namnatas Posted February 22, 2004 Share Posted February 22, 2004 Hello, I am new to this site. I really need to talk to someone about this and I don't feel comfortable talking to any of my friends about it. Back during the spring while my wife was working out of town she had an affair with another man. Up until the point that i caught her in this I had complete trust that she would never do anything like that. I ended up taking a lot of the responsability for her affair and she ended all contact with the guy. Now then she has started a new job in a near-by city. The last few weeks she has started to show the same behavours that she had before I started checking up on her before. There have also been more than few times she has been home late from work. The last time i caught her by e-mails and I think she is smart enogh to know that I can still check up on her that way. I have started poking around a little and found that she is registered on a swingers website. She has also been spending some time in chatrooms. I guess my big question is.... Am I just being paranoid and having trust issues or could there be something going on again? Thanks Cyd Link to post Share on other sites
BabyGirl Posted February 22, 2004 Share Posted February 22, 2004 Why did you take on responsiblity for her previous affair? People have freedom of choice...if there were problems in your marriage, she could have discussed her feelings with you, or suggested counseling. Come right out and confront her with what you know about the chatrooms, and the swinger website. Ask her what she wants out of the relationship with you. By the way............welcome to LS! Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted February 22, 2004 Share Posted February 22, 2004 I hate to say it, but trust your gut. From what you've written, I don't get a sense that you're just being paranoid or overly-suspicious. There is definitely cause for concern that your wife is signed up on a Swingers site. What would be the logical explanation for that? Can you think of one? Have you and she ever talked about Swinging or a curiosity in same? If not, then what's she up to? She has a new job in a nearby city. Was it her choice to (I assume) leave the current job she had (I'm assuming it was in the city you live in) get a new job? Was it a better opportunity, career-wise, or does it simply provide her with the ability to have more freedom? What's she doing in chat rooms? As far as I'm concerned, and this may be an unpopular view, but I don't think married people should be spending time in chat rooms. First of all, I think it's lame to spend time (life is short) yapping with a bunch of strangers when there's likely other more productive things to be doing...and secondly, chat rooms are almost always filled with predators who are looking for someone.....someone who's not happy in their marriage, someone who could easily be swept off their feet with sweet words and crap. Years ago, when I first got onto the Internet, I started out in chatrooms...and I'll tell you, it was quite pathetic. Tons of married people in there, flirting it up with others........people actually having cyberaffairs..then meeting up in real life...people leaving their husbands and wives and children, all to be with some loser they met in a chatroom. What KIND of chatrooms is she going to? Is there a theme to them? Do you have children? How long have you been married? You mentioned that with her previous affair, you ended up taking a lot of the responsibility for it..what do you mean by that?? Did SHE take any of the responsibility for the choice she made to go outside of the marriage to get whatever it was she felt she needed/was missing? Did she express true and sincere remorse for having had the affair? Did you both go for any kind of marriage counselling? I say if you get a sense or a vibe that she's repeating past behaviors that occured when she was cheating before, you're probably on target. Trust your instinct. Is this any way to live? You should be able to trust your spouse. If you can't, then what do you have? Life is far too short to spend it with someone you can't trust. Link to post Share on other sites
Benedict Posted February 22, 2004 Share Posted February 22, 2004 ... she's exhibiting more of the same behavior? Wow. Here's my advice, FWIW... Check up on her. Whatever it takes. Get an investigator; do whatever. You need to know now. Before you have a family to worry about. JC! Do you want to spend the rest of your marriage wondering? I am assuming that by the absence of any mention of children, you do not have any. I may, of course, be wrong. If there kids involved, the question becomes obviously more complex... Link to post Share on other sites
LiYojeria Posted February 26, 2004 Share Posted February 26, 2004 Once again, I'll say what I've said to others. Affairs happen for a reason. Find the reason with a marriage counselor. Maybe it's because she's a Thrill seeker, or a bad sex life, not in love anymore, mid-life crisis. I don't know. Find the reason, and if it can't be worked out, MOVE ON!! Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted February 27, 2004 Share Posted February 27, 2004 Don't take responsibility for her behavior. She cheated for her own reasons. A person who blames your appearance, sexuality, or personality for their affair after being caught just can't be an adult and accept responsibility. Check up on her all you want, but you need to ask yourself, if you find out she's cheating on you again, do you want to attempt to save this marriage or get a divorce? It's up to you. Link to post Share on other sites
latesleeper Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 namnatas, i understand how you feel you can't talk to your friends. but luckily there's this site! anyways, i think you have every reason to feel as you do. you sound like you want to trust your wife but you don't and it's making you feel guilty. that makes me think you really want to work on this relationship. you definitely need to communicate your fears and questions to her, but put them in a "I feel..." sort of way (less accusatory). this is upsetting you and worrying you, and it's very valid to ask for help from your spouse about it. total honesty -- hard for her and you, but in the long run, the only way to go. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
sylviaguardian Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 Namnatas, I am sorry to say this but the poster who said trust your gut instinct was right. If you feel that something is going on..usually there is. I would dig very hard to get some proof and then sit down with your wife and discuss it. I am not sure WHY you took the blame for the A but it sounds like your wife has taken that to mean that it's OK to continue. sorry if this is not very positive but it sounds like you need to find out where you stand. Good luck, Syl Link to post Share on other sites
nyr_fan Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 Namnatas...I agree with everyone else. I would bet anything something is going on with your wife. If the signs are there, they are there for a reason. My wife cheated on me recently after 13 faithful years. All the signs were there, and even though deep down I knew something was going on, I subconsciously tried to convince myself it was in my head. I hate to say it, but dont beleive your wife if she tells you different. If your gut tells you something aint right, it aint right! I trusted my wife 100% up until her affair. She has moved out to stay with her mom, and eventually we will probably divorce. Just when you think you know someone, you find out you dont. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 Hello, Lets see what we have here: 1) she sexually cheats on you and puts your health at risk for STD's while she conducts an affair behind your back 2) she has a new job and travels and shows all of the behavior that happened during the previous affair 3) she has signed up on a cheaters website Your would have to be in big time denial not to realize that she is probably cheating now or actively seeking out someone else at this time. You forgave her once but it is pretty clear she wishes to continue this behavior. Are you going to wait until she gives you an STD? It is time to check out an attorney to protect yourself. It sounds like you really do not have much of a marriage now and your wife is acting out like a single woman. How much more disrespect and humiliation do you wish to endure? Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 I ended up taking a lot of the responsability for her affair Right this is a HUGE red flag that her affairs are going to continue. NOTHING you did is an excuse for what she's done and is doing. Give her the ultamatium, either marriage counselor or it's over. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 Namnatas posted 16 months ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts