How can I ever enjoy sex?

[shivani]

I'll try to Cliff Notes what would otherwise be a rambling diatribe. Advice highly prized here, as I am at a complete loss on how to move forward.

 

Background:

-Homeless and heavily abused as a kid. Mom made me touch her and sometimes used my body (but usually hers) to pay rent to whomever had taken us in.

-Mom had significant mental issues, obviously

 

-Pressured/forced into sex by my "boyfriend" just after making it to fifteen. He then did the honorable thing and lied to our circle of friends, so that for years afterwards I got to hear how I'd "emotionally destroyed" him for breaking things off and running.

-Said friends to this day refuse to believe he was wrong in any way. I've mostly cut off contact with this group

 

-Spent a few years partying and in very abusive relationships where "no" was meaningless.

-Self-esteem (what was left) pretty much crumbled to dust here.

 

In the last Two years:

-Met a sweet guy

-Got married

 

As far as sex goes:

-Realized that while he's happy in the bedroom, I really dislike sex, or anything to do with sex, or thinking about sex... I'm sure you get the idea. Mostly to make him happy I shut all emotion out of the act, and it becomes rather like making toast or doing the laundry.

-I had no idea what the hell "boundraies" were until I found the Marriage Builders site a year ago. Then I got all teary.

-I have no clue what I like in sex, as this was never important in any of the sex I was having. It's difficult to find out because I would rather iron my hand than touch myself (or have anyone else touch me) 90%of the time, and the other 10% I feel terrified.

 

 

Counseling has been expensive and wholly unhelpful. The latest crazy bint i went to had me read "The Courage to Heal" which is a book about how if you've ever been sad or scared of felt less entitled than usual obviously it means your whole family gangraped you as a kid and you repressed all memory of it. Also, you should sue your gangraping family to pay for the all the counseling costs. (I'm using Facetious Hyperbole here, but less of it than you'd think. Also, please don't tell me to go to counseling, at this point it's kind of apparent that my inbred-whitetrash-homeless childhood is way more hardcore than what most of these people deal with, which is rather depressing)

 

 

So now that you've read this condensed whinefest, What Do, LS?

 

How the hell do I make myself not hate sex forever?

[Untouchable_Fire]

I'll try to Cliff Notes what would otherwise be a rambling diatribe. Advice highly prized here, as I am at a complete loss on how to move forward.

Background:

-Homeless and heavily abused as a kid. Mom made me touch her and sometimes used my body (but usually hers) to pay rent to whomever had taken us in.

-Mom had significant mental issues, obviously

-Pressured/forced into sex by my "boyfriend" just after making it to fifteen. He then did the honorable thing and lied to our circle of friends, so that for years afterwards I got to hear how I'd "emotionally destroyed" him for breaking things off and running.

-Said friends to this day refuse to believe he was wrong in any way. I've mostly cut off contact with this group

-Spent a few years partying and in very abusive relationships where "no" was meaningless.

-Self-esteem (what was left) pretty much crumbled to dust here.

In the last Two years:

-Met a sweet guy

-Got married

As far as sex goes:

-Realized that while he's happy in the bedroom, I really dislike sex, or anything to do with sex, or thinking about sex... I'm sure you get the idea. Mostly to make him happy I shut all emotion out of the act, and it becomes rather like making toast or doing the laundry.

-I had no idea what the hell "boundraies" were until I found the Marriage Builders site a year ago. Then I got all teary.

-I have no clue what I like in sex, as this was never important in any of the sex I was having. It's difficult to find out because I would rather iron my hand than touch myself (or have anyone else touch me) 90%of the time, and the other 10% I feel terrified.

Counseling has been expensive and wholly unhelpful. The latest crazy bint i went to had me read "The Courage to Heal" which is a book about how if you've ever been sad or scared of felt less entitled than usual obviously it means your whole family gangraped you as a kid and you repressed all memory of it. Also, you should sue your gangraping family to pay for the all the counseling costs. (I'm using Facetious Hyperbole here, but less of it than you'd think. Also, please don't tell me to go to counseling, at this point it's kind of apparent that my inbred-whitetrash-homeless childhood is way more hardcore than what most of these people deal with, which is rather depressing)

So now that you've read this condensed whinefest, What Do, LS?

How the hell do I make myself not hate sex forever?

 

I'm really sorry this happened to you. I can't tell you how to fix it. All I can do is encourage you to never give up trying! Try everything you can think or hear about until something works a bit.

 

I assume that your problem is associative. You associate the abuse of the past with the actions of the present (sex and probably other things as well).

 

It's like eating poison apples, then one day switching to regular apples... every time you take a bite it reminds you of the past poison ones. And yes that is a SUPER simple analogy and doesn't really even begin to touch the truth of what your dealing with.... but I thought I would toss it out just in case you had not considered something like that as a reason your unable to enjoy sex.

 

My best suggestion.... find someone who conquered this type of emotional trauma and ask them for help\advice.

[denise_xo]

Whoa, hugs and respect to you Shivani. That's really tough. All I can say is that you must be bloody strong.

About your sex life with your husband, do the two of you talk about it? If yes, is that any helpful?

[mike10522]

Coming from the point of view from a nice guy myself, remember he loves you. I guess a good place to start would be that he let alone any guy should/would understand the word no. Be open to him about it also, let him into your head to fully understand what's going on is what I think would be the first step to where you want to go. It may be hard for you to think other wise, but sex isn't some chore you have to do. Think of it as something you're doing with the man you love to strengthen that feeling. Once you are able to fully open your heart up to him in a conversation then so when having sex I believe would be another step forward.

 

I myself have been to therapy for physical abuse and such not, also does wonders, altho it was a different kind of abuse you went through. Like I said this is just coming from a man's point of view, but he married you cause I assume he loves you.

[rlindzie]

I am so sorry to hear about this, you are truely a survivor. I am a survivor of abuse as well and have had similar issues, id like to talk to you privetly about this as i think we maybe could get something from talking to someone who can in many ways relate to. I unfortunetly do not know how to privet message you but if you'd like to try and pm me or i could give u my regular e-mail

[Soxfan_96]

my advice is to read up as much as you can handle on sexually abuse adultchildren. go to amazon and get some self-help books on the topic. remember you have the courage to post a topic on a website you can do anything. you probably need to see a cognitive behavioral therapist. i have seen 1 for the last 4 months regarding my personal childhood abuse and the bad attitudes and behaviors associated with it. the greatest thing of all you have a great husband who is still there for you. my wife was very unhelpful throughout my therapy. and now we are getting a divorce. it takes time to break all the negative association you have with sex. but once you do you will enjoy your husband on a all new level. for me my insurance is Blue cross blue shield its a $30 copay. not sure what you insurance is? but its worth every penny. hope this steers you in the right direction. good luck you owe it to yourself and your future self.

[shivani]

I'm really sorry this happened to you. I can't tell you how to fix it. All I can do is encourage you to never give up trying! Try everything you can think or hear about until something works a bit.

*hug* Thanks.

 

I assume that your problem is associative. You associate the abuse of the past with the actions of the present (sex and probably other things as well).

 

It's like eating poison apples, then one day switching to regular apples... every time you take a bite it reminds you of the past poison ones. And yes that is a SUPER simple analogy and doesn't really even begin to touch the truth of what your dealing with.... but I thought I would toss it out just in case you had not considered something like that as a reason your unable to enjoy sex.

 

My best suggestion.... find someone who conquered this type of emotional trauma and ask them for help\advice.

 

*nods* I'd agree with the mention of Classical Conditioning. That gives me hope, really, because if a behavior's been associatively conditioned in the first place then it should be reversible once the negative stimuli is replaced by positive-only. In theory.

 

 

Whoa, hugs and respect to you Shivani. That's really tough. All I can say is that you must be bloody strong.

D'awww. s'not that hard to survive when it's your only option as a kid. *shrug*

 

About your sex life with your husband, do the two of you talk about it? If yes, is that any helpful?

It is helpful to a point. He's the happy, successful, super-supportive guy, and really all he wants is to snap his fingers and solve the problem. He's told me many times that if I think something will help, we'll try it.

 

We took a break on sex for three months not long ago, which seemed to alleviate a lot of pressure on me. I get a terrified/ashamed/panicked feeling in my chest sometimes if I even think about anything sexual/arousing, so that can be detrimental to the whole healing process. Other times I can manage a good, solid conversation as long as I fall into a distant, observational, clinical role. (The same one I use in this post)

 

 

Coming from the point of view from a nice guy myself, remember he loves you. I guess a good place to start would be that he let alone any guy should/would understand the word no. Be open to him about it also, let him into your head to fully understand what's going on is what I think would be the first step to where you want to go.

Emotionally, he and I are pretty okay. He's the type that's very aware of feelings/emotion and I try to be as open with him as I can.

 

It may be hard for you to think other wise, but sex isn't some chore you have to do.

Agreed. Sorry if the "chore" aspect came off too strong above- I more meant that it usually has no real emotion attached and can be done by rote on my part.

Keep in mind that I sometimes will have sex with him to make him happy and because I'm hoping new memories with him happy and me at least ambivalent/content will help to condition me in the right direction. Aversion recovery from increased gradual exposure, or something.

 

Think of it as something you're doing with the man you love to strengthen that feeling. Once you are able to fully open your heart up to him in a conversation then so when having sex I believe would be another step forward.

!!

THIS is my real roadblock. I started disassociating certain touches/actions very early on in life, and it seems that the emotion split is the first thing that happens when anything sexual (or even anything that might lead there) starts and is the hardest to reverse/overcome. It's difficult for me to really catch when it happens-- I just descend into a clear sort of calm and then think a second or two later "oh no, did I just--" but by then it's already happened.

At that point I usually just shrug and try to keep myself positive (since "happy" is essentially irrevelant)

I used to feel terror and freeze up instead of cutting out emotion, and I think I prefer cutting out emotion.

 

I myself have been to therapy for physical abuse and such not, also does wonders, altho it was a different kind of abuse you went through. Like I said this is just coming from a man's point of view, but he married you cause I assume he loves you.

I would hope he does. Otehrwise he's been lying to me for some time

Thanks for commenting- it's nice to get the other side's viewpoint on these things.

 

 

I am so sorry to hear about this, you are truely a survivor. I am a survivor of abuse as well and have had similar issues, id like to talk to you privetly about this as i think we maybe could get something from talking to someone who can in many ways relate to. I unfortunetly do not know how to privet message you but if you'd like to try and pm me or i could give u my regular e-mail

[email protected]

*hugs*

 

 

my advice is to read up as much as you can handle on sexually abuse adultchildren. go to amazon and get some self-help books on the topic. remember you have the courage to post a topic on a website you can do anything.

*nods* I've amassed a nice collection of possible coping behaviors, ways of thinking, and behavior patterns. Putting them into practice has been semi-successful, in that I don't automatically fear touch anymore.

 

You probably need to see a cognitive behavioral therapist. i have seen 1 for the last 4 months regarding my personal childhood abuse and the bad attitudes and behaviors associated with it.

I've had too many awful therapy experiences. I appreciate your intent to help, however, and i'll keep cognitive-behavior and sex therapists on my short-list of 'if all else fails' possibilities.

 

The greatest thing of all you have a great husband who is still there for you. my wife was very unhelpful throughout my therapy. and now we are getting a divorce.

not cool. I wish you the best in finding someone who will appreciate you as you are.

 

It takes time to break all the negative association you have with sex.

no its a lie i can fix this instantly--

 

but once you do you will enjoy your husband on a all new level.

I really hope so. It'd be nice to understand what the fuss is all about.

--

 

 

Thanks for the advice so far. In light of men answering (which happened quicker than I thought it would) I have a question: What's the best way to go about taking care of my husband while I'm figuring out all this stuff? His happiness and emotional wellbeing is important, too, and having a weepy, emotionally umpredictable woman (is there any other kind?) to cheer up is kind of stressful.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I am at a complete loss on how to move forward.

 

Background:

-Homeless and heavily abused as a kid. Mom made me touch her and sometimes used my body (but usually hers) to pay rent to whomever had taken us in.

-Mom had significant mental issues, obviously

 

-Pressured/forced into sex by my "boyfriend" just after making it to fifteen. He then did the honorable thing and lied to our circle of friends, so that for years afterwards I got to hear how I'd "emotionally destroyed" him for breaking things off and running.

-Said friends to this day refuse to believe he was wrong in any way. I've mostly cut off contact with this group

 

-Spent a few years partying and in very abusive relationships where "no" was meaningless.

-Self-esteem (what was left) pretty much crumbled to dust here.

 

In the last Two years:

-Met a sweet guy

-Got married

 

As far as sex goes:

-Realized that while he's happy in the bedroom, I really dislike sex, or anything to do with sex, or thinking about sex... I'm sure you get the idea. Mostly to make him happy I shut all emotion out of the act, and it becomes rather like making toast or doing the laundry.

-I had no idea what the hell "boundraies" were until I found the Marriage Builders site a year ago. Then I got all teary.

-I have no clue what I like in sex, as this was never important in any of the sex I was having. It's difficult to find out because I would rather iron my hand than touch myself (or have anyone else touch me) 90%of the time, and the other 10% I feel terrified.

 

 

Counseling has been expensive and wholly unhelpful. The latest crazy bint i went to had me read "The Courage to Heal" which is a book about how if you've ever been sad or scared of felt less entitled than usual obviously it means your whole family gangraped you as a kid and you repressed all memory of it. Also, you should sue your gangraping family to pay for the all the counseling costs. (I'm using Facetious Hyperbole here, but less of it than you'd think. Also, please don't tell me to go to counseling, at this point it's kind of apparent that my inbred-whitetrash-homeless childhood is way more hardcore than what most of these people deal with, which is rather depressing)

 

 

So now that you've read this condensed whinefest, What Do, LS?

 

How the hell do I make myself not hate sex forever?

 

 

You need therapy without any question. And you need to give more of yourself to the therapy sessions than you have thus far been willing to do.

 

Of course you fast-forwarded your life in unhelpful fashion by getting married without solving any of the past traumas, but that doesn't matter much anymore as you are already here, in the present.

 

From this point forward, your best course of action would be to make clear to your husband all of the things you shared above and then resolve (for his sake, if your sake isn't enough) to seek the therapy that you have needed for so long.

 

I promise you the answer is out there, and that you can evolve toward it from here.

 

It is early enough in your adult life to where you can reach a pleasant recovery and make a go of it. You need to start therapy, with renewed dedication, NOW, and beFORE the big landmines occur that tend to drive women to therapy as the result of catastrophies in their lives.

 

Be proactive and GO to therapy!!!!

[shivani]

You need therapy without any question. And you need to give more of yourself to the therapy sessions than you have thus far been willing to do.

Five therapists and three years later, I think I've pretty much exhausted all patience with that option.

 

 

Of course you fast-forwarded your life in unhelpful fashion by getting married without solving any of the past traumas, but that doesn't matter much anymore as you are already here, in the present.

 

From this point forward, your best course of action would be to make clear to your husband all of the things you shared above and then resolve (for his sake, if your sake isn't enough) to seek the therapy that you have needed for so long.

Why on earth would my husband not have been aware of these issues from the very beginning? He's my husband. Who else would I cry on when all this stuff gets to be overwhelming?

I'm sorry you got the idea that he was out of the loop on this. That would kind of be a dick move on my part, and I strongly dislike dick moves.

 

I promise you the answer is out there, and that you can evolve toward it from here.

 

It is early enough in your adult life to where you can reach a pleasant recovery and make a go of it. You need to start therapy, with renewed dedication, NOW, and beFORE the big landmines occur that tend to drive women to therapy as the result of catastrophies in their lives.

Your pardon, but I rather feel that several landmines that had happened by the time I was eleven were sufficient to landmine-proof me to a good degree for the forseeable future.

 

Be proactive and GO to therapy!!!!

I've been to therapy. After a while being a "victim" whenever I walked through the door got old. That and the insurance stopped paying.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Well, I'm satisfied that you know where the right path is.

 

 

It shall be entirely up to you as to when you might get back on it.

 

 

Luckily it's your choice...

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Five therapists and three years later, I think I've pretty much exhausted all patience with that option.

 

 

 

By my calculation, you stayed with your therapists for an average of 219 days during that time if you went non-stop.

 

That's 31 weeks each on average, at most.

 

You need to pick one therapist and stick with the program and boldly let that one therapist know who and what is really in there. Only with considerable time can you let enough of yourself out in order to gain what there is to be gained.

 

 

And c'mon, 5 therapists in 3 years?

 

It is highly unlikely that the therapists have the major troubles here.

 

 

Apply yourself, and if it is unaffordable now, go to your county health center and at least ask about what services they might be able to offer.

[shivani]

By my calculation, you stayed with your therapists for an average of 219 days during that time if you went non-stop.

 

That's 31 weeks each on average, at most.

 

You need to pick one therapist and stick with the program and boldly let that one therapist know who and what is really in there.

 

Cute. There's no way for you to know just how much time and emotion and soul-draining effort I've placed into therapy. You just see an opportunity to rage at someone with a passing emotional resemblance to some spectre of your past, so you do.

 

And good for you. Use that feeling of empowerment you get from stating how right your specific answer is and go make something of yourself.

 

I, on the other hand, would appreciate advice NOT INVOLVING THERAPY.

 

Only with considerable time can you let enough of yourself out in order to gain what there is to be gained.

 

I am not whoever's personality you are pasting on me. I have not said once that the issue is anything more than me being unable to emotionally connect during sex, or directly leading up to it

 

And c'mon, 5 therapists in 3 years?

 

It is highly unlikely that the therapists have the major troubles here.

 

This is the second time you've jumped to conclusions to assert the superiority of your answer. Since you asked, those three years are split almost entirely between two therapists, with the other three being an excellent sampling of some of the nucking futs people in counseling.

 

I am not mentally inacute, nor emotionally stunted. I can cuddle. I can nuzzle. Sometimes I can even get to a few kisses before sudden fear and panic decide to show up from left field. Beyond sex (the action and at times the topic) there are relatively few things that I cannot discuss openly with my husband, or in some cases my friends. I am not some cold, distant, frigid woman who does not know herself.

 

When I was fifteen, a twelve-year-old girl I knew well enough to call a sister overdosed with the intent to kill herself. She called me when she started throwing up. I convinced her to bring the phone to her parents and they got her to a hospital. I found out two days later that I had saved her life.

 

When I was seven, my mom called me into the room she was in, sat me down on the bed, and put a gun to my head. She explained that she didn't want to live anymore and that she wanted me to come to share god's kingdom with her. Trembling, I talked her down and ran, then spent the rest of the day wondering if i'd find a corpse when I finally went back to the house.

 

And you know what? I can still laugh. I can still throw my arms around my husband and grin and know that i love him, and that he loves me. I can smile in contentment and know that all is well-- But, well, not all scars heal. Sometimes, if he brushes his fingers through my hair the wrong way, I freeze in terror and abruptly feel nothing.

 

And you know what? With this issue, therapy hasn't helped.

 

So GTFO with your limited information and superior attitude. Go be lonely and angry somewhere else.

[tornandmarried]

I, on the other hand, would appreciate advice NOT INVOLVING THERAPY.

 

refrain from having sex, till deep down, you want to

[Kentucky Jelly]

Try touching each other as much as possible. What I mean by that is whenever you are within an arms length of each other make sure you are holding hands, or have your hand on his arm, or shoulder or leg or something. There is something powerful in just casual everyday touching. I don't know what it is or if it will help you, but maybe after a while it will start to break down some of these barriers you have. I hopes this helps if even just a little.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Cute. There's no way for you to know just how much time and emotion and soul-draining effort I've placed into therapy. You just see an opportunity to rage at someone with a passing emotional resemblance to some spectre of your past, so you do.

 

And good for you. Use that feeling of empowerment you get from stating how right your specific answer is and go make something of yourself.

 

I, on the other hand, would appreciate advice NOT INVOLVING THERAPY.

 

 

 

I am not whoever's personality you are pasting on me. I have not said once that the issue is anything more than me being unable to emotionally connect during sex, or directly leading up to it

 

 

 

This is the second time you've jumped to conclusions to assert the superiority of your answer. Since you asked, those three years are split almost entirely between two therapists, with the other three being an excellent sampling of some of the nucking futs people in counseling.

 

I am not mentally inacute, nor emotionally stunted. I can cuddle. I can nuzzle. Sometimes I can even get to a few kisses before sudden fear and panic decide to show up from left field. Beyond sex (the action and at times the topic) there are relatively few things that I cannot discuss openly with my husband, or in some cases my friends. I am not some cold, distant, frigid woman who does not know herself.

 

When I was fifteen, a twelve-year-old girl I knew well enough to call a sister overdosed with the intent to kill herself. She called me when she started throwing up. I convinced her to bring the phone to her parents and they got her to a hospital. I found out two days later that I had saved her life.

 

When I was seven, my mom called me into the room she was in, sat me down on the bed, and put a gun to my head. She explained that she didn't want to live anymore and that she wanted me to come to share god's kingdom with her. Trembling, I talked her down and ran, then spent the rest of the day wondering if i'd find a corpse when I finally went back to the house.

 

And you know what? I can still laugh. I can still throw my arms around my husband and grin and know that i love him, and that he loves me. I can smile in contentment and know that all is well-- But, well, not all scars heal. Sometimes, if he brushes his fingers through my hair the wrong way, I freeze in terror and abruptly feel nothing.

 

And you know what? With this issue, therapy hasn't helped.

 

So GTFO with your limited information and superior attitude. Go be lonely and angry somewhere else.

 

 

 

Lady, none of this "diatribe" alters the fact that you need therapy. At some point this stops being about what you want, or what you can tolerate. Consider that you signed-on to mesh lives with someone else (a "sweet guy" no less) - seemingly an innocent 3rd party who did not inflict that childhood upon you - and upon doing so you became responsible for creating an environment in which both you and he can thrive for a long, long time.

 

IF you won't apply yourself to therapy for your own sake, then do so for the fact that you need to work now to head-off the inevitability that your past will rock your marriage to its core, and through no fault of your innocent, ("sweet guy") husband.

 

As I recall, you didn't come here asking anything about laughing and throwing your arms around your husband.

 

My gosh, the childhood realities you relate would probably have wiped me out - but I didn't experience them. I am certainly sensible enough to say that "anybody who knew that kind of stuff growing up has every right to need therapy".

 

Unfortunately "therapy" comes with a terrible stigma, but for people who have really been tested during their young and impressionable years, that stigma should rightfully fade away.

 

 

 

Personally I don't care too much whether you ever go to therapy, but I guarantee your husband's future will be a sad, sad reality unless you do.

 

He's innocent here... as much so as you were during childhood.

 

 

Now have you come full circle in all this? OR are you going to apply yourself to therapy?

 

 

PS - do you really believe those fears and panics came "from left field" ??

[shivani]

Lady, none of this "diatribe" alters the fact that you need therapy. At some point this stops being about what you want, or what you can tolerate. Consider that you signed-on to mesh lives with someone else (a "sweet guy" no less) - seemingly an innocent 3rd party who did not inflict that childhood upon you - and upon doing so you became responsible for creating an environment in which both you and he can thrive for a long, long time.

 

IF you won't apply yourself to therapy for your own sake, then do so for the fact that you need to work now to head-off the inevitability that your past will rock your marriage to its core, and through no fault of your innocent, ("sweet guy") husband.

 

As I recall, you didn't come here asking anything about laughing and throwing your arms around your husband.

 

My gosh, the childhood realities you relate would probably have wiped me out - but I didn't experience them. I am certainly sensible enough to say that "anybody who knew that kind of stuff growing up has every right to need therapy".

 

Unfortunately "therapy" comes with a terrible stigma, but for people who have really been tested during their young and impressionable years, that stigma should rightfully fade away.

 

 

 

Personally I don't care too much whether you ever go to therapy, but I guarantee your husband's future will be a sad, sad reality unless you do.

 

He's innocent here... as much so as you were during childhood.

 

 

Now have you come full circle in all this? OR are you going to apply yourself to therapy?

 

 

PS - do you really believe those fears and panics came "from left field" ??

 

Well, good for you for recommending therapy. It's sad to see that you can't understand that I have been to therapy, for years, but I guess the worldview you live in is one where the answer you understand is the only possible one that can work for anyone, ever.

 

Out of morbid curiosity, how exactly will my past "rock my marriage to its core", hmm? Please, provide examples for these horrible things looming on the horizon of my marriage. I am ever so interested to know what you are so conviced will happen, seeing as a few internet forum posts are your only frame of reference for me and you seem to have built up this whole person in your mind for who I am to rail against.

[shivani]

I, on the other hand, would appreciate advice NOT INVOLVING THERAPY.

 

refrain from having sex, till deep down, you want to

 

Sex would never happen for me again. I've never wanted it and then not had a complete fear/shutdown reaction.

 

At this point I'm convinced that it all comes down to reconditioning. If I associate negatives with sex, then the best thing to do should be to reintroduce me to sexual things in a trusting environment where the reaction-even if initially fear- can be overcome. If any positive emotion at all occurs, or even just positive in that the fear stays steady and does not escalate, then that nonescalation of fear should provide a new memory and reference point for my reactions to sex further down the line.

 

Basically, If you can train pavlov's dogs to salivate and train domestic abuse victims to feel low self esteem, codependency, and worthlessness, then you should be able to train a sex abuse victim to not associate fear and panic with sex.

 

Try touching each other as much as possible. What I mean by that is whenever you are within an arms length of each other make sure you are holding hands, or have your hand on his arm, or shoulder or leg or something. There is something powerful in just casual everyday touching. I don't know what it is or if it will help you, but maybe after a while it will start to break down some of these barriers you have. I hopes this helps if even just a little.

 

We keep in close contact as much as I can handle. It varies- sometimes I'm fine with quite a lot and other times I can't deal with feeling restrained at all. The conditioning I mentioned above has been helpful with this- I used to shut down from just a passing touch on the arm from almost anyone. It also gives me hope for more progress down the line.

[tornandmarried]

ive read over this thread several times....i think part of the reason therapy isnt helping is because your resisting it from helping, using your tramatic past as a crutch...im sorry u had to experience such an awful childhood but u have to try to let it go and move on to a new future, a new you...its vitial to getting better...id suggest contine therapy, stick to one therapist and dont give up after a few months/years....dont resist thier help and advice cuz its easier to say "you dont know what i been through"...its like a diet, if u give up after a year youll gain all the weight back...its a whole lifestyle change that makes it effective....dont see thereapy as a quick fix....stick with it for the rest of your life

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Wow that last post was well presented.

 

 

(deep breath)

 

The root appeal to therapy is so that someone who has been abused and mistreated by others will form a strong, steady and reliable relationship with one human being, and through that will learn that it is indeed possible to do so (no matter the examples back there in the past).

 

We understand that your aversion is just sex, and that you are seeking to overcome that.

 

 

Hopefully you are getting a great deal from your marriage, but I think it is possible that his role as your husband won't let your guy serve the purpose of reliable, independent human with whom you can forge a non-threatening and steady interaction.

 

I thought of you this weekend when reading a report to me from a distant friend who has been seeing a therapist this year. She's a young and considerably attractive woman who has more brainpower than said combination should rightfully offer one individual (stereotyping).

 

She writes:

 

"...we've been going through my past a lot. Probably a good thing, but it's really hard and draining emotionally. It annoys me that she won't let me just recount events in a matter-of-fact way and then move on, she makes me actually try and put myself back there and feel what I was feeling at the time. Not fun at all. Especially because I'm discovering that a lot of the time what I was feeling was: nothing. I'm apparently so emotionally closed down and shut off that during the most traumatic events of my life I felt nothing in particular.

 

This has actually come as a surprise to me, because I always kind of thought I was scared, sad, upset, whatever, and it was only with time and intentional blocking that I've been able to get to the point of talking about what happened to me without feeling anything. Turns out, I've never felt it. My therapist says this is part of why when I relive certain experiences and I do feel some emotion it hits me so hard...because I'm actually feeling it for the first time. She also says that the fact that I'm able to feel some of those emotions now is a really good sign because even if it doesn't feel like it to me, it means that I'm letting down some of my walls.

 

So she has been taking me through some of my past experiences and having me really stay in the moment, think about my senses (I know this sounds totally hokey, but it works) and exactly what I was experiencing, what I heard, what it felt like, and she doesn't let me go off on an analyzing rant (what I tend to do when I'm trying not to feel anything). It's a really, really difficult exercise but I think it might be helping me work through some of my past trauma in a real way. I feel kind of dumb because for years I really thought I had worked through it because I didn't feel anything about it, like I figured if I still had issues to work through I would be feeling hurt or sad or something. And of course I AM hurt and sad, but I guess I've learned to not feel those emotions in the same way that a lot of people do.

 

(hopefully it isn't too inappropriate to share that here, given that the material is rather anonymous and my anonymity gives her a second level of anonymity)

 

In closing, therapy is supposed to be at times as painful and challenging as you suggest, but I promise you that the sun in the future will shine brighter on those in your shoes who go through the complete cycle of therapy than it does on those in your shoes who do not complete therapy.

[tornandmarried]

Wow that last post was well presented.

 

 

 

thats a relief someone though it was ok...hope it wasnt tooo forward....but i do want to help this poor girl

[BellaBellaBella]

As someone who has been sexually abused. I have had to stop my husband during sex, in order to be okay. I had extensive therapy and compassion from my husband to be a sexually healthy woman. I struggle with night terrors and have to feel my dog next to me, in order to know I am not in the terror.

 

I think that it is difficult unless you are the survivor of sexual abuse, to understand what someone is going through.

 

I was very fortunate to find a wonderful psychologist who was able to guide me. I saw her the first two years five days a week. When she went on vacation, I was given the home number of a therapist I met to cope with my feelings.

 

I haven't frozen during sex in over 10 years. I can honestly say that I have current triggers, I called the psychologist who is now on the opposite coast and she told me it was in direct relation to my daughters puberty.

 

There is hope for a someone who has gone through abuse, for a good relationship with your husband. Surviors of Sexual Abuse is a good group to turn to. I can tell you the first time I attended I pulled my fingernails out and didn't realize I had done it. I had literally left my body.

If you chose to attend, ask your husband to wait outside in the car and drive you back and forth.

 

There are also two schools of thought on the whole issue of sexual abuse.

Some adult surviors experience hypersexuality and other's have repressed sexuality. This is truly something to consider. I was on the repressed side. Now, if you believe a certain someone I am on the above average side.

 

Please do not speak about sexual abuse or offer opinions unless you have experienced it.

[Tiberius]

Well there is a reason assault is seen as such a bad crime, because thats one of the things it does. People educate themselves on all kinds of kinky new things to try, maybe you and your hubby could get a book or 2 that might be helpfull on helping you to cope and try and deal with it yourselfs if a professional is too expensive.

[shivani]

Thanks for the replies and attempts to help.

 

In case anyone else in a similar situation to mine finds this thread, I found a link to (amusingly enough) a teen sexuality advice site that had one of the most helpful answers : http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/navigating_sex_and_sexuality_after_a_long_history_of_abuse_and_assault

 

I'll leave the loveshack be, for now. Thanks again

[Sambo]

 

How the hell do I make myself not hate sex forever?

 

 

You don't !

 

Your problems are super deep and mentally ingrained and it would probably take years of psychotherapy to work through them.

 

So you need something more powerful then people.

 

God can heal your wounds and that might be a problem unless you have a faith or connection to fall into. By the sounds of it you do not and far be it from me to push religion onto people BUT I've seen many miracles happen with people in your situation. It's also interesting that you used the word "hell" in your question.

 

I wish you all the best because your sound like a super sweet person in spite of all you have been through.

[jmsclayton]

Hi shivani

 

sharing

 

 

In the last Two years:

-Met a sweet guy

-Got married

 

As far as sex goes:

-Realized that while he's happy in the bedroom, I really dislike sex, or anything to do with sex, or thinking about sex... I'm sure you get the idea. Mostly to make him happy I shut all emotion out of the act, and it becomes rather like making toast or doing the laundry.

 

Judith; It takes time and healing to heal the mental and emotional pain from sexual abuse in order to enjoy sex.

Wendy in her book Sexual Healing recommends couples take a six week break and work on nonsexual touch for while.

 

 

-I have no clue what I like in sex, as this was never important in any of the sex I was having. It's difficult to find out because I would rather iron my hand than touch myself (or have anyone else touch me) 90%of the time, and the other 10% I feel terrified.

 

Judith: IT takes time for you to learn your body and find out what your feelings are and waht you like. Your husband can help you with that. It takes time for women to come to a place where they are ready to touch themselves. He can help you find your painful feelings and then work towards finding your sexual feelings.

 

 

Counseling has been expensive and wholly unhelpful. The latest crazy bint i went to had me read "The Courage to Heal" which is a book about how if you've ever been sad or scared of felt less entitled than usual obviously it means your whole family gangraped you as a kid and you repressed all memory of it.

 

Juidth; The best book I have read which I believe is better than the Courage to Heal book is SExual Healing by Wendy Maltz.

 

 

How the hell do I make myself not hate sex forever?

 

Judith; To deal with the emotional pain and usually us women do not like to deal with the painful feelings of the past. But expressing the feelings which is step 2 in order to heal is vital.

 

Finding understanding etc on our issues to resolve them with sex etc.

 

What do you think?

 

Judith