this is my third year now; after that, I am moving on to a larger four-year university to complete my undergraduate degree. After earning that diploma, I hope to start working or continue on to grad school. Clearly, I have many years of school and education ahead of me. In addition, I have very little money saved up and have not had many paid jobs. I hope to get hired and save money before too long.

 

I am not ready to raise a child. I suppose if I really didn't want to get rid of a pregnancy but still didn't want to raise it I could give it over to be adopted. That would be so sad though! I don't know, I'm sure my parents would help me out. They like kids, especially my mom. They'd be upset if I was pregnant before marriage, as would I be, but if that's how it had to be, I'm sure they'd act in the baby's best interest, and I would too.

 

Oh man. I woke up this morning with a guy next to me. From what he said, I thought it was the FWB guy, and spoke to him as if it was, maybe even calling him by the FWB's name. LOL. I must have been half asleep. I was like, "What are you doing here?" I was pretty shocked that he would sneak over like that, haha. He goes, "I love you," and thinking it's the FWB, I'm like, "!!! What?! Aww! I love you too!" I hope I didn't make it too obvious who I thought he was; it turned out to be my DAD. Argh, silly me!

 

Oh God, I'm getting really bad. Where is my mind going? I'm losing it. I'm falling for him.

 

I don't know, how is this risking getting hurt any more than a regular dating couple with whom things don't work out? Don't people decide that the risk of getting hurt is worth it to them, because sometimes you have to take chances like that and be vulnerable that way?

Edited September 21, 2010 by GooseChaser

[Els]

This risk of getting hurt is way more than a regular couple, because the couple at least STARTED with mutual feelings for each other. Yours is more someone having a crush on someone who doesn't feel the same about her, AND having sex with that person and thus making the crush worse. I don't know why you keep convincing yourself that 'there's a chance', GC. What IF you keep on like this, then finally decide to give him an ultimatum and he says, 'Okay, we can date'. What would you think his motives are??? Would you truly be happy?

 

And yes, if you combine BC the risk of getting pregnant still isn't 0, but it's still better than only having 1 method of contraception.

[GooseChaser]

This risk of getting hurt is way more than a regular couple, because the couple at least STARTED with mutual feelings for each other. Yours is more someone having a crush on someone who doesn't feel the same about her, AND having sex with that person and thus making the crush worse. I don't know why you keep convincing yourself that 'there's a chance', GC. What IF you keep on like this, then finally decide to give him an ultimatum and he says, 'Okay, we can date'. What would you think his motives are??? Would you truly be happy?

 

And yes, if you combine BC the risk of getting pregnant still isn't 0, but it's still better than only having 1 method of contraception.

Yes, I've thought of the fact that he could agree to dating just to not lose what he has. I would only be able to go by my own judgment and try to see if I believed he was being genuine and honest with me about being interested for real. We're sorta in between right now; I feel fortunate that he proposed an exclusive FWB, because FWB is NOT always exclusive, at all. It helps it feel a bit better. Having sex with him might be emotional and make my crush worse, but it could have that same effect on him too. Of course, I know there's no guarantee of him ever having feelings, especially if he is determined never to be more than FWBs. I know there might not be a chance. We do go on some pseudo-dates, and there are times where it seems like we could be a nice couple. There have been people that have commented that we are cute together. As he said, two people who are interested in each other have to hang out different places and find out for themselves if the other person makes them happy. Maybe he's trying to figure that out. I'm not going to give up completely, though I know our chances aren't good, the way he insists on "FWB, no more no less." I'm willing to take chances, though.

[Els]

If he felt the way you do regarding the sex, fun you had on pseudo-dates, etc, do you not think he would not still be insisting that you're 'FWB and nothing else'? Evidently everything you perceive and feel is one-sided, GC.

 

Still, noone can spare you the pain except yourself. Do what you must - your parents have evidently sheltered you too much from the real world, and any bit of experience that will not seriously damage you will leave you stronger.

[GooseChaser]

Part of it is that I'm not totally his usual "type." He usually goes after the women he perceives as "wild and dangerous". I think he sees me as more of the "sweet, soft (gentle)" type, which he does like too. We're making plans to go out dancing and things and visit clubs, so maybe I'll get a chance to show him a different side of me. It'll be fun. I don't let this stuff stress me out too much.

[GooseChaser]

I'd like to add "stable" and "safe" to my qualities.

 

If he felt the way you do regarding the sex, fun you had on pseudo-dates, etc, do you not think he would not still be insisting that you're 'FWB and nothing else'? Evidently everything you perceive and feel is one-sided, GC.

 

Still, noone can spare you the pain except yourself. Do what you must - your parents have evidently sheltered you too much from the real world, and any bit of experience that will not seriously damage you will leave you stronger.

Yep! I think it's good to break out from the sheltered bubble of the parents.

 

Let me tell you, though, I've had my heart broken before. I'm no stranger to it. It's probably worst the first time. The guy before literally tore my heart out, chewed it up, spit it out, and stomped it. He didn't care. I couldn't have been more hurt as I was by that guy, and by comparison, I don't think pain from experiences from this guy would hurt nearly as badly. This guy has always treated me well and with respect. He is constantly asking to be sure that I am not hurt and trying to figure out how attached I'm getting. He can clearly see it's happening. (Hey, maybe it's an invitation for him to further consider his own feelings and if he could feel the same way someday.) He really cares about how I feel; he just might not feel the same way, but that doesn't exclude him from feeling sympathetic toward me.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if the feelings are one-sided. In FWB situations, the woman is typically the one that develops feelings. Men are just better-equipped for it. Women are built for relationships. We are designed to desire more. Maybe that's one of the driving forces that helps couples go toward one-- having one person wanting more.

Edited September 21, 2010 by GooseChaser

[Els]

Ah, I see. I'm not sure what advice you're looking for, then? You ask if there's any chance or anything you can do to make it happen, and everyone says no. Everyone says, 'If you want more, you need to forget this guy'. Yet you don't want to. So what sort of advice are you expecting from posting here?

[GooseChaser]

Ah, I see. I'm not sure what advice you're looking for, then? You ask if there's any chance or anything you can do to make it happen, and everyone says no. Everyone says, 'If you want more, you need to forget this guy'. Yet you don't want to. So what sort of advice are you expecting from posting here?

Hmm, that's a good question; well, it's like it says in the topic title. I mainly started the topic to see if people thought it could become more, and it seems likely that it won't, no matter what I do. I can't change his mind or feelings no matter how hard I try or how much I want him to. I think I'm okay with that and just spending time with him as a friend... with benefits. I do like the company. I realized the other day that I'm actually a bit lonely-- sometimes you forget. He's one of the constants in my life right now, and one of the people closest to me at this time. I've known him since high school. I never had feelings for him back then; it started this year when we started to get physical after he pursued it-- and yes, he did pursue it.

 

I'm not interested in anyone else at this time, though I am keeping my eyes open for others. Just yesterday I noticed this boy who sat next to me in English class. He was subtly looking my way at times throughout the class, and 20 minutes after it's over he's still sitting there, spinning a bit in his chair and twirling an eraser. I think he's shy... cutie! I'm still looking and keeping myself open to finding someone else, the guy I am with as a FWB is just that, a temporary guy to spend time with for fun, and nothing more it seems. That's okay. There are plenty of other great guys out there, and I will have no trouble finding one. I'm an attractive young woman, and only moving up in life.

[Els]

That's cool then. All the best, and you might want to try chatting up the boy in English class.

[GooseChaser]

That's cool then. All the best, and you might want to try chatting up the boy in English class.

It's good to get help, input, and support here! I really appreciate it! Thank you!

 

I will definitely go talk to the boy in English! I've never seen a guy act shy like that around me, and if he really is nervous and having trouble saying hi, I can totally be the one to start up a conversation! Who knows where it could lead! He's cute, too.