Kell_girl Posted September 11, 2010 Share Posted September 11, 2010 hey all, im new here but i thought i would come to you all for some help/support as this past week has been amazingly difficult. so here's my situation, im 26, he is 19. i know, usually i never date younger guys, but sometimes you can't help who you fall for. we met 2-3 months back, which isn't long. everything was perfect, we got super close, super fast and talked about him relocating to where i live so that we could possibly be more a real life couple(not that he would move in with me, but just live in the same city). some stuff happened, and his plans for relocating had to be delayed, and i guess i got bummed and pushed it(mistake, right?). either way, when i pushed it, he broke up with me, even tho the previous day he was talking about how he wants to wake up next to me and whatnot. i know he got scared and i pushed him away with all the commitment talk, but after that, we talked and i cried and tried to get him to change his mind. i promised not to make him commit and lets just get to know each other etc(bc truly i dont want to get married to him yet anyway, i just want to know that he wont make me wait 5 yrs till he's ready, but i would give it a few yrs). but he wouldn't budge, his mind was set. he said he wasn't 'ready for a relationship or ready to be a part of a half'. i told him i wasn't looking for marriage and that truthfully, i never would have held him back from doing anything, ie living with roommates, going to college, etc. that we could just be dating until he was ready to commit, i figured i would give it a few years. but he didn't want that. he was and has been super insistent that he is not ready for a relationship. i understand that he is young and needs to experience life still, but i would never have stopped him from that. people can do all those things while still keeping a girlfriend, right? he says the reason that he doesn't want to be with me, is because he knows within a few years that if he were with me, he could be ready to marry me but he just doesn't want that in his life yet. he says giving me up is something he knows he will regret but he is not ready for a relationship. is it all just a lie? does he just not like me? he's really not the player type, but i mean what is going on? we decided to be friends (and being friends is something he REALLY wants, just not a relatiosnhip), but its been really hard on me because i dont know if he just likes being friends with me or wants to keep me around as a fallback. but i had to be friends with him, because stopping talking to him all together was just impossible for me, and i need time letting go. i take my time in letting go of things but i like him, and slowly i guess over time i hope i can move on, but i dont know. im struggling so hard with this, because i felt we shared something so special. i know he felt that too, but he still doesn't want to try. i mean, correct me if im wrong, but if a guy wants to be with a girl, they will be with that girl right? doesn't matter whats happened in the past etc, they will be with that girl cuz they want to, right? i dont know what to do. i wish i were strong enough to just walk away and be okay being me, but honest to God, i miss him so much and its just too hard for me to do that right now. if i stay a fun friend with him, do you think he will come around and realize how fun and cool it is to be around me? or will just being a friend fulfill what he wants out of us and he will never view me romantically again? did he just get scared because i pushed too much? sorry for the length, but i appreciate any help. thank you all so much. Link to post Share on other sites
madjac74 Posted September 11, 2010 Share Posted September 11, 2010 So did you guys meet in person? Because Im not too familiar wih how it works when your relationship starts online but when people meet first in real the early part of a relationship is all exciting and physical and everything is new...kinda like a fling. So to say you are considering marriage after 2-3 months is silly and would probably scare anyone away. Especially with a 19 yr old who probably has no idea what he wants, no maturity and is just enjoying the moment and telling you things you want to hear. I think you should move on now when you barely have anything invested in this relationship and find yourself a man... not a boy. Just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Romance Posted September 12, 2010 Share Posted September 12, 2010 It seems kinda like he just doesn't want to do it. You do have a rather significant age difference. My bf is 23 and Im 20 and our difference almost seems pretty important at this stage in our lives. with college and such. Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted September 12, 2010 Share Posted September 12, 2010 (edited) I can tell you maybe he did get scared being pressured or hurried into a whole new life at age 19 you're first JUST learning how to be an adult , 3 months being together isn't a very long time he prolly has a lot of worrys, family, friends, school he may move there and decide its not the life he expected or wanted. Does a 19 year old know what they want in life yet? I am 24 dating a 20 year old and I can tell you... while I am ready to be married and start a life with someone permanently my bf is so not. So I have to be patient I have to be understanding I continue with the flow of things and hope for the future. You say you're 26 and hes 19 and you don't wanna wait 5 years to get married, 5 years from now he would be 25 that's a young age to be married still imo. Sometimes age difference sucks in a relationship the gaps harder to pull through then when you're much older if you guys get back together you'll have to decide if you love this man enough and wait till hes ready or move on and find someone else that will work better for you it seems you're ready to settle down. Edited September 12, 2010 by Omei Link to post Share on other sites
carvidep Posted September 12, 2010 Share Posted September 12, 2010 I remember telling my ex that I loved him after 3 months, and that alone scared the crap out of him. So yeah, I think your SO is scared and pulling away. How well can you know each other after just a few months? There's things I'm finally just now learning about my current SO and we've been together for a year and a half. I don't think you should try to push him any further. If he wants out, then let him go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kell_girl Posted September 12, 2010 Author Share Posted September 12, 2010 (edited) thank you all so much for the responses. we haven't actually met in person(we've just video skyped), we were planning to, but haven't just yet. now as friends, i dont know that that will happen anymore. i really doubt it. i wouldn't mind meeting him, i would actually really like to, but i dont think he will spend the money/time to come fly down to meet a 'friend'. :-/ i can't say that i love him and we never said that to each other, since it's so soon in the relationship. i just pushed a chance for us to try and be a real life couple instead of online, and i understand that he wasn't ready for that yet and i think that helped him solidify his decision that he doesn't want a relationship/committment right now. i guess i shouldn't have pushed, because at this point, i know even im not ready to be committed to him, only knowing him for such a little period of time. that's my mistake and i regret it a lot, but who knows, perhaps even if i didnt push it, maybe we would have still ended up here 1 yr later? idk. right now, we have chosen to be friends, which is pretty hard, just because i like him still, but im not ready to let go of talking to him entirely just yet, so we're friends for now. its been pretty hard for me, and im guessing its been hard for him somewhat too. i don't mind waiting for him to figure out his life(i think i just got momentarily crazy when i pushed him), but i think its too late for us to go back to that. he seems pretty set in his decision of not wanting a relationship, but i can tell he still cares about me to some degree and definitely wants to remain friends. is he just being nice or would we ever be more? maybe some distance will help him realize what he's missing, but im afraid he'll just move on with distance? i know the age gap makes things hard, which is why i never date guys with such a big age gap. i never wanted to date him for that reason in the beginning and i said no many times, he just pushed it and told me to take a risk. and eventually we liked each other, sometimes u cant help who u end up liking, unfortunately. if i could take it back, i would, because i wouldn't be going through such a difficult time now. i just regret pushing him so much(idk why i get so crazy), maybe if i hadn't, we wouldn't be here today. Edited September 12, 2010 by Kell_girl Link to post Share on other sites
Romance Posted September 12, 2010 Share Posted September 12, 2010 Don't feel bad i'm sure you didn't push him too hard! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kell_girl Posted September 13, 2010 Author Share Posted September 13, 2010 can you tell him that? =/ Link to post Share on other sites
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