Still Pining

[J0N]

I also have a really good memory, I wish I could just press delete while still remembering somehow all the lessons I have learned from this whole ordeal.

 

I realized recently that guys like me/you are SUPER rare (not trying to toot my own horn here). What I mean is a guy who really only seeks girls that he might have a future with. Not like every other jerk off who is just out to get laid every night. My/your ex will realize what they threw away some day, but by that time it will be far too late. I have a few new friends at work who are girls and they always say "all the good guys are either gay or married." Well I am one of the few who is single. I just hope that there is a girl out there who will appreciate this and reciprocate it back to me. At this point though, I am going to take it easy for a while and just work on myself.

 

Sorry for the rambling... I have been thinking about my ex because exactly a year ago we did the big family get together 4th of July weekend (and me and all of my siblings all had significant others) this time around I am the odd man out. I will have to watch the fireworks all by myself...

[Ajax]

Sorry for the rambling... I have been thinking about my ex because exactly a year ago we did the big family get together 4th of July weekend (and me and all of my siblings all had significant others) this time around I am the odd man out. I will have to watch the fireworks all by myself...

 

Hey man, I know how ya feel. 4th of July we had a memorable time too. We went to some wineries, and then I took her to a chapel on the lake where my parents live that I always thought I'd like to get married in. Then we went over to my uncle's for the family barbeque. I'll be thinking about my ex too.

[YSS]

Heading to the east coast for kayak/hike/cycle week. Going alone and feel like a knob. It's an organized adventure and I think the rest of the group are couples with the exception of an older woman who I think is older. I will follow this up with a week of beach and surf. Basically forcing myself to do the things I once liked with the hope that once I am in the midst of it, I will just love it again. It does sadden me cause it's the things my ex and I loved to do.

 

I agree with Jon that you guys are the "rare" ones. Believe me. While I should not say this, my ex was like you guys. Very sentimental and sensitive and I loved it. He was the most caring person I ever met but once he lost interest and freaked out over his memories of his EX, it was like all the kindness went down the drain. Maybe he was not all that authentic after all. Dunno. In my gut, I know he is one of the rare ones despite folks telling me he is messed.

 

Hang in there guys, and don't settle for less than a woman who REALLY appreciates you. Trust me, when she truly values you for your goodness, you will know it without doubt. She is out there.

 

Wishing you all a great summer.

[IfiKnewThen]

I also have a really good memory, I wish I could just press delete while still remembering somehow all the lessons I have learned from this whole ordeal.

 

I realized recently that guys like me/you are SUPER rare (not trying to toot my own horn here). What I mean is a guy who really only seeks girls that he might have a future with. Not like every other jerk off who is just out to get laid every night. My/your ex will realize what they threw away some day, but by that time it will be far too late. I have a few new friends at work who are girls and they always say "all the good guys are either gay or married." Well I am one of the few who is single. I just hope that there is a girl out there who will appreciate this and reciprocate it back to me. At this point though, I am going to take it easy for a while and just work on myself.

 

Sorry for the rambling... I have been thinking about my ex because exactly a year ago we did the big family get together 4th of July weekend (and me and all of my siblings all had significant others) this time around I am the odd man out. I will have to watch the fireworks all by myself...

 

jon ajax, someday you will find the person that really matches with you. i do believe God is good and if you ask for it and prepare yourself for someone worthy of you, you will find it. just be patient. as for the 4th, happy 4th to you. see it as another day. make it memorable for yourselves or make it mean nothing. let it breeze by and just have a good day. . thats all you can do.

[Graceful]

Sounds like this is a matter of "saving the best for last" as far as some of the people who have posted here.

 

As for hiking, cycling, and all that? I doubt your ex is the only other person in the entire world that likes to do that sort of thing, YSS. Just teasing, and I know you must have enjoyed these activities with your ex, but cheesh, you might meet a new guy on a path some where, and if you are thinking of your ex, you would miss out on meeting a new person. See what I mean? (I've been on two adventure vacations and had the time of my life both times. It didn't matter who was there as a single or a couple, we all became friends).

 

Enjoy a trip, a day or a moment for where you are this year, this month, this week. Try to imagine driving your car, or riding your bike, or even walking going backwards, or with your head turned in the opposite direction, so you can't see where you're going. Seriously. What's going to happen? Hit a tree? Hit a wall? Get dizzy and crash and fall? Sound like fun? That's what happens when you go backwards. You see where I'm going with this?

 

As far as sensitive, caring, sincere people who date for the "right" reasons -- that's a very attractive and yes, rare, attribute. Don't worry, there are plenty of women out here (waves hand ) who appreciate that, and who want to spend their lives with someone like that. Don't ever doubt yourselves. Just a matter of time. Saving the best for last, see what I mean?

[Ajax]

Heading to the east coast for kayak/hike/cycle week. Going alone and feel like a knob. It's an organized adventure and I think the rest of the group are couples with the exception of an older woman who I think is older. I will follow this up with a week of beach and surf. Basically forcing myself to do the things I once liked with the hope that once I am in the midst of it, I will just love it again. It does sadden me cause it's the things my ex and I loved to do.

 

 

Well if you're passing through NY feel free to stop by!

 

I've forced myself to do some of the things I enjoyed with my ex too, and it really didn't take long before I was having fun again. Yeah, I thought of her, but it wasn't fair to myself to give up certain things I liked anyway just because I couldn't do them with her anymore. I hope you have the same experience, because it's not fair to YOU to give up the things you loved because it make you think of him.

 

Enjoy your vacation and let us know how it goes. You deserve it!

[ganbare]

Oh you're a teacher, Ajax? I'm trying to follow that career path as well. What kind of students are you looking to teach? Keep me updated on the job search!

[Ajax]

Oh you're a teacher, Ajax? I'm trying to follow that career path as well. What kind of students are you looking to teach? Keep me updated on the job search!

 

I'll be certified for Social Studies and Special Education grades 7-12. I like both, but would prefer Social Studies. I actually subscribe to the philosophy that the majority of students that qualify for special education would benefit more by being included in general education classrooms with whatever support is required.

 

I "graduated" with my masters in May, but am still working on my capstone. Once that's done I can get my certification. Here in NY, as in most of the country, teaching positions are pretty sparse.

 

Despite the current job outlook, if you really want to teach you should go for it. Conventional wisdom is that in the next few years things will go back to normal and schools will be hiring again.

 

What would you like to teach, and where are you?

[calndn]

Anyone mind if I join in this post?

 

Ajax....totally with you on thinking you had a relapse. I did that so many times, felt I was having a relapse because I would look at photos of me an my ex or see his toothbrush still in my bathroom or see the cuddly toy he got me. But the others are right it's nostalgia. I recently went back to where I went to university for the weekend and I had the same feeling...going to the bars we used to go to and going onto campus made me almost well up (I'm feeling super emotional at the mo!) the feeling of nostalgia was so overwhelming but it made me realise that looking through photos etc brought back those good memories. Just remember to remember the not so good memories too. Don't put her on a pedestal!

 

My ex he fr some reason became drop dead gorgeous in my eyes after the split where as I never thought that before...has anyone else had that? I have moments where I'm like ok no he isn't the best looking guy on the earth like

I suddenly think he is but then I have moments again of thinking he is and that I'm never going to get someone better or as good looking. I'm hopefully sure to find someone better in the other sense as my ex after moving 200 miles for me changed into someone I hardly recognised then basically turned into a complete bastard which I never thought he could be. He was the most caring sensitive guy but was that the real him? Or was the horrid guy he became the real him? I don't know .

 

It's been 8 months, but only 3 months since we actually stopped talking and seeing eachother. I've seen him twice since in the pub we both happened to be in and seen him 2/3 times in passing(be it passing in the car or something) the first time he asked me over to his the next day. I didn't bother to get in touch to tell him either way. Since then (7 weeks) I haven't spoken to him apart from a hello the second time I saw him. I'm feeling good, much better than I was 3 months ago...I mean much much better. But I had a bad day yesterday. Have seen a few details that have me lead to believe he is seeing someone. I don't know for sure but it sucks and I can't stop thinking about it .

 

Just feel so lonely and unwanted sometimes xxx

[Sugarkane]

I'll be certified for Social Studies and Special Education grades 7-12. I like both, but would prefer Social Studies. I actually subscribe to the philosophy that the majority of students that qualify for special education would benefit more by being included in general education classrooms with whatever support is required.

 

I "graduated" with my masters in May, but am still working on my capstone. Once that's done I can get my certification. Here in NY, as in most of the country, teaching positions are pretty sparse.

 

Despite the current job outlook, if you really want to teach you should go for it. Conventional wisdom is that in the next few years things will go back to normal and schools will be hiring again.

 

What would you like to teach, and where are you?

Hi Ajax I can relate to your post as I find the memories, just the worst aswell. It sounds like you have a lot of things going for you. And I totally envy you, as you live in NY!

[IfiKnewThen]

 

Enjoy a trip, a day or a moment for where you are this year, this month, this week. Try to imagine driving your car, or riding your bike, or even walking going backwards, or with your head turned in the opposite direction, so you can't see where you're going. Seriously. What's going to happen? Hit a tree? Hit a wall? Get dizzy and crash and fall? Sound like fun? That's what happens when you go backwards. You see where I'm going with this?

 

As far as sensitive, caring, sincere people who date for the "right" reasons -- that's a very attractive and yes, rare, attribute. Don't worry, there are plenty of women out here (waves hand ) who appreciate that, and who want to spend their lives with someone like that. Don't ever doubt yourselves. Just a matter of time. Saving the best for last, see what I mean?

 

i so enjoyed reading this . yeah its not fun going backwards, in thoughts that go nowhere. or going backwards in feelings. bumping into all the obstacles. and the biggest one...that its over.

[ganbare]

I'll be certified for Social Studies and Special Education grades 7-12. I like both, but would prefer Social Studies. I actually subscribe to the philosophy that the majority of students that qualify for special education would benefit more by being included in general education classrooms with whatever support is required.

 

I "graduated" with my masters in May, but am still working on my capstone. Once that's done I can get my certification. Here in NY, as in most of the country, teaching positions are pretty sparse.

 

Despite the current job outlook, if you really want to teach you should go for it. Conventional wisdom is that in the next few years things will go back to normal and schools will be hiring again.

 

What would you like to teach, and where are you?

Yeah I subscribe to your philosophy about not making special education a separate entity. Wow you have a masters degree? Can you still teach with just a bachelors? Excuse my ignorance but what does "capstone" refer to?

 

With our economy in shambles I don't trust "conventional" wisdom at all but a major downturn in the economy is going to affect all sectors. I would love to teach Math/Computer Science high school courses in Canada.

 

Hope things are going well for you!

[Ajax]

Yeah I subscribe to your philosophy about not making special education a separate entity. Wow you have a masters degree? Can you still teach with just a bachelors? Excuse my ignorance but what does "capstone" refer to?

 

 

A capstone is basically the final project we have to do to complete the degree. Most of us wrote research papers. I hate research, and it's taking me forever to finish. But it's getting close to the end now

 

YSS, are you back from your trip yet?

[Ajax]

So I'm reluctant to post this because it's been almost a year and I really shouldn't be thinking about this stuff anymore. But something bugged me yesterday and I thought I'd put it down. If anyone has any perspective feel free to lay it on me.

 

Basically I'm jealous, but I'm not entirely sure what I'm jealous of.

 

I guess I'm mildly jealous of her new boyfriend, although not substantially. From what I understand he seems to be a decent enough fellow, though I have heard that he's pretty needy himself (ironic since I've entertained the idea that she dumped me because I was "too interested") But I digress. I think my lack of significant jealousy towards him comes from the knowledge that it's likely to be only a matter of time before he joins me in the pantheon of discarded lovers.

 

Well here's what happened. My friend, my ex's cousin, who I've mentioned before and who introduced us was over yesterday. We havn't talked about her in months. He knew I took things hard and I know at least for the few months after the breakup hadn't been talking to her either.

 

While he was here his mom called him and I overheard the conversation. Apparently my ex's sister had just had another baby.

 

So why should this bother me or make me jealous? I'm thinking that a year ago I would have been a part of this. I'm good with kids, and when I was with my ex I guess I kind of played it up with her other nieces and nephews. I think I feel jealous because I don't get to be a part of this experience with her and her family.

 

But it's a good thing right? I mean, how much more jealous would I be feeling if it was her who just had a baby? It would be possible. We've been broken up since last August. If it were someone else coming to me saying this I would question why they even cared. I would say, "good for her. What's it have to do with you?" And I'd be right. Good for her. What's it to me?

 

And now I'm rambling. I'm going to stop now. Any insight would be appreciated.

Edited July 9, 2011 by Ajax

[IfiKnewThen]

i think it all comes down to....that they just appear to be living a life. carefree. and one can feel...slighted. because. we dont feel like we are truly living to the fullest....when we are still healing. and when you were once happy with someone...or last fully happy with "them", you associate living and happiness , with them. so you think the new spouse of that person is getting the happiness you once had.

 

 

it's all about association. when you associate full and complete happiness with something else or someone else......most all of these feelings , i think and hope....will dissipate. everyone bring something unique to a relationship....you might miss that in her or see him as getting that now. all these things take time. but i can tell you nothing is 100% and really all that blissful.

 

anniversaries also arouse a thought or feeling. this is the 1 year mark for you. of course you feel things more. its naturual. it evokes memories and feelings or just plain....thoughts or reminders. but remember nothing is 100% and likely its NOT all that great for "them".

 

you have been doing good. keep up the good work.

[J0N]

Hey man, I am also getting closer and closer to rounding the one year mark myself. There are still residual feelings for my ex, there is still a part of me that wishes I was in her life. Sometimes I still can't believe that she isn't in my life anymore. I really liked my ex's family her parents & siblings were awesome, I used to go to baseball games with her little brother, and I really enjoyed hanging out with her sisters, they were so much fun. Her sister just graduated from college and I really wanted to tell her congratulations. I want to tell my ex how proud of her I am for finishing up grad school at the top of her class, But I can't...

 

They were great people, but I have to accept that they were one of the casualties of breaking up with my ex. She also had a bunch of friends that I was only friends with because of her, that went with her.

 

I think you just have to keep on trucking man. There is no easy answers for these things. Try to just focus on yourself...

 

Its ok that you still think about her... your not a psycho... you just really loved her. From your previous posts that is quite obvious. These things just take time.

 

A good friend of mine just broke up with his girlfriend, same story as me. She just walked out on him. He is absolutely devastated, and called me asking for advice (knowing that I had gone through a similar situation). What do you say? It is hard, and it just takes time... stay NC... stay the course... focus on you and your life... distance yourself from the situation.

[GreenPolicy]

I set up a profile on OK Cupid a few months after we broke up. I've done some casual dating, but haven't yet met anybody that I desired being in a relationship with. I think a big part of that is that I have been working on healing and getting over the ex and it is hard to make a connection when you are not completely emotionally available. I hadn't deleted my account, but I hadn't been active on the site recently. I was not initiating any messaging with women. I had resolved to work on myself more, try to indulge more hobbies and interests, make new friends and strengthen existing friendships, and make more of an effort to date in a few months.

 

I wake up today and get an email alerting me somebody has sent me a message on OKC. I do log in out of curiosity and read a short generic getting to know you kind of message. I browse to the girl's profile to read it and look at her pictures. Guess who appears in two of this girl's pictures? Yep, my ex.

 

I think the whole thing is just a big coincidence. I don't think this person knows who I am. I don't recognize her at all though. If I had to guess, she appears to be somebody my ex became friends with after we split. We spent almost every single weekend together when we were a couple and I'm confident I met pretty much all of her friends at the time.

 

I'm not going to write this person back obviously, but it is upsetting. I avoid looking at my ex's facebook because I regard that as breaking NC, because you are getting a glimpse of their world. I guess I can deduce that she took down all of our pictures together, because I'm sure this person is fb friends with her and otherwise would recognize me as her ex. But nevertheless, I have gotten a glimpse of my ex's world after me. She appears in two pictures. In one, she and the girl who wrote me are posing together smiling. They appear to be on the outdoor patio of a bar. My ex is wearing a blouse I don't recognize, so I assume this is recent. In the other, they are smiling and posing together, apparently at some sort of outdoor concert on the green where you take lawn chairs and blankets.

 

It brings back all the feelings I've been working on trying to process - the lack of closure, not understanding it, the hurt of losing her, feeling like I have struggled to enjoy my life fully while healing whereas she appears to have moved on to a carefree existence. Who knows what is really going on in her life, almost all of us smile while posing for pictures.

 

I feel like NC was broken and it wasn't my fault.

[Ajax]

I wake up today and get an email alerting me somebody has sent me a message on OKC. I do log in out of curiosity and read a short generic getting to know you kind of message. I browse to the girl's profile to read it and look at her pictures. Guess who appears in two of this girl's pictures? Yep, my ex.

 

 

That is a strange thing. I don't know. If I were in your position I'd be tempted to write this girl back. Is she cute? Of course you'd have to mention that your ex is in the pics. That might be awkward, but you never know.

 

 

JON and IfiKnewThen: Thanks for your perspectives. I don't think this jealous feeling is directed at her new guy as much as I feel like I'm missing out on an important even in her family's life. But since I haven't been a part of her life in almost a year anyway, I feel bad for feeling jealous.

[GreenPolicy]

That is a strange thing. I don't know. If I were in your position I'd be tempted to write this girl back. Is she cute? Of course you'd have to mention that your ex is in the pics. That might be awkward, but you never know.

 

Absolutely no way do I want to write this person back. There is a small part of me that is tempted to write her back and say "Thanks for your interest but I don't think we're a match" and then sign off with my name, but I know that is a bad idea. She and my ex are friends of some sort and appear to hang out often. Who knows how she knows her? Maybe my ex has a new boyfriend and she's the boyfriend's sister. It's better to let sleeping dogs lie and not know how they know each other. I couldn't date a good friend of my ex. We would cross paths sooner or later. On her own merits she's not somebody I think I would want to get to know anyways.

[Badenov]

I think the whole thing is just a big coincidence. I don't think this person knows who I am. I don't recognize her at all though. If I had to guess, she appears to be somebody my ex became friends with after we split. We spent almost every single weekend together when we were a couple and I'm confident I met pretty much all of her friends at the time.

 

Who was it that said "There are no coincidences."? I don't want to make you paranoid, but it smells fishy. Did anyone else know you were doing this OKC thing? Did you provide enough info in your profile for an educated guess? Is your ex the kind of person who might put someone up to this? Is she fishing?

 

I really don't want you to tear open old wounds. Just keep your mind open & your guard up.

[GreenPolicy]

Who was it that said "There are no coincidences."? I don't want to make you paranoid, but it smells fishy. Did anyone else know you were doing this OKC thing? Did you provide enough info in your profile for an educated guess? Is your ex the kind of person who might put someone up to this? Is she fishing?

 

I really don't want you to tear open old wounds. Just keep your mind open & your guard up.

 

Other than getting her bike back three months after she dumped me, she has not made contact once. I can't imagine she wants anything to do with me.

[YSS]

YSS, are you back from your trip yet?

 

Ajax,

I completely understand your feelings of jealousy. Like others who have commented she is living life and moving on. While nothing is perfect one hundred percent of the time, her and the new guy are moving forward day by day. Perhaps my previous sentence is projecting far too much of what I am feeling with my ex. He too has moved on with this new woman and her kids and making plans. I know my ex was not the love em and leave em type. It evokes a lot of feelings and jealousy is one cause I feel in was not worth coming back to.

 

As for the trip, sunny skies, great scenery, hills were tougher to climb especially the first day. It was bittersweet. I was the youngest and the rest were in their 50s. 2 couples and one other older single woman. I really enjoyed kayaking and seeing al the sea lions. As much as the kayaking, hiking and cycling were great, I really missed having someone to share it with. Due to logistics, my lodging was not with the others so had breakfast alone everyday and dinner too a few times. Truthfully, here is the pathetic part of me, if I was with my ex, we would be doing this on our own without the need to sign up for adventure travel. But that will never happen and this is my life. I am all over the map emotionally and nothing worse than coming home to an airport with no one waiting for you to realize just how alone one is.

 

Ajax ride the wave of the year mark of the break up and just ride the emotions out. None of us know what's waiting around the corner for us, with the exception of all of us here rooting you on and standing behind you for support.

[bl22]

I set up a profile on OK Cupid a few months after we broke up. I've done some casual dating, but haven't yet met anybody that I desired being in a relationship with. I think a big part of that is that I have been working on healing and getting over the ex and it is hard to make a connection when you are not completely emotionally available. I hadn't deleted my account, but I hadn't been active on the site recently. I was not initiating any messaging with women. I had resolved to work on myself more, try to indulge more hobbies and interests, make new friends and strengthen existing friendships, and make more of an effort to date in a few months.

 

I wake up today and get an email alerting me somebody has sent me a message on OKC. I do log in out of curiosity and read a short generic getting to know you kind of message. I browse to the girl's profile to read it and look at her pictures. Guess who appears in two of this girl's pictures? Yep, my ex.

 

I think the whole thing is just a big coincidence. I don't think this person knows who I am. I don't recognize her at all though. If I had to guess, she appears to be somebody my ex became friends with after we split. We spent almost every single weekend together when we were a couple and I'm confident I met pretty much all of her friends at the time.

 

I'm not going to write this person back obviously, but it is upsetting. I avoid looking at my ex's facebook because I regard that as breaking NC, because you are getting a glimpse of their world. I guess I can deduce that she took down all of our pictures together, because I'm sure this person is fb friends with her and otherwise would recognize me as her ex. But nevertheless, I have gotten a glimpse of my ex's world after me. She appears in two pictures. In one, she and the girl who wrote me are posing together smiling. They appear to be on the outdoor patio of a bar. My ex is wearing a blouse I don't recognize, so I assume this is recent. In the other, they are smiling and posing together, apparently at some sort of outdoor concert on the green where you take lawn chairs and blankets.

 

It brings back all the feelings I've been working on trying to process - the lack of closure, not understanding it, the hurt of losing her, feeling like I have struggled to enjoy my life fully while healing whereas she appears to have moved on to a carefree existence. Who knows what is really going on in her life, almost all of us smile while posing for pictures.

 

I feel like NC was broken and it wasn't my fault.

 

Simarlar thing happened to me but a little different. I made a POF account few months after breakup just to see whats out there again. After a few days on there, I noticed my ex's best friend was on there because it appeared in the 'lives within 50 miles' section.

I immediately deleted my account haha

No way in hell do I want my ex's best friend saying to my ex 'oh btw hes on POF now'...it doesnt look good on my behalf and in no way do I want her to have the opportunity to contact me or see what I'm up too.

 

My advice, delete the account. I wouldnt be suprised if she has told your ex or is planning too.

[bl22]

Im glad this thread is stil being updated. Its good to know people who joined the site around the time I did are stil active on this forum although it is rare these days.

 

Have to say I'm about 90% over it but that is mostly down to sheer hard NC. that 10% isnt going away soon. I stil havent kissed anyone yet, or made myself emotionally available to anyone else despite having mild crushes here and there. Thats the bit what is making me a little anxious the most. The fact I am in no way stil ready to date someone new and it's almost a year later.

 

Plus the fact any new girl I meet who I get on well with, they have a boyfriend. Typical.

 

The 1 thing about my breakup I've learned is happiness does come from within. The breakup has forced me to get back into my hobbies, my goals, my passions. That is 1 thing I am grateful for...do i miss her. Im afraid I do still, I dont think that is going to go away until I meet someone I like as much as I liked her. When that will be, I have no idea...

[GreenPolicy]

Simarlar thing happened to me but a little different. I made a POF account few months after breakup just to see whats out there again. After a few days on there, I noticed my ex's best friend was on there because it appeared in the 'lives within 50 miles' section.

I immediately deleted my account haha

No way in hell do I want my ex's best friend saying to my ex 'oh btw hes on POF now'...it doesnt look good on my behalf and in no way do I want her to have the opportunity to contact me or see what I'm up too.

 

My advice, delete the account. I wouldnt be suprised if she has told your ex or is planning too.

 

My ex and I met through online dating. If anything it tells her I'm moving on. Deleting the acct is letting her continue to control my life.