Still Pining

[Billie The Puppet]

This morning I had breakfast with my friend (my ex's cousin) and his family. They said none of them know what's going on with my ex, and neither do her own parents. My friend said he talked to my ex's mom the night before and said that she's still mad about the breakup. His exact quote was , "most of the family is generally unhappy with the situation." To which I replied that I'm also still generally unhappy with the situation.

 

Looking back on things after almost two months I can see how she has set up these parallel lives with parallel relationships, and she drifts in and out of them depending on how the mood strikes her. I ignored it at the time.

 

I guess it's her way.

 

What her family tells you is a feelgood like moment is it not. However are they really going to tell you something that would give the opposite fact?

 

Family approval also gives you hope does it not.

 

I have done nothing wrong to my ex's family so there is no reason for them to hate or not like me etc. They actually hope things all come together wether that means I am with my ex or not. Things is they will fade in time too.

 

My ex's family all love and approved of me and they all have told me they feel bad for what has happened. I know my ex has every right to fall out of love with me and move on. I don't like that outcome but it's is what it is. My ex's father tried to call me last week to touch base but I missed it.

 

Her family approval even gives me hope, they were not too keen on my ex's first ex.

 

This is a break up not a break even though I have had both this is more finalized. I think its a huge flag if a break is needed and everyone should see a break for what it really is and that is a break up.

 

The break was easily reconciled in was kind of like she was hoping I'd be the dumper to get the guilt of her but we ended up back together and this was through limited contact on the break.

[Sonolumino]

Did we date twin sisters?

 

 

Haha probably. It just really messed me up because she played her part flawlessly, right until I didn't fulfill that need anymore. I wish I meant something to her, like she meant something to me. Throughout all of this though I have learned a few things. I finally understand why people who are depressed commit suicide for one.

[Ajax]

What her family tells you is a feelgood like moment is it not. However are they really going to tell you something that would give the opposite fact?

 

Family approval also gives you hope does it not.

 

I have done nothing wrong to my ex's family so there is no reason for them to hate or not like me etc. They actually hope things all come together wether that means I am with my ex or not. Things is they will fade in time too.

 

My ex's family all love and approved of me and they all have told me they feel bad for what has happened. I know my ex has every right to fall out of love with me and move on. I don't like that outcome but it's is what it is. My ex's father tried to call me last week to touch base but I missed it.

 

Her family approval even gives me hope, they were not too keen on my ex's first ex.

 

 

While I'm glad her family holds me in such high esteem, it's a poor substitute for her. Yes, it gives me a slight glimmer of hope, but just a glimmer. She's always rebelled against her family anyway, so their approval doesn't necessarily help my case in her book. I was friends with this side of her family for years before we got together though, so I don't see them fading away.

 

I don't see her ever contacting me now anyway. Even if she were to change her mind, I think her pride would keep her from ever admiting to making a mistake. At this point about the best I can hope for is that she'll come to understand how destructive she is to the people who care about her. My therapist said that that's typical of the depression. She doesn't realize that she doesn't live in a vaccuum and that what she does or doesn't do affects people.

 

 

Haha probably. It just really messed me up because she played her part flawlessly, right until I didn't fulfill that need anymore. I wish I meant something to her, like she meant something to me.

 

 

I feel the same way. My ex set me up for the fall so perfectly by saying how happy she was with me right up until the end. She led me up as high as she could and then pushed me off the cliff. Maybe i should have, but at the time I never saw it coming.

 

 

Throughout all of this though I have learned a few things. I finally understand why people who are depressed commit suicide for one.

 

I hope you're not talking about yourself. Like my ex, you don't live in a vaccuum. People care about you. And life ain't all bad. Without my ex I also feel depressed and lonelier than I ever have in my life. But I'm trying to enjoy the little things like a great bacon cheeseburger (that burger I had last night was killer!), or a quality beer, and growing a manly beard that she would have hated. Little things man, little things.

Edited October 10, 2010 by Ajax

[Sonolumino]

I hope you're not talking about yourself. Like my ex, you don't live in a vaccuum. People care about you. And life ain't all bad. Without my ex I also feel depressed and lonelier than I ever have in my life. But I'm trying to enjoy the little things like a great bacon cheeseburger (that burger I had last night was killer!), or a quality beer, and growing a manly beard that she would have hated. Little things man, little things.

 

No, I have never been suicidal, or would I ever do it. But, I do understand how someone could be pushed it to it. More like my eyes were opened to why people do it. I am depressed, numb, etc., but I know it will get better. This is just one more thing I have to go through to become a better person. That outlook is giving me comfort.

 

I too, have been trying to enjoy more of the little things. I'm going to start taking a boxing class, maybe see more movies, we'll see how things go. Right now I'm just floating, seeing where life takes me.

[durkadurka]

Holy ****, you guys need to ****ing get over this stuff.

 

You carry this stuff on your guys back like 100 pound weights, and you guys won't drop them.

 

Look, we've all been there. For whatever reason, it didn't work out. My ex is doing exactly the same **** as yours, I saw a picture of her wearing out a dress I bought her for her graduation, and the pearl bracelet I bought her.

 

Great, the only thing that makes her is a classless insensitive b*tch.

 

You know what guys, you gotta stop acting like victims. Because all they will do is look at how you're handled this and be like 'wow, I'm happy I jumped off that burning ship!'.

 

Do yourselves a favour, live life to it's fullest, or at least try. If she comes to regret it, then that's her fault.

 

But stop dragging this stuff with you.

[Billie The Puppet]

Holy ****, you guys need to ****ing get over this stuff.

 

You carry this stuff on your guys back like 100 pound weights, and you guys won't drop them.

 

Look, we've all been there. For whatever reason, it didn't work out. My ex is doing exactly the same **** as yours, I saw a picture of her wearing out a dress I bought her for her graduation, and the pearl bracelet I bought her.

 

Great, the only thing that makes her is a classless insensitive b*tch.

 

You know what guys, you gotta stop acting like victims. Because all they will do is look at how you're handled this and be like 'wow, I'm happy I jumped off that burning ship!'.

 

Do yourselves a favour, live life to it's fullest, or at least try. If she comes to regret it, then that's her fault.

 

But stop dragging this stuff with you.

 

Of course I am not going to take all my gifts back etc and of course she is going to wear the stuff. Like I said I don't think the ex wire the necklace intentionally and if it were a normal ring or a normal pendant Necklace I gave her it would not be as bothersome as a key to my heart necklace but it actually put a smile on my face. I admit I am getting weak lately but I'm sticking to NC and moving on (yes I'm still pining but the ex doesn't know this) However I think I'll just be single fir awhile and not look because that's how I got my ex in the first place. However this is the reply I may just need.

[Ajax]

Holy ****, you guys need to ****ing get over this stuff.

 

You carry this stuff on your guys back like 100 pound weights, and you guys won't drop them.

 

Look, we've all been there. For whatever reason, it didn't work out. My ex is doing exactly the same **** as yours, I saw a picture of her wearing out a dress I bought her for her graduation, and the pearl bracelet I bought her.

 

Great, the only thing that makes her is a classless insensitive b*tch.

 

You know what guys, you gotta stop acting like victims. Because all they will do is look at how you're handled this and be like 'wow, I'm happy I jumped off that burning ship!'.

 

Do yourselves a favour, live life to it's fullest, or at least try. If she comes to regret it, then that's her fault.

 

But stop dragging this stuff with you.

 

Thanks for the advice. I'll snap myself out of it. because of what you said I will literally change the way I feel.

 

Dude, this is a coping forum. We're not asking how we can get our exes back, we're not asking for advice on how to do that.

 

We're talking about our progress. We're talking about how we feel. Yes, we still have feelings for our exes. We're under no dillusions that they will come back. We don't expect them to, but we still want them to. We still care about them even if they don't care about us.

 

I'm glad that you've been able to recover so easily. Everyone is not you. The advice to stop dragging stuff with us means nothing to us. You can't will yourself into feeling or not feeling something. If that's your advice, thank you but it's not particularly helpful.

[Sonolumino]

durkadurka, I fully agree with Ajax on this. In short, we're not you. We're not stupid or lying to ourselves or trying to get our exes back. We're simply people who've been hurt by something in our lives and we're trying to get over it. No amount of logic will make pain go away. We come here to vent and be heard because it makes us feel better. And Hell, if typing in a message forum makes somebody feel better and helps them even .00001% in their process, then I say let it be. "Stop carrying around the weight" doesn't do anything constructive for anybody. We're allowed to be in pain and we're allowed to vent about it and get advice. I've got enough **** to worry about, I think I'm allowed to have my 5 minutes of mental release on Loveshack.org.

[leftfield]

Hey guys, I'm not saying I agree with what durkadurka is saying, I know if it were as easy as just "dropping the baggage", there wouldn't be a coping forum at all, but maybe he has made some valid points.

 

Coming to the LS coping forum to post here with 'like-minded' individuals may actually become something of a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you continue to think you're "coping" rather than moving on, perhaps that's all you will do. LS can be quite addictive, I realise that, but are you using it to dwell on the past, or genuinely to help you cope?

 

I'm not making accusations at anybody here, it's just something to think about. Everybody heals in their own way, in their own time, I'm certainly not going to tell you to do anything differently.

 

I will say though that once I stopped telling myself and others that I miss her, or that I'm coping with these horrible feelings, I started to look forward instead of back. I do still miss her, and I do still feel horrible a lot of the time, but I'm trying not to focus on that. It was definitely part of the process to go through the pain and not around it, but there comes a point when it's not good to recycle that pain any more.

[durkadurka]

Hey guys I'm not saying dropping the baggage is easy, but perpetually telling your own story and always painting yourself as a victim is not going to help you.

 

You guys all act like you have a wounded victim mentality, and so long as you guys keep doing that you're going to act like this.

 

That's all.

[Billie The Puppet]

Hey guys I'm not saying dropping the baggage is easy, but perpetually telling your own story and always painting yourself as a victim is not going to help you.

 

You guys all act like you have a wounded victim mentality, and so long as you guys keep doing that you're going to act like this.

 

That's all.

 

This words speak truth, but I am not a victim, I am sure I caused my break up with my own insecurities and what not. I can learn from it for future relationships but I am still in the phase of having the "one" get away. Moving on in life other than relationship wise has been very successful since the BU. Relationship wise I think it is too soon to get involved with another even though I have dated and it's boosted my ego and confidence each date ended in disaster as I was either not attracted to the date, or the date wasn't attracted to me. In most cases sadly it was me not attracted to the date because the date is not my "ex". Thing is I wanted to jump into dating because I don't want to be alone, this lonelyness feeling sucks and I am not one that does stuff with friends all the time just occasionally and even increasing that I still have the lonelyness. So It sucks because I am still hung up on someone I can not have.

[Ajax]

Well it's been a while since this thread's seen any action, and I guess that's probably a good sign. But I git some news and I'm not real happy about it.

 

Heard today that my Ex is moving to North Carolina. We're in western New York, so there goes the last hope of reconciliation I suppose. Before she broke up with me she'd mentioned the possibility of us moving down there when I finished grad school in May. I was perfectly willing to go with her. I knew she wasn't really happy here, even though this is where all of her family is. I also knew she wasn't happy with her job here. So she's pulling up stakes and starting over. I just wish I was enough to make it worthwhile for her to have stuck it out for a few more months, but I guess I wasn't.

 

I guess this is better than finding out she was dating someone else. At least I wasn't replaced by another guy so far, but it's little comfort knowing that she's happier alone than she was with me. I was really doing better, but this news kind of hit me hard. It just seems so extreme and final. But then we all know that our relationship meant more to me than it did her.

 

On another unrelated note, I got a text from the girl I dated before this most recent ex today. I never went full out NC with her, but we haven't talked in months. My relationship with her was never what either of us wanted it to be, and though she broke up with me, I was prepairing to do the same. She asked if I wanted to meet up sometime to catch up sometime. I said maybe next week. I have no interest in getting back together with her and I don't think she has any intention of that as well. I just thought it was interesting.

[SadGirl23]

well atleast you have some incite scoop on your ex's life as my ex bf jumped back and forth in my life then disappeared when things didnt go his way. haven't heard or spoke to him in probably month now of NC

 

you and i both have been on this site for a while now..so yeah its finally becoming more accepting to move on. i dont even see half of the people that was on this forum board during the rough times.. guess a lot of people got bad news, and thus moved on for good.

 

hope things will get better for u.

[Ajax]

well atleast you have some incite scoop on your ex's life as my ex bf jumped back and forth in my life then disappeared when things didnt go his way. haven't heard or spoke to him in probably month now of NC

 

you and i both have been on this site for a while now..so yeah its finally becoming more accepting to move on. i dont even see half of the people that was on this forum board during the rough times.. guess a lot of people got bad news, and thus moved on for good.

 

hope things will get better for u.

 

Thanks SadGirl.

 

Yeah I've noticed that Billie_the_puppet hasn't been on lately. Hope he's well on his way to recovery.

 

I'm far better than I was two months ago, but occasionally Something happens and I'll relapse a bit. Finding out that she's moving so far away brought back some of the pain. We'd been planning our future together and now our futures don't involve each other. She's very restless now I think and I guess I'd just be holding her back.

 

Then sometimes I still come accross something she left here that I'd forgotten about. A few days ago I was going through my cupboards looking for something and found a coffee mug she left. It's a whole thing.

[Gt.ooh]

Ajax, I feel for yah man. I get the same respect from my ex's family as yours. It's quite humbling and rewarding in my mind for them to see through the bullcrap, and know that other people do pay attention to what is going on.

 

When we're going through this we feel alone, and it's nice to have that feeling that you're not in the wrong.

 

Just my opinion, other ppl may not agree...but for me that's what I'm taking it as.

[Ajax]

Ajax, I feel for yah man. I get the same respect from my ex's family as yours. It's quite humbling and rewarding in my mind for them to see through the bullcrap, and know that other people do pay attention to what is going on.

 

When we're going through this we feel alone, and it's nice to have that feeling that you're not in the wrong.

 

Just my opinion, other ppl may not agree...but for me that's what I'm taking it as.

 

 

The respect and understanding from the ex's family is one of those things that doesn't matter and yet it does. It's a bit of vindication knowing that others know that you were good to them and that they hurt you. But at the end of the day it's not the parents I want to be with, it's the ex.

 

I suspect that her current plan of action (moving out of state) is at least partly to get away from her family to begin with. She's very independent and would never accept help from her family and resented them when they took interest in her life. It somewhat parallels our relationship and how she never really opened up to me and kept me at arms length.

 

Clearly this ongoing relationship autopsy doesn't change anything, and some would argue that it keeps the wounds open. I won't argue that fact. However I think that it's helpful for me to analyze things so that I'll have a little bit of insight going into a potential new relationship.

[Ajax]

I'm feeling really down this morning. Had a dream about the ex and woke up feeling sick to my stomach. It's been two and a half months and of course I still miss her.

 

I was supposed to have dinner with a friend tonight but she canceled on me. I have a ton of work I need to get done but don't have the motivation. All I want to do is crawl back into bed.

 

Oh well, at least these days are getting fewer and fewer.

Edited November 4, 2010 by Ajax

[Leandro]

Yea the dreams do suck. I haven't slept well in a long time.

 

Keep it up. You've made it this far.

 

That's right, these types of days will happen less and less.

[watshername]

very similar story to mine. My ex was depressed. it absolutely sucks. Theres nothing i can say except I'm going through it too and I just hope things will be ok. I'm trying NC, not even been a day yet and its been hard. We've been split for 2 months and its been torture x

[Ajax]

So tonight I had night class and afterward went out for some drinks with my classmates. It was fun.

 

When I got home I put on a Harry Potter movie and started dinner. This is the first time I've really cooked anything since the breakup two and a half months ago, and I chose to make something that I first made for my ex. I picked it simply because I like it and it sounded good to me. Of course while I was prepairing and eating it I constantly had memories of the ex, but instead of feeling sad about it I smiled. Yes, I miss her and will feel sad about what happened again, but I thought that it was worth noting that I did something that reminded me of her and felt good for the first time.

[andrew-bkk]

When I got home I put on a Harry Potter movie and started dinner. This is the first time I've really cooked anything since the breakup two and a half months ago, and I chose to make something that I first made for my ex. I picked it simply because I like it and it sounded good to me. Of course while I was prepairing and eating it I constantly had memories of the ex, but instead of feeling sad about it I smiled. Yes, I miss her and will feel sad about what happened again, but I thought that it was worth noting that I did something that reminded me of her and felt good for the first time.

 

Next time, be adventurous. Cook something new. Cook something different.

 

Remember -- this is your new life. Your ex has gone. Cook something exotic that you've never cooked before.

 

Do it for you. And do it for you and you alone.

[stopthemadness]

first things first - good job on the NC its the only way to let yourself heal and move on...

 

Secondly all of us here been through what you are going through at some stage, and i am not going to BS you, but things to get worse before they get better... Trust I have been there - I didnt have the courage to do NC at first and it took me almost 2 months to do it - i am now in month 3 post break up and I wont lie that I am fully healed - but you know what it does get better over time.

 

I have accepted its over and just like you she knows how I feel, except now I am at the point where I am not sure if I do want to be with her because she is no longer the girl I fell in love with or still love for that matter...

 

You will have the dreams, we all have them and they do set us back every so often, but over time they will stop, its taken me almost 3 months to be able to sleep more than 4 hours and my life is now starting to take some shape - i hit the gym 4 times a week, run 4 times week, and just do my own crap, sure you will have moments where you will miss her, but you know what what doesnt kill us only makes us stronger...

 

we all know and have been through what you feel right now...

 

be strong and know that you have people here who will be there to give you that little nudge to tread along...

Wow soo glad am not the only one not sleeping more then 4 hours. Like you am starting to do stuff like cleaning my yard like all the time. It never looked better(smile) It feels good to be outside too...

[Ajax]

Well it's three months to the day since she broke up with me. In some ways it seems like a lifetime ago, but in other ways it feels like just yesterday. I can still remember the smallest details. And when I think of my time before, say 4 months ago, this isn't the way I saw my life unfolding.

 

Looking back on the past three months makes me take note of how far I've come and how far I have yet to go. Three months ago I hadn't hit bottom yet. I was still processing everything. I moved back in with my parents for most of that month because I couldn't stand living in the apartment she helped me move into. Two months ago I was a complete mess. A shell of a man. I wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping, and grasping at any straw I could find just to lessen the pain. One month ago I was still searching for answers as to what happened and why.

 

Since then I've completely redecorated my apartment. I purged everything that reminded me of her. I worked hard to make it my own. I've started cooking again, something that I also hated doing because it reminded me of her and I hated cooking for one person. I've spent some time with friends. Finished one of my grad classes. I can now sleep through the night and no longer feeli like vomiting when I wake up. I don't cry anymore.

 

But I still have a way to go. My school work is still suffering from lack of motivation. While I see friends from time to time, my social life is generally non-existant. This newly reclaimed apartment is comfortable enough, but it would still be nice to have someone to share it with a few nights a week. And unfortunately I still miss her, if not who she is, at least who I thought she was.

 

So now I want to date. I've never been a casual dater, and approaching girls has never been my strength. So I think this is the next step in my life. I don't want a rebound or to lead someone on. I want to meet girls and get to know them, and if something comes out of it then great. It's true that I don't need to, but I sure do want to.

[Ajax]

So I'm getting my masters in education, but I'm not certified to teach yet so I have field placements in schools that I've been doing for a while. My current placement is in a Special Education classroom. There's a teacher, an aide, and then some of the kids have para profesionals that help them specifically. Today one of the para's had a substitute.

 

The girl who was subbing for her walked in the room and I immediately took notice. She was just gorgeous. We made eye contact a couple times and she smiled, but it was a classroom full of kids, she was working and I was supposed to be helping in whatever capacity I could, so I didn't know what to do.

 

But unfortunately I couldn't stop sneaking a look at her. She really was my type. So when the kids were working on worksheets by themselves and the other adults were otherwise occupied I went up and introduced myself. We talked for a good 10 minutes. She said she's looking for a full time job in the area but also looking in North Carolina (same place my ex is moving to... what is it about that place?) I was doing pretty well and we seemed to have chemistry. It felt good.

 

A while later I walked away to do what I was supposed to be doing in the first place. I wanted to ask her out, but again I was in a classroom full of kids and teachers. I didn't want to make a spectacle or make her feel unnecessarily uncomfortable, so I wrote my name and number on a scrap of paper and slipped it to her. We talked a bit after about nonsense, and then she and her student had to go.

 

I might never hear from her, but the possibility exists. The main thing is that I saw an opportunity and I took it, which is something that I need to do more of. Usually when I see a girl I like I do nothing and regret it for the rest of the day. Also this is the first time since my ex left me that I could imagine myself with someone else being happy. Granted I don't know this girl, but I think it's a step in the right direction.

 

If I hear from her I'll let you know

Edited November 18, 2010 by Ajax

[alwayshoping]

Well done Ajax! So proud of you for making it to the other side! I just made it too! When another girl can make your heart race then you know your heart is ready!

 

Well done on the masters too x