Is this sexual abuse?

[robaday]

Hi,

 

Ive never thought about it in this way but would like your input. When I was twelve I went to visit my Dad where he lived abroad. On my bday, he took me to a bar frequented by prostitutes (it's actually pretty normal where he lives, they populate pretty much all the bars).

 

Anyways whilst we wer sitting at the bar, he bought two a drink. Before long one was sitting on my lap and fondling me, and the other was kissing me. I know I didn't have sex with either, and it was in full view of rest of bar-i.e. I stayed fully clothed and so did they. He sat and watched and laughed with his friends. I felt ashamed of myself at the time and did for a long time after-nothing happened, but I remember just feeling immensely helpless.

 

In my teenage years I had massive shyness problem with women, something I only really overcame when I got to about 25. I always felt out of my depth, and particularly when it came to sex, I always felt helpless, and I dont mind admitting slightly ashamed. I actually experienced erectile dysfunction the first 10 or so times I tried to have sex, which further compouded the problem. I'm not sure if the ED was merely performance anxiety or actually a result of that first sexual experience? helplessness is really not a good driver of libido.

 

Is this sexual abuse?

[Feelin Frisky]

I'm not sure but it is certainly reprehensible for a father to toss his son to prostitutes at 12. He probably wanted to see you grow up faster than you were ready to and jumped the gun by exposing you to things you had not contract in. Does that amount to sexual abuse? If it bothers you and you're torn as to what your like might have been without this experience then it is sexual abuse by default but not necessarily by design. So yes.

[Tiberius]

Well I wouldnt say he had the intention to abuse you, but it was certainly too soon for you. Some other 12 year old guy might have enjoyed it.

 

Either way it isnt great parenting. Somebody should take the step torwards kinky of his own when he wants to.

[Green]

I thought I wrote a response to this saying. NO it was not sexual abuse. Seriously though it is Fcked up but no need to think of yourself as some one that was sexualy abused.

[Lovelybird]

What your father did was very wrong. You are right to feel very bad about it, and even felt traumatized by it.

 

Why did it so harmful? maybe because the mixed messages. One hand your father should be someone you adore and respect, but he brought you to a scene that lack of decency.

 

Sexuality is not about those things you encountered early in that scene, probably deep in your heart you know it is very wrong. And everytime you think of sex, you link it to that scene you disgust, probably this leads to ED? Sexuality is about intimacy between two adults who love each other, a secrecy shared only between two of you, thus sex is worthy of respect and adoration. It life up humanity not cheapen it like that scene you encourtered.

 

You can be healed though. first you should admit it is very wrong, and allow yourself feel anger toward your father, then try to understand this: your father may not know to bring up a son, he may be brought up this way. but you can break up the circle by gaining more understanding and forgiveness.

[jmsclayton]

Hi

 

sharing

 

Yes it is. The fact that it was unwanted among others is.

 

Judith

[Green]

Hi

 

sharing

 

Yes it is. The fact that it was unwanted among others is.

 

Judith

 

He never said it was unwanted, it sounded more like he was humilated by being laughed at in a bar.

 

If it means a lot to him to have this labeled as sexual abuse I suggest he go to a psychologist or what ever. Seriously I don't see there any good for himself to view it as sexual abuse because he kissed and was touched by a woman with his clothing on at a bar at 12.

[robaday]

Hi,

 

Thanks for your replies. I wouldn't dream of comparing myself to someone who has suffered some of the trauma on this board at all, and the label as such doesn't so much concern me as much as how long it took for me to develop confidence in my sexuality-I felt like a freak or outsider because I could barely talk to a woman without blushing or embarrassing myself.

 

It's only been the last three years of my life where I have really overcome these confidence issues and I guess a part of me will always be sad I wasn't able to experience things my friends did at a much younger age (I was about 24 when I finally lost my V). I had to take viagra because the ED had damaged my confidence so much (its all working fine now without any ED drugs)

 

My Dad was emotionally abusive to myself and my mother. Recent events in my life (finding out about another sibling he's fathered) have made me question who he is, and the impact his actions had on my youth......I am unsure of what "normal" father/son relationships are like and how they impact boys paths to manhood. All I know is I never felt good enough, tough enough, man enough, I was always "too soft", but having been raised in a household of women I am unsure if I could have been any other way.

 

It was unwanted-completely, to me at the time this was an adult world which I had no place in being in.

 

Thanks for your responses. Regarding therapy-I've been in the past, sadly I found myself carrying an awful lot of anger toward my parents, which I feel is unhealthy, I've forgiven his mistakes as a father (doing anything else would be counter-productive and allow me a scapegoat) instead Im just sorting through issues left over in my own head.

[soconfused01]

Well I'm not proclaiming to be an expert or anything but I would say yes. a 12 year old is a child, and you were in a position of vulnerability, not just because of your age, but because you were with a caretaker I assume you trusted and looked up to who was allowing something very wrong to take place. I wonder if people's reactions would be different if the OP was a girl and as a 12 year old had been fondled by a male prostitute while a parent watched and encouraged.

 

Anyways, best of luck OP with figuring out how to move past this and good job on the progress you've already made :-)

[LuckyLady13]

I had to think about this and I realized something. At first I just thought it was wrong and not abuse but on second thought, if a woman such as a school teacher, aunt or neighbor had randomly done something like what the prostitutes did, it would be considered molestation of a child. It's thought of differently because his father brought him into this situation but if is father were removed from the situation, it's abuse or in the least molestation?

 

I'm having a hard time with the idea that the prostitutes themselves were okay with doing something like this. Having sex with grown men for money is one thing but fondling a 12 year old???

 

I understand why you'd feel the way you did for a long time with women in a sexual context because your first experiences in a sexual manner should've been your own choice when you were ready and WILLING but the way your dad went about this, it was something done TO YOU.

 

This was wrong on more levels than I originally thought. At least you know now that having sex with a woman or allowing her to touch you in a sexual way is your choice and you're not helpless anymore. Now you're grown...and it's up to you what happens.

[D-Lish]

It was most definitely sexual abuse- the fact that your father sanctioned/encouraged it is reprehensible. I think some people may tend to minimize this because you are a guy. Imagine if you were a girl and your parent took you to a bar and paid men to put their hands on you... People here saying it's not sexual abuse wouldn't be making the same distinction if you were a female.

 

I think you've convinced yourself that it shouldn't be a big deal because you're a male. Such a thing shouldn't be minimized, it's a traumatic experience.

[Slugcat]

i think it is a form of sexual abuse.

 

Turn it around like others say.

 

If a young girl that age was taken into a bar by her father or mother and men gropped her while the parent laughed.... that would be considered abuse.

 

What the women did was abuse and what the parent did was also in my opinion.

 

A child cannot get up and leave a situation like that and it doesnt matter what gender the child is, being a boy doesnt make it less horrible.

Edited November 19, 2010 by Slugcat