Still Pining

[Ajax]

As for me, ups and downs. I did reach a point that I realized my sadness has lingered for far too long and am now taking an antidepressant. Not a highlight of my life and it has left me to feel "this is what it has come to". Like many here I was deeply hurt and i can not shake the sadness. Mood has shifted from sadness to blah, guess that's progress. But it does hurt knowing he has moved on and is happy. Truly my ex was not a bad person. I guess that's why it hurts, cause I did loose a good man. Enough of Debbie downer.

 

I've considered antidepressant's myself, but since I don't have insurance at the moment, it's not really practical.

 

It does suck knowing they've moved on, but how happy they really are is something we can only guess at. I've said it before, but you showed compassion and dedication to your ex. That's a rare thing to find, and he may realize that sooner or later.

 

As for Colleen, I'm 90% sure she's commitent phobic and will experience the same anxiety she did with me. However, I think she'll stick it out. As I've said before, her friends and family liked me and thought she made a mistake. My gut says she'll stay with this guy out of pride. If anything, he'll be the one to walk once the push/pull factor becomes apparent and unbearable. Sometimes I even wonder how much longer I'd have been in denial about it myself. Regardless, it's not my concern.

 

So I picked up "Emotional Alchemy." I figured your recomendations of "He's Scared, She's Scared" and "The Peaceful Warrior" were pretty good, might as well check this out too.

[Billie The Puppet]

I am not an advocate of anti-depressants more so I'm just a non-believer in a pill being able to control my chemical balance/emotional state of mind. I was prescribed some very early on in my healing process and kept telling myself I won't use them until my situation got worse. I did end up taking them and personally felt no change. I took them around the time I found out my ex was in a new relationship and I didnt even take the whole bottle over time I ended up saying **** this and disposed of them.

[YSS]

I am not an advocate of anti-depressants more so I'm just a non-believer in a pill being able to control my chemical balance/emotional state of mind. I was prescribed some very early on in my healing process and kept telling myself I won't use them until my situation got worse. I did end up taking them and personally felt no change. I took them around the time I found out my ex was in a new relationship and I didnt even take the whole bottle over time I ended up saying **** this and disposed of them.

 

I agree with you Billy. For myself, i incorporated all the things to alleviate depression from counseling, new hobbies, exercises, vitamins, meditation etc. But it was not enough. I cannot shake the sadness, let go and get my old self back. Having pre standing liver issue, I am taking a natural antidepressant which seems to be helping. I am Not a pill advocate and resisted for a long time cause i do believe we all need to learn how to cope cause ****, tragedies happen and life goes on. For me, I needed the extra help.

[YSS]

Ajax --hope you enjoy the book. I found he last section a bit too fuzzy for me but the first two thirds helped me better understand myself better.

[YSS]

Thought I would share a site that I frequent often that ohas provided me some inspirational reads. Think peaceful warrior tid bits.

 

http://Www.tinybudha.com

 

Offers one page articles on a series of topics with the intention to be uplifting and get everyone moving toward a happier and brighter future.

[Ajax]

Very cool. Thanks YSS, I'll check it out!

[Ajax]

It's been a couple weeks since I posted on here but I thought it was a good time to get down some of my thoughts and feelings and see where I am.

 

A while ago my friend tagged a picture of himself on Facebook from the wedding we all attended a year ago. Sitting right next to him was me, with my arm around Colleen and looking all cute and in love. I considered being a jerk and tagging myself and her too, but cooler heads prevailed.

 

In all honesty, it seems that I've put the anger and bitterness behind me and forgiven her. I say it "seems" that way, because I don't know if it will rear its ugly head again. I still think about her every day and think back to the things we were doing a year ago that she's probably doing with her new boyfriend now. But I don't get angry when I think about it. I can't really describe it.

 

For example, a year ago we went to a festival together and had a blast. This year I went with a friend (actually a girl I had a crush on many years ago but who shot me down). We had fun, but I kept thinking about when I was there before. It was like feeling a certain sadness but not really being sad. I couldn't put my finger on it, and still can't.

 

I think I accepted what happend a long time ago. I didn't like it or even really understand it, but I came to accept that what we had was over. I think I'm also going to have to accept that regardless of whether she's in my life or not, I will always care about her.

 

I haven't talked to her in 9ish months, and have no intention of breaking NC, but I think now that if she ever were to reach out I'd be receptive. I know she won't come back to reconcile the relationship and I certainly don't want to be friends, but if she called I think I'd pick up the phone and talk.

 

As for dating again, I'm still on an indefinite hiatus. The girl from the grocery store I went out with is the last date I've been on, and that was completely random. I still don't want to date for the sake of dating. If someone comes along who interests me I'll take a chance, but I won't start dating someone just because I can. And so far while there are plenty of nice women out there, none have really stood out to me as someone I'd want to get to know on more than a superficial level.

[Graceful]

Ajax,

 

Time, distance, and effort have put you in a place of acceptance, and that's actually a nice place to reside, after all of the discomfort of the breakup and not feeling at ease or "at home" in your own mind or body.

 

So well done, and I really mean that.

 

You know, my father died a few years ago, and as one of those lucky people who had a wonderful father, I miss him every day. What really killed me when he died, was the anger I felt for his physician, that's right, I thought he was a real ego-centric juicebag who put his ego ahead of my father's well-being because he refused to prescribe an anti-depressant after my Dad had heart surgery. I had even bought a book so I could understand what my Dad was going through, and lo and behold, saw that it's common for depression to take hold after having heart surgery. It's textbook, classic, and expected. But yet, my Dad's physician said, oh, he'll get over it in a few weeks, he doesn't need them. So my Dad suffered with the depression, and then he didn't make it ... so his last days were unnecessarily filled with more discomfort than he should have felt, just b/c of his doctor's self-centered POV. What a jerk, sometimes I still feel hatred for him ... and then I stop. Because nothing is going to bring Dad back, and what's done is done. Nothing will change the outcome.

 

Why am I telling you this? Because I reached acceptance on what happened ... yet, I still get those feelings now and again, and I have to just let them pass, let them go, and know that I would not feel that way if it weren't for the fact I love my Dad, and miss him, and did not want to see him suffer.

 

In all honesty, it seems that I've put the anger and bitterness behind me and forgiven her. I say it "seems" that way, because I don't know if it will rear its ugly head again. I still think about her every day and think back to the things we were doing a year ago that she's probably doing with her new boyfriend now. But I don't get angry when I think about it. I can't really describe it.

This is what I mean, right here. The reason I described my feelings about my Dad are directly related to what most of us feel after ANY loss, or ANY type of grief or letting go pattern. The thoughts do creep in, the anger creeps in, and it creeps in unexpectedly. But over time, we can control the emotions, not let them get the best of us, not really get angry, and realize, that nothing will change the outcome of what happened, and we accept that we still feel badly, but we don't "put it out there" anymore.

 

It was like feeling a certain sadness but not really being sad. I couldn't put my finger on it, and still can't.

 

I think I accepted what happened a long time ago. I didn't like it or even really understand it, but I came to accept that what we had was over. I think I'm also going to have to accept that regardless of whether she's in my life or not, I will always care about her.

Yes, again, it's the same pattern of loss, grief, letting go, and still having fond feelings or love for someone.

 

I often say that sorrow resides in my heart permanently after my Dad died, because it does. But my heart is HUGE, if not enormous, and so is your's. So you have to take that into account. Picture your heart like this HUGE grid, with endless squares on it, maybe an infinite number, in fact. And your ex is in some of those squares, but she's not in all of them. She's part of your heart, and the breakup has caused a type of sorrow to reside in your heart, but you have this HUGE amount of space in your heart for so much MORE to come. Right now, Colleen and all that happened seems prominent. But if you think of your heart as elastic in nature, that it stretches and has a lot of "give" to it, you can envision your heart as this place that has a huge amount of space for so much more in your future.

 

The capacity of the human heart is one of the most amazing concepts. It's a cliche, but the more you give, the more you get. The more you put yourself to the test, the more you learn and grow. No tests? No learning.

 

I know she won't come back to reconcile the relationship and I certainly don't want to be friends, but if she called I think I'd pick up the phone and talk.

This to me, is an enormous amount of growth on your part. You have, in the classic sense, forgiven her. No, you don't condone her for hurting you, and you don't think it's "okay" to just bail, but you've accepted her for who she is, and you're not taking ownership for her behavior. That's a huge part of letting go. You never owned her behavior, but during the worst days of a breakup, most of us do take ownership because we search so hard for answers as to what caused the breakup. One day, we wake up and understand that the breakup could not have been prevented, and the way we were treated is not something we could have prevented, either. The ex could have prevented themselves from treating us poorly. That's on them.

 

The last step in your process is really going to be finding the spark for someone new. I'm the last person who advocates dating as a means to an end (that is, to get over someone else) so I'm with you regarding dating. But it's when you least expect it that you feel that spark, and I suspect that you're on the right track to find it. Just a matter of time. I feel really good about myself and where I am mentally and as a person, too. But I think we are in good company here on LS admitting that we feel like we're on the edge somehow. We know some one is out there, but we don't know when or how it's all going to unfold. But the faith that someone is out there, to feel that sense of faith and hope -- that's something we've worked very hard to get back, isn't it? Enjoy the peace you have worked so hard to find over these months, and of course, keep the faith. You're a real gem and it's just a matter of time before someone's gonna figure that out. Take care. Grace

[J0N]

In all honesty, it seems that I've put the anger and bitterness behind me and forgiven her. I say it "seems" that way, because I don't know if it will rear its ugly head again. I still think about her every day and think back to the things we were doing a year ago that she's probably doing with her new boyfriend now. But I don't get angry when I think about it. I can't really describe it.

 

I think I have reached a similar point. Keep NC and keep yourself busy, don't give into any temptations (like looking at pictures on FB or whatever). I personally do not like going to places where my ex and I made memories together, I usually just get really sad and cease to have a good time. I get these weird fits of thinking about my ex, and sometimes if they happen late at night they keep me up all night. I still think about her daily too, but I have noticed that thoughts of her have become fewer and further between. I think that is a good sign.

 

I read this on another post by starmar:

 

"Look forward to your future- I know it's easy to think this is(was) the end. It is(was) the end. But of a relationship that wasn't good for you. Any relationship that ends this way is not good for you. I have been able to remain friends with exes...only those who were honest, and had good character qualities...If someone dumps you out of the blue...remove them from your life."

 

This is the attitude that I have taken towards my breakup. I have completely deleted my ex from my life, and with enough time and nothing to remind me of "us" I will forget about her and be able to properly move on with my life. I believe the only reason that it has taken this long is because she was the first girl I ever truly loved.

 

I think I accepted what happend a long time ago. I didn't like it or even really understand it, but I came to accept that what we had was over. I think I'm also going to have to accept that regardless of whether she's in my life or not, I will always care about her.

 

I haven't talked to her in 9ish months, and have no intention of breaking NC, but I think now that if she ever were to reach out I'd be receptive. I know she won't come back to reconcile the relationship and I certainly don't want to be friends, but if she called I think I'd pick up the phone and talk.

 

Acceptance is good, even if you do not understand. I am almost there myself, but each day has presented its challenges. I too have not spoken to my ex in over 7 months, but I have found myself getting more and more curious these days about what she is up to. The temptation is getting greater and greater to break NC, I am determined not to though. I have no intention of being sent back to square one by breaking NC, I just won't go there. I too decided a little while back that if she did break NC I would be receptive and polite to her. I do not want to be friends with her, maybe someday 5 years or so down the road, but by that time we both wont care at all anymore. I know though that deep down, she will always have a place in my heart and I will never forget her, even though I know that she has probably forgotten me.

 

As for dating.

I am going to wait until I meet the right person. I remember meeting my ex, and thinking "She is pretty, and Nice" then after a few times of hanging out with her I felt a spark and we clicked. I am going to wait until I meet the right person for me, I do not believe in forcing it when it comes to dating. I am in no rush anyways. I do kind of like being able to do whatever the hell I want all the time.

 

One other thing.

 

I think I can say without a doubt, that this has been the most difficult thing that I have ever had to deal with in my lifetime. It took me so long to understand (or at least stop trying to understand & accept) why somebody who claimed to love me with all of her heart could just up and leave so suddenly on me with little or no explanation. It has been extremely difficult to maintain NC especially during the first couple of weeks after the split. The most difficult thing for me in this whole situation was that I had to deal with it ALONE, after a couple of weeks my friends got tired of the sob stories and told me that I needed to move on blah blah. What I am getting at here is that this whole experience has changed me profoundly, I was a guy who was perfectly content with the way my life was going and I thought that I had everything figured out. Now I have taken the time to grow and learn from my breakup. I have emerged a much stronger, wiser (at least relationship wise) and more mature person. I also have learned to watch out for red flags and not be blinded by love/sex. I think (at least from what I gather from your posts) that you have as well. Ultimately we all will be better people for having gone through this, and we will end up with a SO who is much better suited for us and we will be much happier than we were, even before our breakups.

 

Keep on trucking man.

[Rory12345]

Hey Ajax,

 

I read your posts and I must say that they are helping me as I am in a similar situation you were when you were a month out of your relationship apart from not loving her. All I can say is, even after the amount of time you have been without her is just to keep looking towards the future. Keep positive and just let everything flow, something will come along.

 

Hope you are well.

 

Cheers.

[YSS]

Good to hear from you. Always remember the bet is yet to come for you.

You must be getting close to graduation. Congrats!!!!

[Ajax]

Thanks for your thoughts Graceful, JON, and YSS

 

Graduation was three weeks ago actually. I walked the stage but am still working on my capstone project. It's pretty tedious, but it's getting done. Then I have to find a job, which isn't easy since most school districts in NY are laying teachers off. But it's not all doom and gloom. I really enjoyed my time student teaching, so when I find someone who will pay me to do it full time I'll be a very happy man.

[benmajer]

It seems quite wierd that some have such trouble getting over their ex's. I mean I read Magic of making up but it only made me realise what was obvious.

I need to read more on NC I guess. But I get your feeling, I had the same. I honestly just went with it. If you let your ex bother you just by existing, then you're letting her win. Maybe my method is a bit destructive but at least it worked

[reimeivn]

Yes block her, untag her, delete her number, dont even go on fb.

 

You are heart broken, you have the right to do whatever that makes you feel better.

 

Do not worry about what other people think. They do not think. If I am one of them, and If I think, it must be something like this: he must had loved her a lot, and the relationship was so special, thats why he did what he needed to.

 

If somebody dont think so, they do not have a heart, and never got heartbroken, they do not worth you caring about.

[mgene15]

hey all, i havent posted in here in a few months..ajax and gt were the main ppl listening to my rants..lol.. but its been around 9 month since the breakup..she immediately got with a new guy..then periodically during the last 9 months she would call me or text me ..sayin she missed me.she even calls me in march when she broke up with the guy an asks if she can come over...i decline..so then gets back with him...so about a week ago she hits me up with a text sayin she moved in with her new man... idk man..i had NC...i have never myself reached out to contact her in 9 months..and i don't want to change my number..but when she texts me its pretty hard not to notice the big words on my screen..ajax.gt..if your reading..she did everything she could to go out of her way..to let me no that because she knew i was ignoring her and on NC... kinda hurts how someone could do that...

Edited May 30, 2011 by mgene15

[Billie The Puppet]

hey all, i havent posted in here in a few months..ajax and gt were the main ppl listening to my rants..lol.. but its been around 9 month since the breakup..she immediately got with a new guy..then periodically during the last 9 months she would call me or text me ..sayin she missed me.she even calls me in march when she broke up with the guy an asks if she can come over...i decline..so then gets back with him...so about a week ago she hits me up with a text sayin she moved in with her new man... idk man..i had NC...i have never myself reached out to contact her in 9 months..and i don't want to change my number..but when she texts me its pretty hard not to notice the big words on my screen..ajax.gt..if your reading..she did everything she could to go out of her way..to let me no that because she knew i was ignoring her and on NC... kinda hurts how someone could do that...

 

Trust me you know the stages when we were begging not wanting to break-up etc back when the break up is fresh. Remember back when we were not thinking when we emailed, texted or called back then.

 

She wasn't thinking when she texting you what she did and in the long run it makes you guilt trip yourself into thinking you pushed her back into his arms etc. In a way it has gotten to you of course it hurts. What you need to do is not let it get to you. Does your wireless service provider provide a text blocking service? Some do so you should inquire about that.

[Ajax]

hey all, i havent posted in here in a few months..ajax and gt were the main ppl listening to my rants..lol.. but its been around 9 month since the breakup..she immediately got with a new guy..then periodically during the last 9 months she would call me or text me ..sayin she missed me.she even calls me in march when she broke up with the guy an asks if she can come over...i decline..so then gets back with him...so about a week ago she hits me up with a text sayin she moved in with her new man... idk man..i had NC...i have never myself reached out to contact her in 9 months..and i don't want to change my number..but when she texts me its pretty hard not to notice the big words on my screen..ajax.gt..if your reading..she did everything she could to go out of her way..to let me no that because she knew i was ignoring her and on NC... kinda hurts how someone could do that...

 

Honestly, mgene, I know what she said is gnawing at you, but she sounds rather pathetic to me. Everything she's said and done sounds like it's been done out of lonliness and desperation. She clearly wasn't happy with him when she broke up with him and only went back when she realized the safety net (you) was gone. Then she probably moved in with him because she had to up the ante in order to get him to take her back.

 

Everyone says on here how hurt people hurt people, and she was obviously hurt. If you'd let her back into your life she'd have hurt you again. Don't feel guilty about defending yourself from someone who's already demonstrated the ability and willingness to break your heart.

[mgene15]

yea its pretty rough, but life goes on, today i put a block service from sprint so every time her number or her mom's cell phone calls it automatically stops right there an goes straight to voice mail..an texts are blocked as well.

[Ajax]

I just had a FTF moment, and while I feel like a bit of a loser even discussing this, here it is.

 

Okay, I don't think it's any secret that I'm a sappy guy. I'm a romantic. I enjoy love ballads. I'm not gonna pretend I don't. So today between John Tesh's useless intel for my life (I don't need to lose weight and I'm not a germaphobe, Teshy!) Donna Lewis' came on with her classic, "I Love You Always Forever." You've all heard it, I promise you.

 

Now, I'm not so much of a sap that I actually know who she is at this point, but we've all heard the song a million times since the 90's when it played on the radio every day. But I'm a curious lad, and I wanted to know who sang this delightfully romantic song, so I looked up the lyrics, then youtube'd it to watch the video. Here is the link for it:

 

My WTF moment came as soon as I saw her. She's a dead ringer for my ex. No joke. They could be identical twins. The hair, face, eyes, body, even the nose... so now any of you wondering what my ex may have looked like... that's basically her. And it may be a trick of the mind, but now I even think it sounds like her...

 

And I hate to admit it, but I was a little turned on. Especially the part where she's wearing the open jacket and nothing underneath. Yowzers!

 

My name is Ajax, and I need to move on with my life

[1784]

At least you have a sense of humor about it ; )

 

It's all a process and you're still going thru it. But you're closer to the end than you are to the beginning. Look at it that way.

[Ajax]

At least you have a sense of humor about it ; )

 

It's all a process and you're still going thru it. But you're closer to the end than you are to the beginning. Look at it that way.

 

 

Yeah, I know I am, but I actually had a bit of a relapse today and it didn't even have anything to do with that video.

 

I'm moving out of my apartment and back to my parents while I look for a job. They were here packing today and I found a few things that reminded me of my ex.

 

In fact the whole experience made me a bit nostalgic. It was a year ago that she helped me move in. Honestly some of the things here were probably last touched by her.

 

Six weeks after moving me in, she was gone. August 14th. And that's coming up in just a few weeks. It's hard to think that it's nearly been a year, and yet I still think of her. I do still miss her.

 

I've done a lot in the past year. I finished grad school. I student taught and made some great connections with kids at school. But I can honestly say that it's been the most difficult year of my life.

[1784]

I'm sorry to hear that, Ajax. I wouldn't call it a "relapse", though. You were right when you called it nostalgia. That's all it is. It happens to the best of us. Listen, in the end we love all of the people we dated in one way or another, some obviously more than others. This doesn't mean we're supposed to be with them. It's okay to admit that. Your ex played an important part of your life with you... in your past. It's okay to admit that, think on it fondly, etc. As long as you know that THAT chapter of your life is over. Let's say she's chapter 3. You're on chapter 5 now. As you've said, you've accomplished a lot since your breakup. You just haven't moved on to the next female yet. And that's fine. You've been working on yourself which can only better prepare you fro the next special person in your life.

 

Just don't beat yourself up over this little memory jab. That's all it is and we all have them from time to time. It's how stuck we allow ourselves to remain on them that matters most. Recognize it for what it is, nothing, and then keep on keepin' on. Plus, the reasons why you had this little glitch are perfectly understandable. if you went to your 8th grade classroom you'd have all sorts of 8th grade memories come rushing in. That's just the way sh*t works. It doesn't MEAN anything. It's just memories. And without them we wouldn't be who we are.

 

Read this message and then just do something else. Don't hang around looking for more answers than you need. You're fine. You're just human like the rest of us.

 

Be well.

[J0N]

Hey man I recently moved to a new city. When I was packing up my stuff I also stumbled over a few things that she had left at my place that I hadn't noticed in my previous "clean out". I am also getting closer and closer to a WHOLE YEAR of NC. It is really odd, I still think about her all the time. Recently, I have found myself starting to believe/accept that we just were not right for each other. We used to get in fights over the dumbest things, then she would give up then we would have sex and it was like we never fought about anything at all. I think she used this to blind me to a lot of the red flags. At this point it is what it is. Our relationship is over, and it was fun while it lasted. I no longer consider her an acquaintance of mine. She is a really nice person, I hope she finds somebody who is more compatible with a "type A" personality than I was. A good friend of mine told me a few days after we broke up "If you truly love someone, then let them go, if they return then they were truly yours." Well I let her go, and I have yet to hear from her... so much for that stupid quote. lol.

 

I know I am just rambling, but at this point there is not a whole lot we can do but to just turn the page in our life to the next chapter. When we find that special someone who is right for us we will ultimately be happier people.

 

Glad to hear that you are moving forward with your life...

[YSS]

Ajax

Not sure how I missed your previous posts.

It's part of the process to have moments of nostalgia and sadness. Packing up the apt just set off some triggers as your are bringing a certain part/chapter of your life to a close. Completely understandably that it triggered memories of moving into the apt and of course Colleen.

 

Take the feelings in stride. Wish I had better words of wisdom than that. If it makes you feel better I think today was the first day in 18 months that i felt ok. Then going home realized I need to make a hotel reservation for just me since I am taking a holiday, and the day is his b-day which I am certain hens planning great things with his new girlfriend and her kids. One foot in front of the other. Sigh

[Ajax]

Thanks for the words of encouragement guys, I appreciate it. Sometimes I wish I weren't so sentimental. Or maybe that I just didn't have such a good memory

 

If it makes you feel better I think today was the first day in 18 months that i felt ok. Then going home realized I need to make a hotel reservation for just me since I am taking a holiday, and the day is his b-day which I am certain hens planning great things with his new girlfriend and her kids. One foot in front of the other. Sigh

 

The upside is that you felo ok for a while, so you know you can. Where are you going YSS? Hopefully you'll treat yourself to a wonderful time!