Ugh, feel used... :(

[Star Gazer]

Doesn't matter if this guy's a player or not, though. Shadow consciously made this decision. She wasn't woo'd or persuaded. That said, is he a player? Doubtful:

 

Shadow wasn't even sure this guy was interested before their second date.

 

Then she decides to have sex with him, still before the second date, and still while wondering if he's even interested in her.

 

Then she gets upset wondering if he's going to invite her to his place, not because she wants to go, but because it would be another sign he's not interested in her.

 

But he does invite her in, and they get naked. Ultimately, she offers him sex. He accepts her offer, but they don't even "finish."

 

She then chases after him via text message.

 

She didn't make a mistake. She made a conscious choice, one that by her own words would have a predictable outcome.

 

Where's the player behavior here? It doesn't exist. Rather, Shadow disrespected herself.

[InceptorsRule]

Where's the player behavior here? It doesn't exist. Rather, Shadow disrespected herself.

 

Yes the "player" behavior clearly exists, shadow herself is the "player" in this scenario. And, she didn't disrespect herself, she disrespected the guy, 1) by interrupting the sex during the middle of it and then 2) by taking off in the wee hours.

 

Most guys would be so insulted by 1) that that would have finished things right there. But this guy gave her another chance, he cuddled with her, he was nice to her, and she "thanked" him by just....leaving.

 

She is absolutely full of cr*p on this. Gotta call that nonsense out.

[Knittress]

I feel like Shadow is being chastised for wanting to have sex. Some folks are insinuating that since she wanted it that it was ok for the guy to treat her this way. That is a truly revolting double standard.

 

It's despicable not because she was 'duped' into sex (because a 'smart' woman doesn't want sex, right?), but because the guy showed no consideration for her as a human being after the fact. Instead of being gently shown the door she was jettisoned curbside with the rest of the a-holes disposables. Do you guys not see the difference?

[Mad Max]

I feel like Shadow is being chastised for wanting to have sex. Some folks are insinuating that since she wanted it that it was ok for the guy to treat her this way. That is a truly revolting double standard.

 

 

The guy is no more at fault than Shadow. No one is chastizing Shadow for wanting sex. She's being chastized for claiming to be a victim when she's really not. She made a conscious decision.

 

 

It's despicable not because she was 'duped' into sex (because a 'smart' woman doesn't want sex, right?), but because the guy showed no consideration for her as a human being after the fact. Instead of being gently shown the door she was jettisoned curbside with the rest of the a-holes disposables. Do you guys not see the difference?

 

 

What did the guy do? She left before he even got out of bed.

[Cracker Jack]

After reading Shadow's OP countless times, I can understand why she's upset that the guy didn't answer her texts. But used? Uh, not seeing it. Not even a lil bit.

[InceptorsRule]

I feel like Shadow is being chastised for wanting to have sex.

 

The only one who "chastised" shadow for having sex with the guy was...shadow herself. After the fact of course. She's the one who's saying it's a "huge mistake" etc.

 

Look if you want to take issue with something someone else has said by all means do so, but please don't make stuff up out of thin air, it's just a derail. Find the post or posts where someone actually said what you're claiming they said, quote it with sufficient context as necessary so as not to mislead, and then make your rebuttal point.

 

 

 

Some folks are insinuating that since she wanted it that it was ok for the guy to treat her this way. That is a truly revolting double standard.

 

 

You did it again. You vaguely characterized "some folks" opinions without actually pointing to anyone who said what you're attributing to the unnamed members of the group, "some folks." That's called arguing by making a "straw man", i.e. attributing an opinion to others that they don't even have, so you can easily knock it down.

 

The first thing YOU have to do is demonstrate how this guy did anything that could possibly be considered "using" shadow, or as you state, "treat her this way" [what "way" did he treat her, that you object to?] What "double standard" is being applied other than shadow's, that when a woman and man have consensual sex, in fact when the woman is clearly the aggressor in the situation, the man is the "user"? THAT'S a double standard, if anything is, but it's yours, not mine.

 

 

It's despicable not because she was 'duped' into sex (because a 'smart' woman doesn't want sex, right?), but because the guy showed no consideration for her as a human being after the fact.

 

This is complete nonsense and as with shadow's original post has to be called out. If anyone acted "despicably" it was not the guy, it was shadow. She stopped sex right during the middle of it, sex in which she was clearly the aggressor (she asked for the condom...she was "on top"), and to top it off, she got up and split in the middle of the night/early morning with no explanation to the guy, or to Love Shack for that matter. Actually the guy would have to be a complete idiot to return her txts and calls after her behavior towards him, unless she apologized to him. Which I don't believe she's done nor does she have any intention of doing.

 

 

 

Instead of being gently shown the door she was jettisoned curbside with the rest of the a-holes disposables. Do you guys not see the difference?

 

Again I have to call this out as not simply nonsense but a deliberate lie by you. She was not "shown the door" or "jettisoned curbside." SHE got off of being on top of him during the middle of the sex act. THEN later on after cuddling SHE GOT UP OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT/EARLY MORNING AND LEFT.

 

SHE JETTISONED HIM, not the other way around.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I think they used each other a bit to some degree maybe not finishing and then her leaving in the morning was to much for him? Who knows maybe hes viewing her with the good old male double standard "Oh shes good enough for a feck but I wouldn't want her as my gf" I get a kick out of that one as it takes 2 for sex not like the guys arnt also involved.

 

Shadow I'm sorry this happed to you I've been there and its truly not a nice feeling its quite lonely I know. But you let your self down and sold yourself short hun this is why I personalty don't advocate sex early on in any relationship.

 

I've been called old fashioned for it on here before but thats ok I'll be old fashioned. I hope you feel better soon and can learn from this what ever you do now do not chase after this guy let it go gracefully shadow..

[tigressA]

I have to agree with InceptorsRule here. I just don't see at all where Shadow was being used by this guy.

 

Shadow, the best thing you can do at this point is just let it go. And don't let this overshadow your online dating experience. I had a guy I met online use me once, and it sucked, sure, but I didn't let it put me off online dating completely.

[2sunny]

shadow - just stop allowing things in your life that make you feel terrible about yourself.

[kiss_andmakeup]

From the sound of it, the date itself didn't go particularly well. It seems, from your description, like there wasn't much chemistry and no major "fireworks" so to speak.

 

That leads me to believe that he wouldn't have contacted you again post-date, whether or not you had slept with him.

 

The unfortunate thing is that, while you're no worse off relationship-wise than you would have been without the sex, having that sexual contact made you feel connected to him and now it hurts even more that he's gone MIA.

 

While I agree that you shouldn't feel like a victim, because you aren't one, I know it's impossible not to feel hurt and heartbroken. And for that, I'm truly sorry. Give yourself some time to heal, but don't write off dating completely. He's just one guy, not every guy.

[Star Gazer]

Shadow I'm sorry this happed to you...

 

Nothing happened to Shadow. She made a choice.

[tigressA]

Nothing happened to Shadow. She made a choice.

 

Agreed 100%. This is something that many of us have to remember in cases like this. Nothing like this just "happens". One makes choices. Period. And to just categorize the choice as a mistake and say that it "happened" because it didn't turn out the way we wanted, without facing up to the fact that we made a conscious decision, is unhealthy. When one does that, they consistently paint themselves as a victim who isn't responsible for anything they do, and they can't grow into a better, more self-assured person with this attitude.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Nothing happened to Shadow. She made a choice.

 

She made a poor choice to disrespect her body the guy picked up on it and for what ever reason hes now not contacting her further. So yes as a result of her bad choice there was a consequence so something has happed to her. I'm not saying shes the victim but this will affect her non the less..

[Mme. Chaucer]

Nothing happened to Shadow. She made a choice.

 

She also completely orchestrated the whole scenario from start to finish.

 

Shadow, it will help you to be accountable for yourself.

 

I don't think you exactly "used" the guy. I certainly don't think he used you. You probably confused the heck out of him. I'd imagine that he liked (or likes) all the great and cool things about you, and then there are the blinding red flags that must be flapping wildly in his face.

 

If he is having doubts about the wisdom of pursuing something with you, from what we have been told here (and I'm sure there is more to the story), he is justified.

 

I understand that you are feeling fragile and you are looking for support, but I don't think enabling you is very helpful.

 

If you will read over your posts concerning the progression with this guy, and TRY to step away from them as if they were written by someone else, you might be able to understand my point of view.

 

A relationship NEEDS to be approached from a solid place.

 

Look at YOUR role in this whole situation.

 

PLEASE consider working on yourself.

[jamesum]

Has anyone heard about the study that shows that men want to cuddle after sex if the women dont wanna cuddle after sex?

[K'aycie]

Hi Shadow.

 

I read your initial post, and I can't see anything that would indicate he "used" you.

 

But, based on what you wrote, if I were a guy I would think there were some conflicting signals coming from your end:

 

I did a few really stupid things. When we got into his room, and were touching each other without our clothes in his bed, I said, "I don't know if I want to go any further right now." He said, "OK" but sounded disappointed. Then I realized how blockheaded this was, since I would come off as a huge tease. So a few minutes later while we were kissing more I said, "do you have a condom?" He said he did in his dresser, and I said "maybe we can for just a bit." WTF? I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I felt obliged to have sex at that point, but I wanted to get to the after sex part, the part I really like where you cuddle because it's more emotionally connected. So we had sex for a little while, and then I got off of him and said, "can we stop for a bit?" We cuddled for a long time then fell asleep. He was very gentle, and seemed to want to hold me as he slept. I started having feelings for him because of this. After awhile, I told him I couldn't sleep with him holding me (which is true). I woke up at six in the morning and touched his back and he turned around and held and kissed me some more.

 

I don't know why, but I decided I should leave, so I kissed him goodbye (he was still in bed). Then I sent him a text as I left that said "I had a really nice time." He never responded. At 3 that afternoon I sent him another that said, "hey what's up." Usually, I wouldn't have done this, but I knew there was a possibility he didn't get the first text because the day before he told me that he hadn't gotten a few of my texts because sometimes his phone "freaks out." He didn't respond to the second text, and that was yesterday. Then just now (it's the afternoon) he logged on to aim, and he didn't message me. Eventually he changed his message to away.

 

I think in this case, you may have just put yourself in a situation that you weren't really comfortable with and/or ready to be in. It happens, so try not to be so hard on yourself.

[elaina]

Hello Shadow,

 

I'm sorry you are hurt. It is really painful all that you are going through, and is very painful to read. There are some things that I hope you take into consideration please?

 

1. Please don't worry so much about if a guy likes you. Please don't base your self-worth on if some guy likes you are not. Your worth does not depend on a guy. It's not just words; it's true. You are valuable and wonderful no matter if a guy thinks so or not.

 

2. Please do not give a man your heart or body before you can trust him. Your heart and your body are your treasures. Please guard them and make sure a man is worth giving them to.

 

3. Most women want to be loved and adored. I personally think you do too. I think your worries and your having sex with him are because you want to be loved and adored by him and you are so afraid, so afraid, that he wouldn't, and then it hurts so bad when he doesn't. Please understand that your desires to be loved and adored are natural and good, but being afraid and doing things just out of fear and in order for him to like you just hurts you. Please stop hurting yourself.

 

4. MM Chaucer I think it was gave very good advice. Please start loving you for who you are. Take care of yourself. Have fun and enjoy life without basing your happiness on a man. When you do that, eventually a man who you like is going to be attracted to you, and will want to enjoy life WITH you, and will love and adore you for who you are, and will be happy that you are happy, not because of him, but because of what a wonderful woman you are.

 

Please don't get depressed. Please heal. Here at loveshack, I think many people really like you as a person and are routing for you and wanting you to be happy and to have your dreams fulfilled. Did you know you are an amazing writer? Your posts are looked at alot and one reason I think is because you are an amazing writer. Have you ever published or thought about publishing a book of any kind?

 

Please know you are a wonderful girl and you don't have to base your happiness on a guy. Sometimes the right guy comes along when the lady is busy living life to the fullest and enjoying life, because the radiance, as well as the other qualities, attracts him to her. I think once you become radiant by enjoying life without basing your happiness on a guy, that you will be irresistible, and the kind of man you desire will walk into your life and will love you and adore you for You.

[bac]

Men, it is so easy to understand from females' point of view why a girl would feel sad in the situation.

She was willing to have sex with him because she liked him as a person but not because she wanted on a physical level to put a random d...k into her p..y. She wanted to do that mostly because she believed that it would please the guy and he would want to do it with her again and again. She gave him the best of her in her understanding. And, I do not mean that it was the object called the p...sy. It was about her feelings towards the guy. She did it because she was afraid to lose the guy if she was not cooperative about sex.

He did not say even 'thank you', while she gave him so much from her point of view. Put yourself in shoes of a person who can not have sex without emotion and try to view sex as an exchange of emotions between partners. Most women view sex in this way and nothing can change that.

[TaurusTerp]

Men, it is so easy to understand from females' point of view why a girl would feel sad in the situation.

She was willing to have sex with him because she liked him as a person but not because she wanted on a physical level to put a random d...k into her p..y. She wanted to do that mostly because she believed that it would please the guy and he would want to do it with her again and again. She gave him the best of her in her understanding. And, I do not mean that it was the object called the p...sy. It was about her feelings towards the guy. She did it because she was afraid to lose the guy if she was not cooperative about sex.

He did not say even 'thank you', while she gave him so much from her point of view. Put yourself in shoes of a person who can not have sex without emotion and try to view sex as an exchange of emotions between partners. Most women view sex in this way and nothing can change that.

 

If she put herself in his shoes she'd see what went wrong.

 

A girl I went out with was ambivalent about having sex with me, then gave in, then stopped us halfway through, and bounced before I was awake.

 

Who on earth is calling her back? I've deleted her number the moment I wake up.

[Land Shark]

Maybe when you sacrifice yourself physically, hoping that that will somehow buy what you need emotionally, it feels the same as how it feels when you've been used. In this case, he didn't make demands for anything you weren't offering. The one who used you is you.

 

I really think the way you relate to men is in need of some adjustment. Not only do you not have good relationships, you don't even have good interactions with guys. The cause is not only how you feel about yourself, but also what you believe about men in general. You have to fix both of those things.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Oh my god, I can't believe what I am reading on here. Hell yeah she was used

 

One of you said that the date didn't go well and that he wouldn't have called her again regardless. If so, then why invite Shadow to his place and proceed to have sex with her fully knowing that he doesn't want to see her again? I am sorry but that's a d$ck move.

 

Further to this, he ignored a couple of texts she sent him and didn't IM her. Guys are not idiots. They know that when a girl has sex with them for the first time she is very vulnerable. At the very least he should have e-mailed her and told her that they shouldn't see each other again. At the very least he should have responded to one of her attempts at contact. This guy is just

 

I agree that Shadow made a poor judgment call with having sex with him so early. But can we let this go now? We all make mistakes. Shadow is really hurting now. How about we offer some support and empathy rather than make her feel 1000 worse? If it was your real life friend that this has happened to, would you be as blunt?!

 

Hang in there Shadow, hopefully you get some sort of response from him or at least some explanation. For what it's worth please know that there are people on here that really care about you

[Mad Max]

Oh my god, I can't believe what I am reading on here. Hell yeah she was used

 

One of you said that the date didn't go well and that he wouldn't have called her again regardless. If so, then why invite Shadow to his place and proceed to have sex with her fully knowing that he doesn't want to see her again? I am sorry but that's a d$ck move.

 

Further to this, he ignored a couple of texts she sent him and didn't IM her. Guys are not idiots. They know that when a girl has sex with them for the first time she is very vulnerable. At the very least he should have e-mailed her and told her that they shouldn't see each other again. At the very least he should have responded to one of her attempts at contact. This guy is just

 

I agree that Shadow made a poor judgment call with having sex with him so early. But can we let this go now? We all make mistakes. Shadow is really hurting now. How about we offer some support and empathy rather than make her feel 1000 worse? If it was your real life friend that this has happened to, would you be as blunt?!

 

Hang in there Shadow, hopefully you get some sort of response from him or at least some explanation. For what it's worth please know that there are people on here that really care about you

 

 

All evidence says otherwise. Even the other female posters agree she wasn't used.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Oh my god, I can't believe what I am reading on here. Hell yeah she was used

 

One of you said that the date didn't go well and that he wouldn't have called her again regardless. If so, then why invite Shadow to his place and proceed to have sex with her fully knowing that he doesn't want to see her again? I am sorry but that's a d$ck move.

 

Further to this, he ignored a couple of texts she sent him and didn't IM her. Guys are not idiots. They know that when a girl has sex with them for the first time she is very vulnerable. At the very least he should have e-mailed her and told her that they shouldn't see each other again. At the very least he should have responded to one of her attempts at contact. This guy is just

 

I agree that Shadow made a poor judgment call with having sex with him so early. But can we let this go now? We all make mistakes. Shadow is really hurting now. How about we offer some support and empathy rather than make her feel 1000 worse? If it was your real life friend that this has happened to, would you be as blunt?!

 

Hang in there Shadow, hopefully you get some sort of response from him or at least some explanation. For what it's worth please know that there are people on here that really care about you

 

We also have to remember she got up before the guy even got out of bed and left him high and dry not a nice feeling for him either guys are not made of stone and women of fairy dust it hurts on both ends!

 

I've been truly "used" by players/scum bags in the past and know exactly how it works. To me it doesn't sound like this guy was honestly "looking" to hurt/use her. More like things were really awkward and got to far a head for both their comfort and now hes having some serious second thoughts.

 

Believe me I truly feel for shadow but as others have said unless we point all of this out to her then nothing will be learned from the experience and she will only repeat it again and again and only get hurt worse every time..

[elaina]

All evidence says otherwise. Even the other female posters agree she wasn't used.

 

Not all female posters agree that she wasn't used, obviously.

 

Personally, it's not really our call if she was used or not. She is hurting. and she wants to be liked by a man she likes (or liked), I think. And that doesn't seem to be happening. Arguing about whether she was used or not doesn't help anything, I don't think.

 

It is really nice of her to post on here, and I hope she knows that she has many people on here who want her to be happy and are sad when she is hurting.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Now is not the time to be pointing any of it out. She is sad and hurting, she is not in the mood to logically look at the lessons learned. She will be in the future, but right now this is going to feel more like everyone is attacking her.

 

Also, she said that she FEELS used. She didn't say she was used. If she was actually used or not is beside the point.

 

Can we support someone that feels low because they feel like they have been used?

 

(((Shadow)))