Ugh, feel used... :(

[shadowplay]

I wrote this in another thread, but decided to start a new one.

 

I made a huge mistake and slept with this guy. I haven't heard from him since, and he didn't respond to the two texts I sent. I feel predictably used and awful.

 

I thought I could have sex without developing feelings, but I was wrong. The truth is I only can with certain guys.

 

I'm feeling pretty fragile right now, so please be sensitive in your responses. I know I made a big mistake. I think I"m done with online dating.

 

Here's what happened. On Thursday night we had our second date (dinner and movie). We met on OKC a month and a half ago, but have been talking a bunch since then. Long messages and correspondence. He was more nerdy and awkward then I remembered, almost a bit Aspergers-y, like emotionally detached. I had a bit to drink before the date, so things went pretty smoothly for the first half. After the movie, my buzz faded, and I felt extremely nervous and shy as we strolled around town (his suggestion). I was afraid he wasn't going to invite me back to his place like he did last time, that he had decided he didn't like me. This anxiety clammed me up. But he did.

 

At the time I wasn't sure if having sex was the right choice, but one thing led to another. I was very attracted to him (he had an amazing body, and he's very smart), and it was nice, but also a bit awkward since we didn't know each other well. I've never had sex so early on before, and now I understand why most women don't.

 

I did a few really stupid things. When we got into his room, and were touching each other without our clothes in his bed, I said, "I don't know if I want to go any further right now." He said, "OK" but sounded disappointed. Then I realized how blockheaded this was, since I would come off as a huge tease. So a few minutes later while we were kissing more I said, "do you have a condom?" He said he did in his dresser, and I said "maybe we can for just a bit." WTF? I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I felt obliged to have sex at that point, but I wanted to get to the after sex part, the part I really like where you cuddle because it's more emotionally connected. So we had sex for a little while, and then I got off of him and said, "can we stop for a bit?" We cuddled for a long time then fell asleep. He was very gentle, and seemed to want to hold me as he slept. I started having feelings for him because of this. After awhile, I told him I couldn't sleep with him holding me (which is true). I woke up at six in the morning and touched his back and he turned around and held and kissed me some more.

 

I don't know why, but I decided I should leave, so I kissed him goodbye (he was still in bed). Then I sent him a text as I left that said "I had a really nice time." He never responded. At 3 that afternoon I sent him another that said, "hey what's up." Usually, I wouldn't have done this, but I knew there was a possibility he didn't get the first text because the day before he told me that he hadn't gotten a few of my texts because sometimes his phone "freaks out." He didn't respond to the second text, and that was yesterday. Then just now (it's the afternoon) he logged on to aim, and he didn't message me. Eventually he changed his message to away.

 

Yup. I guess I'm still pretty surprised he used me. I know a lot of guys do that, but somehow he didn't seem the type -- being more reflective, shy and nerdy. Also, we spent so much time getting to know each other before the first date, talked about favorite books, hobbies, sent long messages back and forth. The night before our second date we had a long im conversation in which we talked about playing scrabble together some time soon.

 

I'll admit this really hurts. I wouldn't have cared had we not had sex. But it stings that he didn't even have the consideration to send me a polite email saying he was no longer interested. Also, I felt pretty close to him after the sex. It's kind of an awful feeling.

 

I woke up this morning feeling sick, and on the verge of throwing up.

 

Never again...

[GooseChaser]

There are other fish in the sea, Shadowplay! You can find someone great! Don't beat yourself up over this. It just goes to show it wasn't meant to be. Better to find out sooner rather than later.

[Mad Max]

Whenever females are debating whether to sleep with a guy, I always tell them to wait. Waiting never killed anyone, but sleeping with someone too soon can have a damaging effect. Use this as a life lesson and move on.

 

 

In this situation, you only made one error: Letting your emotions get the better of you and not thinking logically. Sex and emotions usually can't be seperated, especially for women.

[atlnay]

I don't see where you were used. You knew him for a while, wanted to go back to his place, no where did you state he acted or said anything negative if you guys didn't bang, you said it was nice, you got your cuddle on & some AM kisses...how were you used?

[Knittress]

I'm sorry. What a total dickhead.

[Mad Max]

I don't see where you were used. You knew him for a while, wanted to go back to his place, no where did you state he acted or said anything negative if you guys didn't bang, you said it was nice, you got your cuddle on & some AM kisses...how were you used?

 

 

Because she knew deep down he only wanted one thing. That's why she felt used.

[MrNate]

Man, oh man. Well if anything positive has come from this, is that you know you are not a person who can sleep with someone on the same date. Also, now you know just how far some men will go to get sex. A lot of them will tell you exactly what you want to hear if it'll get them closer to what they want.

 

This kind of goes back to what I said earlier, humans are too dynamic to assume anything, no matter what they look/act like. It's always best to be realistic, instead of being idealistic. I think this applies even more so for women, because men rarely, if ever, have to be concerned about being used for sex.

 

So I guess this is another example of why most women wait a few dates...to avoid these kind of scenarios. So I guess the solution here is to simply, wait. Men (and women) can hide there true intentions for quite some time..and very effectively at that.

[a_woman]

you shouldn't write dating off, just must make sure you get to know the other person better first. Online chit-chat doesn't count, only personal contact does. Next time make sure you have the measure of someone before you get involved this much. You just need to practice, ie date more.

[GooseChaser]

This kind of goes back to what I said earlier, humans are too dynamic to assume anything, no matter what they look/act like. It's always best to be realistic, instead of being idealistic. I think this applies even more so for women, because men rarely, if ever, have to be concerned about being used for sex.

 

Why is it less common for a man to feel used for sex? Men don't place as much importance or emotion into it, but just enjoy the experience? Do women do the opposite and just take it more personally? Seems like we're very emotional creatures.

[ohchic05]

Well I met a new guy and I am going on the 1st date tonight! I hope is goes well... anyone have some good tips??? I have been on many dates before, but I feel like this one is different... for the better!!!!

[GooseChaser]

Also, Shadowplay, always be sure that you are ready for sex with someone before jumping into it. It's like waiting for the right time to have sex for the first time. You shouldn't feel pressured to do it, but rather, feel comfortable with the idea and think it through beforehand so that you know you're okay with it. Then, you will have less or no regrets.

[WalkingtheAbyss]

You asked for gentle replies and i will try but sorry if this gets miss understood.

 

You say you feel used. I have to agree that there is nothing that you say that leads me to that conclusion. You state your self that he seemed a little geeky/wierd yet continued dating him. On your date you hoped he would invite you back as he had the previous time. You both got naked and in bed and the conversation of sex came up of which you declined originally. You then gave into the desire and offer "a little sex" after which you cuddled up and feel asleep.

 

Has it not occurred to you that maybe its your hesitancy and confidence levels that have made him think twice about your relationship or maybe the fact that he read you wrong when you first climbed into bed naked thinking it was you who wanted sex, then changed your mind, then changed your mind again. Give it a day or so and call him. Dont text, dont email, pick up your phone and actually ring him. Maybe then you can actually discuss what happened and hopefully get over the being used feelings.

[GooseChaser]

Well I met a new guy and I am going on the 1st date tonight! I hope is goes well... anyone have some good tips??? I have been on many dates before, but I feel like this one is different... for the better!!!!

 

Enjoy yourself! Smile, laugh, and show him you enjoy his company! Having good conversations is good too! Don't stress about it, but just let things proceed naturally.

[MrNate]

Why is it less common for a man to feel used for sex? Men don't place as much importance or emotion into it, but just enjoy the experience? Do women do the opposite and just take it more personally? Seems like we're very emotional creatures.

 

Not necessarily saying that. But, we men are soaked in testosterone. Obtaining sex is a deep, deep drive for us. I guess the reason why i say we rarely worrying about being used in that sense, is because the drive is so strong, I don't think we necessarily put that much value into it emotionally.

 

And as always, this does not apply to every male. Because we all are different.

[GooseChaser]

Not necessarily saying that. But, we men are soaked in testosterone. Obtaining sex is a deep, deep drive for us. I guess the reason why i say we rarely worrying about being used in that sense, is because the drive is so strong, I don't think we necessarily put that much value into it emotionally.

 

And as always, this does not apply to every male. Because we all are different.

 

On the other hand, guys DO take it seriously in ways. For example, they want to know that the woman has a good time and is satisfied. If the woman seemed BORED, that would probably bruise the guy's ego. x]

[bac]

I don't see where you were used. You knew him for a while, wanted to go back to his place, no where did you state he acted or said anything negative if you guys didn't bang, you said it was nice, you got your cuddle on & some AM kisses...how were you used?

 

She did it because she wanted a relationship with a guy but she did not want an ONS.

She would not feel used if he had told her before having sex that all he wanted was an ONS with her.

Edited September 11, 2010 by bac

[LondonS]

You asked for gentle replies and i will try but sorry if this gets miss understood.

 

You say you feel used. I have to agree that there is nothing that you say that leads me to that conclusion. You state your self that he seemed a little geeky/wierd yet continued dating him. On your date you hoped he would invite you back as he had the previous time. You both got naked and in bed and the conversation of sex came up of which you declined originally. You then gave into the desire and offer "a little sex" after which you cuddled up and feel asleep.

 

Has it not occurred to you that maybe its your hesitancy and confidence levels that have made him think twice about your relationship or maybe the fact that he read you wrong when you first climbed into bed naked thinking it was you who wanted sex, then changed your mind, then changed your mind again. Give it a day or so and call him. Dont text, dont email, pick up your phone and actually ring him. Maybe then you can actually discuss what happened and hopefully get over the being used feelings.

Got to agree with this. Infact from one of your previous threads, It pretty much seems that deep down you knew you wanted to and will have sex with him on the second date..

Just mark it down as a lesson learnt and be more sophisticated next time round when it comes to giving into sex early in dating... I dont think giving up on online dating is going to solve this problem for you...

[atlnay]

Because she knew deep down he only wanted one thing. That's why she felt used.[/QUote] yea i got that, but my rhetorical questions were to get her out of a victim mentality. I dont know OPs emotional background, but the few threads she has started in just this week scream for help. So my questions were to show her she can choose to view herself as being used, when nothing she wrote even pointed to that. Or she can approach these situations from a position of power, "I had decent sex with a dude I was attracted to, but discovered I don't like hooking up so soon. Awesome!" lesson learn & you move on. Dwelling on the feelings & how someone made you feel is pointless. Plus I think she knew deep down texting him twice that day was going to not turn out well. So why slander this man who from his perspective had a chick wanting to bang him? Hey she mentioned the condoms.

[meerkat stew]

She would not feel used if he had told her before having sex that all he wanted was an ONS with her.

 

That's a "her obligation" to bring up, not a "his obligation." She willingly had sex with a man on a second date after his expressing that it was OK if they didn't. She wasn't used in the least.

[Mad Max]

yea i got that, but my rhetorical questions were to get her out of a victim mentality.

 

 

Absolutely. I do sympathize, but she isn't really a victim here.

 

 

I dont know OPs emotional background, but the few threads she has started in just this week scream for help. So my questions were to show her she can choose to view herself as being used, when nothing she wrote even pointed to that. Or she can approach these situations from a position of power, "I had decent sex with a dude I was attracted to, but discovered I don't like hooking up so soon. Awesome!" lesson learn & you move on. Dwelling on the feelings & how someone made you feel is pointless. Plus I think she knew deep down texting him twice that day was going to not turn out well.

 

 

I think we sensed something based on the OP's post prior to the ONS. And yes, texting twice wasn't going to end well.

 

 

So why slander this man who from his perspective had a chick wanting to bang him? Hey she mentioned the condoms.

 

 

Believe me, I'm not slandering him at all. The OP willingly had sex with him. She could have said no at any given time.

[kalikula]

I'm sorry sweetie, I know just how you feel.

 

Given I was just hooking up with a guy a few times, I texted him and asked if he wanted to hang out, he said sure text me, then said he was busy when I asked. Unfortunately the upcoming weekend I was at the same party as him and he deliberately ignored me even when we were within a foot of each other. I texted him and let him know how rude that was, and he said "this isn't going anywhere not trying to lead you on" But honestly it was so upsetting If he had even just said "hi" and walked along I would have been fine, but I just couldn't believe how rude and douchey he was especially considering he had "acted" really nice before.

 

It really hurts to be rejected especially when sex is involved. I think for both of us these are definitely life lessons to slow down and guard your heart. Casual sex just isn't for me. I think everyone is being way too harsh here. In my experience guys tend to be disappointing, often completely disassociate feelings and sex, aren't interested in a girl if they sleep together too soon, and can be completely over it and never want to sleep together again even if they enjoyed it. And it really sucks realizing that guys you don't think are that way actually ARE.

[Mad Max]

I'm sorry sweetie, I know just how you feel.

 

Given I was just hooking up with a guy a few times, I texted him and asked if he wanted to hang out, he said sure text me, then said he was busy when I asked. Unfortunately the upcoming weekend I was at the same party as him and he deliberately ignored me even when we were within a foot of each other. I texted him and let him know how rude that was, and he said "this isn't going anywhere not trying to lead you on" But honestly it was so upsetting If he had even just said "hi" and walked along I would have been fine, but I just couldn't believe how rude and douchey he was especially considering he had "acted" really nice before.

 

It really hurts to be rejected especially when sex is involved. I think for both of us these are definitely life lessons to slow down and guard your heart. Casual sex just isn't for me. I think everyone is being way too harsh here. In my experience guys tend to be disappointing, often completely disassociate feelings and sex, aren't interested in a girl if they sleep together too soon, and can be completely over it and never want to sleep together again even if they enjoyed it. And it really sucks realizing that guys you don't think are that way actually ARE.

 

 

I disagree. We can sympathize with the OP but deep down, she knew what would happen. I think the posts in this thread have actually been supportive.

[atlnay]

Oh I know u werent slanderin dude MM . Her post set the stage for some to come in rake the dude over the coals and in this case it's not warranted. Bac, I agree with meerkatstew that it's on the OP to do her own due diligence on a mans intentions. No man, unless he is uber cocky, will say, "why yes, I want a ONS."

[2sunny]

you can only feel used if yo allow it. so stop allowing it, taaaah daaaah, problem solved.

 

don't DO things that may make you feel this way - decide against them... this is your better judgment. use it.

[kalikula]

I disagree. We can sympathize with the OP but deep down, she knew what would happen. I think the posts in this thread have actually been supportive.

 

Supportive but some were a bit harsh in my opinion. Do you just like to disagree with everything I say?

 

Even if you knew what would happen, it still hurts. Although it is up to her to change things.