Still Pining

[robinseggblue]

You still care for a very good reason:

 

In your heart you believe that you and her were meant to be together. You still believe in you (as a couple.) You haven't figured out exactly why things ended up the way they did. You don't believe it's over. You still have hope. You are an optomist to the nth degree. You believe in happy endings. You still think it can work between you two. You are a positive person. You believe that you have enough positivity for both of you. You're not giving up yet. Nothing has happened to make you feel otherwise.

 

You know how I know all of that about you without knowing you? Because you and I are in the same boat. The very same boat.

 

A lot of people here will tell you to "just move on" . ( I am at the point where the expression "move on" makes me angry for some reason.) I don't care what that portion of the population thinks. I don't care if 99% of the population thinks that way and i suspect you don't either. And you shouldn't. Don't ever be ashamed for not being a quitter. EVEN IF it's your only option. Just keep living. That's all.

 

The good news is that there is nothing you can do. It would be worse if there was something you could do, and you weren't doing it right? (because you didn't know how or what) But really, as you know, there is not much you can do. And doing nothing for the time being, is very wise.

 

Even though you don't know it yet, you WANT her to start seeing someone else. How else is she going to see what she lost in you? IF you're as optomistic as I think you are, you will realize this. If you believe in the two of you THIS much (still dying after 7 months) what are the chances that she found someone to top what YOU think the two of you had? Not good. Get some sleep.

[IfiKnewThen]

good post robinseggblue

[Ajax]

You still care for a very good reason:

 

In your heart you believe that you and her were meant to be together. You still believe in you (as a couple.) You haven't figured out exactly why things ended up the way they did. You don't believe it's over. You still have hope. You are an optomist to the nth degree. You believe in happy endings. You still think it can work between you two. You are a positive person. You believe that you have enough positivity for both of you. You're not giving up yet. Nothing has happened to make you feel otherwise.

 

You know how I know all of that about you without knowing you? Because you and I are in the same boat. The very same boat.

 

A lot of people here will tell you to "just move on" . ( I am at the point where the expression "move on" makes me angry for some reason.) I don't care what that portion of the population thinks. I don't care if 99% of the population thinks that way and i suspect you don't either. And you shouldn't. Don't ever be ashamed for not being a quitter. EVEN IF it's your only option. Just keep living. That's all.

 

The good news is that there is nothing you can do. It would be worse if there was something you could do, and you weren't doing it right? (because you didn't know how or what) But really, as you know, there is not much you can do. And doing nothing for the time being, is very wise.

 

Even though you don't know it yet, you WANT her to start seeing someone else. How else is she going to see what she lost in you? IF you're as optomistic as I think you are, you will realize this. If you believe in the two of you THIS much (still dying after 7 months) what are the chances that she found someone to top what YOU think the two of you had? Not good. Get some sleep.

 

Thanks for the support robinsegg. It's an interesting way to look at it and I think you make a valid point. I did/do still have hope for a second go.But learning about the new guy turned me off to that possibility a bit. Like so many people on here have gone through, when my ex left she said she "couldn't be in a relationship right now." I guess after seven months she finally is, I just wasn't worth coming back to.

 

Regardless, there's not one person telling me I should ever consider giving her another chance. Her cousin, her aunt, the rest of her family I know... all still say she can't be trusted.

 

Today, now that the booze is out of my system at least, I feel a lot better. This month is my champaigne birthday. I'll Be 28 on the 28th, and it's sad to think that over half of my 27th year was dominated by being broken up about this girl. I think now I need to start thinking positively about finding someone better.

[GreenPolicy]

I think what hurts Ajax is actually getting confirmation that she's dating again. You knew it would happen sooner or later, and it takes away any last shred of hope. You also know that you have to get on with your life and you can't sit around waiting out that relationship to run its course. It may not be a good idea to keep in touch with some of her family where you can get news of her doings.

 

I just practice tough love with myself: I think of my ex as already married with kids, and that she's not thinking about me or missing me.

[Ajax]

I think what hurts Ajax is actually getting confirmation that she's dating again. You knew it would happen sooner or later, and it takes away any last shred of hope. You also know that you have to get on with your life and you can't sit around waiting out that relationship to run its course. It may not be a good idea to keep in touch with some of her family where you can get news of her doings.

 

I just practice tough love with myself: I think of my ex as already married with kids, and that she's not thinking about me or missing me.

 

That initial shock is like a punch in the stomach. Regardless of wether or not this new relationship lasts or doesn't, being with her again after knowing she's been with someone else is entirely unappealing. But knowing her track record, I don't give it a very long life expectency.

 

It was an emotional end to an already emotionally charged week. It was my last week at my current student teaching placement, and my students all made cards for me. Brought a tear to my eye. Put the two things together and it was a perfect storm.

 

I've gotta set a new tone for this year. I don't want to be hung up on the same old issues from before. I need to find someone new to make new memories with. So far no luck on the front despite a few dates. Something's gotta start going my way.

[mgene15]

hang in there bro... ajax you showed great strength so far, I have so many things stuck inside me and need a good melto down.. but i can't seem to do that..things still remind me of my ex..for instance yesterday i found a note in my collared shirt that i had not worn in about a year... it was from my ex a long time ago reading..."will love u forever, xoxo jess" (shes 20 so the childish xoxo comes into play) ...that really was a dagger in my heart when i found that...i hate these things..

[Ajax]

Well in the wake of my meltdown on Saturday I'm back in the dumps. I still want this dumb girl. Memories keep cropping up. And it's not even her fault that I'm still miserable about it at this point. It's not as if she's been throwing me crumbs of false hope. I haven't heard from her since the end of August. And After that long I can't even say I think it's too soon for her to have started dating.

 

It's me who's keeping myself in this funk. It hasn't helped thought that I was supposed to start my new student teaching placement today but am still waiting for them to find me one. I've had to sit at my computer all day waiting for an email saying they have one. None as of yet.

 

Also, when I did go out I saw a dog get hit by a car. Didn't really help lift my spirits.

Edited March 15, 2011 by Ajax

[Ajax]

And now the girl I went on the date with a week ago called me and I had to tell her I just don't feel comfortable going on a second date. I had avoided one of her calls over the weekend, but now I had to bite the bullet.

 

I don't remember all that was said... seemed like a blur, but she did say that she liked me and thought I was making a mistake. Great... now I'm that guy. And now I feel like a Grade A Jerk for hurting her feelings.

 

Ex dating someone else. Having a drunken meltdown. No student teaching placement. Seeing dog get hit by car. Rejecting someone who likes me and is really probably pretty nice... I'm really feeling quite depressed right now.

[bl22]

Hey Ajax

 

I dont really post much on here anymore because I dont really have anything new to offer, I feel myself slowly getting over this day by day but I'm not over her yet. I stil browse these boards though, sometimes it helps, sometimes it just makes things worse (reminders)

 

I've followed your story since the begining and I can safely say you seem like a great genuine guy who WILL find love again, I'm sure there are plenty of women who would feel immensely lucky to have a genuine, kind and sensible guy like yourself.

 

I know how it feels to have the 1 you loved turn their back on you but you got to remember. They're the 1s with the real problems, not us. Any minor issues we had have safely been analysed and dealt with after the breakup and we will come out of this so much more stronger than before we met them. It's a learning experience that pretty much everyone goes through at some point their lives. My ex will go through it eventually, I'm pretty sure your ex will. And when they do, they will rememebr that the same pain theyre suffering from was once caused by themselves on decent, loving guys who were there for them always and didnt deserve it.

 

I honestly believe we all will meet someone new who makes us feel the same way our ex's made us feel. We will find love again 1 day...

[YSS]

Ajax

I am sorry to read you are in a funk. Trust me, I know whatnot feels like to learn that your ex is with someone new. Kick in the nuts would be less painful. It just cements the fact that it's over. Your reaction is normal and I wish i could offer you some sage words of wisdom ..... All I can say is do not assume all is perky in her life. For all you know she is aware you are on a dating site and you too have completely moved on. Just saying things are not alwats what they appear. Bottom line, we can no longer focus on purr exs, we need to focus on us. You are making great strides and the path to healing is never a straight line. Wish it was my friend. For myself i am so pissed how his life gets to move on with no accountability for the pain he caused. Again, I am assuming. I will share this with you, after much hype about this book on LS, I read he's scared, she's scared. I really resisted cause I never thought of my ex as having commitment problems but the book really helped me see things in a different light. I thought of you cause there is a passage for those of healing from the sudden abruptness of a relationship ending that basically says "when people who know your ex say he/she cannot be trusted, do not deny that reality". I got it from the library and LS was right, it's a good book that helped.

As for the new girl, you are NOT that guy. You were honest and did not mislead her. It's healthy to know what younger seeking in someone. It saves wasting a lot of time with an incompatible person. I would caution you to take a break from dating. When one is not over a former love, it's best get our equilibrium back before getting involved cause a)we are vulnerable and b)the last thing we want to do is hurt someone cause our heart is not healed.

Hang in there. You are not alone and keep pushing through.

[Ajax]

Again, I am assuming. I will share this with you, after much hype about this book on LS, I read he's scared, she's scared. I really resisted cause I never thought of my ex as having commitment problems but the book really helped me see things in a different light. I thought of you cause there is a passage for those of healing from the sudden abruptness of a relationship ending that basically says "when people who know your ex say he/she cannot be trusted, do not deny that reality". I got it from the library and LS was right, it's a good book that helped.

 

I've looked for that book myself but can't find it at any of the bookstores around here. Maybe I'll look again, since I think it would be a good read.

[silvermane187]

If I could give you one piece of advice it would be to be up front and honest and tell your friend/her cousin/brother that you don't ever want to hear about her. I had a similar situation last week where a friend of mine got invited to my ex's bday party and it just ruined my week. It's been 5 motnhs for me and he had no idea I'm still hurting real bad from the breakup so he brought it up as a joke. It led to a pretty ugly breakdown saturday night (actually posted on here lol). So yea...tell those friends of yours to shut their damn mouths about her if you haven't told them already.

[mgene15]

some girl , somewhere is gonna show up when you least expect it.. that will get your mind 100% off of the ex.. but the time in between that is a B1TCH...no doubt...

[Ajax]

This evening I went to the park where we used to go. I wouldn't say it was "our spot" because we'd both been going there for years before we ever met each other, but we did have some magical moments there, including watching the stars from the small amphitheater there.

 

Highland Park is a place where I've often gone to think and reflect on my life. Smetimes I think I'm over-reflective... but oh well. It's kind of like on Seinfeld when George goes to the pier to think and then has an epiphany... and chases the seagulls. Only there it's squirrels and not birds.

 

Anyway, I went to that amphitheater and stood on it. Thought about what happened last time I was there. I was doing OK. The memory wasn't killing me, but I did miss her. Then I turned around and realized something I should have though of a long time ago. The hospital where she works overlooks the very spot where we watched the stars! I smiled thinking about how she has to look at that place every day, either from the hospital itself or from the street while she drives to work. That's a reminder I wouldn't want every day.

 

On another note, I picked up "He's Scared, She's Scared" per YSS's recomendation. Looking forward to reading it.

[Gt.ooh]

Well Ajax. I'd say once your over this last hurdle you'll be ok. It's more than understandable you had a melt down esp, since u got news of the ex. You've done extraordianary thus far. I wouldn't sweat it, everyone has a weak moment months or years down the road, just part of the rollercoaster ride we're on.

 

I got sick this past week, haven't worked in 4 days. Got a bad ear infection, and it made me reflect on my past. I realized that we have it better than good...just look at the disaster in Japan and people are fighting for their lives. I also realized that I'm not "looking" anymore, and not going out of my way to look for a girl or date one. After my latest web meeting I'm just laying low. Enjoying Jules and the new truck.

[1784]

Hi.

 

I'm new to this particular thread but I've read it from pretty much beginning to end. I'm going to give you my take on things, what I'm going through, etc. I hope it helps and I hope you can shed some light on my situation which, in turn, will probably shed some light on your own situation. This is directly primarily at Ajax but also anyone else who has contributed.

 

Firstly, Ajax, I too am from NY. I mean, I'm from NYC but at least we're in the same state. Anyway, this thread is long and while you may not see it I have witnessed a definite growth and healing in you. You may feel stuck and that you're still pining away for this girl. Yeah, you may still think about her but if you look at how this thread started and where it is now you'll notice that you're living now. You're considering options. You're putting yourself out there. So what if you don't IMMEDIATELY find what you're looking for. Think of how long it took you to even find Colleen. And she WASN'T the girl for you? How do you know this? Because it takes TWO people to make something right. Not just one. I learned this the hard way years ago. I thought I had found the PERFECT match. Yeah, I thought she was. She didn't think I was. Tough lesson learned. If it's not a mutual decision then it's just your own fantasy. She may fill things in you that you don't fill in her. It sucks but if you're not doing your part then you won't be satisfied. You want to make her feel as good as she makes you feel, don't you?

 

But I digress...

 

Ajax, your posts really touched me. I'm several weeks into NC with my ex and I have to say that the way you write (express yourself) really hits home with me. I'm nearly ten years your elder and I really feel what you're going through in your writing. I was with my gf for 3+ years. we had our ups and downs. I ignored a lot of red flags much like many of the people who have contributed to this thread. I projected my idea of love onto her because I saw what I wanted to see. She probably did the same. In the end, she broke it off with me because I was supposed to move in with her and couldn't. Why, you say? Because she lives an hour away, my mom is sick with cancer, my mom lives 5 minutes away, and I couldn't bring myself to move until I was okay with how my mom was. I figured that while I would have decades with my gf I may only have a few months with my mom (she has terminal cancer). My gf, well, she felt that I was choosing my mom over her. I was. I thought I had a legitimate reason to do so, too. She apparently did not. This was supposedly "the straw that broke the camel's back". My gf needed me in her every day life (as opposed to a few times per week) and I decided to postpone the move in. Aren't I just the bastard?

 

When it came down to it, my gf was great when it came to things going as planned. When I fit into her little imagined picture frame she was TOTALLY in love with me. when something went awry, well, things changed. She became panicked over the future. She was frustrated with things not progressing as she had envisioned them. What it came down to is that she was selfish. I realize that now more than ever.

 

Obviously I'm not going into detail about 3+ years of a relationship. It's too much to post. What I am saying is this...

 

It takes two people to make something work. Vacations are easy. Holidays are easy. Birthdays are easy. Life isn't a bowl of cherries. You want someone who will stick by you when things get tough. I lost my job for a while there. Did she support me? Initially she did but eventually she just judged me and made me feel worthless. My car got totaled. What did she do? She wondered how I was going to make it to the beach for the weekend (the plans we had). I could go on and on but it would be pointless. She was interested in one thing- HER. Her life. Her plan. Her picture frame. Her agenda. Did she love me? I think she did. But her idea of love and mine were apparently not the same.

 

Why am I bothering to write all this? well, I empathize with each and every one of you. I just listed a few among MANY what i consider to be terrible traits that you want from a "love". This isn't the person you want in a foxhole with you. This is a person that you put on a pedestal and decided was the one for you- even though, in reality, she WASN'T. SHE WASN'T!!! If she were, you'd BE with her.

 

Do I still miss my ex? Yes, I do. Why? I have no idea. I miss the good things. I choose to miss those things. The song, the spot, the sex, the vacation, etc. These are easy to miss. But if it were right wouldn't I be with her right now and not on this forum?

 

My overall point? Stop romaticizing what isn't. I'm sure all of your gfs had great qualities or you would have never been with them. We chose them for a reason. Good reason. And the next girl will probably not match up. Why would she? Why wouldn't she? It's just random luck. Don't obsess over it. Just let it be. Concentrate on yourself and ride it out. What other choice do you really have? we've all listed a dozen reasons why they WEREN'T the 'one'. So, believe yourself. Take your power back. Know that YOU know what's best for you. And when it IS right you will not have to go through all of this. We get used to the pain, the missing, the pining. It should never have to be this way. This is NOT what the recipe calls for.

 

Please- do what's right for you. Stop considering her. Consider you. I'm writing this because I'm also trying to convince myself but I know that as I type, these are all truths. Believe them. Let's conquer this together. Let's do what's right for us for a change and stop considering if THEY miss us, if THEY are doing alright, if THEY think they made a mistake, etc. Every time you consider them you are not considering yourself. And every time you stop considering yourself you are halting your own healing.

 

I'd love your thoughts.

 

-T

[Ajax]

Wow 1784, thanks for an awesome and insightful post. I agree witha lot of what you said.

 

 

My overall point? Stop romaticizing what isn't. I'm sure all of your gfs had great qualities or you would have never been with them. We chose them for a reason. Good reason. And the next girl will probably not match up. Why would she? Why wouldn't she? It's just random luck. Don't obsess over it. Just let it be. Concentrate on yourself and ride it out. What other choice do you really have? we've all listed a dozen reasons why they WEREN'T the 'one'. So, believe yourself. Take your power back. Know that YOU know what's best for you. And when it IS right you will not have to go through all of this. We get used to the pain, the missing, the pining. It should never have to be this way. This is NOT what the recipe calls for.

 

 

This basically gets right down to it. If they were the one they'd be with us. It was their decision. We didn't drive them to it. Granted, sometimes people do drive other people to leave them. Many relationships are toxic and someone needs to go, but it doesn't seem that way with most of us in this forum. The responisbility is on them.

 

I've been reading the book "He's Scared, She's Scared," That YSS recommended. It's given me a lot to think about. It talks about commitment-phobia, something I always suspected of my ex (after the breakup anyway). If I'd read it while dating her I would have seen more red flags than I would have at a military parade in Communist Russia. The push/pull dynamic she created. Compartimentalizing her life. I don't know where things went off the tracks for her, but our relationship had a built in expiration date. And I suspect that if I hadn't been so good to her it probably would have fallen apart sooner. The caveat to that is that if I had treated her badly I probably wouldn't have gotten hurt. But that's the way it goes I guess.

 

As for your situation:

I was with my gf for 3+ years. we had our ups and downs. I ignored a lot of red flags much like many of the people who have contributed to this thread. I projected my idea of love onto her because I saw what I wanted to see. She probably did the same. In the end, she broke it off with me because I was supposed to move in with her and couldn't. Why, you say? Because she lives an hour away, my mom is sick with cancer, my mom lives 5 minutes away, and I couldn't bring myself to move until I was okay with how my mom was. I figured that while I would have decades with my gf I may only have a few months with my mom (she has terminal cancer). My gf, well, she felt that I was choosing my mom over her. I was. I thought I had a legitimate reason to do so, too. She apparently did not. This was supposedly "the straw that broke the camel's back". My gf needed me in her every day life (as opposed to a few times per week) and I decided to postpone the move in. Aren't I just the bastard?

 

How dare you sir? How dare you postpone moving in with your girlfriend so you could take care of the woman who gave birth to you during a difficult time?

 

Anyway... I think if you had moved in with her you would have regretted not being with your mom. As it is, I don't think you'll regret losing your ex someday. Eventually she would have left you anyway, and then you'd have nothing, not even the time you spent with your mother.

[1784]

Thanks for the response, Ajax. Your posts are always so full of insight, introspection and wisdom.

 

Another thing I definitely learned over the years is that compatibility is as important, if not MORE important, than love. I can tell what kind of guy you are. You're like me. You'd go out of your way to make your gf happy. The thing is. I'm not so sure they realize this to its full extent. Looking back on my relationship I now realize that I was constantly plugging in holes to keep her happy. This, in turn, actually got to be pretty stressful on me. Her attitude, her rudeness, her selfishness. I chose to ignore those things and concentrate on the good things. This is never good. I completely blame myself for it. So when it comes to "THE END" you probably feel like you did EVERYTHING in your power to hang on to her. You probably did. This doesn't mean, however, that this is a good thing. If she was unable to appreciate and/or reciprocate your efforts then she just wasn't the right gal for you. Plain and simple. You'd never full fully appreciated, you'd probably always feel like you weren't quite enough and she'd be leading you down HER path instead of you two holding hands and walking down tht path together. You don't want this- trust me. You're better off. By the time you were 50 you'd have zero BALLS left. You'd be her slave.

 

This is a hard lesson learned, my friend. I thought I knew better but I, too, was somewhat of a doormat. I didn't realize I was but when I look back I know I was. Sure, I called her out on stuff that was disagreeable with me but not as often as I should have. I CAN TAKE IT! I'M TOUGH! Wrong. It should never have to be so much effort. I believe relationships take work, sure, but when it seems like a job... time to quit. she wasn't as perfect as you made her out to be in your own head. We both need to permanently remove them from that pedestal we put them on so wrongly.

 

Yeah, basically everyone I spoke with, in regards to not moving in, said that I was making the right decision. That I'd regret the time lost if I didn't stay near my mom. That her ending it with me was not only a deal breaker but a sign of terrible things to come had we decided to keep the relationship going. This was not the perfect relationship by any stretch. Sure, we loved each other, quite deeply at times, but you really show your character and merit when things get tough. This is when she always failed me. People always say, "Would you want your mate in a foxhole with you"? You know what? As much as I did love her she'd be a terrible person to be in a foxhole with. she'd be bossy, complain about her feet hurting, tell me I wasn't doing enough, etc. She'd be a pain in the ass. This is her MO.

 

Logically I know the breakup is best for me. Emotionally I'm still having a hard time letting go of her. I'm assuming it will get easier and better. I know that I have to actively let that happen, though, and not just sit on the couch waiting. I wish I didn't have all of these good memories. It sure would make things a lot easier.

[robinseggblue]

Hi.

 

 

Please- do what's right for you. Stop considering her. Consider you. I'm writing this because I'm also trying to convince myself but I know that as I type, these are all truths. Believe them. Let's conquer this together. Let's do what's right for us for a change and stop considering if THEY miss us, if THEY are doing alright, if THEY think they made a mistake, etc. Every time you consider them you are not considering yourself. And every time you stop considering yourself you are halting your own healing.

 

I'd love your thoughts.

 

-T

 

 

I don't know about this. We care if THEY are doing alright, if THEY think they made a mistake, if THEY miss us, because we are caring and compassionate people. We were taught to care about others. I think it's fanstastic that we're this caring. Of course, I don't think that we should care about them MORE than ourselves, but it's a fine line, and we just have to stay on the right side of it. Let's care about both ourselves and our exes. Let's also make sure that we do it at a margin of 3:1 though.

 

In case you haven't noticed, you are SO caring, that not only are you caring about yourselves and your exes, you're also taking the time to offer support to other people in need, here on LS. Feel good about it. Not bad.

[pandagirl]

Ajax, I haven't even been visiting the "coping" forum lately, but I stopped by tonight and I've updated myself on how you're doing.

 

We broke up with our ex's around the same time. I had a very hard time coping, but I did it. Just last week, I found out that he jumped into a relationship right after me. He could've been cheating on me. I don't really know, but for a few days, I was a WRECK.

 

Oddly, I got over it fast. And now I feel officially "healed." A part of me will always love him, but I only got over him once I realized I deserve so much more. You did nothing wrong. You don't need them to validate your worth as a person. I think that's where I got stuck, like if he didn't want me anymore... then it somehow made me less of a person.

 

You're a good guy. I'm going to give you the same advice a friend gave to me the other about dating: "You need to chill. You need to stop thinking about yourself so much. You're cool, pretty, funny and smart. Who cares about ONE guy." And even though it was that ONE guy that I was in love with, my friend is right. I'm not going to let ONE person stop me from being happy. Screw that!

[1784]

I understand that we are caring people. That's not in question. The point is that IF we're stuck trying to get over this person then thinking about them really doesn't help our cause very much. When you're trying to recover from a breakup it is vitally important to do what's best for yourself. It all depends on the situation, I guess. It's very easy to obsess over the person who is no longer there. This is not healthy. This does not help your cause. And what is your cause? Te be happy with yourself. To be happy with your life. And if this person is no longer IN your life nor a part OF your life then considering them really doesn't do anyone any good. They are not there to receive your consideration nor are they they to reciprocate it. This means that you have to worry about yourself.

 

I'm not trying to debate anyone here. I realize that we must be caring people if we take so much time to post here and worry about others, including out exes. I'm just saying that right now, depending on the stage that you're in, considering your ex may be quite counter-productive to your own mental health and recovery.

[betterdeal]

[Ajax]

I don't know about this. We care if THEY are doing alright, if THEY think they made a mistake, if THEY miss us, because we are caring and compassionate people. We were taught to care about others. I think it's fanstastic that we're this caring. Of course, I don't think that we should care about them MORE than ourselves, but it's a fine line, and we just have to stay on the right side of it. Let's care about both ourselves and our exes. Let's also make sure that we do it at a margin of 3:1 though.

 

In case you haven't noticed, you are SO caring, that not only are you caring about yourselves and your exes, you're also taking the time to offer support to other people in need, here on LS. Feel good about it. Not bad.

 

Of course we care, but there's a difference between caring and being "in love" with someone. I care about a lot of people. I care about people in general. I care about people I've met in the course of going about my daily life and activities. Then there's love. I love a whole lot of people too. Obviously I love my family. I love my friends and their families. Most recently I've come to love the students in my classes that I student taught.

 

But then there's being "in love." I've been in love three times in my life, and my ex was the deepest and strongest I've ever felt it. But when this kind of love isn't returned, then caring for and considering that person becomes a self destructive fantasy. I know, it's what happened to me as well as most of us on this forum.

 

My point is that it's ok to care about our exes, as you say, but the depth of that caring has to change.

 

Ajax, I haven't even been visiting the "coping" forum lately, but I stopped by tonight and I've updated myself on how you're doing.

 

We broke up with our ex's around the same time. I had a very hard time coping, but I did it. Just last week, I found out that he jumped into a relationship right after me. He could've been cheating on me. I don't really know, but for a few days, I was a WRECK.

 

Oddly, I got over it fast. And now I feel officially "healed." A part of me will always love him, but I only got over him once I realized I deserve so much more. You did nothing wrong. You don't need them to validate your worth as a person. I think that's where I got stuck, like if he didn't want me anymore... then it somehow made me less of a person.

 

You're a good guy. I'm going to give you the same advice a friend gave to me the other about dating: "You need to chill. You need to stop thinking about yourself so much. You're cool, pretty, funny and smart. Who cares about ONE guy." And even though it was that ONE guy that I was in love with, my friend is right. I'm not going to let ONE person stop me from being happy. Screw that!

 

Hey Panda, good to see you back... and it's always a good sign when people stop visiting these boards as much. Though their advice can be even more beneficial since they're doing better.

 

It's funny how finding out about exes new relationships initially cushes you, but then can help you bounce back even better. When I found outI wondered why she would want to start over with someone new rather than come back to me and t relationship we had. But now it's like a switch has been flipped. I'm not going to pretend I'm completely or her, but I certainly don't have any interest in being with her after she's been with someone else.

 

Also, this book that YSS recommended about commitment-phobia has opened my eyes to certain obvious characteristics in my ex that would make her a poor choice in a partner. I realize that no matter what I did or how much I reassured her, she could never be truely happy being with me. And I want to be with someone who's happy with me.

[LexiArcher]

Today I deleted all pictures of us or from any time we spend together from my computer. I checked her Facebook page one last time. Three people left messages wishing her a Merry Christmas, and there's a picture of her skiing. Nothing informative. I blocked her. Then I took her number out of my phone.

 

Next I took the box of pictures, notes, and other momentos from our relationship outside and burned it.

 

The last thing I had to deal with was the key to her townhouse I still had. I put it in a drawer after she left, and it was the last thing that could remind me of her. I planned to take it to the park where we used to rollerblade and throw it off of the pier into the lake, but the park was closed. So I took it to the bay nearby. The bay was frozen over, so I walked out onto it. I went as far as I thought was safe, and then threw the key as hard as I could. It clanked when it hit the ice, and I turned and walked back to my car. I think it's fitting that sometime this spring the ice will melt and that key will fall into the icy cold water.

 

The last time we talked I told her I'd keep the door and lines of communication over, but that I wouldn't bother her. That was four months ago. Now the door is closed and locked. It's boarded up and a wall's been put up in its place.

 

I've been living the past four and a half months as if she might come back someday, but now I know that she won't because she can't. Now I won't let her back into my life and I get to start a fresh new year.

 

 

I know it's been a few months since this was posted, but I just wanted to say you inspired me. This all took such strength and fortitude to do.

[Ajax]

So after reading a good chunk of this book,I'm seeing some things in a new light. She was/is commitment-phobic. And I think deep down I realized that and that it influenced my behavior during he relatioship as well.

 

I rmember on a few occasions when I was spending the night at her place, I would wake up and she wasn't there. I'd wait a while, like an hour, and go look to make sure she was alright. Usally I'd find her on the couch saying she didn't feel right.

 

I always knew she was independent and tried my best to give her space. Bu I'm starting to see that no amount of space would have been enough. Being with me (or most likely anyone) litterally made her sick. She had to get away.