Ugh, feel used... :(

[D-Lish]

In his eyes, he's literally thinking, "OMG, this girl is bat sh*t crazy." I would bet thousands of dollars that's exactly what he's thinking.

 

That's exactly what he is thinking, 100%. I cringed when I read the msn convo after the first date. It just screamed "I am needy and insecure"...

I was reading it shaking my head thinking- jaysus...

 

Shadow, your interactions with this guy surely came across as you being unstable.

 

If you had have just dialed it back after the first date, proceeded with patience, allowed him to contact you afterward, gone on a few more dates, waited to have sex with him...

 

Look, we all have crazy thoughts that run through our heads when it comes to the dating process, but it's one thing to have those thoughts, and quite another to lose control and vomit those crazy thoughts all over someone you've just met. Of course it's going to drive someone away.

 

You had a good first date, maybe there was potential, you obviously both enjoyed each other! But you killed it the moment you got on msn the very next morning and started in on the pressuring, and then the "if you don't like me just tell me" stuff. That killed it. Everything else you've done since then has just made you look more and more crazy in his eyes.

 

I agree with Star, he's ignoring you because he is thinking "this girl is bat shyte crazy", your behaviour has turned him off completely.

 

You made one bad choice after another and it led you to this result- you actually orchestrated this very outcome through a series of bad choices.

[Star Gazer]

saying my behavior with him on the date was manipulative and pathetic was pretty insensitive, even if you think it's true. I doubt many people would argue with that. There are some things you don't say when somebody has just been hurt.

 

YOU ASKED why I cringed. I merely answered your question. Did you want me to be polite and LIE? I believe what I said to be true, and it was not meant to make you feel bad. You said you could handle the truth, after all...

 

Do you see what you're doing here? You asked HIM a question too - "What happened?" Do you really want his response? Do you really think you could handle it, that it wouldn't get you down?

 

P.S. Need I remind you of the horrific things you said to me in my breakup thread, as well as offline/PM, which was a lot more traumatic than this situation?? Make no mistake, there's no vendetta or revenge here (if you think there was, you're wrong), but let's step out of your glass house, shall we?

[shadowplay]

YOU ASKED why I cringed. I merely answered your question. Did you want me to be polite and LIE? I believe what I said to be true, and it was not meant to make you feel bad. You said you could handle the truth, after all...

 

Do you see what you're doing here? You asked HIM a question too - "What happened?" Do you really want his response? Do you really think you could handle it, that it wouldn't get you down?

 

P.S. Need I remind you of the horrific things you said to me in my breakup thread, as well as offline/PM, which was a lot more traumatic than this situation?? Make no mistake, there's no vendetta or revenge here (if you think there was, you're wrong), but let's step out of your glass house, shall we?

 

Don't even go there, SG. I won't repeat them on here, but you've said some horrific things to me and others through PM.

 

Of course I'm not going to trust your intentions.

 

I don't want this to turn into some petty argument, so let's leave off-topic stuff out of this, especially things that have gone down over PM, OK?

Edited September 13, 2010 by shadowplay

[spookie]

That's exactly what he is thinking, 100%. I cringed when I read the msn convo after the first date. It just screamed "I am needy and insecure"...

I was reading it shaking my head thinking- jaysus...

 

Shadow, your interactions with this guy surely came across as you being unstable.

 

If you had have just dialed it back after the first date, proceeded with patience, allowed him to contact you afterward, gone on a few more dates, waited to have sex with him...

 

Look, we all have crazy thoughts that run through our heads when it comes to the dating process, but it's one thing to have those thoughts, and quite another to lose control and vomit those crazy thoughts all over someone you've just met. Of course it's going to drive someone away.

 

You had a good first date, maybe there was potential, you obviously both enjoyed each other! But you killed it the moment you got on msn the very next morning and started in on the pressuring, and then the "if you don't like me just tell me" stuff. That killed it. Everything else you've done since then has just made you look more and more crazy in his eyes.

 

I agree with Star, he's ignoring you because he is thinking "this girl is bat shyte crazy", your behaviour has turned him off completely.

 

You made one bad choice after another and it led you to this result- you actually orchestrated this very outcome through a series of bad choices.

 

I totally agree.

 

Shadow, I completely relate to the thought process BEHIND your behavior in this situation, but the actions themselves make you out to be quite the trainwreck (much more than you really are IMO), and he is not privy to your thought process.

 

As you said yourself, I think you are so uncomfortable in normal socializing situations, that you attempt to skip over the getting to know you part, and dive in straight to the relationship part, to see how well that will work.

 

The problem with this approach, is that it's not how normal people operate. As a result, you scare away emotionally healthy, well-adjusted guys (I am not saying he is one of them) with too much too soon, whilst attracting the unstable psychos.

 

I think you need to work on how to be more comfortable in and enjoy platonic social situations better: the getting to know portion, before the expectations, before the affection, before the physical intimacy.

 

This will save you from more disappointments in the future as it will prevent you from scaring off guys by appearing to be much crazier than you are, and will allow you to screen men better and select ones actually deserving of trust.

 

You are great, Shadow. You just need to give people a chance to find that out.

[Star Gazer]

Of course I'm not going to trust your intentions.

 

Fine by me. Hopefully someone else will read this and learn from your experience. And I'll just point out that the others who you do trust (Land Shark, Spookie, D-Lish, etc.) have agreed with me 100%.

[shadowplay]

Fine by me. Hopefully someone else will read this and learn from your experience. And I'll just point out that the others who you do trust (Land Shark, Spookie, D-Lish, etc.) have agreed with me 100%.

 

It's not that I disagree with what you say. It's the way you say it.

[Mad Max]

It's not that I disagree with what you say. It's the way you say it.

 

 

Star Gazer was supportive of you initially, as was I. Once the inconsistencies starting coming out, that's when we had second thoughts.

[Star Gazer]

It's not that I disagree with what you say. It's the way you say it.

 

If my posts bother you, then stop reading them. Leave them for someone else to agree with, comment on, read and learn for themselves, etc. My posts to you are always in good faith, regardless of how crazy you sometimes make me or what you think about me individually.

 

Take care, Shadow.

[2sunny]

shadow - take a few days/weeks to focus on what you DO want and NOT want from a man you date.

 

then get a plan to stay focused on how you can go about making that happen, in a healthy way by NOT putting up with things that don't make you happy and being sure that you are dating someone for the right reasons... not just because you don't want to be alone or rejected.

 

take the time to be sure of what would and wouldn't make you happy on a date... then stick to your plan.

[dispatch3d]

I guess it's making me feel bad that you guys are all assuming whatever his reasons were were so crushing that I couldn't have handled it. I thought you guys thought it was my weird behavior that turned him off?

 

There's no need to feel anything about the possible reasons he's not interested. You go here for advice, some of it is informed some of it isn't. You can't judge the individual advice on emotion alone. Think about if it's true or not, that's all that matters.

 

Stop looking at things as a "failure". There are no failures. You've figured out stuff from this. You've grown. Chill out and be happy you are a slightly better person.

 

Your overall problem is self esteem. Just date more guys so that you aren't so wrapped up in their approval. Right now your even too wrapped up in the positive or negative feedback you get from this forum. It's all irrelevant. The only approval that's important comes from inside .

[shadowplay]

I totally agree.

 

Shadow, I completely relate to the thought process BEHIND your behavior in this situation, but the actions themselves make you out to be quite the trainwreck (much more than you really are IMO), and he is not privy to your thought process.

 

As you said yourself, I think you are so uncomfortable in normal socializing situations, that you attempt to skip over the getting to know you part, and dive in straight to the relationship part, to see how well that will work.

 

The problem with this approach, is that it's not how normal people operate. As a result, you scare away emotionally healthy, well-adjusted guys (I am not saying he is one of them) with too much too soon, whilst attracting the unstable psychos.

 

I think you need to work on how to be more comfortable in and enjoy platonic social situations better: the getting to know portion, before the expectations, before the affection, before the physical intimacy.

 

This will save you from more disappointments in the future as it will prevent you from scaring off guys by appearing to be much crazier than you are, and will allow you to screen men better and select ones actually deserving of trust.

 

You are great, Shadow. You just need to give people a chance to find that out.

 

I pretty much agree with everything. This is also probably why I tend to idealize guys who don't want me or reject me. I assume they're emotionally healthy. I'm sure in some cases that's true, but not in others. As a result, I scramble to win them over.

[shadowplay]

T

You made one bad choice after another and it led you to this result- you actually orchestrated this very outcome through a series of bad choices.

 

Yeah, and often it feels like this self fulfilling prophecy unfolding before my eyes. It seems like every choice I make is a bad one, and the harder I try to escape those bad choices, the more I make. I think the problem is I act out of anxiety/fear rather than what I need. I'm just not really at all in touch with what I need.

[D-Lish]

It's not that I disagree with what you say. It's the way you say it.

 

Girl, just remained focused on what you can take away from this thread that might help you.

 

I think people find you frustrating sometimes because you are really smart and articulate- but you keep making the same mistakes over and over again. With regard to this guy, you really did make some bad choices, and you can't ever change things if you don't take reponsibility.

 

You demonstrated some really self destructive behaviour with regard to how you handled this situation- Can you see that? Can you acknowledge that?

 

Don't get caught up in fighting with people, get caught up in making the effort to figure things out so you don't find yourself in this situation again.

[shadowplay]

Girl, just remained focused on what you can take away from this thread that might help you.

 

I think people find you frustrating sometimes because you are really smart and articulate- but you keep making the same mistakes over and over again. With regard to this guy, you really did make some bad choices, and you can't ever change things if you don't take reponsibility.

 

You demonstrated some really self destructive behaviour with regard to how you handled this situation- Can you see that? Can you acknowledge that?

 

Don't get caught up in fighting with people, get caught up in making the effort to figure things out so you don't find yourself in this situation again.

 

Yeah. I guess it comes from this nihilistic attitude that nothing I do makes any difference because people (well guys in particular) are predisposed to dislike me. So in a way, though I recognize intellectually that my behavior was bad, deep down I'm not totally convinced that's why things turned out as they did. Yet, I'll still trust the judgment of others, since I know how erroneous my thinking can be in regards to myself. I'll go on faith that you guys are right and avoid these behaviors in the future. I can't expect to change two decades of ingrained poor judgment over night.

[Land Shark]

Star Gazer was supportive of you initially, as was I. Once the inconsistencies starting coming out, that's when we had second thoughts.

 

You should probably just speak for yourself.

[K'aycie]

Yeah, I don't really see the initial "support" either.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

 

I think people find you frustrating sometimes because you are really smart and articulate- but you keep making the same mistakes over and over again. With regard to this guy, you really did make some bad choices, and you can't ever change things if you don't take reponsibility.

 

.

 

This is spot on! your stuck in a bad negative cycle shadow but at least you realize it now witch is half the battle. Do yourself a favor take a step back from dating all together to work on yourself. And when your in a better place you will be surprised at how well everything else will come together honestly. I'm sorry it took a painful setback to make you see this but you can only benefit in the long run now..

[Star Gazer]

Yeah' date=' I don't really see the initial "support" either.[/quote']

 

Read from the beginning. I totally was. Still am. I'm just incredibly frustrated, and I admit it shows. I don't think Shadow has learned anything from this thread, or quite frankly, from all her years on LS. I feel like we're all beating our head against a wall.

[shadowplay]

Read from the beginning. I totally was. Still am. I'm just incredibly frustrated, and I admit it shows. I don't think Shadow has learned anything from this thread, or quite frankly, from all her years on LS. I feel like we're all beating our head against a wall.

 

well, thanks for the vote of confidence. If you read back a few pages, I did derive a lot of insight about myself and my mistakes from this thread, especially from some of the more thoughtful advice, like Kamille gave.

[Mad Max]

Yeah' date=' I don't really see the initial "support" either.[/quote']

 

 

Read the first few pages. I did lend my support and out of all the male posters, I was probably the most sympathetic.

[shadowplay]

Well, here's a new example of a situation where I can't decipher my needs from my wants and my anxieties. I tentatively agreed to a date on Saturday night with this other OKC guy I've been messaging with. Couldn't decide if it was too soon, or I should just plow ahead and not let this bad experience set me back. I decided for the latter. I hope it wasn't a bad choice.

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't think Shadow has learned anything from this thread, or quite frankly, from all her years on LS. I feel like we're all beating our head against a wall.

I think everyone learns something here. What they choose to do with what they learn is up to them, of course.

 

shadowplay, I've said this before: I think your biggest weak spot is your negative attitude. I'm generally a pretty positive person, but after my last breakup, I gave in to the negative thoughts for a while, and the world became a very dark and cruel place. Once I changed my focus to the good things in life, I started feeling so much better, like myself again.

 

You have the power to choose what you focus on and how you make decisions. You and only you.

[K'aycie]

Read from the beginning. I totally was. Still am. I'm just incredibly frustrated, and I admit it shows. I don't think Shadow has learned anything from this thread, or quite frankly, from all her years on LS. I feel like we're all beating our head against a wall.

 

I did. And if you're incredibly frustrated with her, then, there is no need to continue to dote on her. From what I've read, she does suffer from a disorder but she is not here hurting anyone. Unfortunately, the only person she is hurting really, is herself.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Different people learn when they are ready to how do we know what shadow will take away from this? lets not judge her like that. We offer advice she either listens or doesn't is ready or not the outcome will only affect her in the end after all. Common don't fight guys its not gonna help the situation..

[Mad Max]

I did. And if you're incredibly frustrated with her' date=' then, there is no need to continue to dote on her. From what I've read, she does suffer from a disorder but she is not here hurting anyone. [b']Unfortunately, the only person she is hurting really, is herself[/b].

 

 

Ultimately, yes that's true. But, one of the issues(out of many) was here pretending to be a victim when that could not have been farther from the truth.