From Lovers To Friends? How Now?

[kimba]

Hi Just wondering if anyone can give me some advice

This is my other thread

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t244667/

 

 

I ended up deciding and emailing him that sex was no longer on the cards and that if he has no feelings for me then i can't sleep with him anymore.

 

He didnt reply and it wasnt til i contacted him the next day saying i would still like to be friends but absolutely no sex anymore that he was "ok lets be friends"

 

 

Can friends work? Over 3 years there would be like 3 times we have been around each other and not had sex.

 

How can i make friends work? i really want to.

[WTRanger]

I'll decode his response for you.

 

By him not responding the first time and then you immediately send another follow-up message, he knows he's still got you hooked. His idea of only being "friends" with you is that he knows you'll break down and sleep with him one more time. Then, sleep with him for the last time. Then sleep with him, and after that no more. And so on. He knows he has the power and he'll use that against you to get you back in bed.

 

If you've only hung out 3 times in this entire time that didn't involve sex, then you are clearly not friends. You want him around you so you can keep tabs on him. You want him around so he can feel the gravity of your feelings for him and he'll enter into a serious relationship.

 

You two are a lot of things to each other, but friends isn't and never has been one of them. My advice is to turn around and run as far away from this man as you possibly can. There is no good in being "just friends" with him.

Edited September 10, 2010 by WTRanger

[Cee]

You want to make this work? Okay, I'll help. Remember, he will have to cooperate and want to be friends. There's a high likelihood that he won't want to hang out with you once sex is off the table.

 

These suggestions have worked for me with a guy I slept with & was in love with. The guy and I are now best friends. Real friends.

 

1) Establish a long period of NC (several months) until you get your romantic feelings in check.

 

2) During the period of NC, discover all the reasons you don't like him romantically. Allow yourself to get angry. Grieve your unhealthy romantic relationship.

 

3) Start dating other people and maintain NC during this period.

 

4) Realize the guy wasn't that special after all & then decide whether he's worth your time and energy for friendship. Stay NC.

 

5) Now that several months have passed and you don't give a rat's a$$ whether you are friends or not, you can re-establish contact.

 

6) If he does not reciprocate your offers of friendship, then drop him like a hot rock. If he invites you to things and talks to you in a genuine way, a friendship is worth pursuing.

 

See how easy that is?

 

I wish I could tell you how great my friendship is with this guy. He makes me dinner, we go to art openings, and we are wing men for each other. He goes on trips and brings back momentos for me. He opens up about his darkest secrets. But we also go for weeks without talking. And I get bored and annoyed with him sometimes & I ditch him to do something else. And he cancels get togethers when he's tired. We aren't holding each other hostage. That's what friendship is for. It's relaxed.

 

Good luck.

[kimba]

I'll decode his response for you.

 

By him not responding the first time and then you immediately send another follow-up message, he knows he's still got you hooked. His idea of only being "friends" with you is that he knows you'll break down and sleep with him one more time. Then, sleep with him for the last time. Then sleep with him, and after that no more. And so on. He knows he has the power and he'll use that against you to get you back in bed.

 

If you've only hung out 3 times in this entire time that didn't involve sex, then you are clearly not friends. You want him around you so you can keep tabs on him. You want him around so he can feel the gravity of your feelings for him and he'll enter into a serious relationship.

 

You two are a lot of things to each other, but friends isn't and never has been one of them. My advice is to turn around and run as far away from this man as you possibly can. There is no good in being "just friends" with him.

 

thanks wtranger

 

i dont know that he does really want to sleep with me because when i first told him i loved him i asked if he still wanted to sleep with me and he said he would have to think about it and he wasnt sure.

 

But then i turned the tables a few days later and decided that it really isnt good for me to keep sleeping with him and then sent an email ending the sex relationship. So i dont even know whether he will try and get me back into bed. The "love thing" might have turned him off me anyway

 

Just in case he is intending to bed me next time he pops around, i texted him today saying that i am happy with my decision, and that even though i still want him sexually, and it will be hard for me to adjust, there is no point to having sex with him when he cannot love me.

 

he didnt reply, but anyway i had to let him know this isnt a flaky decision.

 

I have ended the sex thing once before, maybe a year ago, but ended up not being able to resist him. This time though, it has to be different. And it does feel different. I have tried everything with this guy to win his heart and its never going to happen.

 

What i do need though , are friends, and i will probably go NC for a bit and start treating him like a friend. there has to be a bit of a gap for a change in the relationship to have any chance of taking

[kimba]

You want to make this work? Okay, I'll help. Remember, he will have to cooperate and want to be friends. There's a high likelihood that he won't want to hang out with you once sex is off the table.

 

These suggestions have worked for me with a guy I slept with & was in love with. The guy and I are now best friends. Real friends.

 

1) Establish a long period of NC (several months) until you get your romantic feelings in check.

 

2) During the period of NC, discover all the reasons you don't like him romantically. Allow yourself to get angry. Grieve your unhealthy romantic relationship.

 

3) Start dating other people and maintain NC during this period.

 

4) Realize the guy wasn't that special after all & then decide whether he's worth your time and energy for friendship. Stay NC.

 

5) Now that several months have passed and you don't give a rat's a$$ whether you are friends or not, you can re-establish contact.

 

6) If he does not reciprocate your offers of friendship, then drop him like a hot rock. If he invites you to things and talks to you in a genuine way, a friendship is worth pursuing.

 

See how easy that is?

 

I wish I could tell you how great my friendship is with this guy. He makes me dinner, we go to art openings, and we are wing men for each other. He goes on trips and brings back momentos for me. He opens up about his darkest secrets. But we also go for weeks without talking. And I get bored and annoyed with him sometimes & I ditch him to do something else. And he cancels get togethers when he's tired. We aren't holding each other hostage. That's what friendship is for. It's relaxed.

 

Good luck.

 

 

Thankyou! Can i ask how long were you sleeping with this guy for?

 

This is really helpful. My heart is just so heavy and broken at the moment, NC is the only way i'll get over it. But i dont want him to think ive gone and i dont want to see him again if i take this break from him.

 

I am envious of your freindship with that guy. I would love that

[kimba]

Well he agreed to just be friends , and this whole thing of cutting out the sex because he doesnt love me has been very emotionally devastating for me.

 

Today is the first day i have felt good, and kind of myself. I texted yesterday asking if he is happy with my decision, and he wouldnt answer. I asked a coupel of times but still no answer, and when he did he avoided the question completely, and didnt end up answering it.

 

I assumed he would be fine losing me as a "benefits" girl, since i know he has a few other women, three i think, and he is a hottie so he can get anyone he wants. So why wouldnt he just reply saying 'yeah its cool" or whatever?

 

anyway jesus christ what a drama. Thats teh other reason ive ended it- after finding out (from him) that he had 3 other women- the whole std factor- ick!

 

Gross. The whole three years i was seeing him, i didnt sleep with anyone else. he knew that too