Ugh, feel used... :(

[a_woman]

well men can't fake errections so he must have been attracted to you.

 

It doesn't sound like the two of you were compatible though (hence your Asperger's comment), it was more wishful thinking on your part because you wanted someone like him. It's important not to mix up the two

[Kamille]

Stop yourself from going into worse-case scenario. You know it isn't true you won't meet another man you find as attractive as this guy. You have consistently used the "there aren't any guys out there I like" line to justify hanging on to your exex, your ex, that long-time crush you had, ie, every single guy you've found interesting in the last two years.

 

And yet, you always end up meeting another interesting guy, this, within less than three months of ending things with the last guy.

 

Some other guy will rock you boat. You even have a time frame: 3 to 6 months. In the meantime, stop stressing about dating. Date because you enjoy it, not because you feel in a rush to meet someone. You will meet someone else you find interesting. In three to six months.

 

As to your emotional attachment to this guy... Reread what you wrote about this guy. You may feel emotionally attached, but you say yourself there was no emotional connection. All this tells you is that you shouldn't get attached before you feel an emotional connection. This involves organizing your dating life in such a way that you don't get emotionally attached before you feel there's an emotional connection. And as you discovered, you can't force an emotional connection. It takes time. It's rarely instantaneous.

[Star Gazer]

You still haven't said what you find attractive about his personality. You've been entirely focused on the external.

 

So you thought he was smart, but you saw no real evidence of it.

 

And you like his affection, but that's what he does, not who he is.

 

What is it about him, who he is at his core, that you emotionally connected to?

[shadowplay]

You still haven't said what you find attractive about his personality. You've been entirely focused on the external.

 

So you thought he was smart, but you saw no real evidence of it.

 

And you like his affection, but that's what he does, not who he is.

 

What is it about him, who he is at his core, that you emotionally connected to?

 

You could also frame it by saying I like the fact that he was affectionate. He seemed gentle, shy and slightly vulnerable.

[goldencloud]

Shadowplay, an interesting theory. When things weren't so good with me, whenever a man would reject me, I would feel absolutely dejected EVEN if throughout the courtship I wasn't particularily interested in him outside from what he represented - acceptance and validation I am worthy to be 'desired' and 'loved'. Anyways, whenever the said man in question would end it with me, or disppear, I would suddenly fall HEAD over heels in love or so I believed. OH NO NO, no one could replace this sudden romantic hero. An alright guy would suddenly be the light of my existance, and I truely believed I'd never, no NEVER , find someone like him...even though the duration of our 'affair' was a few days at most. Most of it probably me wishfully dreaming about 'him' (a.k.a what having a bf represented). Anyways to cut a long story short, I realised, it wasn't that I was in LOVE with these men, no no, just that my fuels of passion would be ignited upon their perceived rejection (or actual rejection of me)...and so my EGO, would be SO bruised, my delicate self esteem would go hay wire and in my mind there would be a mission...LOVE ME LOVE ME! Because I needed MALE validation to prove to my damaged self, I was worthy! Babe, it's NOT about the guy, this is all about you and your distorted self of being!

Sex is not something that is 'robotic' or just a means to an end (cuddling)...Passion is something you have with the right person. But in order to achieve that, you MUST be yourself, and STOP assuming you're a lesser being than anyone else. You're a fantastic writer, and I can bet anything in real life you're probably highly imaginative and intuitive as most over analyzers are. You have a lot to offer to the right guy, but just chill out and remember, what will be WILL BE! On a side note, no point stressing if your actual type isn't the sterotypical 'hot man' look. Personally, my fiance today (SEEEE!! ) is not some rugged man poster of perfection, I just can't deal with that. I love his character filled face, and multitude of expressions conveyed in his eyes. And as a result, he is beautiful to me.

Remember, you DON'T know what you want until you have it! If you've never had it, how will you know its for you?? I met fiance man with NO expectations of anything. I was completely myself, and comfortable with myself. It's a journey, but it's worth the effort! I really hope all works out for me, and take comfort that many of us relate to what you're saying thus why we're all advising you as we are, because all this negativity you feel, it can be defeated.

[Star Gazer]

You could also frame it by saying I like the fact that he was affectionate. He seemed gentle, shy and slightly vulnerable.

 

But you didn't know that until you got into bed with him.

 

What part of his personality inspired you to his place? To get naked? To ride him before he was affectionate?

[shadowplay]

This involves organizing your dating life in such a way that you don't get emotionally attached before you feel there's an emotional connection. And as you discovered, you can't force an emotional connection. It takes time. It's rarely instantaneous.

 

Would you mind elaborating on this? It's exactly what I want to do.

[shadowplay]

But you didn't know that until you got into bed with him.

 

What part of his personality inspired you to his place? To get naked? To ride him before he was affectionate?

 

Well, I did notice this sweet side of him when we were kissing on the first date. That was basically what kept me interested.

[USMCHokie]

Would you mind elaborating on this? It's exactly what I want to do.

 

Don't rush into sex until you have at least some emotional attachment to the guy. And don't have sex until you're comfortable that he's emotionally attached to you... Emotional attachment can and should come from outside the bedroom...

[USMCHokie]

Well, I did notice this sweet side of him when we were kissing on the first date. That was basically what kept me interested.

 

You need to look for the sweet side of him in things other than just kissing or other physical acts of intimacy...does he say or do anything that makes you feel like, 'wow, this guy is really great,' or was it just the kiss that made you tolerate him and stick around for a little while longer...?

[Star Gazer]

Well, I did notice this sweet side of him when we were kissing on the first date. That was basically what kept me interested.

 

But do you understand that that's what he does, not who he is?

 

If he'd been jumping rope, he's just jumping rope (what he does). That doesn't in and of itself mean is a determined, dedicated athlete who's driven to succeed (who he is).

 

Or if he's a good cook, he's just a good cook (what he does). He's not necessarily a nurturer who likes taking care of and pleasing people with his delightful dishes (who he is). Know what I mean?

 

In short, as harsh as this sounds towards him, being affectionate doesn't make him special in the slightest. Anyone can be affectionate. What makes him uniquely him?

[shadowplay]

But you didn't know that until you got into bed with him.

 

What part of his personality inspired you to his place? To get naked? To ride him before he was affectionate?

 

Also, thinking this more through it had a lot to do with the potential I saw in him, rather than a connection we had irl. I mean he met a lot of the requirements I look for. Aside from good-looking and smart, and it's not as if I had some list in my head, or I even thought about this stuff consciously, it just felt intuitively right:

 

-from a similar background

-similar values (liberal, intellectual)

-well-educated

-driven with a promising career

 

I guess I do prioritize those things ahead of an immediate "emotional" connection, because in my experience I can build a rapport with almost anyone who has some common ground with me. It just takes a little while. But the stuff above is what tends to make or break the relationship in the long term. Also, there aren't many guys who have all of those things.

 

The one missing element is emotional availability. I couldn't tell if he was or not. That's what I was kind of trying to figure out. Without that element, any relationship would obviously flop.

Edited September 12, 2010 by shadowplay

[Star Gazer]

Also, thinking this more through it had a lot to do with the potential I saw in him, rather than a connection we had irl.

 

MAJOR problem #1: Getting attracted to potential, rather than who someone is right now...and what you know about them right now, not just "how they seem."

 

I guess I do prioritize those things ahead of an immediate "emotional" connection, because in my experience I can build a rapport with almost anyone who has some common ground with me. It just takes a little while. But the stuff above is what tends to make or break the relationship in the long term. Also, there aren't many guys who have all of those things.

 

Read that again. It takes you a little while to build a rapport based on the things that make or break a relationship.

 

Is the second date "a little while"? Probably not.

 

And yet while you prioritize those values above an immediate emotional connection, you took action to put emotional connection ahead of those values. You're upset because you feel emotionally connected to someone without having built that rapport first.

 

Lesson learned.

Edited September 12, 2010 by Star Gazer

[somedude81]

Honestly, I'm worried this guy has spoiled me.

 

I always wondered what it would be like to be with a guy who I found really physically attractive...and not just in a vulgar way. I mean somebody whose face really appealed to me on an emotional level. I always assumed it was just superficial and wouldn't enhance the experience much.

 

But it was so vastly different from being with a guy who I didn't find that attractive. It was really like night and day.

 

Now I can't see myself going back.

ROFL!!!

 

So you were attracted to a really hot guy. You felt that you weren't good enough for him, so you offered sex early on. You stopped mid way through the sex. You left early in the morning.

 

In spite of all that, you think you were used? Give me a break. You just wanted to be with a hot guy. It really sounds like you used him, because he was good looking. You didn't seem to care at all about his feelings. I can see that he got fed up with you and your weird behavior and decided to drop you.

 

BTW, I'm sorry that average guys won't be good enough for you anymore. My condolences

[shadowplay]

to add on to my last post, part of the difficulty for me in judging whether a guy is compatible is that I NEVER have rapport with somebody at the start. Every first date I've ever been on has been extremely awkward, because I'm so damn anxious.

 

I can never tell if that awkwardness is the result of incompatibility or of my own shyness. So often I'll put my judgment on hold when it comes to an emotional connection. Instead I'll use other, more objective things to judge our compatibility, while I get to know the guy better.

 

Yet when I keep dating the guy, we've always been able to establish a rapport, even when I later decided we were incompatible. So it doesn't seem like having or not having rapport means a lot in terms of predicting whether somebody is compatible with me.

Edited September 12, 2010 by shadowplay

[Star Gazer]

I can never tell if that awkwardness is the result of incompatibility or of my own shyness. So often I'll put my judgment on hold when it comes to an emotional connection. Instead I'll use other, more objective things to judge our compatibility, while I get to know the guy better.

 

Then stop doing that. Just because it's "what you do" doesn't mean it's the right way to go about doing things.

 

And this isn't exactly a pattern for you, you've never slept with someone so soon...right?

 

First dates are awkward for TONS of people. But they still move forward with second, third, fourth dates, in order to find out if they're compatible. You've GOT to start using your judgment to determine if you're compatible on a fundamental level before letting your heart get involved.

[sugarmomma]

 

I do regard guys as superficial, and my early interest in them is often superficial as well. I'll explain. When I'm first getting to know a guy, if he meets the cute + smart formula, all I really care about whether or not he's interested in me and whether I can manage to establish a rapport with him. I'll pick up on other things about his personality that I may dislike, but it's as if I don't care about those things once I've made a choice to try to win him over. I file them away for later. Then, if I do establish a relationship with him, I retrieve those files and start to feel unhappy.

 

.

 

This statement speaks volumes about your beliefs regarding men and yourself. I as well used to be concerned as to whether an attractive hot guy liked me. As I grown and matured my only concern now is whether I like him, since anyone in their right mind would like. And if I do like him, exactly what is it that I like? Are they superficial things like his looks, charm, personality, body type? Or are they things with a little more substance like his overall respect for me, his integrity, his trustworthiness etc.

 

Also, a man should like you for who you are and you shouldn't have to "win" them over. Please get out of this mindset or you will continue to seek outside validation that will keep you confused to say the least.

 

Also you mentioned that you feel even stronger feelings after being rejected by him. You should feel less attracted to someone that does something hurtful to you, not the other way around. It should be a flag to stay away, not want to get closer. It took me a while to learn that I was addicted to emotional pain.

 

 

You asked what was wrong with you. NOTHING. You are simply suffering from the pains of growing up like everyone else. These are the lessons that show you what your boundaries should be.

 

Don't have sex unless you really want to and are emotionally healthy to deal with the fact that you may not get the outcome you want.

 

There are no guarantees and that should be okay.

[shadowplay]

hmm...thinking this through is teaching me a lot about my strange thought processes.

 

I had a mini epiphany related to the whole rapport thing. Though it takes me awhile, I'm good at building a rapport with almost anyone. But now I'm wondering if that's because I try so hard to mold my style of relating to that person.

 

Once I've figured out what makes that person tick, the jokes they find funny, the things in the world they respond to, I'm able to relate on their level and we have easy, fun conversation. I think they end up enjoying me more than I enjoy them.

 

The problem is a lot of the time it feels empty to me, because our connection is narrowly based on who they are, and only a little bit of who I am. I feel like I'm only expressing some tiny sliver of myself, because I know they can't relate to the rest.

 

It's only truly fulfilling when I've found somebody who has more in common with me, so I don't have to totally limit myself to one role. This was only the case with one guy I ever dated, and we're still best friends. Also it was true for a friend I had as a kid, and for the relationships I have with my parents.

 

But maybe it's unrealistic to expect to find somebody who has that much in common with me, since my personality is made up of a lot of contradictions.

[shadowplay]

This statement speaks volumes about your beliefs regarding men and yourself. I as well used to be concerned as to whether an attractive hot guy liked me. As I grown and matured my only concern now is whether I like him, since anyone in their right mind would like. And if I do like him, exactly what is it that I like? Are they superficial things like his looks, charm, personality, body type? Or are they things with a little more substance like his overall respect for me, his integrity, his trustworthiness etc.

 

Also, a man should like you for who you are and you shouldn't have to "win" them over. Please get out of this mindset or you will continue to seek outside validation that will keep you confused to say the least.

 

Also you mentioned that you feel even stronger feelings after being rejected by him. You should feel less attracted to someone that does something hurtful to you, not the other way around. It should be a flag to stay away, not want to get closer. It took me a while to learn that I was addicted to emotional pain.

 

 

You asked what was wrong with you. NOTHING. You are simply suffering from the pains of growing up like everyone else. These are the lessons that show you what your boundaries should be.

 

Don't have sex unless you really want to and are emotionally healthy to deal with the fact that you may not get the outcome you want.

 

There are no guarantees and that should be okay.

 

Well, I just turned 27...so I hope I still have time to "grow up." Sometimes it seems like I never will.

 

The problem is if I just act how I feel in the moment on a first date, rather than trying to push myself to be engaging, likeable, whatever, then I would be an even worse date. Because how I feel is anxious inside, and the craving to just not talk. Also, part of who I am at this moment in time is emotionally unhealthy, so do I really want to be with a guy who is attracted to that? That's the problem -- I need a guy who is emotionally healthy and wants an emotionally healthy woman. But I'm not emotionally healthy.

 

Yet, I think part of getting healthy is to expose myself to more experiences, which includes dating. That's exactly why I've been pushing myself out of my comfort zone with this online dating thing. It's the type of thing I'd normally never do, but I want to take more risks in order to grow as a person. Yet being that I'm not in a healthy place yet, I'm bound to encounter a lot of bad experiences along the way.

 

See the dilemma there?

[Star Gazer]

Once I've figured out what makes that person tick, the jokes they find funny, the things in the world they respond to, I'm able to relate on their level and we have easy, fun conversation. I think they end up enjoying me more than I enjoy them.

 

The problem is a lot of the time it feels empty to me, because our connection is narrowly based on who they are, and only a little bit of who I am. I feel like I'm only expressing some tiny sliver of myself, because I know they can't relate to the rest.

 

I understand what you're saying, and I was in that same place 5 or so years ago. I figured if I revealed who I really was, there's be no connection. I had to focus on them, what made them happy, and only revealed the parts of myself that matched those things. But like you said, it was empty.

 

I know you hate Julia Roberts, but it reminds me of the movie "Runaway Bride." She always liked her eggs the way her man did. She never revealed how she liked her eggs. It was easier to fit into his world, than to show her true self and blend the two worlds together.

 

Easier, perhaps. But life isn't meant to be lived on a path of least resistance.

 

It's only truly fulfilling when I've found somebody who has more in common with me, so I don't have to totally limit myself to one role. This was only the case with one guy I ever dated, and we're still best friends. Also it was true for a friend I had as a kid, and for the relationships I have with my parents.

 

So there's your IRL, non-anecdotal evidence that such relationships do exist. Why not wait to "give yourself" (emotionally, physically) until you find another such relationship?

 

But maybe it's unrealistic to expect to find somebody who has that much in common with me, since my personality is made up of a lot of contradictions.

 

Nope. It's not unrealistic at all. Don't you dare let your mind trick you into believing otherwise.

 

I'm made up of contradictions, Shadow. I'm an extroverted homebody. I'm lazy and ambitious. The list goes on.

[sugarmomma]

Well, I just turned 27...so I hope I still have time to "grow up." Sometimes it seems like I never will.

 

The problem is if I just act how I feel in the moment on a first date, rather than trying to push myself to be engaging, likeable, whatever, then I would be an even worse date. Because how I feel is anxious inside, and the craving to just not talk. Also, part of who I am at this moment in time is emotionally unhealthy, so do I really want to be with a guy who is attracted to that? That's the problem -- I need a guy who is emotionally healthy and wants an emotionally healthy woman. But I'm not emotionally healthy.

 

Yet, I think part of getting healthy is to expose myself to more experiences, which includes dating. That's exactly why I've been pushing myself out of my comfort zone with this online dating thing. It's the type of thing I'd normally never do, but I want to take more risks in order to grow as a person. Yet being that I'm not in a healthy place yet, I'm bound to encounter a lot of bad experiences along the way.

 

See the dilemma there?

 

 

So just keep dating really attractive guys until you get over the anxiety. You'll come to realize how little looks have to do with compatibility and shared values. You start to care less about how they look and more about what you like about them as a person.

[hydorclops]

So you had a date with a hot guy, had sex, but it didn't work out. He might call you still, and there's another hot guy in the wings.

 

I know you feel bad, but here's a thought. Why don't you read some other threads here, think about the problems of other people, try to sympathize, empathize, and offer some support. To someone other than you.

 

Here's a thread that got virtually no attention. Seems to me this guy is worse off than you, just not as interesting:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t242722/

 

Shameless, yes. Maybe not this thread, but why not try to help out someone else? It would get your mind off this and it could improve your mood.

[Star Gazer]

Also, part of who I am at this moment in time is emotionally unhealthy, so do I really want to be with a guy who is attracted to that? That's the problem -- I need a guy who is emotionally healthy and wants an emotionally healthy woman. But I'm not emotionally healthy.

 

Bang on, Shadow.

[Cee]

Pace yourself Shadow. Ok Cupid will eat you alive if you don't detach yourself from the process. The pace of online dating can be so much faster than what happens when you date people you encounter in the real world.

 

OKC dating can feel like a video game with it's tests and questions. And a lot of people treat is as such. It starts to feel like convenience store dating. Pick a pretty face and then take them home. There is no way love can fit in this equation.

 

Good luck with your process. Btw, I've disabled my profile b/c online dating was crazymaking. When I feel centered and healthy again, I'll reactivate the profile. I think online dating is great. In small, measured doses.

[shadowplay]

OK, thanks guys. I've taken a lot of good advice away from this thread so far, and I've been questioning a lot of my choices and automatic thoughts regarding relationships and life.