The detailed story of my girlfriend's affair. Warning; LONG

[Demonia]

Hi. This would be my first post here, and I'll warn you now, it's LONG!. Lucky me that it gets to be so cheerful.

 

Well, basically it's like this...

 

I've been with my girlfriend for nearly seven months. I know this is child's play compaired to some of these long term devoted relationships. It gets even worse because she and I are an online couple. We've met in real life, and I was planning to move out to where she is (not just to be with her, but also to get away from my current area. I hate it.) and we would live happily ever after.

 

Well, in mid-September, I found out that she had been cheating on me since we got together on August 9th. Her and the guy she was being intimate with (online as well) had a falling out, and only then did she tell me "I love you." A week or so afterwards, she told me about the affair. She told me she was sorry and that she wouldn't do it again. I forgave her right off the bat, even though it hurt.

 

It would have died there completely if it weren't for a few things.

 

First, I've been cheated on by previous exs. Not just one or two, though. Thirteen, including the current girlfriend. Only one person I ever dated hasn't cheated on me. I know this suggests maybe I have terrible taste, but I tended to be the only one they cheated on. Needless to say, I'm a little broken by now. I tend to have a bit of a complex thinking that I'm just not good enough, so they have to get someone on the side, though I'm not sure if it's true or not.

 

Secondly, she was in love with him. I dealt with this pretty much by becoming extremely aggressive and paranoid. I didn't know you could even be emotionally unfaithful until recentally, so naturally I thought that it was fine for her to continue spending all our time together with him. Now that I look back on those months, though, I see she was actually dating both of us at once, and I was too stupid to realize it.

 

All while this drama in September was going on - her coming clean and breaking off the sexual part of the affair led to the man going into a huge depressive stage which consumed all her time, thoughts, and energy when we were together - one of her friends became close friends with the man she was cheating on me with. This friend decided to try and make my girlfriend dump me for the adulterer. The friend even set it up so the adulterer could meet my girlfriend in real life before I could.

 

My girlfriend shared with me the conversations between her friend and herself about the visit and the friend trying to make her leave me for the guy. All through out their conversations, my girlfriend professed how she loved us both and how she couldn't leave me for him because we promised to be together. Not once did she say she was with me because she wanted to be with me more. Rather, the conversation had the tone of a martyr who was wasting away her chance of happiness by saving my wretched soul from loneliness. The thing that hurt most in this particular stage was that her friend said that the guy wanted to curl up with my girlfriend on the couch when he visited, and she said she wanted to too.

 

Finally, though, my girlfriend gets her friend off her back about trying to get her to dump me. At last we can be happy! After all, no sex equals not cheating. So she and the guy stay close (ie, she spent half the time during my visit which was only fourteen hours either thinking about him, or actually talking to him online).

 

Eventually, the guy starts stalking her, though she still refuses to admit that's what he was doing, and he started threatening me. I make a comment in my personal, online journal that I wished I could kill him for how much he had been jerking my girlfriend around emotionally (he kept saying that he would never talk to her again, then, surprise! He just has to say goodbye "one last time") and he makes a comment to it stating "not if I get to you first." I make plans to go to my girlfriend's, surprise surprise! He has to go there that exact same day for "one last goodbye." Of course, this one last goodbye involved him telling all his friends he was going to buy a gun.

 

Needless to say, I'm scared for my life.

 

My girlfriend, however, shook it all off by saying that he was just joking.

 

 

This was all October for me.

 

In November, or perhaps it was late October, he decides to impersonate me. He tells her friends that he's me and insults them viciously. My girlfriend finds out. She's furious, but he just says that he must have been drugged at a convention and she's wrapped back around his pinky.

 

By November, I tell her I can't handle it anymore. I tell her I know I promised to never do this to her, but she has to choose between never seeing or talking to him again, or me. She chooses me.

 

I don't know whether or not she kept to her promise for all this time, but everything went without incident for quite a while. Yes, we squabbled, and yes, we were more sensitive and tremerous. But I suppose that's just what happens after something like that.

 

In January, she had to go to her father's for a month, as she's not quite eighteen yet. But it was fine. We would talk on the phone every day, and every night, just before hanging up to go to bed, we would murmur "I love you" to one another.

 

Around the middle of January, though, I get some shocking news. My girlfriend went on a lunch date. With none other than the guy she cheated on me with. Needless to say, I'm furious. I didn't even find out from her, but rather her FRIEND! You remember her, right? The girl that wanted my girlfriend to leave me for him.

 

I call her up and demand she give me "one reason why I shoudln't hang up and never call back." She can't and we're both crying before half an hour's up. We don't want to break up, we really really don't. We love each other.

 

By this time, though, I know what an emotional affair is, and all I can do is tell her that she was cheating on me for a lot longer than a month, and I needed her to break contact with this man so that we could be happy together. So that I could have closure on that affair and get past it.

 

She disagrees. She doesn't think she was having an emotional affair, even though she told me when we decided she wouldn't see him ever again that she loves him just as much as she loves me. She agrees that she shouldn't have broken her promise, but then she goes on to say that she never should have made the promise in the first place. She tells me that she was just trying to fix things so we could all be friends.

 

Sidenote! This guy that she was cheating on me with and I already have a history. He got one of my boyfriends that I loved almost as much as my current girlfriend to cheat on my with him four years ago. Needless to say, I have made it obvious to her that he and I would never have anything but bad blood between us.

 

We talk for a long while, and we finally decide that I will give putting my trust in her one last try. I warn her that I will be scared to the point of jumpy. I warn her I will be very fragile, and gun shy. She says she can accept this.

 

Things go on for a few more months with only one incident in the past month, and that occurred the very next day when I realized that I wouldn't be able to visit the area that she met up with him in a long time, if ever, because being there would just remind of what she did, which she still insists was nothing more than lunch, and was only wrong because of the promise. Other than that, things are completely over with that little segment of our relationship, and we can resume trying to strengthen it and fix the damage that was done.

 

Now, please note that when I promised her my trust, she promised me she would never betray my trust by being near this man again, ever.

 

Just tonight I found out that she and him were in the same chatroom together. She says they didn't talk, but the fact remains that she promised she would never be around him again, and rather than just excusing herself and leaving chat, or just the room for that matter, she launches into this whole explanation on how all her friends were there and it's unfair for her to have to leave the room and her discussions because he's in there. She even goes on to explain how she can't even block him, so he can't talk to her because one of her friends is talking to him half the time he's in chat, and if she wants to understand what her friend is saying, she has to read what the man is saying. Please note, this is immediately after she says it's okay for them to be in the same room with him because she isn't even paying any attention to him.

 

I say that it doesn't matter about her friend who talks to the guy, or the discussions since she made a promise to never be around him ever again. Once more, she feels she did nothing wrong. She thinks being in the same chatroom with him shouldn't count, if the're not talking to one another. This all leads to me feeling like my feelings have been ignored and disresepcted terribly.

 

After a great many hours, we're teetering on the edge of breaking up. I want her to make amends for what she's done, but she still feels she hasn't done anything wrong. he's said that she won't see him anymore, and I've told her that's not enough, since she's made this promise before, and look where it got us. She had to leave at this point, and we haven't spoken since, but it seems like we really are going to break up.

 

Now for the questions.

 

Am I stupid to have forgiven her this many times? Should I even be with her if she can't understand the concept of emotional infidelity, let alone that she committed it? Is there even a chance of saving our relationship? If so, how can I make her understand how all of this hurts me? I know we don't have a chance if she can't even understand that much.

 

Even after all of this, I really don't want to break up with her. If she can't respect my feelings, though, I know there's no way for us to be with each other. I know it may sound stupid, but I still want to be with her.

 

I don't expect a miracle solution, but if we decide to try to stay together, to give it one last shot, how can we find the way back to being happy with all this bitterness? How can I learn to trust her again? How can she make amends? Is it wrong of me to actually want her to earn my trust back, rather than me just placing it in her again, blindly and no questions asked? Is it wrong of her to say that if I can't blindly put my faith in her again, then we might as well break up? What can she do to earn my trust again? What can I do to feel more comfortable trusting her?

 

Should I even bother trying to trust her again?

[befuddled11]

First of all, something in your post confused me. Are you a girl or a guy?

 

Secondly, I'm assuming you're near the age of this girlfriend, who you said is 18....and if you are around this age, let me tell ya, all this drama and chaos is silly. Find someone who you meet in person, to date...versus someone online. People you meet online, then date, the chances of them being less than truthful about all kinds of things is very high. For many, being able to meet people to date/sleep with, online....is like being a kid in the candy store....

 

You say you've been cheated on 13 times. Yes, that does say something about the kind of people you choose to be with....because that's way more than a coincidence. And you say that with all of them, you were the first/only person they ever cheated on..says who, them? I find that hard to believe.

 

I don't know why you call this other guy an "adulterer"......if anyone is to blame, it's your girlfriend. For all you know, for the longest time, he was likely being strung along by her, just as you were. He likely didn't even know that you existed.

 

I think you're far too young to have to be dealing with all this kind of dating/relationship drama. Frankly, it doesn't matter what age someone is, it's all pretty silly. Find yourself a nice girl who lives locally who you can communicate with in person.....versus meeting them online. It just makes it a lot easier.

 

Now this I don't understand:

 

"This guy that she was cheating on me with and I already have a history. He got one of my boyfriends that I loved almost as much as my current girlfriend to cheat on my with him four years ago. Needless to say, I have made it obvious to her that he and I would never have anything but bad blood between us. "

 

One of your "boyfriends" to "cheat on you" ??? So are you a guy or a girl? Bisexual? I originally assumed from your post that you were a guy, until reading this.

 

As for wanting to stay with this chick, what the heck is the point? There's far too much mistrust and drama. You're young. Go out and find yourself a nice person who you can trust.....life is too short, even at your age, to have to go through all this crap.

[Iamhappy]

I was going to post a lengthy reply, but Befuddled beat me to it.

 

My sentiments are the same. You're too young, too much drama. Just too much of everything.

 

Move on and find someone better.

[theedge]

I also got confused by the boyfriend thing. Didn't know if you meant a friend that is a guy or if you are bi. In any event, when your young online, long distance relationships are such a bad thing. I say you are best with cutting all contact, probably because you are not in the same area as this girl she has to fulfill needs that you can't with the distance.

For me personally, I vowed never to do a long distance relationship, other people are different. Just move on before more damage can be done, I am sure she will never stay faithful as long as you are away.

[Demonia]

To answer the gender question, I'm a female. As for the sexuality, I suppose I'm bisexual. I've dated both males and females before, but this girlfriend is the only one I've ever really felt sexually attracted to.

 

As for the age, I'm going to be twenty in a few weeks, and she's going to be eighteen in May.

 

Thank you for your opinions thus far. I don't really know if I have the strength to go through with it, though. I know that logic says I'll be better off in the long run and all, and that I shouldn't have to deal with this drama. I want to end it, but at the same time, I want...well..."us."

 

Sometimes you just need a third party to point stuff out to you. My friends have said the same things, but I thought they might just be saying it cause they've seen me with almost all the others. I'll be thining a lot more before she and I talk again, and I will be taking your words to heart.

[omi_neko]

Sidenote! This guy that she was cheating on me with and I already have a history. He got one of my boyfriends that I loved almost as much as my current girlfriend to cheat on my with him four years ago. Needless to say, I have made it obvious to her that he and I would never have anything but bad blood between us.

 

 

fyi- callen and I had been together since may of 00. it was august of 00 you two were together when I lost my isp for 2 weeks. in that case, I was the cheatee.

 

second- for a girl who pretends to be a boy and not want anyone in chatto to know about it... you're careless. I, however, am amused to no end. =^_^= thank you. tonight was the most amusement I've had all year.

[BiGuy]

If you question your feelings and question if you should forgive her, the you know deep inside what you should do. Personaly, I feel that if it was an understanding between you two, then fine for the imtimate relationship she had formed. But, if it is not a shared thing in the knowledge that it is happening, then it is cheating, plain and simple. It is communication that makes a couple,whether in a sexual manner or not. It is hard when the heart is involved, having someone deceive you in that manner, but you have to realise, that there is someone better out there for you, and they are wondering where you are at the same time. A relationship is from BOTH, and if one is lurking around behind the others back, well, the one lurking is using the other as a welcome mat. Still, it is YOUR choice on what to do. I am sure that you could get many different replies to your questions, but the final decsion is yours and yours alone. Like the friend attempting to pursued her to leave you for the other. It is still HER choice. It is hard to recover from such a betrayl of trust, but it is possible. She needs to rebuild the trust in you that she dishonored. Love is easy to say, but harder to show. Best of luck to you and I hope you can resolve the issues, either way, in accepting and forgiving, or letting go and moving on.