Ugh, feel used... :(

[Kamille]

Let me preface this by saying: Your excuse to him for your behavior was that you are shy. I know you're shy. I believe you. However, it doesn't matter that you are shy. You're beautiful and you're articulate. Most men won't read you as shy, they will read you as disinterested. It's like somehow most men can't imagine that a hot, articulate twenty something woman can be shy. They think hot, articulate twenty somethings live in some kind of fantasy land, protected from all pain and sorrow. You need to understand this in order to understand how men react to you. They do not see you as being at a disadvantage, so don't interact with them as if you are at a disadvantage. Understood?

 

To everyone who thinks I wasn't used, I'll ask one more time: so why did he cut contact with me after we had sex? If you've already responded to this question, you don't have to repeat yourself. I'm just trying to understand what happened.

 

He cut contact because 1) you had no established relationship so he is under no obligation to be in contact 2) you were ambivalent about having sex with him even as you were having sex with him. More importantly, this guys isn't replying to you 3) You had sex too soon for your own comfort and it showed. It showed in the ways you contradicted yourself while it was happening.

 

what do you think I did wrong?

 

You had sex before you were ready to have sex. You had sex in the hopes of keeping the guy around, not because you actually wanted and desired him and wanted to rip his clothes off. You had sex before you had established a decent amount of trust with this guy.

 

 

 

Well, there's always the self-esteem issue. But I also think you consider guys to be superficial. Like the only thing a guy could possibly care about is how you look. I also think your criteria for selecting a guy is a bit off. You want someone attractive, artistic and creative, but you never mention any real values. It seems like your approach to relationships is all about filling a void and finding someone hot, and nothing much else matters. So you look in the wrong places, pick boneheads and get hurt.

 

I really like LShark's advice on this thread. To me, it's the most helpful for you.

 

here's what the negative voice in my head is telling me.

 

I worry that he didn't like me at all, and just decided he'd just go along with some easy sex since I was willing, and then cut off contact afterwards.

 

I also worry I wasn't attractive enough for him, which is why he didn't want more than sex.

 

Part of the reason I feel so down about this is because he was really cute, the cutest guy I've been with. It makes me feel like no cute guy will ever want me for a relationship, just sex.

 

 

When you're hurt, your BDD tends to act up. What happened here has nothing to do with your looks or your core self worth. What happened here is a result of your choices and actions. Don't internalize this as anything other than a lesson learned. So, sit down and write out: What have I learned? What will I do differently in the future. Because, honey, there will be dates in your future.

 

No, I didn't. I enjoyed everything else -- the foreplay and the cuddling after -- but not the actual sex. It's because while we were doing it I had this gripping fear that he would do exactly this. Cut contact with me after the sex. And I felt like hte longer I did it, the worse I would feel later. Of course, I may have turned it into a self fulfilling prophecy, but who knows.

 

Self-fulfilling prophecies are often the result of our own actions. Had you been comfortable with having sex with this guy, you wouldn't have been so all over the place throughout the evening. Please tell me you understand this. It goes back to my answer to "what did I do wrong": simple, you had sex before you were ready to have sex.

 

THat's not all I wanted. I would have liked to continue dating him. I liked him.

 

What is it that you liked about him? You haven't mentioned anything but his looks.

 

I still believe it was because I wasn't good enough for him, and it didn't have to do with my behavior. And I fear he's like every other guy in that regard.

 

The sooner you learn to take responsibility for you ACTIONS, the better it will be for your self-esteem sweetie. Once you realize that the situation is linked to how you behaved and not who you are, you'll be able to stop these destructive internal dialogues.

 

Before we went up to his place, I had this feeling deep down that he didn't like me. It was something in his behavior. He just didn't seem that interested, like wasn't asking me many questions or trying to lead the conversation. I liked him, and I was hoping I was wrong.

 

Why did you go up if you didn't feel he liked you???? Why why why? WHY? That's the best reason to not go up to his place. If you feel someone isn't that into you, your job isn't to get them to like you at all cost, even if you like them. Your job is to protect yourself and learn to surround yourself with people who do like you.

Edited September 12, 2010 by Kamille

[Star Gazer]

Good point, SG. Shadow said herself that she didn't enjoy the sex, and when one person is uncomfortable it's pretty easy to tell, and certainly it doesn't make the other feel good. Plus she stopped in the middle of it.

 

That's what I was thinking. The way she describes the sex doesn't sound very pleasant at all. Almost robotic? No passion. No lust.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I think that shadow is asleep now. I am going to take over watching this thread and reporting any malicious posts. If you do have advice that disagrees with shadow, please frame it in a positive and respectful manner. See Kamille's last post for example.

[MrNate]

I think just about everything that could be said, has been said.

 

I think there were lots of lessons learned here.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I think that shadow is asleep now. I am going to take over watching this thread and reporting any malicious posts. If you do have advice that disagrees with shadow, please frame it in a positive and respectful manner. See Kamille's last post for example.

 

Just guessing so if some one says something she doesn't like or doesn't want to hear right now will they be reported as well? this is to much I'm not saying people should be rude or disrespectful of course not but now we have LS post police.. eh cool!

[Star Gazer]

I really think the way you relate to men is in need of some adjustment. Not only do you not have good relationships, you don't even have good interactions with guys. The cause is not only how you feel about yourself, but also what you believe about men in general. You have to fix both of those things.

 

This is really good advice.

 

I've heard many guys say that how soon you sleep with a guy doesn't change his interest level.

 

I've heard this only from a handful of guys, but they are inherently really, really good guys who believe this to be true. The type of guy who wouldn't even sleep with a girl to begin with unless he was really into her.

 

And I'm really not sure that it's true that the timing of sex won't affect his interest level. But if it is, it obviously means that if a guy doesn't call/text/whatever after early sex, he wasn't all that interested to begin with (interest level went unchanged).

 

(Again, I don't subscribe to that "it doesn't matter when" philosophy, but if it really is true, that's the answer.)

 

But being with this guy made me realize how much it can enhance the experience...and not even so much in terms of pure physical attraction. I felt more emotionally attracted to him because I really liked his face. I don't know if that's weird or unhealthy. It just is.

 

I saw someone else ask this, and I may have missed your answer because of the sheer length of the thread... but what did you like about him other than his appearance? What parts of his personality made you feel emotionally connected?

 

I think your answer might relate back to Land Shark's advice (above).

[Star Gazer]

He cut contact because 1) you had no established relationship so he is under no obligation to be in contact 2) you were ambivalent about having sex with him even as you were having sex with him. More importantly, this guys isn't replying to you 3) You had sex too soon for your own comfort and it showed. It showed in the ways you contradicted yourself while it was happening.

 

The sooner you learn to take responsibility for you ACTIONS, the better it will be for your self-esteem sweetie. Once you realize that the situation is linked to how you behaved and not who you are, you'll be able to stop these destructive internal dialogues.

 

Why did you go up if you didn't feel he liked you???? Why why why? WHY? That's the best reason to not go up to his place. If you feel someone isn't that into you, your job isn't to get them to like you at all cost, even if you like them. Your job is to protect yourself and learn to surround yourself with people who do like you.

 

And we have a winner for the thread's best advice yet!

[SadandConfusedWA]

...............

[LondonS]

well if you have sent an apology and explained that you were nervous and he is still being a Drama King then he would have cut contact with you even if you did finish or left on a pleasant note.

Just write him off, he is perhaps a player who wanted sex, you gave in sooner rather then later and he has moved on to the new prey...

really just move on from this now...

[jamesum]

Lol, this thread is so unreal.

[shadowplay]

Just guessing so if some one says something she doesn't like or doesn't want to hear right now will they be reported as well? this is to much I'm not saying people should be rude or disrespectful of course not but now we have LS post police.. eh cool!

 

I didn't report you.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I didn't report you.

 

Neither did I.

[shadowplay]

OK, Kamille. I will admit your advice makes A LOT of sense. It is helping me understand my thought processes behind what I did. There's one area in which I think people misunderstood, and I clarified that below. Thanks for this post.

 

Let me preface this by saying: Your excuse to him for your behavior was that you are shy. I know you're shy. I believe you. However, it doesn't matter that you are shy. You're beautiful and you're articulate. Most men won't read you as shy, they will read you as disinterested. It's like somehow most men can't imagine that a hot, articulate twenty something woman can be shy. They think hot, articulate twenty somethings live in some kind of fantasy land, protected from all pain and sorrow. You need to understand this in order to understand how men react to you. They do not see you as being at a disadvantage, so don't interact with them as if you are at a disadvantage. Understood?

 

 

Actually, this was something my friend said when I told him what happened and was thinking about writing an apology. He said, are you sure you want to write "shy?" He said that he knows I'm shy, but he could see a guy not finding it plausible, because often my shyness comes off as something else.

 

He cut contact because 1) you had no established relationship so he is under no obligation to be in contact 2) you were ambivalent about having sex with him even as you were having sex with him. More importantly, this guys isn't replying to you 3) You had sex too soon for your own comfort and it showed. It showed in the ways you contradicted yourself while it was happening.

 

You had sex before you were ready to have sex. You had sex in the hopes of keeping the guy around, not because you actually wanted and desired him and wanted to rip his clothes off. You had sex before you had established a decent amount of trust with this guy.

 

I'm realizing something. Part of the reason I think he didn't like me before we went up to his place was because we hadn't really established a connection and because I almost wasn't bothering to make that connection just by talking.

 

OK, maybe that's too harsh. I did try, but in my head there was a feedback loop between my perception of his interest and my effort. When we were talking I was thinking to myself, I can't tell if he likes me. Because he himself was awkward and shy, I couldn't read him in this regard. As a result, I got uncomfortable thinking he wasn't interested, and I stopped caring about trying to have a good time or make a connection.

 

Instead I thought to myself when we start kissing again, I'll loosen up and we can make a connection. It actually wasn't about sex. I think that explains why I acted weird when we had sex. I DIDN'T want to have sex. So, no, that wasn't my "plan" all along, as people have assumed. I didn't have sex with him in an attempt to get him to like me; I did it because I thought once one thing had led to another if I didn't have sex with him he'd think I was a tease or dislike me. I felt obligated. That's why I stopped, so I could somehow "skip" the sex and get to the other stuff.

 

What I really wanted was to do the more emotionally connecting things related to sex -- cuddling, kissing. That's where I tend to be most in my element with guys before we've established a real rapport. I think this is the main problem I have. Before I've done this stuff (not actual sex) with a guy, it's almost impossible for me to loosen up around him when we're just talking. It's because without having done that stuff, I'm unsure about whether he's interested in me, and that makes me nervous in his presence. So when I'm getting to know a guy, I'll sometimes rush or just go along with early physical intimacy. That said, I've never had sex with a guy this soon. In the past I've always stopped them before it gets that far.

 

I don't know why this was different, and why I felt this obligation to keep going.

 

 

I really like LShark's advice on this thread. To me, it's the most helpful for you.

 

 

Yeah, I agree with what he said. The only thing is I'd switch out "creative" and "artistic" for just "smart" in what I look for.

 

I do regard guys as superficial, and my early interest in them is often superficial as well. I'll explain. When I'm first getting to know a guy, if he meets the cute + smart formula, all I really care about whether or not he's interested in me and whether I can manage to establish a rapport with him. I'll pick up on other things about his personality that I may dislike, but it's as if I don't care about those things once I've made a choice to try to win him over. I file them away for later. Then, if I do establish a relationship with him, I retrieve those files and start to feel unhappy.

 

Wow, I never really thought about all this, but it explains so much in terms of past relationship failures!

 

What is it that you liked about him? You haven't mentioned anything but his looks.

 

 

He was very smart, but I think I appreciated this in a sort of superficial way. I knew he was smart from our messages before the date, but I didn't feel it when we were together...if that makes sense? Like I wasn't struck by the intelligence of anything he said while we were on the dates, but I assumed he was just nervous. I guess the smart thing for me was more like checking an item off a list, like a prerequisite.

 

The one truly genuine, non superficial thing I did like about him, and I really liked it, was how gentle and tender he was when we were kissing and cuddling. I've never been with a guy like that. It makes me sad to think about, because I still have residual feelings for him because of it. I did feel a real connection to him at those moments, and I think/thought he did too. If it hadn't been for that, I'd have been hurt by the rejection, but it wouldn't have made me as sad as it did.

Edited September 12, 2010 by shadowplay

[SadandConfusedWA]

Wow shadow, I could have written your last post about that politician guy WORD FOR WORD.

 

I only really felt the connection when we were cuddling and kissing and holding hands over the dinner table. When he would remove a lock of hair from my face in mid-sentence. When as I got up to put my jacket on after dinner, he would come up to me and hug me tight and just hold me for ages. When he couldn't take his hands off me when we were walking, talking. when he was touching my face as we kissed. That's how I got attached

 

But conversation wise - I knew he had to be smart to do what he does, but I didn't really see or feel the evidence of it. We had mediocre conversations and he was so closed off in revealing anything even remotely intimate about himself that I felt we weren't connecting in that way...

 

And I was too nervous and filled with negative thoughts about will he call me and will this be the last time to see him, that I couldn't be myself. I was awkward and didn't talk much...

 

I often wondered if I was able to talk as I normally do, if things would have been different....But in my situation given the recent gf and all it worked out for the best.

[SadandConfusedWA]

P.S. None of the guys I have EVER been with were as gentle and tender. I wonder if it's "his thing", something he does with all the girls...sigh

[LisaLee]

Has anyone considered the potential that he's not calling because the sex was just...bad?

 

I did, and a poster implied that I was being cruel.

[Chocolat]

 

Can we support someone that feels low because they feel like they have been used?

 

 

This is a good but misguided intention. The problem with it is that it validates Shadow's (mis)perception of events.

 

As others have stated, Shadow was not used and even though she may feel used, this feeling has no basis in what happened.

 

I'd be willing to bet that what turned this guy off was not that Shadow had sex "too soon" or that he was a player onlylooking for one thing, but that Shadow gave too many contradictory messages throughout the night and likely did not appear to be enjoying herself.

 

If I were going to have sex with someone -- on the 2nd date or on the 22nd -- I'd want him to be enjoying it and into it/me, not saying yes then no, then yes again, then just for a little bit, then leaving in the morning before we could finish what we'd started the night before that he put the brakes on.

 

This guy probably thinks one of three things (or possibly some conbination of all) -- that Shadow doesn't know what she wants, that Shadow is playing games, or that Shadow has issues. If he is emotionally healthy, he may not want to form a relationship in these curicumstances. That does not make him a player nor her used.

[goldencloud]

I realise that its important to be sympathetic when one is hurting, but by enabling a situation that may not be as bad we Shadowplay makes it out to be, we are in fact making it worse for her, at least in her mind.

 

Shadowplay, babe, I know it's not easy when you've had hope pinned on a man, and things don't go according to plan. Yeah, it feels like ****. But hun, in the end, it's JUST sex. We all make mistakes, I mean I for one never slept with anyone until at least 2 years in and was very conservative in that sense. Furthermore, if you see my previous posts from like a year back, I was having some SEVERE issues in thinking EVERYONE wanted to just sleep with me, BUT NOBODY wanted me for me.

 

So, whenever I would go out with ANYONE, especially good looking men, I would go with a preconcieved frame of mind in that ' he just wants to f**k me, and go with a better option'...I'd be paranoid, and insecure, and always 'on the ball' so to speak...Initally when men would meet me they'd be taken in by my 'supposed confidence and spark' when in reality I was a mess of ill placed insecurities. And NATURALLY because I did NOT love myself, how would ANYONE have loved the true me?? It was only when I discovered to love myself, to RESPECT MYSELF, to know that NO MAN, NO WOMAN, can define who you are as a human being. You were not created, made, born so that any other human being could validate your worth. NONE OF US are better than the other, and outside skin, our exteriors are very much dependent on the beholder's gaze.

 

From my end, yes I suppose one could say I am a attractive however man, I was so down and out on myself, I killed all attractivess within, and became an empty shell looking LOOKING for validation and completely in denial of what I was doing. Listen, looks are NOT everything. It sounds cliche but inner beauty is what gives LIFE, gives ESSENCE to physcial beauty.

 

I messed up to, whilst in a fragile state of mind, I slept with a man to make him like me more I guess before we even were exclusive. IT SUCKED because he disappeared and we'd pretyt much hung out for an entire month, and dated. I FELT LIKE CRAP! I FELT LIKE SH*T! I thought I was worthless. This carried on for a while, and then I just thought to myself, wait a minute here, I keep getting myself into these crappy situations, maybe it's my false portrayal of who I am, my lack of boundaires, no LACK OF UNDERSTANDING of how I am and what I stand for and how to present it...and finally my LACK OF SELF RESPECT that are continously working against me.

 

So to put it in simple terms, look within. Don't get hung up on this incident because you will see when you start to really evaluate yoruself, that its not so much this incident that bothers you but what it represents. We live once, don't waste it in useless wallow and things that in the long run don't make a difference. Think of it this way, hey at least I got some from a nice piece of a**. Victim mentality never helped ANYONE, you're much stronger than this babe.

[shadowplay]

So you guys have successfully, for the most part, changed my interpretation of what happened. Thanks. I no longer feel used.

 

That said, I now just feel really sad, like I ruined a good thing. Before I didn't feel this way as much, because I was trying to write him off as an ahole.

 

Ugh, I don't know what's wrong with me. But I have feelings for him, and they seem to have only grown stronger since he rejected me, especially now that I think my behavior was what turned him off. I hate my brain sometimes.

 

When I say I have feelings, I mean that I can't even imagine going on a date with another guy from the site at this point, because they're not him.

 

I woke up this morning thinking about those moments when we were lying in bed together, how gentle and sweet he was, how his voice got soft and cute, how shy and quiet he was, how beautiful his body looked. I've never seen a body like his...it was very muscular without being at all bulky. Just lean and toned. And he was also very well-endowed. I know this all sounds vulgar when I write it, but it like hit me on some emotional level. This is all so fresh in my memory. I wish I had only stayed there and enjoyed myself.

 

On some level I'm convinced I got a taste of something I'll never have again. I mean there aren't many guys out there who are really cute, smart, gentle, shy and share common interests with me. Especially ones who are interested enough to even want a first date. And I totally screwed it up. I also don't think after him I can date another guy whom I don't find very physically attractive (which was what I always did before).

 

I need a new brain and heart.

Edited September 12, 2010 by shadowplay

[hydorclops]

I don't think anyone would agree that you've ruined your last chance at happiness.

[shadowplay]

I can't decide if I should take a break from dating, or if I should push myself to meet more guys through the site so this doesn't turn into a slump.

[shadowplay]

Do you guys think he was at least attracted to me? Or can I not even conclude that?

[shadowplay]

OK, so I'm browsing the site now and reading messages I got a little while ago but never responded to because I was focused on P.

 

Here's my problem. I want to go out with a guy I find physically attractive, but whenever a guy is cute it makes me extremely nervous...which is probably why I acted like an idiot with the other dude. So there's this one guy who messaged me and is even hotter than the last. He's probably like a 9 or 10. And he's smart, and his profile appeals to me. I'm worried if I agree to meet up with him, I'll freak out like I did with P. In fact only more so. Is it even worth it?

[sweetjasmine]

I didn't have sex with him in an attempt to get him to like me; I did it because I thought once one thing had led to another if I didn't have sex with him he'd think I was a tease or dislike me. I felt obligated.

 

So you didn't have sex with him so that he'd like you, but you had sex with him so that he wouldn't dislike you. Reread what you wrote, shadow. How is having sex with someone so that they don't dislike you different from having sex with them so that they'll like you?

 

That's why I stopped, so I could somehow "skip" the sex and get to the other stuff.

 

So then he cuddled with you like you were hoping he would, and you bolted in the morning because...why?

 

Your explanations aren't really making sense, here. I get the sense you didn't know what you wanted, other than a positive reaction out of him so that you would feel validated.

[westrock]

I also don't think after him I can date another guy whom I don't find very physically attractive

 

Why? Seems to me that dating this type of guy triggered all sorts of anxiety driven feelings and actions on your part that is not reflective of the beginnings of a healthy relationship. Maybe you should stay away from guys who are very physically attractive? Go for healthy relationships, not ones that trigger your anxieties.

 

Do you guys think he was at least attracted to me? Or can I not even conclude that?

 

Only he knows for sure. Based on your postings here, I would say yes he was at least initially attracted to you and his actions showed that, but your actions obviously did not help and may have subsequently turned him off.

 

Am I the only one here who thinks that this guy may still call? I mean it's only been a day or 2...

 

I agree with SaC. I think he will contact you either way.

 

I don't think all is lost. If he contacts you in a positive way, then I believe how you then respond will determine whether or not there is any future with this guy.

 

I wish you the best and hope it works out for you.