I don't want it to end...

[lostinlondon]

Ok

so

I've known this guy for 8 years but we didn't live in the same city

so

we didn't see each other often. We have always been good friends, 6 years ago he got married and I was happy for him, however a year and a half ago his marriage ended and we ended up being in the same city for the first time. We realised we had feelings for each other but neither of us wanted to do anything as he was only just out of his marriage. We saw each other and spoke regularly but nothing happened.

 

In May of this year we met up and ended up kissing, a few weeks later we slept together for the first time. We agreed that we would just be friends and see what happens. However we then started sleeping together every week or

so

, but weren't exclusive.

So

we had said we weren't in a relationship..by the point I was wanting more but knew he wasn't ready but was prepared to wait. At this stage he was calling me every day, some times multiple times a day just to chat and see how i was doing and to talk about how we were both doing etc.

 

He would come over and we'd have meals together, watch a film together and end up in bed.

So

I was hoping that we were progressing into something more, especially when he went to visit family in another country for two weeks and he called me or spoke to me on skype every day while he was there. He came over a couple of days after he was back and he was asking me all these questions about what my favourite things are in life, food, music, films etc etc. We met up a few days later for a meal and he knew exactly what i wanted to eat etc.

 

So

he came over on Tuesday night, he was all cuddly and stuff and I didn't notice anything different. If anything he was more cuddly and said things that made me think we were really moving forward. At one point he showed me some pics from a tour a couple of years ago, there was a pic of him cuddling some girl and he looked right at me and was like "she's just a photographer" and I was like "yeah ok" not realising why he was pointing it out. Then he said something about me going on tour with the band as their photographer.

 

So

we spent the evening cuddling and chatting and we were laid on my bed...he had been babbling about something and I knew he wanted to say something,

so

we were literally wrapped around each other and he looked right at me and said "

so

I think we should just be friends"...I was literally in shock and just said "um ok"

so

I asked him why and he said something about "first it was just fun but then..." he didn't finish what he was saying.

So

then he said something about "it feels like we're having an affair" which completely confused me. He carried on cuddling me and didn't seem to want to let go, he then said "i hope we can still hug though".

 

I was in shock and didn't know what to say to him, the day after I knew what I should have said but of course it was too late.

So

he said bye to me and we hugged and he kissed me on the cheek and left. I spent the whole of yesterday in bed sobbing.

So

today he called me in the morning and chatted to me for like 20 minutes. Like nothing had happened,

so

I have no idea what to think, whether he's regretting what he said or whether he's just trying to be friends and was ringing to make sure we were ok etc. But if he was just checking in then why chat to me for 20 mins etc.

 

What should I do?

[kimba]

wow

 

Go complete No contact...

 

im speechless

[skydiveaddict]

Yea I agree, stay away from him. I despise people who use others in that fashion.

[Leigh 87]

He wanted the perks of a relationships, but without the bad bits. Like hard work, working through problems, and having to commit.

 

You are obviously an educated, worthy person, and he wanted all the benefits of being in as relationship with you, bt without having to BOTHER with the " relationship" part.

 

Relationships have lovely things about them; the cuddling, watching DVD's together, eating meals, and then going and having sex and feeling those nice feelings together.

 

He wanted all those NICE things, with you, but without having to settle. he is not ready to settle with one person and commit, and just wants to go and have fun until he feels like settling down.

 

He got what he needed from you, and I am sure he DID genuinly get a lot from you, and enjoyed his time with you a lot! Don't think that he just used you because you were just " available".

 

He obviously loved his time with you, after all, he did sound like he was happy with you, and he would not have bothered with you unless he really did enjoy being with you.

 

he probably assumed that you could just switch your feelings " off" the way he did, at the end of it all; that you too, could go through all the nice times of a relationship, and not feel the need to necesarrily hold on to what you had long term,.

 

Relationships can be so hard and some people want to dip their feet in a rekationship, and have the sex and the special connection, but without the hassles of a relationship.

 

 

Please do not feel as though you were not good enough to fulfill his needs though! What he did was selfish, even though I am sure he did not SET OUT to hurt you.

 

What he needs to learn, is that people find it hard not to become attatched when they beciome so intimate with another person. If you KNEW the terms and conditions of this " relationship", logicaly, you would have ended it yourself long ago, knowing that you would fall for a man who was not willing to be your boyfriend or partner.

 

You have been through an awful experience! really, it is a horrible thing to have happen to any one! To develop that special atatchment with a person, only for them to casually remark " lets just be friends:)".

 

You will obviously feel awful for a while, because only time will alleviate this pain you feel over him. The good news is, that if you break all contact with him, you WILL be able to resume your life without this pain!

 

No one can lessen eyour pain, as you have been hurt! OMG, what this guy has done is awful! But having ZERO contact with him, will allow you to over come this awful situation, over time.

 

Until you feel better, just realize that there is nothing you can do, but try to resume your life,. Look forward to little things, like a nice meal, or whatever it is that gives you feelings of satisfaction.

 

I hope that it does not take too long for you to be fully functioning again. IN THE FUTURE; once you ARE over this guy, and have started dating again ( SORRY I know it must be awful to read abiut dating again seeing asw you basically are in love with this guy)....

 

ONCE you are over him, THEN you may even be nice enough to give him some useful advice: DO NOT go having a ' relationship" with a women, without telling her first about your intentions.

 

HE NEEDS to know that he cannot just expect to have a " relastionship" with a women, and expect them to not get attatched.

 

NORMALLY, friends with benifits is the next step down from a relstionship; friends who u do nothave strong enough feelings for to care if they end up with other people, or are also with other people as well as yourself.

 

I cannot see a nice or healthy way to have a relationship, that ISN;T actually a relationship. This guy useed you in relationship, there IS no inbetween; you either want sex, or a more meaninful relationship, with 2 ppl who want to be with each other.

 

Mind you, friends with benifits can still haver a good connection, but they cannot get atatched enough to care if the other person finds an actuakl partner.

 

 

GOOD LUCK! This guy was SUCH a jerk to you, but he is human and he did not mean to hurt you; BUT it WOULD greatly benifit HIM, if you TOLD HIM about his selfish ways, and about how the way he used you was wrong.

 

He may learn that what he did has consequences for the other person involved, and they if he cares about the person he is with, then he should be clear about his intentions from the start, and not lead them, so they get strong feelings for him.

[lostinlondon]

Thank you for your replies. Especially Leigh 87, that must have taken you a while. I'm struggling because I know he has feelings for me and he won't allow himself to accept it, but I can't change his mind. I think it gave me false hope that he called me two days after "it" happened, like he already missed me.

 

The hard thing is that tonight I will see him, as I'm a photographer and I agreed to shoot their band. I really don't want to go but I have to in a professional manner, I am unsure as to whether to try talk to him and get him to explain the sudden decision on his part to "just be friends" or not. If he is very flirty/friendly with me then I will confront him and tell him its all or nothing.

[Leigh 87]

Definitly tell him that you need to break contact with him. Do not tell him right away, but just do it as you leave. Do not make a big deal, just say " I have feelings and unless I can fulfill them, I need to stop talking to you until I get over the attatchment I formed.

 

It is not possible to just go from what you guys had, to being " friends" come on. He should know that. People cannot just start up a connectionw ith some one, and then switch off their feelings. It does not work that way, and you need to tell him that.

 

Enjoy your last time with him, and then try to be strong and just know that time will heal things. Unless he sais that he DOES want you as a girlfriend, you have to end all contact.

[lostinlondon]

He just came online and started talking to me and after pleasentries we had this conversation, i'm even more confused :

 

Him

By the way you're not finding the situation "awkward" are you? or are you? I wasn't sure if you were serious or joking..

 

Me

i think it was more confusion to be honest

 

Him

ok

I haven't met anybody by the way

 

Me

no it was more that it seemed very sudden and i felt a bit stupid that i had been my usual self with you in the evening and then you said just be friends etc

 

Him

Well I'm naturally touchy feely anyway, so you will still have to endure hugs from me..but yes I understand what you're saying.

 

Me

like i said, i never asked anything from you....i enjoyed your company...and i wasn't expecting you to be exclusive with me or vice versa....i just think if i did something that scared you or something, then please tell me

 

all i asked from you was to be honest, and i know you were on tuesday but you must have been feeling like that for a bit

 

Him

No you didn't do anything to scare me off. yes I've been honest with you and I know you've been as well.

 

Me

go get ready for the gig, we can talk another time...i won't bring it up tonight or anything dont worry

 

Him

Maybe I'm not as Rock'n'roll as I think I am! haha!

No I'm not worried. And hope you're not worried either.

see you tonight x

[Leigh 87]

So you knew you were falling for him, and yet you did not know expect a relationship from him? Perhaps you were blinded by your feelings; you enjoyed being with him too much to part ways, even though you knew you would get hurt.

 

I thought he was acting like he wanted to be with you in a relationship, so you got sucked in to it and assumed he DID want you in a relationship? Then you went on to say that you actually were not expecting a relationship?

 

If you always knew that he may not want a relationship, then I supose it was a lesson learnt; do not get too atatched if you know you may not be able to be with them long term.

 

This situation sucks for you, he has gone and made you attatched to him through the time you had together, and now he just acting like a friend, as though it is so easy for you to adjust to it!

 

Stay away from him lol, you sill not enjoy just being " friends" with him, after the time you had together.

 

Gosh, I hope when I start to date again one day that I know what I am getting myself in to, and do not fall for guys unless I know they definitly want me in the same way.

[lostinlondon]

I was hoping it was progressing into a relationship...i told him what I thought he wanted to hear because I'm still hoping he's going to change his mind. I don't understand why the first thing he told me was "I haven't met anybody by the way". Well I will know after tonight I suppose.

[newdawn]

He's stringing you along - cut the string.

[Leigh 87]

Whatever great connection and time you guys had, if he does not want you as his girlfriend, cut all ties. It will not be pleasant if you keep incontact, jumping on the moments that give you hope - which could very well be false hope.

 

He is manipulating you, perhaps without intending to, by using the connection you guys have, to keep you "hanging" on, in case he decides to settle with you; that is nto to say he sees you as only worthy of " settling", but it is very clear that he wants to still exlore his options BEFORE "settling" with ANY one. PLEASE do not take it personally!

 

Some guys just hold out on settling, EVEN when they have a great connection with a girl! It is not because he feels you are not good enough, it is because he just is not ready to settle down yet.

 

CUT ALL CONTACT! You are clearly a very nice person, who cannot just deal with the emotional connection you guys had together; you will not be able to handle it if you guys keep in contact.

 

I bet it makes you sick thinking of him with another girl. SO unless he wants to be WITH you, he will have to be WITHOUT you at ALL in hislife, until you get over the feeling, until you CAN deal with him being with some one else. Which could take a good while.

 

But be patient and time will heal things. It is not want u want to hear I guess, it would be NICER and EASIER for him to just want you ina relationship so u can ressume your connection and fun and keep hold of those good feelings you have.

[tornandmarried]

sounds like theres something there....i have a feeling he said that because his head is still messed up from his failed marriage and hes not ready for a commitment yet...or he felt it was moving to fast and got scared, cuz he really does have feelings for you....i dont think he was a jerk about it tho, he ended it in a decent manner, not like he cheated or did it in a text or just disappeared, stuff like that...if u really want him back give him some space, let him miss u for a while..after all u was friends for several years who knows what the future holds

[whichwayisup]

Stop having sex with him and don't be affectionate anymore with him.

 

He isn't scared, he just isn't into getting serious with anybody. Him telling you there is noone else means he's keeping the door open. He wants flings, nothing serious, just light and fun.

 

Go shoot him and be professional, like you would be for any other gig you're shooting. Don't stick around for chitchat and hanging out after the show.

 

Are you getting paid for this or is it a favour?

[GooseChaser]

I think I'm in a similar situation as you, except you sound like you two are closer to each other than I am to my guy. I also don't see him as much, though I have a feeling we will start to see each other much more soon. We're just starting to get into a real involvement, and it's a bit exciting. I think there's some really good advice here and there have been some really good points made. It helps.

 

150 posts!