Ugh, feel used... :(

[SadandConfusedWA]

I'm reading his dating type now, and omg, this seems exactly like him :

 

you’d meet for coffee, or talk about books/movies, or even argue a little bit, all the while mostly preferring to screw.

 

you’re not thinking too much about Love at this point in your life...

 

My new screening criteria includes weeding out guys that have S(ex) as their third letter in the dating personality type.

[shadowplay]

I just took the test and I came out as "the sonnet"

[SadandConfusedWA]

I just took the test and I came out as "the sonnet"

 

 

Awww cute. I am the wild rose

[Star Gazer]

You're both falling back into the trap of blaming him, rather than focusing on your own behavior.

 

You're now noticing these things you don't like. Instead of further slandering him, why not ask yourself why you chose to ignore those signs when they were literally right before your eyes in print?

[shadowplay]

You're both falling back into the trap of blaming him, rather than focusing on your own behavior.

 

You're now noticing these things you don't like. Instead of further slandering him, why not ask yourself why you chose to ignore those signs when they were literally right before your eyes in print?

 

because I don't think either of us put much stock in those quizzes and algorithms before actually meeting the guys. It's just interesting in retrospect that they were pretty accurate.

[somedude81]

I'm reading his dating type now, and omg, this seems exactly like him :

 

you’d meet for coffee, or talk about books/movies, or even argue a little bit, all the while mostly preferring to screw.

 

you’re not thinking too much about Love at this point in your life...

What test are you talking about? I'd like to take it and there are just so many out there.

[dispatch3d]

So you guys have successfully, for the most part, changed my interpretation of what happened. Thanks. I no longer feel used.

 

That said, I now just feel really sad, like I ruined a good thing. Before I didn't feel this way as much, because I was trying to write him off as an ahole.

 

Ugh, I don't know what's wrong with me. But I have feelings for him, and they seem to have only grown stronger since he rejected me, especially now that I think my behavior was what turned him off. I hate my brain sometimes.

 

When I say I have feelings, I mean that I can't even imagine going on a date with another guy from the site at this point, because they're not him.

 

I woke up this morning thinking about those moments when we were lying in bed together, how gentle and sweet he was, how his voice got soft and cute, how shy and quiet he was, how beautiful his body looked. I've never seen a body like his...it was very muscular without being at all bulky. Just lean and toned. And he was also very well-endowed. I know this all sounds vulgar when I write it, but it like hit me on some emotional level. This is all so fresh in my memory. I wish I had only stayed there and enjoyed myself.

 

On some level I'm convinced I got a taste of something I'll never have again. I mean there aren't many guys out there who are really cute, smart, gentle, shy and share common interests with me. Especially ones who are interested enough to even want a first date. And I totally screwed it up. I also don't think after him I can date another guy whom I don't find very physically attractive (which was what I always did before).

 

I need a new brain and heart.

 

Put guys on pedestals much? Jesus. Pretty much every sentence in here reads "he's so perfect!". He isn't that perfect. You just decided he is.

 

Your problems aren't that big. Stop making them out to be. You improve all the time no worries.

[dispatch3d]

I think you just need to date more. Don't sleep with every guy or anything (I doubt you would) but you're just getting too involved with guys for no reason.

[shadowplay]

here's an example of how self destructive I can be.

 

First I did something positive. I cleaned my room. Then I sat down to do my work, and suddenly felt empty and uninspired. I ran to the kitchen and binged on half a loaf of bread and orange juice. Then I did something incredibly impulsive and stupid and sent him another short message saying basically I know you don't want to see me anymore, and that's OK, but what happened. And that I was feeling kind of vulnerable and confused after what we did.

 

Ugh, I am such an idiot. I have like zero self control.

[dispatch3d]

here's an example of how self destructive I can be.

 

First I did something positive. I cleaned my room. Then I sat down to do my work, and suddenly felt empty and uninspired. I ran to the kitchen and binged on half a loaf of bread and orange juice. Then I did something incredibly impulsive and stupid and sent him another short message saying basically I know you don't want to see me anymore, and that's OK, but what happened. And that I was feeling kind of vulnerable and confused after what we did.

 

Ugh, I am such an idiot. I have like zero self control.

 

haha easyyy there. No need to beat yourself up over it. Read "The power of now" or some other buddhist stuff if you want to figure out how to stop being so impulsive/low on self control (I'm just starting to read the stuff now, have the same problem of low self control.... it's pretty common).

 

You probably think and dwell over this stuff too much. Not surprising if you post on internet forums. Thinking about stuff less helps

[shadowplay]

annnnd of course he didn't respond, which I knew he wouldn't. I know I seemed pretty insecure/vulnerable in that last message, but anybody with half a heart would have written a response.

 

I'm truly starting to believe that almost all guys, even the supposedly "nice" ones, have this ugly, cold side, and for some reason I'm great at bringing it out.

 

I feel like we also live in a culture where you're considered a creep or crazy if you reveal any emotion early on. God forbid I should be hurt and feel vulnerable after we had sex and he blew me off.

[Star Gazer]

annnnd of course he didn't respond, which I knew he wouldn't. I know I seemed pretty insecure/vulnerable in that last message, but anybody with half a heart would have written a response.

 

No, they wouldn't, Shadow. You expect too much of the average person. With each message you send, he's more and more justified in not responding. He doesn't want to engage with you.

[tigressA]

annnnd of course he didn't respond, which I knew he wouldn't. I know I seemed pretty insecure/vulnerable in that last message, but anybody with half a heart would have written a response.

 

I'm truly starting to believe that almost all guys, even the supposedly "nice" ones, have this ugly, cold side, and for some reason I'm great at bringing it out.

 

I feel like we also live in a culture where you're considered a creep or crazy if you reveal any emotion early on. I'm so sick of playing this stupid game.

 

No, that's not true. A whole lot of people wouldn't respond to a message like the one you wrote. I know I wouldn't, if I were a guy, or if a guy had written something like that to me. How would you feel if he had responded to you, and you guys had talked again, but he still had absolutely no intention of seeing you again? Would you feel good that he responded to you, or would you feel worse? Be honest.

[Star Gazer]

God forbid I should be hurt and feel vulnerable after we had sex and he blew me off.

 

He didn't blow you off. He walked away from someone he views as unstable.

 

Yes, the situation you created for yourself sucks and feels crappy. But stop wallowing. He didn't do anything to you, and he owes you nothing. Stop acting and behaving in a way to draw something out of him - it will only make you feel worse.

 

Kamiiiiilllllleeeeee?!?! Where are you?!?!

[shadowplay]

No, that's not true. A whole lot of people wouldn't respond to a message like the one you wrote. I know I wouldn't, if I were a guy, or if a guy had written something like that to me. How would you feel if he had responded to you, and you guys had talked again, but he still had absolutely no intention of seeing you again? Would you feel good that he responded to you, or would you feel worse? Be honest.

 

Well, I think that's kind of crappy. Yes, I'd feel better if he spoke to me and told me what happened. Just a polite, "sorry, I didn't feel the chemistry" whatever. I said to him the message that it was fine if he didn't want to see me again, and I wouldn't contact him, but I was feeling vulnerable after what we did and just wanted to know what happened.

[sagetalk]

here's an example of how self destructive I can be.

 

First I did something positive. I cleaned my room. Then I sat down to do my work, and suddenly felt empty and uninspired. I ran to the kitchen and binged on half a loaf of bread and orange juice. Then I did something incredibly impulsive and stupid and sent him another short message saying basically I know you don't want to see me anymore, and that's OK, but what happened. And that I was feeling kind of vulnerable and confused after what we did.

 

Ugh, I am such an idiot. I have like zero self control.

 

Your self control is not your number one problem. Your self esteem is one of your main problems. Until you raise it, you are cannon fodder for guys that just want sex.

 

Why ask him what happened? He is skilled with women and selfish. You fell for his game. Start looking for guys who want you, not sex with you. If you don't, this will just keep happening.

[shadowplay]

He didn't blow you off. He walked away from someone he views as unstable.

 

Yes, the situation you created for yourself sucks and feels crappy. But stop wallowing. He didn't do anything to you, and he owes you nothing. Stop acting and behaving in a way to draw something out of him - it will only make you feel worse.

 

Kamiiiiilllllleeeeee?!?! Where are you?!?!

 

I won't bother arguing over this, because it will just make me dwell on the negative and feel worse, but I disagree that he handled it the right way. The decent thing would have been to let me know in a polite message after I made it clear I was feeling hurt and confused.

[Land Shark]

annnnd of course he didn't respond, which I knew he wouldn't. I know I seemed pretty insecure/vulnerable in that last message, but anybody with half a heart would have written a response.

 

No they wouldn't. This isn't evidence of whether he's a compassionate person or not. It's more just how some people balance out the cost/benefit of responding. It's generally the case that being the "good guy" and responding only delays the inevitable and encourages more messages from the girl. It doesn't matter whether you say "it's over" or "nice to hear from you." She'll be writing back soon, and that's not the goal. You know you would, Shadow. You compulsively do no matter what.

 

It's similar to how someone who is too nice breaks up with you, and in the process drags your heart through the dirt for an extended time (trying to do the "right thing") until you're both exhausted and full of hatred.

 

If he were to respond, it would just keep the flame going. And it's better for you both if it just goes out. Honestly, after two dates, he owes you no explanation for anything.

[Star Gazer]

Well, I think that's kind of crappy. Yes, I'd feel better if he spoke to me and told me what happened. Just a polite, "sorry, I didn't feel the chemistry" whatever. I said to him the message that it was fine if he didn't want to see me again, and I wouldn't contact him, but I was feeling vulnerable after what we did and just wanted to know what happened.

 

In his eyes, after you told him you're feeling vulnerable, anything that amounts to a rejection would just be an arsehole thing to say, even "Sorry, didn't feel the chemistry." You had two dates. That's it. Men compartmentalize sex, and simply don't think about it the same way as we do. After two dates, it's presumed that simply not responding is the polite rejection. He owes you nothing, and you should expect nothing - sex or not.

 

And you're also expecting that his message in response to you would/should be polite. But if he were really honest, I doubt you'd appreciate his response. In fact, I think it would hurt you even more.

[shadowplay]

No they wouldn't. This isn't evidence of whether he's a compassionate person or not. It's more just how some people balance out the cost/benefit of responding. It's generally the case that being the "good guy" and responding only delays the inevitable and encourages more messages from the girl. It doesn't matter whether you say "it's over" or "nice to hear from you." She'll be writing back soon, and that's not the goal. You know you would, Shadow. You compulsively do no matter what.

 

It's similar to how someone who is too nice breaks up with you, and in the process drags your heart through the dirt for an extended time (trying to do the "right thing") until you're both exhausted and full of hatred.

 

If he were to respond, it would just keep the flame going. And it's better for you both if it just goes out. Honestly, after two dates, he owes you no explanation for anything.

 

not even after we had sex? I think that's pretty brutal....

[Star Gazer]

I disagree that he handled it the right way. The decent thing would have been to let me know in a polite message after I made it clear I was feeling hurt and confused.

 

In order to spare your feelings, he would have had to lie. That's not decent of him.

[shadowplay]

jeez...i thought most guys were decent enough to offer some explanation after they blow off a woman after having sex with her. but i guess not.

 

all i know is, had i been him, i definitely would have.

[Star Gazer]

not even after we had sex? I think that's pretty brutal....

 

In his eyes, you only had two dates. The fact that sex was involved in the second one is irrelevant. He owes you nothing. The decent thing to do is to not respond, so that he doesn't engage with you and doesn't have to lie to you to spare your vulnerable feelings.

 

Even telling him you're hurt and feeling vulnerable was another effort to draw him out, when you know he doesn't want to be drawn out. He's over it.

[shadowplay]

In his eyes, you only had two dates. The fact that sex was involved in the second one is irrelevant. He owes you nothing. The decent thing to do is to not respond, so that he doesn't engage with you and doesn't have to lie to you to spare your vulnerable feelings.

 

Even telling him you're hurt and feeling vulnerable was another effort to draw him out, when you know he doesn't want to be drawn out. He's over it.

 

guys may compartmentalize sex, but they also know that for women sex is emotional. that's why it would have been the decent thing to do.

[tigressA]

guys may compartmentalize sex, but they also know that for women sex is emotional. that's why it would have been the decent thing to do.

 

I really think you're grasping at straws here, Shadow...