Ugh, feel used... :(

[Land Shark]

not even after we had sex? I think that's pretty brutal....

 

It's probably the nicest way to handle it, overall.

 

Here's the equation:

1) If he responds and gives it to you straight, then he actively hurts you, and he has no guarantee that you'll leave it at that.

2) If he responds and doesn't give it to you straigh, then he passively hurts you, he's a jerk, and he's guaranteed more difficult conversations.

3) If he doesn't respond, you have the maturity to understand what's going on without him having to spell it out for you, and he doesn't have to go through the ridiculous process of telling you he's not interested. And there won't be any more conversations.

 

He's a jerk no matter what he does. So 3 is the overall the best way out. No painful conversations.

 

What you think of how he handles it is completely irrelevant. He's being expedient and minimizing the trouble he has to go through.

[shadowplay]

I really think you're grasping at straws here, Shadow...

 

I'm not. I'd NEVER do that to somebody. If I was in his shoes, I'd have written a response. I'm probably just more compassionate than most people are. I know that sounds smug, but it's true.

[shadowplay]

It's probably the nicest way to handle it, overall.

 

Here's the equation:

1) If he responds and gives it to you straight, then he actively hurts you, and he has no guarantee that you'll leave it at that.

2) If he responds and doesn't give it to you straigh, then he passively hurts you, he's a jerk, and he's guaranteed more difficult conversations.

3) If he doesn't respond, you have the maturity to understand what's going on without him having to spell it out for you, and he doesn't have to go through the ridiculous process of telling you he's not interested. And there won't be any more conversations.

 

He's a jerk no matter what he does. So 3 is the overall the best way out. No painful conversations.

 

What you think of how he handles it is completely irrelevant. He's being expedient and minimizing the trouble he has to go through.

 

1 doesn't make sense to me. I'd be less hurt if he gave it to me straight.

[Star Gazer]

guys may compartmentalize sex, but they also know that for women sex is emotional. that's why it would have been the decent thing to do.

 

Phrased differently, women may be emotional, but they also know that men compartmentalize sex so they should know not to expect a response.

 

See?

 

It's probably the nicest way to handle it, overall.

 

Here's the equation:

1) If he responds and gives it to you straight, then he actively hurts you, and he has no guarantee that you'll leave it at that.

2) If he responds and doesn't give it to you straigh, then he passively hurts you, he's a jerk, and he's guaranteed more difficult conversations.

3) If he doesn't respond, you have the maturity to understand what's going on without him having to spell it out for you, and he doesn't have to go through the ridiculous process of telling you he's not interested. And there won't be any more conversations.

 

Yup.

[Land Shark]

Shadow, what is it you think you should be hearing from him anyway? "I'm not interested the chemistry isn't there for me?"

 

Guess what: that's exactly the message he's sending you. Listen to the silence.

 

Is there some additional bit of information you need? He's not going to offer it, even if he calls you up. And none of it is going to make you feel any better. So what's the point?

[shadowplay]

Phrased differently, women may be emotional, but they also know that men compartmentalize sex so they should know not to expect a response.

 

See?

 

 

 

Yup.

 

Well, maybe it's my lack of experience. But I expected more from men previous to this.

[Star Gazer]

1 doesn't make sense to me. I'd be less hurt if he gave it to me straight.

 

Assume worst case scenario here. If he literally told you he wasn't attracted to you, only went along with the sex because you offered it, thinks you're crazy, etc., etc., and that as a result he has absolutely no desire to ever hear from you again and to please stop contacting him... would that make you feel good?

 

Because I know guys who "give it straight," just like that.

 

Any other response gets them yet another response from the chick... and then you have Option 2 occurring.

[Land Shark]

1 doesn't make sense to me. I'd be less hurt if he gave it to me straight.

 

No you wouldn't. He's actually GIVING it to you straight, and you're winding yourself around the axle. Why would he take on the additional burden of involving himself in that? There's nothing (zero) he could say that would make this any easier.

[Star Gazer]

Well, maybe it's my lack of experience. But I expected more from men previous to this.

 

Do you understand you can't expect anything from someone after two dates? Do you understand that much?

[shadowplay]

Shadow, what is it you think you should be hearing from him anyway? "I'm not interested the chemistry isn't there for me?"

 

Guess what: that's exactly the message he's sending you. Listen to the silence.

 

Is there some additional bit of information you need? He's not going to offer it, even if he calls you up. And none of it is going to make you feel any better. So what's the point?

 

I think you guys don't get it. It's not really about the content of the message. It's about the fact that he was decent enough to send it.

 

I have huge trust and abandonment issues, so somebody cutting off contact suddenly/ignoring me always feels about ten times worse than them simply letting me know directly that they're not interested.

 

I know the "message" is the same, but the cut off feels a lot more painful.

[shadowplay]

Assume worst case scenario here. If he literally told you he wasn't attracted to you, only went along with the sex because you offered it, thinks you're crazy, etc., etc., and that as a result he has absolutely no desire to ever hear from you again and to please stop contacting him... would that make you feel good?

 

Because I know guys who "give it straight," just like that.

 

Any other response gets them yet another response from the chick... and then you have Option 2 occurring.

 

you think he wasn't attracted to me?

[shadowplay]

Do you understand you can't expect anything from someone after two dates? Do you understand that much?

 

Yeah, but I thought it was different if sex was involved.

[Mme. Chaucer]

guys may compartmentalize sex, but they also know that for women sex is emotional. that's why it would have been the decent thing to do.

 

What it seems that you're not hearing, Shadow, is that his explanation might very well have completely decimated you.

 

You want to hear a "polite" explanation, like "sorry, just didn't feel the chemistry." Of course you have NO control over what he would say or whether he says anything.

 

If he told you his honest perspective of you from the experience you and he shared, it might hurt you very much.

 

Also, you have emailed him (texted, or whatever) so many times that he KNOWS that contact with you would open the doors for much more.

 

As Star Gazer said, it probably is the most polite thing he can do to just disappear.

 

I truly am sorry that you are hurting, and I know that you can leave this kind of crap behind you if you so choose. It will take work and self discipline.

[Star Gazer]

you think he wasn't attracted to me?

 

I'm giving you worst case scenario.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I am at work so this will be short. I have been in his situation and have responded at length.

 

It does show no compassion for another human being in pain, let alone someone you had sex with 2 days prior. If he has responded and shadow demanded more explanation, sure then he can not respond and we would understand. But one response? If he was half way decent he would do that much.

 

Ignoring someone is the worst thing you can do to a person. It also screams of selfishness: I will only talk to you as long as there is something in it for me, as soon as there isn't, I won't even take 1 minute of discomfort to do the decent thing.

 

Land shark you said you wouldn't respond in that situation? I thought you are better than that.

[shadowplay]

What it seems that you're not hearing, Shadow, is that his explanation might very well have completely decimated you.

 

You want to hear a "polite" explanation, like "sorry, just didn't feel the chemistry." Of course you have NO control over what he would say or whether he says anything.

 

If he told you his honest perspective of you from the experience you and he shared, it might hurt you very much.

 

Also, you have emailed him (texted, or whatever) so many times that he KNOWS that contact with you would open the doors for much more.

 

As Star Gazer said, it probably is the most polite thing he can do to just disappear.

 

I truly am sorry that you are hurting, and I know that you can leave this kind of crap behind you if you so choose. It will take work and self discipline.

 

why are you guys assuming it would have decimated me? Like what do you think he thought of me that was so bad?

[Star Gazer]

why are you guys assuming it would have decimated me? Like what do you think he thought of me that was so bad?

 

Re-read your OP. It makes me cringe, and I wasn't even a participant. And your follow-up texts aren't helping...

[Star Gazer]

I am at work so this will be short. I have been in his situation and have responded at length.

 

It does show no compassion for another human being in pain, let alone someone you had sex with 2 days prior. If he has responded and shadow demanded more explanation, sure then he can not respond and we would understand. But one response? If he was half way decent he would do that much.

 

Ignoring someone is the worst thing you can do to a person. It also screams of selfishness: I will only talk to you as long as there is something in it for me, as soon as there isn't, I won't even take 1 minute of discomfort to do the decent thing.

 

Land shark you said you wouldn't respond in that situation? I thought you are better than that.

 

You and Shadow think alike, and you're pretty much the only ones on LS who think alike, and you suffer the same troubles and heartbreak over and over again.

 

The common denominator...

[shadowplay]

I guess it's making me feel bad that you guys are all assuming whatever his reasons were were so crushing that I couldn't have handled it. I thought you guys thought it was my weird behavior that turned him off?

[shadowplay]

Re-read your OP. It makes me cringe, and I wasn't even a participant. And your follow-up texts aren't helping...

 

could you elaborate... what makes you cringe?

[Land Shark]

Yeah, but I thought it was different if sex was involved.

 

What in your past led you to think that?

 

One thing I forgot to point out: if he's remotely sensitive, he probably picked up on your vulnerable, insecure state before you ever pointed it out to him. It's girls like that who won't take any explanation at face value. The best way to end it with them is just to vanish. You can't do or say anything that won't make it worse.

[shadowplay]

What in your past led you to think that?

 

One thing I forgot to point out: if he's remotely sensitive, he probably picked up on your vulnerable, insecure state before you ever pointed it out to him. It's girls like that who won't take any explanation at face value. The best way to end it with them is just to vanish. You can't do or say anything that won't make it worse.

 

Well, that's not true for me. I've gotten the "I'm not interested" response from guys before, and always left it at that. In fact, it makes it a lot easier for me to move on than the vanishing act.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Well, how about just forgetting about this individual guy already? The feelings and experience, Shadow, you own. He was a brief passerby in your life. Stop demonizing, idealizing, fantasizing, conjecturing, texting, IMing, this person. Stop comparing notes about his OKC profile or whatever. He's a human being and he is probably dealing with the situation in his own way, which is not what you'd like.

 

What's done is done.

[Star Gazer]

I guess it's making me feel bad that you guys are all assuming whatever his reasons were were so crushing that I couldn't have handled it. I thought you guys thought it was my weird behavior that turned him off?

 

This is actually becoming maddening from our perspective, Shadow. I can't for the life of me understand why you don't understand this from his eyes.

 

You have demonstrated yourself to be inconsistent and emotionally unstable with him. You have sent him several messages, apologizing and explaining how hurt and vulnerable you are right now. In his eyes, he's literally thinking, "OMG, this girl is bat sh*t crazy." I would bet thousands of dollars that's exactly what he's thinking.

 

He had sex with you, and clearly has no desire to see or talk to you again. Of course, he knows that you're feeling bad, because you've told him more than once. But your messages don't really just ask for information about what happened. No. Your messages to him scream and beg for reassurance, for validation, for a pat on the head, for a there-there it'll be okay, I still like you response. But he knows he's not going to give it to you. And he knows that if he's honest, you will be crushed because you already told him how hurt you are.

 

And since he's an adult, and you're an adult, he's assuming that you have the maturity to understand what silence means.

[Land Shark]

Well, that's not true for me. I've gotten the "I'm not interested" response from guys before, and always left it at that. In fact, it makes it a lot easier for me to move on then the sudden cut off.

 

Well, your attitude in this thread isn't consistent with "handling things well". Maybe it would be marginally better if he laid it out for you, but it wouldn't be good. But he'd still be involved, which is probably more than he's willing to give.

 

I'll re-iterate my previous point: he's already telling you all you need to know. Listen to the silence. It's saying "I'm not interested. The chemistry is not there."