Still Pining

[1784]

I don't think my ex was afraid of commitment but I am starting to see a pattern here. We have the types of personalities where we are willing to make up for our significant others' shortcomings. Fill in the cracks (no easy jokes here- lol). I don't think we always do this on purpose. I know I didn't. I realize now that it was me, projecting what I wanted her to be, onto her. She wasn't the most obviously "nice" person in the world. In fact, she came off like a bitch a lot of the time. I think part of me wanted to, I dunno, protect her. Hell, I probably wanted to protect ME. My image. So that people didn't think my gf was a bitch. The thing is, that's who she is. Who she chooses to be and that is not my job to "fix". The thing is, when I think about it, I put a lot of effort and endured a lot of stress because of these holes that I had to plug. Of course she didn't know or appreciate these things. But how could she? Why would she? She was just being herself. And who knows, maybe she was even trying to do the same thing with me. Trying to buy me clothes that she liked me better in. Trying to steer me towards a job that would better fit her image of what she wants in a partner.

 

What does this all mean? It means that when the fit isn't right both parties are going to put a whole hell of a lot of time and effort into trying to make the other person into what they wanted but never got; even if they love that other person. Compatibility is underrated in regards to "love". It means so much. Sometimes when things aren't right they just aren't right and can not be fixed. Yes, even when you love the other person. Just because you love someone does not mean that you should marry them. It's a hard lesson learned, believe me. And it doesn't make it any easier to let them go. But it does give some insight as to why things sometimes just don't work and aren't meant to be.

 

Acceptance is everything. If you don't accept what's right in front of you then you're destined for hardship.

[YSS]

So after reading a good chunk of this book,I'm seeing some things in a new light. She was/is commitment-phobic. And I think deep down I realized that and that it influenced my behavior during he relatioship as well.

 

I remember on a few occasions when I was spending the night at her place, I would wake up and she wasn't there. I'd wait a while, like an hour, and go look to make sure she was alright. Usally I'd find her on the couch saying she didn't feel right.

 

I always knew she was independent and tried my best to give her space. Bu I'm starting to see that no amount of space would have been enough. Being with me (or most likely anyone) litterally made her sick. She had to get away.

 

Ajax - I am so glad that the book is helping you to obtain some new insights and provide some healing for you. God willing it will free you with peace to move forward.

 

While I found the book insightful, I am still a firm believer that my EX is not commitment phobic, rather I truly believe his fears and own self esteem issues, in that once he had me, the relationship was starting to germinate into something real his panic and fear of being hurt again caused him to run. I can see that clearly but lately knowing that he deliberately put himself back out on the dating scene and is with someone new has caused me a huge blackslide. To say, its been one meltdown after another is an understatement. Despite all my "thinking" i cannot help but feel I was just infatuation and lust to him, cause truly, if he meant all he said, then he would of returned. At the core of who he is, while his actions were reckless in how he ended our relationship and the pain he caused me and disappearing like houdini, he is not a cruel person (i can see the irony in that sentence). Perfect - far from it.

 

These days, I just want a labotomy. I truly feel stuck and like this is never going to pass. Trust me, I am equally frustrated with myself where I know he is not giving two hoots about me, rather having a new spring in his step and hope for his tomorrows....and here I am completely stuck in what may appear like nothing more than self pity. Arghhhhhhhhh its been almost a year. WTF is wrong with me!!!

[Ajax]

Ajax - I am so glad that the book is helping you to obtain some new insights and provide some healing for you. God willing it will free you with peace to move forward.

 

While I found the book insightful, I am still a firm believer that my EX is not commitment phobic, rather I truly believe his fears and own self esteem issues, in that once he had me, the relationship was starting to germinate into something real his panic and fear of being hurt again caused him to run. I can see that clearly but lately knowing that he deliberately put himself back out on the dating scene and is with someone new has caused me a huge blackslide. To say, its been one meltdown after another is an understatement. Despite all my "thinking" i cannot help but feel I was just infatuation and lust to him, cause truly, if he meant all he said, then he would of returned. At the core of who he is, while his actions were reckless in how he ended our relationship and the pain he caused me and disappearing like houdini, he is not a cruel person (i can see the irony in that sentence). Perfect - far from it.

 

These days, I just want a labotomy. I truly feel stuck and like this is never going to pass. Trust me, I am equally frustrated with myself where I know he is not giving two hoots about me, rather having a new spring in his step and hope for his tomorrows....and here I am completely stuck in what may appear like nothing more than self pity. Arghhhhhhhhh its been almost a year. WTF is wrong with me!!!

 

I can understand how you feel when you think of him moving on with someone else rather than coming back to you. Despite the insight I've gleened, it irks me too. When my ex left she said she couldn't be in a relationship. I specifically told her that I was afraid that when she WAS able to be in one, that she would move on with someone else. And that's what happened.

 

If there had been something inherantly wrong with our relationship I'd understand. But we got along great. Didn't fight, had common goals, had passion, were accepted by each other's families. But ultimately I wasn't worth coming back to.

 

But in my case the whole "commitment-phobia" seems to actually fit the bill. I knew she was going through anxiety at the time, and now the pieces just fall together. Doesn't make me want her less, but gives me a little more closure. Ain't nobody gonna make this girl happy in a relationship.

 

As for your ex... maybe that fear of abandonment is a form of commitment-phobia. It would make sense to me. You may never know what was going on in his head, but he clearly had a problem that he wasn't willing to confront while he was with you, and probably hasn't with his new flame either.

[YSS]

I can understand how you feel when you think of him moving on with someone else rather than coming back to you. Despite the insight I've gleened, it irks me too. When my ex left she said she couldn't be in a relationship. I specifically told her that I was afraid that when she WAS able to be in one, that she would move on with someone else. And that's what happened.

 

If there had been something inherantly wrong with our relationship I'd understand. But we got along great. Didn't fight, had common goals, had passion, were accepted by each other's families. But ultimately I wasn't worth coming back to.

 

But in my case the whole "commitment-phobia" seems to actually fit the bill. I knew she was going through anxiety at the time, and now the pieces just fall together. Doesn't make me want her less, but gives me a little more closure. Ain't nobody gonna make this girl happy in a relationship.

 

As for your ex... maybe that fear of abandonment is a form of commitment-phobia. It would make sense to me. You may never know what was going on in his head, but he clearly had a problem that he wasn't willing to confront while he was with you, and probably hasn't with his new flame either.

 

Holy smokes, we had the same parallel conversations that you had with Colleen and he repeatedly said our relationship was not the issue nor our dynamic.

 

You are correct that he does suffer from abadonment due to his past and to be fair, he did have an EX that was not nice at all to him. I just don't know anymore, maybe its just easier to forge forward with someone new, nothing to amend to, fresh start etc. Ultimately, they are not meant for us nor we for them, cause love should not play out like this.

 

I suspect he is in a better head space with his new love - that I do not doubt.

[pandagirl]

What does this all mean? It means that when the fit isn't right both parties are going to put a whole hell of a lot of time and effort into trying to make the other person into what they wanted but never got; even if they love that other person. Compatibility is underrated in regards to "love". It means so much. Sometimes when things aren't right they just aren't right and can not be fixed. Yes, even when you love the other person. Just because you love someone does not mean that you should marry them. It's a hard lesson learned, believe me. And it doesn't make it any easier to let them go. But it does give some insight as to why things sometimes just don't work and aren't meant to be.

 

Acceptance is everything. If you don't accept what's right in front of you then you're destined for hardship.

 

This, right here, is something we all tend to forget in the midst of love, emotions and heartbreak. A life-long relationship is very much about compatibility. It's about being able to be together. Just because you are in love with someone, it isn't the magic cure for making differences go away. Love only gets you so far. Relationships are complicated, and it takes a lot more than love to get through one.

 

I think this is what has helped me accept my breakup. We loved each other a lot, but I realize we weren't compatible in a lot of ways.

[1784]

Like I said above, it really is a hard lesson learned. We tend to project our own ideas about love onto the other person, particularly when we aren't seeing what we want. Sometimes when we see red flags, instead of stopping to notice them and analyze them, we skip over them and fill those voids in with our own projections of what they should look like. This is when you know you're headed down the wrong path with someone. While I do know I loved my ex I am quite sure our ideas about love were dissimilar.

 

Compatibility is so much. You can't ONLY have compatibility because then you're just friends. You do need that passion. Attraction. Friendship. Common interests. Etc. Everything that makes up your personal definition of love. I think that this is something that is rarely explored in full with a partner. It's easy to say "We have the same goals" or "We both want kids" or "We f*** like bunny rabbits". But when push comes to shove (usually in times of adversity) if you both do not have the same idea of what it means to love someone then you'll never make it. This stuff is nurtured all throughout your life, from parenting, the media, etc. Some people are willing to sacrifice a TON for their partner. Others very little. Some people are very empathetic and others not so much. These are all key elements of compatible love and I can not stress its importance enough.

 

Like I said, I learned the hard way. I loved my ex very much. There was a LOT of passion. We were good friends. But our ideas about love were not a match and I realized this throughout the 3+ years that we dated. Should have I noticed sooner? Yes. I should have. I chose to ignore it. My bad.

[J0N]

Wow, 1784 I read your post 3 times. I have been following this thread since October and I feel like you guys are about one step ahead of me. Ajax I'm sorry to hear your ex is seeing someone new I had a dream last night about my ex seeing someone else and it really killed me.

[Ajax]

Today's my 28th Burthday. I'm 28 on the 28th. Yay me, right?

 

I had a cloud over my head most of the day so far. I know I won't hear from Colleen, but I just can't shake the thoughts of all I did for her on her birthday. Flowers at work, Presents, baked her a cake. At the time I just wanted her to know how much she meant to me.

 

I doubt she's given my B-day a thought. I've actually had previous girlfriends send me B-day wishes today and I was quite touched. But not the one who mattered most.

 

Now though it's feeding my feelings of contempt for her. There are people who care about me (including other exes) who deserve more attention.

 

I'm about 3/4 of the way through "He's Scared, She's Scared" and still seeing patterns that she fit into. I'm also seeing patterns that I fit into. There have been too many times that I've put myself in no win situations and then have been hurt when things went south.

 

I'm making this a rebuilding year.

[1784]

Firstly, Ajax, HAPPY F'N BIRFDAY! : )

 

Secondly, don't kid yourself. I'd bet every dollar I have that she remembers your birthday. This doesn't mean she's going to send you birthday wishes, though. Sometimes we assume the worst because of the situation we're in. A lot of times it's not what we think. She may think it better not to contact you for YOUR sake, believe it or not. She may want you to be happy on your birthday, not want to conjure up memories of your breakup, etc. This actually may be a gift in disguise. Don't make this worse for yourself by imagining things that you simply don't know are true. I remember PLENTY of my exes birthdays and I don't ever send them birthday wishes - out of pure respect. If we were on friendly terms I would certainly send them birthday wishes; but if we aren't on those terms then I certainly have enough respect for them to leave them alone.

 

Don 't be mad at her. She's no longer a part of your life. Try to enjoy your birthday, my friend. After all, they only come around once a year and you never know how many you're gonna get.

 

This is tough love, but... you're doing this to yourself. She's a ghost. If you choose to let her ruin your present then she will (YOU will). If you leave the past in the past and live in the now then you will see that anything is possible - especially good times and ESPECIALLY on your birthday.

 

Happy birthday, my man. Stay strong and stay in the present.

[IfiKnewThen]

1784 you give some really solid advise here and make a lot of sense

[1784]

Thanks a lot IfiKnewThen. I try. I figure I take so much away from this place that I should give back as much as I can. You all do the same for me. That's the beauty of it all.

[YSS]

Happy bday to you

Happy b-day to you

Happy champagne birthday Ajax

Happy b-day to you. :bunny:

 

I know it's tough to miss Colleen any day, but more so on your special day. Poster 1784 may be correct that she knows it's your b-day or maybe not. You need to focus on what you have always known and said to be true .....you always acted with dignity and respect throughout your relish. I am certain its who you are, past EXs do not send along b-day wishes if you were a jack$$.

 

I suspect we all know your b-day wish for today but here is my wish for you in the year ahead To find a love that captures your heart and mind. To find a love that gives you comfort on difficult days, a love who smothers you with hugs when spirits sag, a love that is grateful for you every day, a love that speaks her truth, a love that shows you courage during difficult times, a loves that sees your beauty inside and out, a love that knows Ajax you are the man!!! A love that includes "you" who can also see all this awesomeness in yourself.

 

Here is to you Ajax -- cheers!

[IfiKnewThen]

happy birthday. make it the birthday of new beginnings ...one day at a time

[Ajax]

Thanks for the B-Day wishes guys. I ended up hearing from everyone that really matters. Some of my friends took me out to dinner. It was nice. Nothing from Colleen, but like I said, I heard from everyone who really matters.

 

I finished "He's Scared, She's Scared," and I think I came away from it a little wiser. I'll be going into any future relationships more cautiously and hopefully will see any red flags before I get too attached.

[broken-and-lost]

bit late but happy B-day m8, 28 your a baby trust me you got lots of time to meet the right girl yet

[Fufu]

Happy Belated Birthday ^_^

[Ajax]

Been feeling a bit nostalgic lately. I keep thinking back to the fun and romantic things were were doing a year ago. My graduation is coming up in about a month, and I keep thinking about how I went to hers a year ago and how back then I thought she'd be at mine this year. Oh how plans change.

 

I think though that more than anything, I miss having a connection like what (I thought) we had. I tried dating a while back but it didn't work out, and now I can honestly say I can't see myself with anyone for the foreseeable future. But there's still that emptyness in my heart left by her that I've been trying to fill, either from school work, or family, or friends... that just won't seem to dissapear.

 

When I say that I can't see myself with anyone, I include her now though. Yeah, I miss her. Yeah, I think about her way too often. Yes, I'd love it if she reached out to me. But I can't imagine myself ever really being secure in relationship with her again. I think I've finally reacheda tipping point where the memory of the pain outweighs the memories of the happiness.

 

I heard the song "Jar of Hearts" by Christina Perri and it touched a nerve. It's a hauntingly beautiful song, and not typically my type of music, but I think it's very relatable for us dumpees. Like she says in the song, I have grown too strong to ever fall back in her arms. But that doesn't mean she doesn't still have power in my life... even if she hasn't been a part of it for eight months.

[is2008]

Ajax,

 

I know exactly the feeling you're describing. You're stuck in a void, you don't know where to go from here. You can't really see a future with Colleen, but you're not ready to be with anyone else either.

 

Why don't you put the feelers out on dating? Take it slowly. Dip your toe in the water because whilst it'll be uncomfortable at first, and a few dates may go horribly, you will adjust. It's going to be scary I know... I'm feeling the same but once you do find someone you click with and have a lot in common with, it'll become natural.

 

Best wishes.

[Ajax]

Ajax,

 

I know exactly the feeling you're describing. You're stuck in a void, you don't know where to go from here. You can't really see a future with Colleen, but you're not ready to be with anyone else either.

 

Why don't you put the feelers out on dating? Take it slowly. Dip your toe in the water because whilst it'll be uncomfortable at first, and a few dates may go horribly, you will adjust. It's going to be scary I know... I'm feeling the same but once you do find someone you click with and have a lot in common with, it'll become natural.

 

Best wishes.

 

I don't know if dating really is the answer. I tried that for a while, went on a few. Nobody reallt piqued my interest. Apparantly I'm pretty picky. I know what I want, and Colleen was that for the time we were together.

 

I think dating for it's own sake won't fill that void. I think before I can be happy dating anyone, I need to find someone specifically that I want to persue. And honestly the thought of starting over new with someone else doesn't really appeal to me at the moment.

 

But as you noted before, I also don't see a future with my ex anymore. Clearly I still think about her, and miss the good times, but that relationship ended and any fantasies of reconciling are just that, fantasies. And the knowledge that she's been with someone else now would be pretty repulsive to me ifshe ever did try to come back.

 

No, I'm moving on. It's just the little memories that creep in so often that tug at the ol' heartstrings.

[GreenPolicy]

I don't know if dating really is the answer. I tried that for a while, went on a few. Nobody reallt piqued my interest. Apparantly I'm pretty picky. I know what I want, and Colleen was that for the time we were together.

 

I think dating for it's own sake won't fill that void. I think before I can be happy dating anyone, I need to find someone specifically that I want to persue. And honestly the thought of starting over new with someone else doesn't really appeal to me at the moment.

 

But as you noted before, I also don't see a future with my ex anymore. Clearly I still think about her, and miss the good times, but that relationship ended and any fantasies of reconciling are just that, fantasies. And the knowledge that she's been with someone else now would be pretty repulsive to me ifshe ever did try to come back.

 

No, I'm moving on. It's just the little memories that creep in so often that tug at the ol' heartstrings.

 

We have to push ourselves to move on. I think what is most distasteful about the dating scene is that you have to wade through a lot of chaff to find the wheat. It's easy to get discouraged because you meet far more chaff than wheat. But you're never going to have what you had with Colleen with somebody else unless you get out there and try.

 

I recently met this girl, went out on four dates, we even had sex a few times...and then I got the silent treatment and she totally blew me off. And I find that I'm not that upset or mad about it. If there's one gift that my b/u with the ex gave me, is that I have much tougher skin now. If this had happened before the ex, it would be eating me alive right now. I'm not excusing this girl's behavior or letting her off the hook, but it doesn't bother me like it would have before my ex.

 

Time to a large degree will heal a broken heart, but it won't complete the job. And our motivation to get ourselves together and clean ourselves up is so that when that special girl appears in our lives, we'll be ready for her instead of still being drowned in baggage.

[Steven T]

No, I'm moving on. It's just the little memories that creep in so often that tug at the ol' heartstrings.

 

Yup. Some days I am OK then suddenly I can get really low and began to think about my ex when I least expect it.

 

Gotta be strong mate, cant give in to being sad. When I begin to think about her again I try distract myself asap but yeah it is hard. Over time you will get better. I used to wake up in the morning and lay in bed for 15 minutes really thinking about her. Lately I lay there for about 5 minutes and my thoughts arnt so sad, so I am making progress. Acceptance is important for you to move on.

 

It's so easy to fall in love yet so hard to fall out.

[YSS]

Ajax

I commend your insightful post. While you are not ready to date, your growth is in the realization in your soul that you would not want a future with colleen. This is huge, for you are no longer trying to convince yourself of the reality but rather your heart is starting to catch up to your head. You are truly healing my friend. Our hearts are the last to let go despite what the facts, reality and rationale brain tells us. After all, love is anything but rationale. What I read is that the heart is aligning with your mind. You still miss her, you know you love her but you also know in your soul you are not right for one another. That my friend is the healing we all aspire to you cause it will free you to truly move on and in time, feel ready to date.

Big step ajax ....happy for you and a bit envious, wish I was there.

[Ajax]

Ajax

I commend your insightful post. While you are not ready to date, your growth is in the realization in your soul that you would not want a future with colleen. This is huge, for you are no longer trying to convince yourself of the reality but rather your heart is starting to catch up to your head. You are truly healing my friend. Our hearts are the last to let go despite what the facts, reality and rationale brain tells us. After all, love is anything but rationale. What I read is that the heart is aligning with your mind. You still miss her, you know you love her but you also know in your soul you are not right for one another. That my friend is the healing we all aspire to you cause it will free you to truly move on and in time, feel ready to date.

Big step ajax ....happy for you and a bit envious, wish I was there.

 

 

Always good to get your input YSS. I think if I take a step back and look at the big picture, you're right, I am healing. But you've also said healing isn't a straight line, and some days I really feel down about it.

 

I do have lot of times when I get extremely nostalgic. Those good memories are still quite powerful. And when I think of the lost plans we had I do get sad. I do miss her and love her, but am accepting that she wasn't right for me.

 

And I also see my growth in the past eight months. I'm almost done with my student teaching and have developed relationships with students and teachers that I hope will outlast my time in school. I'm on my way to becomeing a good teacher, and my ex was not here during that development. She wasn't a good partner. She has no stake in my success anymore. She didn't invest in me like I invested in her.

 

In the event that she ever reached out, I would of course be tempted to at least talk to her. But I think I'd have a difficult time taking her seriously. I'm not sure we ever really knew each other, but even if we did, we certainly don't anymore. She'd have a lot to atone for. I doubt she'd have it in her.

 

I've also got bigger fish to fry. When I'm done student teaching in two weeks, I have to finish up my capstone project. That might take me a month or so. Then have to worry about finding a job, and prospects for teachers are pretty sad right now. I'll be moving home to my parents once my lease is up, and I don't know where I'll be a year from now.

 

Should she attempt a return, I'm don't think I'm in a position personally to even bother. I simply don't have room in my life to fit her anymore. Had she stayed it would be a different story... she'd always have had a place. But now if she returned, knowing that the chances would be pretty good that she'd cut and run again, it just wouldn't be worth it to try.

[Steven T]

I do have lot of times when I get extremely nostalgic. Those good memories are still quite powerful. And when I think of the lost plans we had I do get sad. I do miss her and love her, but am accepting that she wasn't right for me.

 

Same here mate I split with my ex few weeks ago. I get good days then those feelings creep up, but when they do I began to laugh at myself, fighting with my own thoughts and feelings.

 

It's like theres a devil on my shoulder whispering into my ear about the good times and memories I had with my ex. I just try to ignore the devil and pretend hes not there. You have to try let it blow over your head because I dont plan on thinking about her in 3 months time as lifes too short.

 

Stay strong. Keep smiling. Accept.

[1784]

No one said you weren't allowed to miss her and the good times you had, Ajax. That's what makes you a human being (or a Greek hero in this case). But what shows you that you are moving on is that you've made a definitive decision. You've set boundaries. You're living your life, for yourself. And that's the only person you're required to worry about.

 

You said in your last post "it just wouldn't be worth it to try". Hey, man, do you think you would have said that several months ago? Good for you! So never fret about some days being harder than others and feeling down here and there. There's stuff in my life, if I sit and think about it, that I feel down about from time to time. And you know what? Those things have nothing to do with exes. They're just life experiences. It happens. That's life. Sometimes because we categorize things as "LOVE" we seem to give then more importance than they deserve. Colleen is just another life experience that you lived through and are still learning from. And it's okay to miss her.

 

You are doing great. Don't be so hard on yourself, okay? Be well.