Forgotten Already?!

[TigerCub]

Tiger, it's OK to acknowledge that you miss that closeness, heck I even miss the closeness that I had with xmm, even after finding out it was such a f up'd situation, but missing it and accepting that you can't go back and you can't have it again are two different things. You have to let it go, that is the only way you can move on and get your self respect back. Hugs....

 

Thanks for the hugs

 

Thanks also for telling me about your experiences so that I can get a sense of what's "normal" in these situations.

 

I really do have to come to terms with the fact that we can't have it like we used to.

I think that's the hardest thing.

 

The disrespectful way he treated me does 2 things:

1. makes me really mad and not want to have anything to do with him

2. makes me really sad and feel that I no longer mean anything to him, since he never treated me like that before.

 

But I guess we wont be having any kind of relationship friendship or otherwise, because I am not going to contact him, and I forsee a fight if he contacts me (because I can't let go of how he did his NC)

 

I wish I never met him!!

 

Thanks again BB

I think being ok with the realization that we can't have any relationship at all will get easier every time I think of how disrespectful he has been.

[TigerCub]

 

While you may perceive it as a disservice to you that he didn't at least explain the establishment of NC to you with the manners and respect that you have to him, you are also the one that violated the NC rule and flip-flopped about the whole thing. It is possible that he doesn't want to make it harder for you by tempting your personal disharmony again by getting into a situation where both of you fall into the physical lure of "lets get coffee" where things spiral into the cycle. Maybe he is breaking the cycle in the only way he knows how -- NC cold shoulder.

 

The way he did it, NC Cold shoulder without giving me at least the respect of the explanation, not only makes me not want to waste any time on him, but it just hurts so much!

 

Just because he couldn't be bothered to treat me as well as I treated him.

 

I understand what you're saying about the fact that I flip flop so much with the NC stuff, and maybe he figured that his method is the best way to go, but I found it so disrespectful and hurtful.

 

 

However, at this point a friendship cannot work. The real issue here, isn't whether or not you two had what you had, but you are concerned if it was as special to him as it was to you -- hence your concern of "being forgotten", or maybe being "easily discarded".

 

That's true. That's why I feel so manic.

After the way he acted, I don't want to waste time on him, and I feel greatly insulted & hurt.

 

But because the time we had was special to me and because I do still love him, I do care about how he feels about me, even though deep down I know it should be a moot point because it is best for us to be apart and going NC.

 

I hate that my emotions about this keep flip flopping and I'm either mad or sad.

 

Thanks for your help

[donnamaybe]

No, he thinks that one day he'll leave, I told him that he's just lying to himself so that he doesn't feel trapped, he's just telling himself he has a way out.

 

That's why I kept trying to break away to move on.

 

When I said "I don't know what I want" I meant with regards to having any kind of relationship with him. Most of the time, I do want him in my life, as a friend at least, I miss that closeness - but that kind of closeness was pretty much the start of the EA, and so that's why I don't know what I want too - because I honestly don't want to carry on the affair, I want to move on, but because I have such intense feelings for him - and he did for me, its just hard.

 

I feel like I'm sad either way.

You will be sad until he either ends his M honestly and begins a full on R with you OR you finally put a stop to this for good. You cannot be just friends.

[BB07]

Thanks for the hugs

 

Thanks also for telling me about your experiences so that I can get a sense of what's "normal" in these situations.

 

I really do have to come to terms with the fact that we can't have it like we used to.

I think that's the hardest thing.

 

The disrespectful way he treated me does 2 things:

1. makes me really mad and not want to have anything to do with him

2. makes me really sad and feel that I no longer mean anything to him, since he never treated me like that before.

 

But I guess we wont be having any kind of relationship friendship or otherwise, because I am not going to contact him, and I forsee a fight if he contacts me (because I can't let go of how he did his NC)

 

I wish I never met him!!

 

Thanks again BB

I think being ok with the realization that we can't have any relationship at all will get easier every time I think of how disrespectful he has been.

 

You are welcome Tiger and keep posting, it can help you sort through your feelings plus the added benefit of getting some very valuable and very smart advice. Most women come here because they are in a lot of pain and they know that the situation costs is not worth the benefits that are gained. It takes time to accept all that and fully realize that you have to get out for your own sanity.

[TigerCub]

You will be sad until he either ends his M honestly and begins a full on R with you OR you finally put a stop to this for good. You cannot be just friends.

 

 

Thanks Donna.

I really do know that, I guess I'm having trouble with accepting it, and that would at least explain my non stop flip flopping on the subject.

 

When I see it clearly for what it is - I want to end it and I feel good with the decision to do NC

 

When my emotions rule (rather than logic), I second guess things, and try to recapture what once was.

 

I really need to work on my acceptance and just grieve it all once and for all and be done with it.

[jj33]

Tiger Im about to be judgemental... but

 

you have to let this go. Do you really want to "do it all but intercourse" in a car with a married man. To me that is just

 

For some that might be a thrill, maybe I am just old and narrow minded but that would make me feel really lousy. Worse if said man then gave me the cold shoulder.

 

You are not in this for a quickie in the car. You are in this because you care for him.

 

If he thinks that is OK and that is the way he would behave with someone he truly loves? Hes not the guy for you. You sound like a lovely woman and you deserve WAY better than this.

[TigerCub]

You are welcome Tiger and keep posting, it can help you sort through your feelings plus the added benefit of getting some very valuable and very smart advice. Most women come here because they are in a lot of pain and they know that the situation costs is not worth the benefits that are gained. It takes time to accept all that and fully realize that you have to get out for your own sanity.

 

I will definitely keep posting.

I love talking to and getting advice from people who have (sadly enough) experienced what I'm going through.

 

The support and insight here, does make these types of terrible situations seem like they can be overcome.

[donnamaybe]

When my emotions rule (rather than logic), I second guess things, and try to recapture what once was.

And when you feel those emotions kicking in, you need to give yourself a swift kick in the arse and go out and MAKE something happen for yourself. And I don't mean some man. I mean fun for YOU. With friends or whatever. Do something productive for yourself, even if it's momentary distraction. Do not DWELL.

 

The emotional crap will lessen over time, but not if you keep feeding it. KWIM?

[TigerCub]

Tiger Im about to be judgemental... but

 

you have to let this go. Do you really want to "do it all but intercourse" in a car with a married man. To me that is just

 

Thanks for being honest. I don't think you're being judgmental.

The car thing started because sometimes I used to give him a lift in my car to his at the end of the day.

We made out a few times, but I always felt that the car restricted us from going further.

 

so it just turned into our "spot".

 

 

For some that might be a thrill, maybe I am just old and narrow minded but that would make me feel really lousy. Worse if said man then gave me the cold shoulder.

hehe, I totally see what you're saying, its not classy by any means, but its fun.

And yeah I've never gotten the cold shoulder from him before, especially not after that kinda thing, so I guess that's why its hurting me more.

 

You sound like a lovely woman and you deserve WAY better than this.

 

Thank you

I know that I deserve more. That's why I sometimes hate myself for allowing myself to repeatedly go in this cycle.

[TigerCub]

And when you feel those emotions kicking in, you need to give yourself a swift kick in the arse and go out and MAKE something happen for yourself. And I don't mean some man. I mean fun for YOU. With friends or whatever. Do something productive for yourself, even if it's momentary distraction. Do not DWELL.

 

The emotional crap will lessen over time, but not if you keep feeding it. KWIM?

 

I understand what you're saying, and I really do keep busy with my friends, and stuff, and I can keep busy and entertain myself and stuff, and sometimes when I do get those thoughts of him, I switch to thoughts of things that I put on "The List" so that I don't get lost in missing him...but sometimes that can't be helped.

 

I will try harder. I truly want this misery to end.

I'll keep at it.

 

Thanks

[jj33]

Its one thing if you were in it for the thrills. Say (to avoid the morality issue) that he was single and he was really hot and you couldnt see even going to a restaurant with him but d*mn a walk in the park and an hour in the car OK. Not my thing but I could see how that would be a thrill.

 

The thing is when you love someone its all different. THe crazy passion and the I just need to be with you now is intense and wonderful but not when its all you are able to share. Its painful.

 

You need to look within and say why am I allowing this to continue?

 

This is just me but to me the idea of being casual like that after the A ended diminished the actual relatoinship we had and I thought it was diminishing to me. I dont know if that is useful but it may make you think 2x about going back to something that is less than what you want.

 

Big hugs its not easy working with someone you had a romance with, single or married

[pureinheart]

 

I think that's the thing that hurts me the most about this. Before, I knew that I was always on his mind, and that he constantly wanted to talk to me, and hang out and stuff, but my flip flopping with NC confused things worse.

 

It just makes me really sad that when we talked that Monday, and I told him that I wanted us to be friends again (no NC), he agreed and told me that he couldn't get past what we had.

 

Then after what we did on that lunch break, he just didn't really go back into friendship mode

 

so I think either he lied about wanting to be friends

or he just wants me to chase after him

or he had doubts later

 

but what bugs me is that he never explained things to me, like I always did with him, so now I'm just left wondering and feeling really forgotten.

 

I never wanted him to feel that way, so I always was honest and explained why I do the things I do, he didn't and that's what makes me feel like I"m so easy to just cast aside and forget

 

Hi TC,

 

Unless I missed something, you aren't the one doing the flip flopping here...I mean you aren't M right? He's the one that's M.

 

I really think he's seeing what you will do, he's trying to get a reaction out of you IMO. I say, don't do anything because I think he thinks he's got you right where he wants you.

 

It's kind of like a witholding of what you want...you were enticed into something more than friends that afternoon...that could have been a "see, I got more than friends" type deal...this may not make any sense as I am not communicating this the way I like...anyway, take care TC

[TigerCub]

Its one thing if you were in it for the thrills. Say (to avoid the morality issue) that he was single and he was really hot and you couldnt see even going to a restaurant with him but d*mn a walk in the park and an hour in the car OK. Not my thing but I could see how that would be a thrill.

 

The thing is when you love someone its all different. THe crazy passion and the I just need to be with you now is intense and wonderful but not when its all you are able to share. Its painful.

 

It is very painful. Because there is an incredible chemistry, but I can't really have anything else - like the real R

 

You need to look within and say why am I allowing this to continue?

I think I know why I do this - and I'm hoping that my therapy sessions will heal my old wounds.

 

This is just me but to me the idea of being casual like that after the A ended diminished the actual relatoinship we had and I thought it was diminishing to me.

That's what I'm feeling now.

We had the passion, we still do

What we no longer have is the closeness, the friendship, and that's what I wanted when I talked to him - but we ended up going down a different/familiar path, and I did have that diminished feeling to both the friendship and me (And I felt that even before I realized he was doing NC) - I felt that that same day, and that's why I made The List.

 

Big hugs its not easy working with someone you had a romance with, single or married

Thank you so much

 

I'm so glad that we don't work directly together. We just work in the same building, so that means we don't even see each other on a daily basis, just sometimes passing by.

 

It would have been waaaaaay worse if I actually saw him everyday.

So glad that's no the case

[donnamaybe]

I understand what you're saying, and I really do keep busy with my friends, and stuff, and I can keep busy and entertain myself and stuff, and sometimes when I do get those thoughts of him, I switch to thoughts of things that I put on "The List" so that I don't get lost in missing him...but sometimes that can't be helped.

 

I will try harder. I truly want this misery to end.

I'll keep at it.

 

Thanks

And really, hon, that's all you can do. You can't do anything to make him WANT to end his M for you. He has to want that himself. If he eventually DOES end his M and he's a really lucky guy, you won't have found someone better already.

 

But do NOT wait, otherwise you might miss out on someone absolutely PERFECT in every way for you!

[TigerCub]

Hi TC,

 

Unless I missed something, you aren't the one doing the flip flopping here...I mean you aren't M right? He's the one that's M.

 

True, he is the one in the M, BUT, I'm the one that keeps initiating NC and then caving. He did break NC a few times, but I was always the one that would initiate it and we'd go back and forth

 

I really think he's seeing what you will do, he's trying to get a reaction out of you IMO. I say, don't do anything because I think he thinks he's got you right where he wants you.

 

It's kind of like a witholding of what you want...you were enticed into something more than friends that afternoon...that could have been a "see, I got more than friends" type deal...this may not make any sense as I am not communicating this the way I like...anyway, take care TC

 

Thanks pureinheart. You totally do make sense.

 

He's always said to me that whenever he thinks he's got me figured out, I do something to throw him off.

 

But I agree that I think he's doing this to see what I'll do.

He wants to make me chase him some more, because I have caved with NC before, but ...

 

I think this is going to be one of those cases where "I'll do something to throw him off" because I feel really disrespected by how he did it, and I've never let any other guy get away with crap like that and he isn't gonna be any different.

 

I think he thinks that I will contact him and that he'll always have that power, but I really dont have any desire to.

What he did makes me not want him

 

But I do still love him, and stuff like that, and I am just really confused at how he could treat me like he did. I find that really hurtful.

 

I think now I'm curious to see what he's gonna do

 

Thanks for your support

[TigerCub]

And really, hon, that's all you can do. You can't do anything to make him WANT to end his M for you. He has to want that himself. If he eventually DOES end his M and he's a really lucky guy, you won't have found someone better already.

 

Thanks Donna

Although I would have loved for him to leave M, I never wanted to push him into doing it, he really does have to do it for his own reasons and on his own. I would never have wanted him to do it just for me, because when he ends up missing living full time with his kids and stuff, I wouldn't want him to resent me.

 

hmmmm, after the way he acted, I don't think he's gonna be lucky

 

But do NOT wait, otherwise you might miss out on someone absolutely PERFECT in every way for you!

 

Certainly not waiting, but I do realize that I have to deal with this pain in order to heal and be able to fully invest in anyone else.

I'll get there...I know I will.

 

Thanks for the help hun

[donnamaybe]

Certainly not waiting, but I do realize that I have to deal with this pain in order to heal and be able to fully invest in anyone else.

I'll get there...I know I will.

See what a smart gal you are?!!!

[TigerCub]

See what a smart gal you are?!!!

 

aaawww shucks!

[atlnay]

When in doubt, always always ALWAYS, believe a persons actions over their words. As to why your guy has vanished, well he got what he wanted and is good at the moment. He hasn't left you alone just yet. You will hear from him again. But you need to pick a path. LC (ONLY work related contact) or you continue being physical with him. You can't have both.

[lilbunny]

TC I understand exactly, I am right where you are and it sucks. I have great days when I walk on by past that office like I couldn't care less, then we get stuck together somewhere at work and all the good work comes undone.

 

I know what I should be doing, I know 100% I am just lame at following through. We end up having ridiculous conversations that revolve around who's fault it is we haven't spoken all week. Our A is well and truly over, I don't want to go back, he won't go back there either. I have said and done some things that actively make me cringe so much I can't face repeating them, you know when stuff comes out of your mouth and you wish you could grab it and shove it back in. There is also an added dimension of 'keeping up appearances' because if we were suddenly not seen together frequently the world and his dog would start asking questions that would be very difficult to respond to.

 

All I can do is keep telling myself I will do better next week, not beat myself up (too much!) when I screw up and remind myself that all the crappy things we keep doing to each other is because neither of us are in a good state.

 

It is going to hurt, no getting out of it, but what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I've got no wise words of advice, I think everyone has said some pretty wise things, we just need to keep it up now!

[Ellin]

I just don't know what to think....

 

Almost 2 weeks ago, I asked MM to come up to my floor @ work and we were talking in the boardroom.

 

I told him how I'm sorry that I keep flip flopping with NC with him, but I just can't find a balance to keep him in my life without drama.

 

I told him I appreciated how he's done what I asked when I asked it with regards to that.

 

I told him that I think now I want us to be friends again, like emails and coffee (like we used to do) - he used to start my day with an email, and we'd just keep writing back and forth and it was always just fun stuff, and joking around and stuff.

 

He said that the past while has been really hard because he can't get past what we had.

 

Then he kissed me

 

We kissed for a little while, and since it was close to lunch time, we decided to take some time off and just hang out, we went to some park and hung out there and then we started making out in my car. We did the usual stuff (we've never had intercourse), but we did the rest.

 

After that he just sent me an email when we were back at work and he emailed me just to say thanks for a nice day, etc....

 

But I haven't heard from him since. Its been almost 2 weeks and the whole point of me talking to him that Monday was because I wanted us to try being friends again, and he was all for it, but I haven't heard from him.

 

Well except sometime this week, I was walking to work, and I guess he was behind me, I never notice these things, so he just started chatting and stuff, it was random and it was just a bump into someone on the street kinda thing.

 

This all makes me really sad. He used to write to me every morning, he used to text me in the evenings sometimes and on the weekends.

 

I just fear that maybe cuz I've done this back/forth NC he finally figured that I cave so much and now he just wants me to chase after him, which I wont do. I'm really upset at what he's doing, and it breaks my heart.

 

BTW - I thought of the list thing (to those who have heard me refer to it) after that Monday, its still up on my wall, and so I wont be contacting him first.

 

I guess my rant is about that feeling of "being forgotten" or fearing that they no longer miss you or love you like you thought they did.

 

Do the other OW/OM go through that?

 

Right now its not even about being with him again, its about wanting to know if he really did just lose feelings for me.

 

That day we hung out he told me he loves me, but his actions are proving otherwise.

 

Any insight would be appreciated.

 

Thanks

Hmmmm, maybe after you told him you wanted to be just friends he started to wonder if you don't love him any more and tried to kiss you to find out... then he found out that your feelings are still there and he got a little confused about what you really want.

 

Sorry, I don't know your story. You were the one who initiated NC, right? So you let him know that you didn't want the A to continue. You said you didn't want him in your life. Then you said you wanted him as a friend again. Then your actions said you want more. He doesn't know how to react now, so he's keeping quiet.

 

And he does still love you, if he did so far. Love really doesn't just evaporate.

[TigerCub]

When in doubt, always always ALWAYS, believe a persons actions over their words. As to why your guy has vanished, well he got what he wanted and is good at the moment. He hasn't left you alone just yet. You will hear from him again. But you need to pick a path. LC (ONLY work related contact) or you continue being physical with him. You can't have both.

 

I really think he's waiting for me to start talking to him - because I've done it so often - but I just can't get past how hurtful what he did is. I'm just so shocked because he's never treated me like that before - that's what makes me sad, it makes me feel like whatever "magic" we had is lost - but I because I feel so insulted, even if he does try to talk to me again, I wont be going down the A path again - this really hit a nerve, and in a way, I guess he did me a favor by acting like an A-hole.

 

Thanks for your reply

[TigerCub]

TC I understand exactly, I am right where you are and it sucks. I have great days when I walk on by past that office like I couldn't care less, then we get stuck together somewhere at work and all the good work comes undone.

 

I know what I should be doing, I know 100% I am just lame at following through. We end up having ridiculous conversations that revolve around who's fault it is we haven't spoken all week. Our A is well and truly over, I don't want to go back, he won't go back there either. I have said and done some things that actively make me cringe so much I can't face repeating them, you know when stuff comes out of your mouth and you wish you could grab it and shove it back in. There is also an added dimension of 'keeping up appearances' because if we were suddenly not seen together frequently the world and his dog would start asking questions that would be very difficult to respond to.

 

All I can do is keep telling myself I will do better next week, not beat myself up (too much!) when I screw up and remind myself that all the crappy things we keep doing to each other is because neither of us are in a good state.

 

It is going to hurt, no getting out of it, but what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I've got no wise words of advice, I think everyone has said some pretty wise things, we just need to keep it up now!

 

Thanks lilbunny

I'm really lucky in that me and him don't actually work together.

So I don't even have to keep in touch for work stuff or see him everyday. We just work in the same building.

 

I know that it is going to hurt, it does right now, but I think I'm more mad at myself for letting things get to a point where he felt it was ok to disrespect me. If he tries to talk to me again, he's def going to see that I don't put up with crap like that.

I'm disappointed in him.

I dunno, so many emotions right now...

 

keep strong lilbunny - we're gonna make it out of this and be completely free one day

[TigerCub]

Hmmmm, maybe after you told him you wanted to be just friends he started to wonder if you don't love him any more and tried to kiss you to find out... then he found out that your feelings are still there and he got a little confused about what you really want.

 

Sorry, I don't know your story. You were the one who initiated NC, right? So you let him know that you didn't want the A to continue. You said you didn't want him in your life. Then you said you wanted him as a friend again. Then your actions said you want more. He doesn't know how to react now, so he's keeping quiet.

 

And he does still love you, if he did so far. Love really doesn't just evaporate.

 

Thanks for the reply Ellin.

You do bring up some good points about how confusing I've been with him. I know that I've been confusing, and that's what I was appologizing for when I saw him.

 

Maybe you're right that he just simply doesn't know how to act and what to do anymore, but to not at least send a friendly email after I said lets be friends (regardless of what happened during lunch break) seems kinda harsh.

 

But I do understand what you're saying about how this has all become too confusing.

 

Thanks for your input

[kis]

I just don't know what to think....

 

Almost 2 weeks ago, I asked MM to come up to my floor @ work and we were talking in the boardroom.

 

I told him how I'm sorry that I keep flip flopping with NC with him, but I just can't find a balance to keep him in my life without drama.

 

I told him I appreciated how he's done what I asked when I asked it with regards to that.

 

I told him that I think now I want us to be friends again, like emails and coffee (like we used to do) - he used to start my day with an email, and we'd just keep writing back and forth and it was always just fun stuff, and joking around and stuff.

 

He said that the past while has been really hard because he can't get past what we had.

 

Then he kissed me

 

We kissed for a little while, and since it was close to lunch time, we decided to take some time off and just hang out, we went to some park and hung out there and then we started making out in my car. We did the usual stuff (we've never had intercourse), but we did the rest.

 

After that he just sent me an email when we were back at work and he emailed me just to say thanks for a nice day, etc....

 

But I haven't heard from him since. Its been almost 2 weeks and the whole point of me talking to him that Monday was because I wanted us to try being friends again, and he was all for it, but I haven't heard from him.

 

Well except sometime this week, I was walking to work, and I guess he was behind me, I never notice these things, so he just started chatting and stuff, it was random and it was just a bump into someone on the street kinda thing.

 

This all makes me really sad. He used to write to me every morning, he used to text me in the evenings sometimes and on the weekends.

 

I just fear that maybe cuz I've done this back/forth NC he finally figured that I cave so much and now he just wants me to chase after him, which I wont do. I'm really upset at what he's doing, and it breaks my heart.

 

BTW - I thought of the list thing (to those who have heard me refer to it) after that Monday, its still up on my wall, and so I wont be contacting him first.

 

I guess my rant is about that feeling of "being forgotten" or fearing that they no longer miss you or love you like you thought they did.

 

Do the other OW/OM go through that?

 

Right now its not even about being with him again, its about wanting to know if he really did just lose feelings for me.

 

That day we hung out he told me he loves me, but his actions are proving otherwise.

 

Any insight would be appreciated.

 

Thanks

 

Just wondering how long you have been in this relationship. Sometime they start our like you said with alot of attention and over time not so much. very painful but true. This has happened to me recently and its not so fun. Hard to understand because when we do talk its just great for us both. Soooo why does it not happen more often.