Still Pining

[1784]

Hey Ajax,

 

Good to hear from you. I hope all is well. It's pretty funny that you should mention your ex's birthday because my ex's birthday is coming up in a few days as well. This will be her first without me. Mine is in September so dealing with hers is first. A few people have asked me if I'm going to contact her and wish her a Happy Birthday, not that they condoned it. I've had no motivation to contact her whatsoever and her birthday will be no different or any other holiday for that matter. I see nothing good that can come from it. And after all we've been through I see "Happy Birthday" as a pretty empty sentiment to give someone. I think I finally have enough distance and time to say that I really hope I never hear from her again. She chose her path and it was one without me. No holiday should ever change that.

 

Just thought I'd throw that out to ya. It sounds like you're doing well. It's good to 'see' you ;-)

 

Be good.

 

-1784

[Billie The Puppet]

My ex's Bday was this past Monday, it came and went like any other day. Last year freshly broken up I gave her 1/3rd of the gifts I had for her as it was one of which wasn't really emotionally invested just a CSI Wii game. This year I didn't even acknowledge it towards her and only seem to awknowledge it now as I read the replies in this thread.

[Ajax]

My ex's Bday was this past Monday, it came and went like any other day. Last year freshly broken up I gave her 1/3rd of the gifts I had for her as it was one of which wasn't really emotionally invested just a CSI Wii game. This year I didn't even acknowledge it towards her and only seem to awknowledge it now as I read the replies in this thread.

 

Yeah, August 2nd turned out to just be a day this year. I was aware that it was her birthday and mentally wished her a happy one.

 

It's coming down to the breakup date though, August 14th. A date which will live in infamy. I'll definitely post on that day, but I also don't think it will have an especially emotional impact on me.

 

The past week I spent volunteering at a summer camp for kids who by and large have various health issues. I've done it every year since 2005 except for last year due to classes. Going there always puts my life into perspective when I realize how inconsequential my problems really are. It was also like going back to a family I only get to see once a year. It actually didn't feel like I'd been gone for two years. The past year seemed to fade from memory while I was there.

 

One night a bunch of the volunteers and staff sat around talking about old exes and I told my story, and it was just that, a story. There was no emotion to it, just a "oh yeah, I had an ex do that too" sort of spiel.

 

I have the wedding to go to in a couple months that she might be at, but even that isn't really making me all that nervous any more. Clearly I still think about her on a daily basis, but it's more of a peripheral thought.

[Ajax]

So there we have it. It has been 365 days since I was dumped. That's it. It's been a year since the most meaningful relationship I've had so far ended. A year of Hell. A year of healing.

 

One year ago today my world fell apart. In the time since, I finished my Masters degree, formed new friendships and deepened existing ones.

 

I took the broken pieces and with the help of friends, family, and people on LoveShack, put myself back together. But the pieces didn't fit back together the same way. I don't look the same way I did a year ago. Recognizable yes, but not the same.

 

I've accepted the breakup even though I'll never really know why it happened in the first place, only speculation. But I also do still care. I'm not indifferent, and I accept that she may always matter to me on some level because I am not an indifferent person.

 

I'm ready for someone else to matter now too though, when they come along. Throughout the last year it's been hard at times to see myself with someone else, but now it's hard to imagine that I'll still be alone in another 365 days. But I honestly have no idea how my life will look a year from now.

[marqueemoon4]

congrats man, you've made it to a milestone and you're a better person for it.

[california15]

You've come a long way Ajax. Be proud of yourself. Your journal is inspiring.

[Ajax]

So I'm having a rough time and need to vent. Here's my situation:

 

I'm unemployed and live with my parents. I just finished grad school in May, and since I didn't have a job lined up I couldn't afford my apartment anymore and moved back home. I've been applying for teaching jobs, but in the current economic situation, they're slim pickings.

 

Yesterday I was heading to a friends birthday celebration when my car died in a parking lot. It had to get towed, and I got a ride to the party with another friend, and then stayed the night with them. My parents came to pick me up.

 

To fix the car will be $2,200. I have no income and cannot afford that. I need a car to get a job though. It's a catch 22. It's embarrassing to borrow money from family.

 

I feel so completely defeated. I'm a 28 year old with no job and no car, living with his parents.

[Ajax]

On a more positive note though...

 

I stayed at the friends house who is my ex's cousin and whose wedding I'm going to be in in October. We were talking about it and I happened to get a glimpse of the guest list. Guess whose name wasn't on it?

 

The ex's

Edited August 17, 2011 by Ajax

[wilsonx]

Well, now you are rock bottom. Literally and figuratively.

 

What are you going to do about it?

 

--------------------------------------------------

I hit rock bottom 4 years ago today. Living in Nashville, TN. I was a pedestrian, hit by a drunk driver at 230am that took off. Woke up in an ambulance. Shattered ankle (both tibia and fibula). Lived in a 3rd floor apartment, no elevators. Lost my job because I could not drive to work or even come down the stairs due to the pain. Lost my insurance because of lost job and no income, had 2 more surgeries on my ankle, had to call my parents in va to come get me so I wouldn't be homeless. Guess what they helped me out. Thats what family is about.

 

Now, I am on my own, have a job, have an apartment, regaining my old friendships back, now realized that my relationship with my ex was completely toxic, working on myself and studies so I can start a new career.

---------------------------------------------------

 

I know you're venting and I've read a lot of your posts, but go be proactive. You have a masters degree right? Have you thought of applying to places other then being a teacher. Have you looked out of state. My roommate got a job here in VA on the simple fact that he has male genitalia and they told him that in his interview

Edited August 17, 2011 by wilsonx

[lymtal1]

So let me join the party. I left my wife of 10 years as I was going through GIGS and started a relationship that I thought was going to be the one. I also left a very good job a house and really a great life. I had a boat-load of great friends and really anything I wanted in life.

 

The relationship lasted 2.5 years as she ended it two months ago. I am not in a good state as my situation is a bit different now. I have no job. I have no money, lost it all in the divorce. I deserved it. I am now sleeping on the floor of my parents home and thank god for them. I walk around in a daze but act like I am ok. I am not. I am trying to pull myself out of this funk but it is hard.

 

I have finally figured out that there is more to life than money, friends, (as they all are gone too), great jobs etc. I can promise you that all that has happened to me has put life in perspective. That is where you need to go. It could be much worse.

 

Try to do everything you can to stay upbeat, positive and just survive. I have good days and bad. I hope yours' move in a positive direction each and every day. You have no choice. There are others of us out there is the message.

[Billie The Puppet]

So I'm having a rough time and need to vent. Here's my situation:

 

I'm unemployed and live with my parents. I just finished grad school in May, and since I didn't have a job lined up I couldn't afford my apartment anymore and moved back home. I've been applying for teaching jobs, but in the current economic situation, they're slim pickings.

 

Yesterday I was heading to a friends birthday celebration when my car died in a parking lot. It had to get towed, and I got a ride to the party with another friend, and then stayed the night with them. My parents came to pick me up.

 

To fix the car will be $2,200. I have no income and cannot afford that. I need a car to get a job though. It's a catch 22. It's embarrassing to borrow money from family.

 

I feel so completely defeated. I'm a 28 year old with no job and no car, living with his parents.

 

 

Well if it helps, I am 26 still living at a parents (Father), don't even have a full license. 3 stages here G1, G2, G. I have a G1 which is the beginning stage which means I can not drive from Midnight-5:00 am I am never allowed to drive without a licensed driver as a passenger. Get this it's my second time seeing as I let it expire before. I don't have a high paying job either in fact I work for/with my father. Being extremely introverted I find myself socially awkward that I can't even do simple tasks like ordering a pizza over the phone without being nervous. I am extremely nervous when it comes to talking to people I don't know be it over the phone or in person etc. That being said makes things like getting further in my graduated license harder because I procrastinate so much due to my nerves I just keep pushing it off. Reason why my license expired the first time. I don't even believe I am that bad of a driver but just feel like I get too nervous to even take the road test. I could have had my full G by 18 had I done it as soon as I turned 16. I do feel not being able to drive hinders a lot and only adds to my social awkwardness. Hell I joined a touch football team and am the only one either waiting for a ride or hitching a ride once the games are over. It's embarrassing seeing as I own a vehicle but can't drive it. Also this vehicle also broke down a few weeks back and I had to spend my paycheck fixing it. It sucked considering I did and don't use it as often as I could.

 

Here is the thing I need to get over this fear/social awkwardness to improve my over all life. If I get even just the G2 allowing me to drive by myself which I believe I am fully capable of doing I can then work for my dad on my own separate service calls rather than working as a team. Working on my own would increase my income and my fathers business which would be handed down to me once he retires. My own service calls though also means I have to get use to talking to people I don't know. Here is the funny thing previously working in retail I had no problem answering phones or serving/talking to customers should they approach me or even asking others. So I don't know where this all came about.

 

I still from time to time think about the ex in fact I've kept something to myself for awhile. My ex's cousin in Florida a few months back insinuated I should call my ex, around the same time my ex friended me on MSN I guess I only deleted and not blocked her on it. I sat on the friends request for 2 weeks and felt I've come along way that I suppose I could. Her MSN status was about second chances. I still made no contact with her. A few weeks ago I did nonchalantly comment on one of her statuses about a concert featuring some of her favorite country music stars and bands being in town and hope she has fun but didn't comment anything related to our previous relationship. She replies with saying she couldn't wait. Going back to my ex's cousin and I talking she kept convo going lightly and extended that I am welcome to visit and that she really wishes my ex and I were still a couple. My ex had just spent the week down in Florida with this cousin and seems like she had just come off a break up with the guy she was with after me. I didn't act on any of this for a few reasons. Now it seems like she may be back with the guy she left me for anyways. See I have grown so much from all this that I know that it wasn't up to me to contact my ex and if she really wanted to work things out it would not have been in a half assed attempt through her cousin. To be quite honest I also don't think after what I went through this would be a band-aid fix. By that I mean I don't believe reconciliation is as simple as picking up the phone and calling saying I made I mistake or I miss you etc can we try again. I am open to communication with my ex no matter what her status is. I don't need to seek LS for advice and to be quite honest don't believe I needed to for a long time now (relationship wise, perhaps I need it to overcome my social awkwardness). What's happened happened and is water under the bridge. Should she want to seek any kind of relationship with me friends or other it is her that is going to have to contact me because I still feel like I have no reason, need or want to contact her. The her I fell in love with is no more and has been no more for some time now.

[YSS]

Ajax

I understand your frustration about your current circumstances. Trust me, this is temporary. When I finished grad school, I too had to move back home, jobs were hard to come by in my field and I recall not having enough money to get a hair cut. It's tough, mostly on the ego (smirk) but Temporary!!!

 

From the outside looking in, your circumstances are normal for anyone tranisitioning from school world to career world. Having your parents help you out is nothing to feel bad about. There will come a time when you will be helping them out, trust me. Perhaps not in the same exact way, but relationships are give and take.

 

Good news about the guest list. No angst that day for you.

[Renard99]

I know how you feel Ajax.

 

I'm beginning to approach your situation and whilst I wouldn't say I'm defeated yet, I am in full retreat. I, like you, am 28 and whilst I have a place and a car, as costs rise and my wages stay the same, the amount of money I have spare is getting smaller and smaller all the time. I'm already in the process of giving up with the car to save costs but even then I still forsee me moving back with my parents by the end of the year.

 

It's holding back the healing, mainly because no matter how far I progress away from the break up (7 months and counting) I still find it hard to be truely happy because other things are not going so well. I'd like nothing more than to surround myself with friends, go bowling, join a gym, start a new hobby... it's all money, regardless how small an amount, I don't have.

 

I know there's light at the end of the tunnel and there are millions world wide in the same position and my family are doing their best to help.... but it doesn't change the fact that it doesn't feel nice!

[Ajax]

So thanks to everyone for responding to my vent. I've been gone for the past few days because I was out camping with my cousins. It was a good time, but now it's back to business (or lack thereof) as usual.

 

 

 

Good news about the guest list. No angst that day for you.

 

I have to admit that part of me was looking forward to seeing her there. I wanted to see if seeing her stirred up any feelings as I thought it would. I also had a part of me that hoped she would come up to me and reestablish some sort of contact, or admit that she regretted how she'd handled things.

 

But a larger part of me is relieved to know she won't be there. And I'll also admit that that part takes some sick gratification in knowing that the reason she won't be there isn't because she chooses not to be, but because she wasn't invited in the first place. And I also know I'll be able to enjoy the wedding more if I don't have to worry about any awkwardness involving her. Her parents will still be there, but I can handle that.

 

I'm beginning to approach your situation and whilst I wouldn't say I'm defeated yet, I am in full retreat. I, like you, am 28 and whilst I have a place and a car, as costs rise and my wages stay the same, the amount of money I have spare is getting smaller and smaller all the time. I'm already in the process of giving up with the car to save costs but even then I still forsee me moving back with my parents by the end of the year.

 

It's holding back the healing, mainly because no matter how far I progress away from the break up (7 months and counting) I still find it hard to be truely happy because other things are not going so well. I'd like nothing more than to surround myself with friends, go bowling, join a gym, start a new hobby... it's all money, regardless how small an amount, I don't have.

 

I know there's light at the end of the tunnel and there are millions world wide in the same position and my family are doing their best to help.... but it doesn't change the fact that it doesn't feel nice!

 

I think we're on the same page. I think it helps the recovery if you are at least self sufficient in the other areas of your life.

 

As for my car situation, my grandpa has graciously agreed to loan me the money for a new one. The guy's loaded and it's really nothing to him, but it still stinks to have to go to someone else and not be able to pull my own weight.

[Ajax]

Well my friend's Bachelor party was this weekend and we went camping for three nights. I had seen the guest list for the wedding a few weeks ago and my ex's name wasn't on it, so I thought I was in the clear. But at the bachelor party I found out that she will in fact be there.

 

The news kind of put me in a foul mood for a couple hours, and now I'm back to feeling anxious about the inevitable confrontation. My main fear is that if she tries to talk to me that I'll say something nasty. I have a feeling she'd come up and be really condescending and act like I was just some long lost acquaintance. And while I think I would be justified in telling her off, I don't want to do it in front of people and have everyone hear it. As long as she stays out of my way I'll stay out of hers. But if she doesn't, all bets are off.

 

But in other news, I pick up my new car tomorrow

[ScienceGal]

If I were you, I would be grateful to be in the wedding party. You'll get there early and have specific things to do. There is no awkward walking in alone and looking around thinking "where am I going to sit, who am I going to talk to...etc". You have a given role and you should stand up there looking happy and confident. She'll be checking you out, for sure!

 

I hope she leaves you alone too. Do your best to act indifferent. She doesn't deserve to see any emotion from you. Good luck!

 

p.s. Congrats on getting a new car!

[1784]

Look Ajax, what I'm about to say is probably going to sound a lot easier than it is to do but I hope you hear me out and take it all in anyway. As we both know this whole journey hasn't been an easy endeavor. So here we go...

 

i don't want you to pin your happiness on what SHE does, what SHE says, how SHE acts, or anything else relating to SHE. I want you to feel confident about YOU. Your happiness does not rely upon her in ANY way any longer. I mean, am I wrong? Is she coming to your house, knocking on your door and making you feel like garbage? No, she isn't. It's YOUR life. I'm not just saying this... you... are... better... off... without ... her. You may not 100% realize this now but you will. YOU WILL! So I don't want you to think about what she may or may not say. What she will or will not do. It's so easy to thin these things. Lord do I know how easy it is. But it's time to face facts. Be logical. She's the one with issues. She is the one who will be MUCH harder pressed in finding happiness. You may not find it tomorrow but I am SURE you will indeed find it. And until it comes in the form of a woman you will find it in everything else you do. You have everything going for you. Concentrate on those things, specifically that you are a wonderful, sensitive, kind, smart, loving human being. I mean, what else is there really? She's the one who f'd up. NOT YOU! So don't worry about what she may or may not do. It's just not your concern anymore. You concentrate on the thing at hand. It's a WEDDING. It's not HER wedding. You make the day what it SHOULD be. You realize that she is there but that she does not have enough of a hold on your to alter the day. That's giving her entirely too much credit. She does not deserve it. In fact, if she's as much of a drama queen as so many of our exes are she may be going just to imagine what her presence will be doing to you. Don't give her the satisfaction. You are fine. You are jolly. You aren't missing ANYTHING without her in your life. And if she should come over to you and 'see how you are' I want you to evoke these EXACT emotions. "Hey, really good to see you. You look well. I'm sorry I don't have time to catch up but I have some responsibilities to tend to. Really great seeing you. BYE!". That's all. You can be cordial. You can be human. But you do not need to be her prey.

 

Get it?!?!

 

Your life is YOURS... not hers. Do not let her take it from you. Be strong. I know you can do it.

 

-1784

[Ajax]

If I were you, I would be grateful to be in the wedding party. You'll get there early and have specific things to do. There is no awkward walking in alone and looking around thinking "where am I going to sit, who am I going to talk to...etc". You have a given role and you should stand up there looking happy and confident. She'll be checking you out, for sure!

 

I hope she leaves you alone too. Do your best to act indifferent. She doesn't deserve to see any emotion from you. Good luck!

 

p.s. Congrats on getting a new car!

 

Thanks ScienceGal. It is a good thing to be in the wedding party. It's almost like having a defensive ring of people around me. That being said though, I realize the day is not about me, and I will be doing everything I can to make sure the day goes as smoothly as possible and that my friends have a memorable wedding day.

 

don't want you to pin your happiness on what SHE does, what SHE says, how SHE acts, or anything else relating to SHE. I want you to feel confident about YOU. Your happiness does not rely upon her in ANY way any longer. I mean, am I wrong? Is she coming to your house, knocking on your door and making you feel like garbage? No, she isn't. It's YOUR life. I'm not just saying this... you... are... better... off... without ... her. You may not 100% realize this now but you will. YOU WILL! So I don't want you to think about what she may or may not say. What she will or will not do. It's so easy to thin these things. Lord do I know how easy it is. But it's time to face facts. Be logical. She's the one with issues. She is the one who will be MUCH harder pressed in finding happiness.

 

1784, your response makes perfect sense to me. In fact I can see myself saying the same things to someone else in my position. The attitude you present is something I'll be trying to foster in the next few weeks.

 

 

And if she should come over to you and 'see how you are' I want you to evoke these EXACT emotions. "Hey, really good to see you. You look well. I'm sorry I don't have time to catch up but I have some responsibilities to tend to. Really great seeing you. BYE!". That's all. You can be cordial. You can be human. But you do not need to be her prey.

 

This!

[YSS]

I believe 1784 said it well. Easier said than done, but very truthful.

 

Let's hope that all the angst building is much ado about nothing. You have made a lot of progress and have come to see colleen in the right light. It does not take away that you cared deeply for her. I am hoping when you see her you will feel complete indifference. When that happens, you will exhale deeply and really enjoynthe night. Like 1784 said, it's no longer about her and she did mess up a good thing.

 

From what I know, weddings are the perfect time to meet other young people around your Age.

 

Enjoy the new car.

[Ajax]

Alright guys, with a week to go before this upcoming wedding in which I will likely see my ex, I figured it was time for an update.

 

For those of you who have been following the proceedings the past few months, I went on a wine tour a couple months ago and brought a friend (not my ex) with me who I'd been thinking of asking to go to the wedding with me as my +1. I was upset because another guy on the wine tour who I had never met was putting the moves on her and asked me if he could invite her to the wedding as his guest.

 

Well he never followed through, and she's coming with me. Great for me, right? Well I sure think so! But lets face the truth. Despite my statements to the contrary, I'm into the girl and always have been. Six years ago I made a move and she shot me down, so I gave up any hope that we'd ever be anything other than great friends. Which we have been.

 

But after asking her to be my guest to this wedding, I've sensed a certain change in our dynamic. She's become increasingly flirtatious and physical with me. And I'm eating it up with a spoon. But I could be misreading her.

 

I'm considering making a move next weekend. Not necessarily at the wedding, but possibly after. But I just don't know what her reaction will be. That's the big issue. But there is another.

 

There of course will be the "Ex-Factor." The ex who drove me to find LoveShack over a year ago. She will be there. While before I was afraid seeing her might bring up old feelings and create awkwardness, now I'm more afraid that she'l,l intentionally or not, sabotage a potential new relationship.

 

Really, I'm baffled that it's come to this.

[Surfer Girl]

It has been a year... you have every right to bring a girl to the wedding...Perhaps you are having second thoughts on what your ex will do... or perhaps she needs to see you have moved on... Will it make you feel uncofortable to see your ex when you are with somone? It is a first most likely for her to see you with someone else and may make things somewhat akward.... yet life moves on... Will you be ok? It is a big step.... yet she needs to know after a year that you do have a life without her...

[Ajax]

It has been a year... you have every right to bring a girl to the wedding...Perhaps you are having second thoughts on what your ex will do... or perhaps she needs to see you have moved on... Will it make you feel uncofortable to see your ex when you are with somone? It is a first most likely for her to see you with someone else and may make things somewhat akward.... yet life moves on... Will you be ok? It is a big step.... yet she needs to know after a year that you do have a life without her...

 

Surprisingly, I couldn't care less what my ex will think. What I do care about is how the friend I'm bringing feels.

 

I'm actually more concerned about whether or not I should initiate something with my "friend," and if so, how.

[1784]

Hey Ajax,

 

Obviously I have been following your thread for quite some time now and like a dutiful LS confidant I will give you my own thoughts. And...awaaaaaay... we... GO!

 

The biggest thing that I took away from your post was that you need to NOT plan a "move". I feel like in situations like these, going with your gut is the best strategy. Here's why... let's say you psych yourself up for a MOVE. Then things don't go the way you intended them to go. You may feel inclined NOT to make a move just based on preconceived notions about how it was SUPPOSED to go. That would be the equivalent of you punching yourself in the face. Don't do that. Plus, women can sense that kind of anticipation. It'll make it awkward and forced. It'll make it less special and spontaneous. The longer the night goes on the more pressure will be on "the moment". Don't do this. Seriously.

 

Here's what you do... just feel it out for what it is. If you feel like things are going well, like you want to kiss this girl because it really feels like you want to, like the moment is right, like how could you not, then do it. But if you get the sense that the mood is all wrong and that it may not be the best idea then don't do it. That's all. Don't feel like YOU are blowing anything at all. YOU are in the driver's seat. Always. You always are. People just tell themselves that they aren't. You are in YOUR driver's seat because it's YOUR life. She is in her own driver's seat. You can only control what you do and she can only do the same.

 

So basically, see what happens. Going with what you feel in these type of situations is always the best course of action (or inaction).

 

As for your ex, I know that it'll be on your mind. Of course it will. But don't give her that type of power over you. She is the past. You have to consciously tell yourself that. Don't give her any kind of influence over your night before it's even begun. You're thinking about it already. "What could SHE do to sabotage my evening?". She most likely won't. No self fulfilling prophecies here, okay? Just take this night and enjoy it. Take whatever comes and make the best of it. It's all you can do. You can't control your ex but you can control yourself and your thoughts. It just takes a little discipline.

 

Yes, I realize that what I say is easier for me to write than it is to do; but that doesn't make it any less true. No one ever said it was gonna be easy. Just do your best. Always do your best in whatever situation you're in and you'll never have any regrets. Basically, though, SCREW your ex (not literally) and whatever she brings to the wedding with her. This is your life, my friend. YOURS! Make it good. I know you will.

 

Cheers. Have a great time and be sure to let us know how it all pans out.

 

-1784

[Surfer Girl]

If you care less about the ex...then let your friend or lover know.... as long as you are honest about the situation... go and have a good time... there will be times when we run into the ex...and those times are when you suck it up and say hey... there may be times I am with someone else as well as her being with someone else and we all need to accept the reality.... Be there for your friends wedding. Avoid her and all will be well....Be honest with the one you are going with and let her know.. The firsts after seeing someone after a period of time may arouse feelings or not... You have come a long way... and it always the first step to letting them know you have moved on.... and accept it for what it is...

[goldengirl11]

I admit that I have also been 'pining recently.' My ex (or the man I was dating who was a former colleague of mine who I thought knew well) has literally disappeared for 3 weeks now and it would appear that he hasn't picked up my e-card which I sent him last weekend, so am guessing he may be away (I recall before he went away not that long ago but for less than a week). I fear he has got back with his ex in the past month or 6 weeks - the one he started dating when we still were, although unfortunately hadn't seen him for a few weeks (when we were still dating), which think had contributed to it fizzling out between us. Not to mention the last time (or first time with him) that I had sex with him, it was pretty disappointing as I wasn't that relaxed. He has had a tendency to make random e-mail contact (don't text anymore since I deleted his no which I miss earlier in the year when he upset me) but it could be anywhen really, but not this long I don't think, apart from when he entered another relationship earlier in the year which was v hurt by. I have had mixed signals from him and have sent him a few (or possibly more) e-mails in the last 3 weeks approx, which he may not have bothered to reply to I don't know, but this e-card situation is puzzling me. I wrote him an e-mail earlier with some thoughts I've had lately (again) why things had failed between us and thought things might be easier now he's left uni (day course he was on for a yr), but not much has changed unfortunately. Just drafted e-mail though and am trying to hold on and see if he contacts me. He's actually tearing me apart, after having a 2nd nite when I have thrown chairs etc across my flat, to later wonder what the hell is wrong with me - and what a mess! I have also started self harming again on my arms and am getting bad bruises again. I am seeing my counsellor again on Tues (he has been away for a couple of weeks), but don't think he knows things have got this bad. Thanks for listening.

Edited October 1, 2011 by goldengirl11
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