i'm pretty sure my dad is cheating..

[wtfdoido]

my dad is almost definitely cheating. a few months ago i noticed in our house computer's history some porn .... and a website for swingers and for affairs. it wasn't in the history, but in the top websites.

i didn't say anything until one day i basically left my house and he caught me and i broke down crying explaining what i saw.

he of course denied even seeing it. he said the computer had weird viruses and whatever and the next morning when i checked, he changed the set up of that computer so his top sites don't show up anymore and he deletes his history.

i ignored it cuz it's not even worth it to complain and be shut down.

my dad always takes my phone and lap top and my brother's phone away at night just to be an ass so we're not on them all night.

maybe i'm being intense but i think he takes our things because he thinks we are hiding things the way he is, kind of hypocritical one might say but it seems psychologically sound.

last night when he took my brother's phone, my brother said to me that he had **** on my dad and would one day say it if he made him mad enough. i asked what it was and he told me that he saw those things pop up on my dad's laptop history now.

i broke down crying cuz he's only 13 and i didn't know he knew and didn't want him to know of course.

my mom saw me and wouldn't leave me alone to know what was wrong and kept asking if it was my boyfriend or school and it kills me that i can't just say something.

i'm graduating hs this year but my brother is younger and i wouldn't want to screw his life up saying something to my mom now and getting my parents in to some big deal while he's still in the house.

but i know it's only going to get worse and i really don't even know how to tell my mom because i don't want to see her hurt.

what do i do? =/

[worlybear]

My son (then 20) heard my STBXH on the phone arranging to meet up with OW. He has always regretted not speaking out. Whatever you decide, remember that your father's (and mother's)decisions are out of your hands. Don't beat yourself up.:bunny:

[turnera]

I try to teach my daughter (20) to always be honest. It works with your parents, too. If you were your mom, wouldn't you want to know?

[Alexanda]

You should tell your mom what you saw. When I found out my dad cheated on my mom I told her right away. He would always cheat on her when she went out of town. One of her friends even some him out with another woman one of the times he went out with another woman. TELL YOUR MOM!

[spiderowl]

I really feel for you because this is an awful position to be in.

 

The fact that those sites were on the family computer doesn't mean that (a) your dad put them there, or (b) he was actually cheating. If he had put them there (and it seems likely from what you and your brother thought), then he may just have been browsing, not actually doing anything more. I know that's not a good thing to find out but you can't assume he's acting. Plenty of people play around online and fantasise but would probably never act.

 

Having said the above, what if he were? If I were your mum, I'd want to know if you suspected anything and had noticed the sites. I might wonder why you hadn't said anything but, being a grown up, I'd realise that you were in an impossible position. I'd want to know in case what you'd found tied in with anything I'd noticed or felt about him recently and also, perhaps, to reassure you that none of this is your fault. If he was cheating, I'd want to know and I wouldn't be blaming you.

 

So, on balance I'd want to know if you suspected anything. But, how do you think your mum would react? She'll probably be upset. Will she keep quiet about how she found out? If she is likely to blurt things out to your dad, then you need to think carefully about this. What kind of man is he? Is he prone to anger or violence? I would hate to think you would be getting into a difficult position with him if he knew you'd told on him. If you do decide to tell your mum, then please request first of all that she keep it to herself how she found out. Even if you don't care whether he knows you said something or not, you want to avoid being dragged into the middle of this. If your dad is guilty of cheating, then he may well deny it and consciously or unconsciously try to deflect the fallout away from him and onto you.

 

I know I haven't really said yes or no. Only you can come to that conclusion about whether it is the right thing for you to do. If you can trust your mum to keep you out of it, then I'm sure she will handle this as best she can. Good luck whatever you decide.

Edited September 22, 2010 by spiderowl

[FanFan]

i'm graduating hs this year but my brother is younger and i wouldn't want to screw his life up saying something to my mom now and getting my parents in to some big deal while he's still in the house.

but i know it's only going to get worse and i really don't even know how to tell my mom because i don't want to see her hurt.

what do i do? =/

 

Would you rather not tell your mom and few weeks later find out that your dad gave your mom some STD or HIV?

 

It's your obligation to tell the truth to prevent your mom being fooled and hurt even more in the process. You're an accessory to this crime now by being silent.

[lilbunny]

Would you rather not tell your mom and few weeks later find out that your dad gave your mom some STD or HIV?

 

It's your obligation to tell the truth to prevent your mom being fooled and hurt even more in the process. You're an accessory to this crime now by being silent.

 

I don't think placing this kind of pressure and guilt onto a child is in any way appropriate or fair, particularly when you take into account this applies to a 13 year old by your logic.

 

OP- This is a very difficult situation to be in. Is there another adult you could talk to about this, such as another relative, perhaps someone on your mum's side of the family such as a grandparent or aunt. I don't think it is fair to burden yourself with the task of making the choice to reveal what you know to the other parent. It is very likely that adult may approach your father, mother or both, but you are not doing this directly.

It is important you and your brother are supported and have someone to talk to about this outside, without feeling like you are taking sides.

 

As other posters have pointed out, browsing does not necessarily mean he has taken any action, it does not even mean he plans to.

 

Bottling this up is not good for you and your brother, so I have posted with this in mind and with concern for your welfare, rather than the perspective of your parents' marriage.

 

((hugs)) this must be so hard for you. I hope it is resolved as soon as possible.

[Tayla]

17 days from the original post date..and no sign of the poster...with one post to their credit...Hmmm...wonder if they were sincere?

[FanFan]

I don't think placing this kind of pressure and guilt onto a child is in any way appropriate or fair, particularly when you take into account this applies to a 13 year old by your logic.

 

OP- This is a very difficult situation to be in. Is there another adult you could talk to about this, such as another relative, perhaps someone on your mum's side of the family such as a grandparent or aunt. I don't think it is fair to burden yourself with the task of making the choice to reveal what you know to the other parent. It is very likely that adult may approach your father, mother or both, but you are not doing this directly.

It is important you and your brother are supported and have someone to talk to about this outside, without feeling like you are taking sides.

 

As other posters have pointed out, browsing does not necessarily mean he has taken any action, it does not even mean he plans to.

 

Bottling this up is not good for you and your brother, so I have posted with this in mind and with concern for your welfare, rather than the perspective of your parents' marriage.

 

((hugs)) this must be so hard for you. I hope it is resolved as soon as possible.

 

The original poster is not 13, but an adult or almost an adult.

[lilbunny]

The original poster is not 13, but an adult or almost an adult.

 

Her brother is though and is in exactly the same position. You are shouldering blame on a school girl for being an accessory to an affair that may not have even happened. That is not constructive, kind or appropriate advice.

 

I hope that if this is genuine then they have resolved the situation.

[LoveAintEverything]

I think the best thing for you to do is to just tell your mom what you and your brother saw.

[sweetmeet4u]

Okay first of all never take what your parents do as something you created or caused. I have a few questions first.

 

Is the computer a computer that the entire family uses?

 

And is this the same computer that is taken from you at night?

 

Now, have you taken into consideration that your Mother and Father may be going to these ADULT web sites together? And if they aren't then I have to say that your Mother knows hes doing this already. Because women know these things trust me. God gave woman this amazing ability to nose out when something is amiss with those they love.

 

IF!!!! you are wise you will allow this matter to be left in the hands of thee adults. Just because you seen what you seen does not imply that your Dad is cheating. And if you tell your Mom and it is not true then what?

 

I am a 47 year old woman whose been there and done that. Please listen to me. I'm only telling you this cause I care okay?