Still Pining

[YSS]

I've also got bigger fish to fry. When I'm done student teaching in two weeks, I have to finish up my capstone project. That might take me a month or so. Then have to worry about finding a job, and prospects for teachers are pretty sad right now. I'll be moving home to my parents once my lease is up, and I don't know where I'll be a year from now.

 

Should she attempt a return, I'm don't think I'm in a position personally to even bother. I simply don't have room in my life to fit her anymore. Had she stayed it would be a different story... she'd always have had a place. But now if she returned, knowing that the chances would be pretty good that she'd cut and run again, it just wouldn't be worth it to try.

 

Wow - great progress. You definately have bigger fish to fry and are far more deserving and worthy of what Colleen had to offer. I get it that the good memories are just that - good and make you and all us feel sad and nostalgic for what could of been. I think a year from now, you are going to be in a great place. For now, all we can do is stay present and your "today" is lookign very bright and full of opportunity.

 

I truly believe your healing is letting you know within you that its no longer a question of "if" you will and can love again but merely "when" someone new enters your heart. You are truly getting over Colleen, healing and seeing things and her for what it all is. The next woman you get involved with, will be very fortunate. Trust me on this one - your residual baggage is decreasing with every passing day.

 

I know that the book "he's scare, she's scared" perhaps helped a bit. Often times we read these resources so we can better understand our Exs and what happened to us. I would suggestion the book "emotional alchemy" by tara bennett-goleman. I found in reading this book I was doing it for ME this time as opposed trying to figure my EX out and it has helped me better recognize why and how I react to the things the way I do.

 

Happy for you Ajax! Truly am for your healing and progress.

[GreenPolicy]

I found one site Ajax that has a lot of good stuff on it:

 

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

 

This entry is pretty good and I think speaks directly to us:

 

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/happy-one-day-chopped-the-next-when-they-breakup-and-vanish/

 

My friend was six weeks away from getting married when her fiance abruptly announced with no prior warning that he wanted out. Two weeks before he was writing ‘I love you’ in the condensation of the kitchen window and and then in one fell swoop, the wedding off, and he refused to explain, speak with or see her and cut her and all of their mutual friends out his life. She was devastated. She could accept that he didn’t want to get married but she just couldn’t fathom how he could cut her out so cruelly and offer no explanation. Around their wedding date, he forced himself to call…to tell her that he was seeing someone else, and that was only because he’d been seen all over town.

 

Reader Marsha reconnected with an old flame from ten years ago. They’d always kept in touch and when she visited her home country, they got together. Emails, calls, texts, and plans (he said he wanted to get married next year) and promises followed and he booked a flight to visit her and they spoke right up to the night before. The big day arrived, he went dark, refused to speak to her and cut her off. The brief time they spoke he said “Life will go on with or without me”. When she called him another time, he hung up.

 

These are just two examples of a story that I’ve heard many times: When a relationship is abruptly ended, you’re cut off, there’s no explanation, nothing, and you wonder what you did and have to process the loss and closure alone. You feel duped, play the relationship back and search for the signs, but you ultimately end up blaming yourself. I guess it’s the relationship version of being told you’re doing great at your job and then being sacked or made redundant out of the blue with little or no explanation.

 

So here’s what I told my friend, Marsha and others in the same boat: People that break up by abruptly and rather aggressively cutting you off with little or no explanation and pretty much act like you never existed, have to do so to avoid any responsibility for the consequences of their actions and their impact on you so they can press The Reset Button.

 

Acknowledging even a fraction of their actions is to get drawn into acknowledging themselves and your feelings. They can literally pretend like you didn’t exist and tell themselves anything they like. It’s like ‘Get the consequences of my actions as far away from me as possible’.

 

They’re afraid that if they discuss, they’ll get talked into committing themselves to something they don’t want to.

 

They might even feel bad, or heaven forbid, remorse. They want out so badly, they have to sabotage your relationship in such an abominable way that it would make it difficult for them to go back (unless very brazen) or for you to think there was a chance. They safeguard themselves and avoid the commitments that they’ve made by sabotaging their way out and if they’re ‘lucky’, they’ll get a 2 for 1 deal and you’ll think it’s your fault.

 

The overwhelming likelihood is that they didn’t feel that there was a strong enough reason to pin on you so rather than admit they’re scared or they want out, they announce they’re out and cut off.

 

 

Sometime’s people become stifled by a situation often of their own making triggering anxiety and fears about being vulnerable, intimate and committed. Some like the idea of doing stuff more than the reality, and when the future they’ve often billy-bull****ted you and Future Faked about starts getting too close for comfort, they extricate themselves in a big way. They may genuinely have believed that they were going to be and do as they’d committed themselves to but if they were honest, they’d acknowledge that going out with a bang was always a ticking time bomb.

 

Many say and do what they think they should - going through the motions. My friend’s ex likely thought that he had to take ‘logical’ next steps without his heart being in it. She had enough pride to know that she wouldn’t have wanted to marry a reluctant groom but she did see his treatment as a reflection of her. Marsha feels the same but also recognises what a lucky escape she’s had even though she’s hurting a lot now.

 

Many years ago, I worked with a girl from Australia. One Thursday I listened to her boyfriend spend the entire evening professing his love. On the Tuesday he took her ice-skating and talked marriage. On the Thursday, he told her he didn’t love her and he’d met someone else, and added nothing else other than to tell her to get out and go back to Oz. Three days later she was gone.

 

People, especially dishonest, deluded, scared, and fickle people are changeable.

 

Some are not the type to engage in an open and honest dialogue with you in the relationship. When they experience anxiety, their feelings change, there are problems etc, they may not say anything and then erupt out of the relationship like they have a hot poker up their bum. You might wonder what you could have done differently – unfortunately if someone’s way in over their head, you’re not going to know about it until they say or do something. Or you ask. Even then they may not tell you.

 

This.Is.Not.About.You.

 

When someone can rip you out of your relationship and their life from one day to the next, and literally go all Jekyll and Hyde on you, while it’ll hurt like crazy now as it feels like no closure, you can’t decipher what was real and what wasn’t, and you don’t get why you don’t even deserve an explanation, you’ll eventually come to be thankful that you were spared from spending even a minute more in the company of someone that doesn’t play decent, never mind fair.

 

They’ve got all switchy on you because they’re very afraid of commitment and/or they want out but don’t know how to handle these situations with integrity. The pressure and the fear mounts and they panic or they’re the type that doesn’t voice concerns and problems, or solves their problems by lining up a new partner, which then creates the urgency to get shot of you.

 

Being scared doesn’t excuse their behaviour but it does, along with their subsequent actions tell you why a relationship with them isn’t an option. There’s no easy way to broach fears or endings and with them, you were going to get hurt anyway.

 

It would be great if they could respect you and the time you shared by dignifying you with an explanation and decent treatment, but they wouldn’t have ended it this way if that was ever going to be on offer. That…and they would have to explain about themselves and as they don’t want to know themselves and have that level of honesty, you’ll either be in for a long wait or some distorted version of events that will leave you with more questions than answers.

 

Don’t envy the next person because who knows what kind of switcheroo stuff they’ll be pulling there – they may have left a big hole in your life, but you can fill it with a better person and new hopes, dreams, and plans.

[Ajax]

Nice post GP. Sounds a lot like the advice from "He's Scared, She's Scared." I think it's pretty much academic that Colleen had commitment issues and that in reality I dodged a bullet. If we were still together now I know I'd seriously be thinking about marriage.

 

Oh well. Think of how screwed up I'd be if she disguarded me now?

[Ajax]

Well next Saturday will be our would-be anniversary. I was honestly expecting more anxiety leeding up to it, but so far it isn't particularly bothering me.

 

I think I've reached a point where in order to comepletely heal, I need to forgive her. There's a good chance She'll be at my friend's wedding this fall, and I expect that if I ever talk to her again, that will be the time. It's a ways off and nothing I have to worry about at the moment, but I want to be okay seeing her. I have no interest in being her friend. I certainly don't trust her. I don't think she'll ever reach out, and I have no intention of initiating contact, but I do want to forgive her. I'm still working out how to do that and what that would mean though.

 

Regardless of wether or not we ever talk again, I want to be okay with her. Not for her sake, or the sake of our non-relationship, as the case may be now... but for my own sake. I'm tired of resenting her. I simply don't have the energy for it anymore. I think it's natural to feel bitter when someone's been treated the way I was, so I'm not beating myself up for feeling that way. I think it's getting to the point where I need to let that go too.

[Ajax]

So here's my uplifting post and update for you guys. You're going to enjoy it almost as much as me, and it shows that you never know what's going to happen. And I'm not even making it up!

 

First off, Saturday was our "would-be" anniversary. I indended to write something about it, but in all honesty it didn't bother me too terribly much. Yeah I thought about it and got a little nostalgic as I'm prone to do, but I'm definitely past the point of no return as far as Colleen's concerned. That ship has sunk.

 

And I was resigned to a dating free lifestyle for the foreseeable future. I only wanted to date when I found someone I liked enough to date. But then sometimes life throws something your way.

 

I went to the grocery store after school today. I was walking through the produce section and I girl waved at me and started walking up to me as if she knew me. I didn't recognize her, but on the off chance that I should know her I acknowledged her.

 

She came up and said "Hi!" with a huge smile on her face. I was thrown off and just asked if I knew her. Then she got embarrased because she'd thought I was a guy she used to work with. She apologized and we went our ways.

 

But I felt like i missed an opportunity here, so while I may now qualify as creepy, I went looking for her. When I found her I told her I hoped she didn't feel too embarrased, which I think she kind of did. We chatted for a minute. I asked where she thought she knew me from. She explained and then apologized again. I told her it was fine because I'm not used to being approached by cute girls at the grocery store. She laughed and I awkwardly left again, opportunity once again squandered.

 

While heading to the registers I passed her again, telling her we probably wouldn't see each other again. She then formally introduced herself, and I took my chance. I said I could really make things awkward by asking for her phone number, which she then gave me. Opportunity taken!

 

So now I have a cute girl's number who I randomly ran into at the grocery store. Sounds like a pretty good movie scene to me. I plan on trying to set up a less awkward, less random meetup with her.

[Graceful]

So here's my uplifting post and update for you guys. You're going to enjoy it almost as much as me, and it shows that you never know what's going to happen. And I'm not even making it up!

 

So now I have a cute girl's number who I randomly ran into at the grocery store. Sounds like a pretty good movie scene to me. I plan on trying to set up a less awkward, less random meetup with her.

 

Smiling (and howling!) again. I'm not on LS very much during the week lately, but I am so glad I am here tonight to see your update.

 

Awesome. What else is there to say? And no matter what happens, you showed yourself that you're really on your way, if you see what I mean.

 

And take it from me, she's feeling just as good as you are right now.

 

Love it, so love it.

[Ajax]

Thanks Grace, I'm feeling pretty good about it too.

 

I know there's these rules that people make up about how long to wait to call so as not to look desperate and all. But I'm not into that sort of thing, and since I only have one free night this week, I figured I'd call her. We talked for about 10 minutes and are planning on getting coffee Wednesday night.

 

I'm kinda excited

[1784]

What I love about this post is that it has nothing to do with your ex in any way, shape or form and has EVERYTHING to do with you... moving forward... moving onward... happily... excited... optimistic... sucking the marrow out of life.

 

Love it, man. Cheers!

[Billie The Puppet]

I just got all caught up since my last post in here and have seen some new (handles) posting etc. For awhile it felt like a select few in this thread but has since expanded. I guess we all like to share experiences by attaching our stories to someone else that shares or parallels each others. That's the reason why I first entered this thread as I felt like what I was going through mirrored that of AJAX. The point is we all we go through the same obstacles as long as we are in the "Still Pining" stage. There will be first "insert blank" without ex etc. Again Like AJAX I had a birthday pass (March 21st) without any contact from my ex. However I feel that is the best damn present I could have retrieved from her in the first place as anything else would just set me back. There will be the first time we got word our ex is seeing someone else and then we question what our relationship meant to them etc. The thing is if this is the case we are obviously still basing our happiness and self worth on someone who is unobtainable to us. We may be moving on but we are not letting go if that makes any sense.

 

For AJAX reading your replies it seems like you seek some validation that Colleen has thought of you from time to time. Can I ask what does this do for you?

 

The reason I say this if you are "Still Pining" that's not what you want in reality you want her to be thinking of you. Such is not the case as an ex by definition is past tense.

 

That brings me to my next thought process.

 

Purging.

 

Many of us have purged as much tangible objects we could that reminded us of our exes. What about those intangible objects. Those are things like "First Dates" "Our Song" , "Our Table" Our Etc" Our doesn't exist anymore and I really would like those reading this who haven't purged to try and purge them. These are hard as they are easily the most recognizable triggers that remind us of our exes. Thing is you need a rather neutral thought with these because relating them negatively or positively is still attaching them to our exes.

 

Now to explain this I kind of already break my thought process but I need to to give the example.

 

One of the first places I took my ex to was Tremblant Ski-Resort.

 

As you can see this is an intangible "Our First Trip"

 

Should the opportunity arise to which I go be it as a couple with some one else or going with a group of friends or even solo I need to rid Tremblant as "Our First Trip" and see it for what it really is , a fun weekend to hike, ski, and night out at the bar. I need to rid Tremblant as relation to my experience sharing Tremblant with my ex,.

 

That being said I can not just ask the next person I am with to go to Tremblant based on reliving my experience with someone new. If I am going to go to Tremblant with someone new I want that experience to be a chance to hike, ski, and go out on the town. Basically what I am trying to say is you can not limit your self to not doing things you did with your ex but you need to get rid of the attachment and thought process of relating the ex to said place. Heck if I were to ban everything I did with the ex I would have to move to a new country.

I can relate almost anything to my ex through 7 degrees of separation.

 

In the end Tremblant should just be a Ski Resort not the Ski Resort I shared with....

 

 

I don't see myself further along than any of you, Heck of all of us I've most likely been on less dates since my break-up. I tried the dating sites and all that but I am not so comfortable that way especially since I am an introvert.

 

What I am doing is living life keeping busy. In fact I may be going sky diving very soon.

 

Here is something I wasn't go to share because it just counter intuitive but my ex tried to add me on MSN Spaces last week. I have the invite sitting in que since a week ago because I truly have to question myself if I want to open communication again. MSN Spaces is very raely used too but I blocked her from FB and don't plan on unblocking. Besides if she truly wants to contact me she can pick up the phone. Heck I am still in contact with her family too but we never mention the ex as I say time and time again my friendships with them are based on them not her relationship to them and likewise with them to me.

 

Going back to the intangible things. I got a phone call for a city survey job. My contact I met via the ex. I took the job without hesitation as I saw the job as an opportunity to make decent coin as they pay very well. Not as something I used to do with the ex. As I typed this I realized there is also potential she can be on the same job site as she could be getting these too.

 

I have to go into that situation not prepping for it though as I see prepping for something like that as holding onto what ifs.

[J0N]

Hey Ajax,

During this whole ordeal, I have been about one and a half steps behind you. I've been following this thread since November. I am glad to hear that you met somebody who seems nice, that is awesome man. After 6+ months of sh&^yness it is nice when things finally go right for a change. I hope things work out for you and this new girl, and that my situation follows a similar course. Who knows. I guess only time will tell.

[Billie The Puppet]

WTH how the hell did I miss the last reply for AJAX stating new stuff (especially since its one of the last before I replied and me saying I read to get all caught up.

 

I'm Happy for you.

[Ajax]

Thanks for the support and advice guys. And it's especially good to hear from you again Billie!

 

Although I'm not sure I really consider this a pining thread anymore per se.Yes it still involves the ex and I still think about her, but I think I'm past the point where I'm pining over her. I do see value in maintaining this thread though, as a place to collect my thoughts, share my progress and solicit advice. I think it's also good to keep my story on one thread as opposed to maintaining a few. Keeps things organized.

 

So tonight I'm meeting the girl I met at the grocery store, and I have to say I'm a little nervous. But I'm also looking forward to it. It really is funny, and I think a sign of what happens when you really are able to let go. The dates I went on before were busts, and I honestly wasn't really ready for it. So I decided I wouldn't date again until I found someone I actually wanted to go out with. I also finally got to the point where I couldn't even see a future with Colleen anymore.

 

That was when I really let go. And literally a few days later I'm approached by someone out of the blue at the store, and decide that, well... can't pass up an opportunity when it comes up and hits you in the face.

 

I'm not delusional... she may end up not being the one for me. This date may go completely wrong. It may be possible (or even likely) that the only reason she came up to me in the store was because she was off her rocker. But I want to give it a chance.

 

I actually think it's a good sign that I'm a little anxious about it. I'm much more open to possibilities than I was even a few weeks ago. So I will get coffee with her. I will wear a nice shirt, put on some cologne. Brush my teeth. I'll put my best foot forward. I'll make lame jokes. I'll be generally endearing. I'll have fun. And if we decide to meet up again... awesome. But if not, I can live with that too.

[YSS]

happy, happy dance inside and out for you!

 

Couldn't be happier to read your post Ajax. reagrdless of what happens, enjoy the moment and change of tide in your heart and mind. Its all awesome!

[worldgonewrong]

Ajax - just caught up with the latest news! EXCELLENT!!

[1784]

I think the most important thing to highlight here, which Ajax probably didn't even consciously realize, is the moment when he stopped thinking about what he would never have with Colleen and what he COULD have with someone else. This is the moment that signifies total acceptance and moving on. He realized that his ex was NOT the end all be all. That she did NOT encompass everything he thought he wanted. That there IS someone else out there (probably dozens of people) who have more to offer. It's all about taking that person off of that pedestal, throwing away the pedestal, asking them to leave, turning the light off and going somewhere else. And he has.

 

This is where Ajax is and I couldn't be more proud of him. He's opened his eyes to the world again and it is a beautiful thing to witness. Way to go, buddy. You've done us ALL proud. Because it doesn't matter what happens with this girl you met. What does matter is that you were open to it.

Edited April 27, 2011 by 1784

[Ajax]

Well the date happened, and here's the update. I'm happy with how it went, with reservations. We talked for about three hours, the conversation flowed well. Went in for the kiss,it was nice. Really nice. We have tentitive plans to see each other again, but no date set.

 

My reservations come from the fact that during our date she mentioned that she gets bored easily and hasn't been in a relationship longer than three months. Red flags for sure. But if I'm going into this knowing that, then at least I won"t be blindsided by anything. Clearly worse things have happened.

 

The vibes between us were good, and she's pretty smart... and cute. So I'm at least willing to see what happens. No expectations though.

[YSS]

Glad to read it went well. Try not to look for red flags. I understand that it's not done intentionally, per se, but once hurt, the last thing we want is another bad experience and so we are more in tuned for anything that may remind of us something our exs did or acted. That's not to say if alarm bells are going off to keep pursuing. Hopefully you understand what I am trying to say. Enjoy getting to know her.

 

Regardless of what happens, I am delighted to read that you have reached this point of healing. May the rest of us get there too.

 

Keep us posted.

[Ajax]

Thanks for the support YSS. Ragardless, I left her a voicemail a couple days ago and haven't heard from her. So I doubt we'll be meeting again, which I'm fine with. I'll continue with my plan not to date until someone I really want comes along.

 

My last day of student teaching was Friday, and it was a bittersweet occasion. I'm going to miss my students, and I got the distinct impression that they're going to miss me too. It was a good feeling to see the positive impact I had on their lives.

 

It gotten me thinking of this: I spent months upset over the fact that one girl didn't love me anymore, while I lost sight of all the other love I had in my life. And I don't think I'm alone in that. It's hard to keep perspective when we're in the depths of our pain.

 

I still have tons of work to do. I have a thesis to finish, a job to find, my life to live. I started working out a few days ago and my body feels wonderfully dead. Life's on the upswing.

[Ajax]

But then I do this...

 

I don't know what got into me but I looked the ex up on Facebook. I had unfriended her a few months ago, but never fully blocked her.

 

Of course her primary picture is of her and the new guy sharing a milkshake. If it were anyone else it would be cute, but gag me. She never had a main profile picture with me in it when we were together.

 

But it's neither here nor there. The guy looks like an emo-punk kid.

 

**shakes head**

 

Cest la vi.

[YSS]

Emo punk kid, eh? Shaking my head along with you.

 

Sorry to hear the girl did not call back but I think that experience, in particular the run in three times at the store, was to experience what it's like to be over Colleen. Cause when you ran into the girl you were present and aware of the opportunity, her cuteness etc. Let's be honest, at the start of your journey, such a run in with a cute girl, you would not of even noticed her. My point, it doesn't matter in the large picture if she calls you back, her purpose was to demonstrate to you your progress.

 

As for emo punk kid,the best your ex could hope for is a lateral trade, cause a trade up will not occur. Emo punk kid....well that description speaks for itself.

[Ajax]

Thanks YSS. You're too kind

 

As for the emo-punk kid, I'm not going to be too hard on him. He's never done anything to me. Besides, in a few months he may be finding his way to LS himself.

[Billie The Puppet]

But then I do this...

 

I don't know what got into me but I looked the ex up on Facebook. I had unfriended her a few months ago, but never fully blocked her.

 

Of course her primary picture is of her and the new guy sharing a milkshake. If it were anyone else it would be cute, but gag me. She never had a main profile picture with me in it when we were together.

 

But it's neither here nor there. The guy looks like an emo-punk kid.

 

**shakes head**

 

Cest la vi.

 

Just when thing are looking forward a few steps back, if us seasoned guys make those little mistakes. Perhaps you should now make the step to fully block her. It will create an extra step to go through if curiousity ever gets the better of you again.

 

I actually did the reverse of you, Fully Blocked but never unfriended.

 

You know what this does. It makes makes it so I can't succumb to the curiosity urge because when you block someone on your friends list it makes their profile unavailable to you. However since they are technically still "friended" if you ever choose to unblock facebook auto accepts you as a friend upon unblocking no confirmation is sent to the other user. In the news feed it will say in my case "ex name" and "my name" are now friends again without the ex needing to confirm. To my knowledge while she is blocked she can not unfriend or block me her self because facebook as far as she is concerned doesn't know my profile exists until I unblock her.

 

I obviously can't succumb to the temptation of inviting her because I know it will show her I'm still thinking of her. However you don't have this advantage as you've already unfriended her.

 

About the bold.

 

You are making more steps backwards if your making comparisons to your relationship with her to her new relationship. What goes on with her new rs is no longer your concern including if it were to end. I still think you are in a much better place now then you were say 6-7 months ago. It's better to block completely now because you never know when these urges will pop up and I bet it's in your nature to overanalyze everything you see in the display pictures.

 

Trust me I did with she is still wearing the key to my heart necklace, or she's using a picture from our vacation all the way to a picture of her in my mothers home.

 

Looking at FB breaks NC on the sense that you've now contacted her world but not in the sense she knows of thus contact as you haven't directly contacted her.

 

Put yourself back on the right tracks.

 

My ex made contact with me a little over two weeks ago via MSN spaces lol I wasn't even sure that was still in existence. Although I believe I am now in a position to reopen communication I still haven't accepted that friends request.

 

There are other means of contacting me aside from social networks that I'll accept from her. Note she still can't use FB as my profile is unavail to her. I'm happy not being in contact, yet still open to communication however I'm not going to initiate it because I'm happy where I'm at.

 

I did look at her msn space up on the request but nothing new there, I also have heard that she is single via her Mom's Boyfriend as I worked with him and her mom this past weekend, and I got all sorts of news I never asked for but I took it all like a champ and just let conversation flow naturally. I never kept the conversation on my ex. If they had something to say I listened. Now people say I should have asked them not to discuss my ex but I took the standpoint to just let convos flow naturally because asking them not to would show signs to them I'm hurt or still into etc. All this is an afterthought when it all occurred I didn't think about it it just cane naturally.

 

Truth be told I'm not pinning, Im willing to be friends, but don't care enough to make that contact myself. Basically indifferent I suppose.

 

However the news I got I believe her attempt to make contact was a classic case of "fall back syndrome" to which I'm glad I ignored it. Basically she is single again.

[Ajax]

You are making more steps backwards if your making comparisons to your relationship with her to her new relationship. What goes on with her new rs is no longer your concern including if it were to end. I still think you are in a much better place now then you were say 6-7 months ago. It's better to block completely now because you never know when these urges will pop up and I bet it's in your nature to overanalyze everything you see in the display pictures.

 

 

I think you're right Billie, per usual, but in ways you may not even be aware.

 

I had a realization about myself that somewhat disturbed me. Actually it wasn't really a realization, just an honest assessment. Seeing the picture of them didn't bother me too terribly much. The truth is, when I went looking at her profile I both expected and wanted there to be a picture of both of them. Why you may ask? That's the disturbing part to me.

 

I wanted there to be a picture of them so that I could pass some sort of subconcious judgement on them them. I'm not typically the judgemental type, so this scares me. I wanted to be able to look at them and say, "he looks like a loser, or a jerk." I wanted to look at them and judge their relationship (as you said Billie) and say that ours was better. But I can't even do that.

 

Yeah, he looks like an emo-punk kid. Actually he looks more like an emo-poet/writer wannabe. He does not however, look like a loser or a jerk. I can't judge him by the picture, nor can I judge their relationship.

 

So what bothers me isn't the picture, but my motivation. I saw a dark side of myself that I didn't like. I wanted to pass judgement, which is an arrogance that I'm not accustomed to and will try to avoid now that I'm aware of it.

 

Anyway, what are you up to these days Billie?

 

And YSS, how are things coming with you?

[Billie The Puppet]

I think you're right Billie, per usual, but in ways you may not even be aware.

 

I had a realization about myself that somewhat disturbed me. Actually it wasn't really a realization, just an honest assessment. Seeing the picture of them didn't bother me too terribly much. The truth is, when I went looking at her profile I both expected and wanted there to be a picture of both of them. Why you may ask? That's the disturbing part to me.

 

I wanted there to be a picture of them so that I could pass some sort of subconcious judgement on them them. I'm not typically the judgemental type, so this scares me. I wanted to be able to look at them and say, "he looks like a loser, or a jerk." I wanted to look at them and judge their relationship (as you said Billie) and say that ours was better. But I can't even do that.

 

Yeah, he looks like an emo-punk kid. Actually he looks more like an emo-poet/writer wannabe. He does not however, look like a loser or a jerk. I can't judge him by the picture, nor can I judge their relationship.

 

So what bothers me isn't the picture, but my motivation. I saw a dark side of myself that I didn't like. I wanted to pass judgement, which is an arrogance that I'm not accustomed to and will try to avoid now that I'm aware of it.

 

Anyway, what are you up to these days Billie?

 

And YSS, how are things coming with you?

 

Truth is you are human, I did that same thing back when I got news she was seeing someone new. I never got to officially see any photos of them together as she either blocked them from me or never put any up. I did go the extra and creep his profile and still no photos of them. Despite the new age saying of its not official unless it is on facebook my knowledge at the time knew different. I tried to justify anything to the extent I found myself being immature with oh he looks nerdy,goofy, childish and stupid stuff like that. Truth be told I had become the guy I just described and this new guy did nothing to me. My overall nature wouldn't allow me to continue passing such judgments. During that time I actually built up enough strength to go complete NC and I wouldn't be where I am today without LS. In fact due to that strength to this day I don't even know if such couple photos exist. Like I said in my previous post I do know she is newly single, and is very stressed. I don't know who ended her new relationship and to be honest it doesn't matter to me. Like I said I worked this past weekend with her Mother and Mother's BF in which I was informed of all sorts of info but again I was never prying for it but just allowed things to flow naturally. I didn't ask them not to talk about her nor did I bring her up because to be honest I was just there to work.

 

I really am stronger from the knowledge and advice I myself have received here that from time to time I feel it's good to pop in and see how others are doing. Usually my comebacks are triggered by events such as the one I described but this time I didn't come back seeking advice rather just triggered a reminder of "Hey I wonder how some of the people at LS are doing" I always search for this thread and collegeguy_24's as these threads are what I paralleled my situation to.

 

Now as for what I am up to these days. I really can answer that I have been closer to a group of friends lately whom I fell I neglected when I was in a relationship. I swore to myself I will not neglect them in the future. Now many of them are years out of relationships themselves , one is in a really good relationship and the other is in the really early stages of a break up himself. Sometimes I feel its harder to balance get togethers when we have significant others. Especially when I view my self as an introvert. Truth be told I love social interaction but I am socially awkward to organizing such events. If those are planned out by others I'll be the first to tag along and have fun. I'm also in a predicament in which I find myself attached to a woman I met online and I feel she shares the same attachment for me. The reason it is a predicament is she lives across the border in the US and I'm up here in Canada. I am also a firm non-believer in LDR's I just can't commit to them. They lack the true sense of touch something to me I crave in a relationship. I feel if we were local to each other we would really hit it off. She has also been one of my best friends through my healing process (She's been around since before I found LS) and we share many common interests. I really just friend zoned her because of my values when it comes to LDR's. Also lately I have found that my weekends just seem to fill up and is no longer a chore to keep busy which is really good. I am also a few weeks away from booking my first sky dive jump (tandem) which is something exciting.

[YSS]

Thanks YSS. You're too kind

 

As for the emo-punk kid, I'm not going to be too hard on him. He's never done anything to me. Besides, in a few months he may be finding his way to LS himself.

 

I am being honest. Regardless of how the new Beau looks is irrelevant. What matters is how we are on the inside: kind, compassionate, loyal, sensitive, warmth and so forth. It is for that reason I say the most your ex can hope for is a lateral cause she will not trade up.

 

Ajax, your posts here have shown consistencely your thoughtfulness, compassion, loyalty and emotional soundness. After all, this is an anonymousn forum and your posts were a journalling of sort, hence, it is the real you. Believe, lateral is her best but you will trade up.

 

As for your "dark side", cut yourself some slack. One has a dark side when they act on it. A dark thought is nothing more than a roar of thunder passing through your mind. It is gone in a few seconds.

 

As for me, ups and downs. I did reach a point that I realized my sadness has lingered for far too long and am now taking an antidepressant. Not a highlight of my life and it has left me to feel "this is what it has come to". Like many here I was deeply hurt and i can not shake the sadness. Mood has shifted from sadness to blah, guess that's progress. But it does hurt knowing he has moved on and is happy. Truly my ex was not a bad person. I guess that's why it hurts, cause I did loose a good man. Enough of Debbie downer.