Mag-Lone-Freak Posted September 11, 2010 Share Posted September 11, 2010 My bf's been a smoker/drug user for 10 years, he's recently been in jail for 20 days writing me letters of apologies for hurting and neglecting me because of it, feeling regretful, how I was right, and how GREAT he feels being sober, so much he never wants to do it again promising he won't. He got released 5 days ago, unfortunately he went back to smoking right away, then the second day being out relapsed on the rest.. I'm fed up and immensely hurt, I want to move with him some place else outside of the city... He doesn't want to go to rehab...We've been together for 15 months, and its been 15 months of promising to quit..Jail seemed to be a good opportunity for him to quit, but went back to same old. I don't know what to do... I'm not myself:( Link to post Share on other sites
Cee Posted September 11, 2010 Share Posted September 11, 2010 Your boyfriend isn't the only one with an addiction. You have been in a 15 month codependent relationship with him. I suggest you check out Nar Anon or Al Anon and go to meetings. Recovery isn't easy, but there's probably more hope for you than him. Or maybe not. At least he admits he has a problem. You haven't. I should mention that you enabling him with money & support while he's an active user is not good for him. It feeds his addiction. You aren't the victim in this situation, you are also causing harm. I had to give this to you straight. I know addiction well & I watched people die and destroy their lives from it. This is serious business. Link to post Share on other sites
You Go Girl Posted September 12, 2010 Share Posted September 12, 2010 Cee is talking about how you are a codependent. What that is, is that you are a part of the vicious cycle, and that it affects you terribly until you spend your days worrying about his problem, instead of addressing your own life. It's very common, and you can destroy your life worrying about his, and neglecting your own responsibilities and issues. Reclaim your life. Go to nar anon. You're not helping him or yourself right now, do you see that? I'm sorry he has relapsed and let you down. It's because jail doesn't fix an addict, it only postpones their behavior temporarily. He needs to address his issues. Remember that the real issues aren't the drugs, the issues are the reason for using the drugs. So AFTER he's off the drugs, the real work begins. THat means finally addressing the psychological reasons he became an addict in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveAintEverything Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 I am thinking you can do a lot better. I know how hard it is, but you need to think of just YOU in this situation Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted November 10, 2010 Share Posted November 10, 2010 Re-locating HELPS, but it does not do it all. There are drug dealers EVERYWHERE, even out in the most remote areas. If he wants to get drugs he will find a way to do it! If he doesn't want to quit (which it's obvious he doesn't, otherwise he'd go to rehab), then moving is not going to be the solution. It's been my experience, that when addicts "promise" or "guarantee" they will never use again, they are not ready to quit. Nobody can ever guarantee they won't use again! I agree that you should go to Nar Anon. They can provide you with some good support and information. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted November 10, 2010 Share Posted November 10, 2010 yup changing- people,places and things....how that brings back memories...til finally one day...I was with people, in places and doing things that I never could have written for my goals in life.... He has an illness...its his to start healing from..... Al anon or nar-anon is certainly a starting point....for friends/family of the active addict.... As the one jokes go...How can you tell an addict is lying? His lips are moving.... How can you tell someone is in recovery? They stop talking and start doing..(and that is no joke) Link to post Share on other sites
Trinity2 Posted November 10, 2010 Share Posted November 10, 2010 yup changing- people,places and things....how that brings back memories...til finally one day...I was with people, in places and doing things that I never could have written for my goals in life.... He has an illness...its his to start healing from..... Al anon or nar-anon is certainly a starting point....for friends/family of the active addict.... As the one jokes go...How can you tell an addict is lying? His lips are moving.... How can you tell someone is in recovery? They stop talking and start doing..(and that is no joke) You can change all the people, places and things you want, but you take yourself with you where ever you go. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted November 12, 2010 Share Posted November 12, 2010 You can change all the people, places and things you want, but you take yourself with you where ever you go. So true!! Reminds me of the Lame Ad for Las Vegas, What happens in Vegas stays there....It goes where you go...no matter where that may be...you cant run away from your history or hide it... I hope the OP understands there is support out there when enduring or choosing to stay with an ill person..... Link to post Share on other sites
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