Ugh, feel used... :(

[shadowplay]

I think she means, she is going on a date with a second guy, and it's their first date (?)

 

In which case, she hasn't met him yet and in person is much different.

 

yep, that's it. I don't know him well enough to be that interested, which is the way it should be.

[dispatch3d]

Not an awful attitude. Don't go on a date with anyone mind you, but I like the attitude.

 

Also don't listen to mad max. He's got hangups for sure (can be seen from previous threads he has made).

[Imajerk17]

I think you'd be better off thinking of what you would do differently next time.

 

(1) Men need to feel that we have earned sex. Either make us wait, or if you really have to give it up on the first date, do it only if 'the chemistry with us is so amazing that you can't resist'. Don't have sex to get us to like you, it will only backfire.

 

(2) Come to think about it, you would be better off guarding your heart. My understanding is that people with Aspergers have trouble with empathy, for one thing. Also, boundaries are sexy.

 

(3) It is OK to need to be persuaded or to have last-minute doubts. It is even fine to let us know that the panties are staying on tonight. (Boundaries are sexy.) If you do decide to have sex with us though, you better go into it wholeheartedly. This includes staying until the morning and having breakfast with is.

 

The thread going through all these is boundaries. Lack of boundaries and your insecurity will just make us want to run on an instinctual level. Like running from a burning building.

 

Sorry for your pain and sorry to sound harsh. But your pain from this heartbreak will fade. You want to learn the lesson so next time things turn better for you.

[Mad Max]

Not an awful attitude. Don't go on a date with anyone mind you, but I like the attitude.

 

Also don't listen to mad max. He's got hangups for sure (can be seen from previous threads he has made).

 

 

My advice is more helpful than yours. And the fact that you had to make a personal attack further proves my point.

[tami-chan]

what? lol this makes no sense. I think your judgment is even more whack than mine.

 

It doesn't? really? how is it "more whacked" than yours? You are not convinced that this guy "next" you because of you or things you have done-earlier you said you believe that guys just don't like you-I guess, no matter how beautiful and intelligent and therefore in your mind there is nothing else or more you can do or change because the end result would be the same-guys just don't like you. Then you go on to say..."but...I will trust the judgment of you people on LS as I move forward (despite what I TRULY believe "deep down") because"...ahmmm..why?

 

I suspect that if your next date bombs while following the pointers given by people here on LS, you will come back and say the exact same thing: "See? I followed all your suggestions and he has not called/text me back, even though I did this "wrong" thing and that "wrong" thing. I should've just trusted my own judgment. Guys just don't like me"..(for reasons, apparently, not related to you). Note the blame shift.

[Star Gazer]

I don't know him well enough to be that interested, which is the way it should be.

 

Exactly right for a first date. Even a second.

[2sunny]

I think you'd be better off thinking of what you would do differently next time.

 

(1) Men need to feel that we have earned sex. Either make us wait, or if you really have to give it up on the first date, do it only if 'the chemistry with us is so amazing that you can't resist'. Don't have sex to get us to like you, it will only backfire.

 

(2) Come to think about it, you would be better off guarding your heart. My understanding is that people with Aspergers have trouble with empathy, for one thing. Also, boundaries are sexy.

 

(3) It is OK to need to be persuaded or to have last-minute doubts. It is even fine to let us know that the panties are staying on tonight. (Boundaries are sexy.) If you do decide to have sex with us though, you better go into it wholeheartedly. This includes staying until the morning and having breakfast with is.

 

The thread going through all these is boundaries. Lack of boundaries and your insecurity will just make us want to run on an instinctual level. Like running from a burning building.

 

Sorry for your pain and sorry to sound harsh. But your pain from this heartbreak will fade. You want to learn the lesson so next time things turn better for you.

 

same goes for the man. if a man is willing to sleep with me too soon - it makes me think he sleeps with everyone... not just because i am special to him.

 

if he has certain things he will not tolerate - it makes me respect him for holding himself in high regard and demanding to be treated the way HE wants to be treated... and not just settling for mediocre behavior that won't make him happy in the long run.

 

if he acts clingy and needy - it turns me off - i want someone who can be totally happy whether i'm with them or not. THAT is sexy!

[SadandConfusedWA]

I think going on this second date will be a lot easier, because I'm not that interested in the guy. If nothing else, it's good practice.

 

 

I think you should go! I am much more balanced with guys where my interest is not super high from the get go. The guy I am going out with on Tuesday hasn't contacted me since Friday, and I am completely fine with that. In fact, I barely notice how many days it has been. If the politician guy did the same, I would be on it, texting, IM-ing, waiting for him to come online and debating his interest level on LS and in my head.

 

And you know what happens? These "meh" guys end up really liking me because they are able to see ME without any over-emotional c$ap. So yeah, I do think that our behavior influences guy's interest level.

[shadowplay]

btw, there were two stupid things I did before that date that I never mentioned because I didn't think them relevant until after receiving some feedback on here.

 

He invited me out to dinner and a movie for our second date. Because I was so freakin' nervous about having a sit down meal with him, I lied. He asked me the day of our date where I wanted to eat, and I told him that I actually had a class that night, so we'd only have time to chat briefly at a cafe before the movie (this is after I had already agreed to dinner the night before). So we chatted at a cafe for like ten minutes before the movie. No dinner. Then an awkward convo in the theater before the movie started, a quick stroll around town after the movie where I barely tried with the conversation, and back to his place.

 

Also, I had cancelled and rescheduled on him for our first date like twice, I think. I sent him a long apology the second time through text.

 

All of this behavior was rooted in my anxiety that he'd reject me.

[sugarmomma]

Shadow you remind me of myself when I was in my 20's. I used to ask for advice about situations like this because I couldn't stay still long enough to listen/trust what my feelings were trying to teach me. I finally did that and now I rarely ask people "why do you think he did/said this or that"? Now I just sit with any uncomfortability I have until it passes. Sometimes coming on LS and getting all these different opinions can make things worse when the people have have your best interests at heart.

 

Please stop worrying about "why"?? Even if he called you and explained to you "why" you still wouldn't understand. So "why" doesn't and shouldn't matter.

 

Focus on loving you and whether you like guys and not whether they like you or what you can do to "win" them over. Just relax, go on the date, be yourself, laugh and have a good time. Stay away from LS for a while too maybe.

[Star Gazer]

All of this behavior was rooted in my anxiety that he'd reject me.

 

Have you ever been rejected and been able to just say, "Boo, that's a bummer. Oh well." ??

 

I worry about you going on this date with the new guy, and even though you're not interested in him, if he turns out to not be interested in you, you taking it as rejection and taking it hard.

[shadowplay]

Blah, I'm going to go on this date. I know I can have a bad date, not get a call back, and be OK if I'm not that interested in the guy. The rejection usually stings bad for a day or two and then passes. Remember that awful date where I passed out drunk back in June or May? The guy I met when I was looking for a place to live?

 

Yeah, I never heard from him again, but I didn't take it hard because I wasn't really that interested in him. I feel the same way about this other guy. I think worst case scenario he'll reject me, I'll feel down for a couple of days, and maybe take a break from online dating to focus on myself, but move on pretty fast.

 

Oh, and I need to stop getting drunk before my dates. I didn't drink as much with this last guy as I had in the past, but I still downed four shots of tequila before we met up. If I do that again, I'll never learn to face my fears and learn how to be comfortable around somebody without the aid of alcohol.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Yep, the less I am interested in a guy, the less the rejection stings.

[shadowplay]

Have you ever been rejected and been able to just say, "Boo, that's a bummer. Oh well." ??

 

I worry about you going on this date with the new guy, and even though you're not interested in him, if he turns out to not be interested in you, you taking it as rejection and taking it hard.

 

I've never taken rejection well. The best rejections I've felt like **** for a night, and then quickly put it behind me. My skin has thickened, though. When I was 22, I remember there was this guy I liked who initially showed interest in me and then started dating some other girl. We never even went on a date or really got to know each other. We barely spoke, and yet I was depressed about it for months after. If that happened to me now, I'd forget it almost immediately.

[2sunny]

Oh, and I need to stop getting drunk before my dates. I didn't drink as much with this last guy as I had in the past, but I still downed four shots of tequila before we met up. If I do that again, I'll never learn to face my fears and learn how to be comfortable around somebody without the aid of alcohol.

 

well this could be most of the problem. the alcohol will not only make you depressed but cause you to make poor decisions and skew your perception.

 

a warped sense of reality should be expected if you get drunk.

 

can you stay away from the alcohol all together?

[welikeincrowds]

Oh, and I need to stop getting drunk before my dates. I didn't drink as much with this last guy as I had in the past, but I still downed four shots of tequila before we met up. If I do that again, I'll never learn to face my fears and learn how to be comfortable around somebody without the aid of alcohol.

 

Nonsense. Stick to a single shot of bourbon, no chaser, and be done with it. You'll feel like you could catch a bullet with your teeth.

[bac]

Yeah, but I DID contact him several times the next day and expressed my continued interest.

 

You should not contact a guy in such a situation even once, if things went well.

But, if things went wrong, you should contact him only once in 1-2 days.

If you contact him more than once, he would be too afraid of you to continue any contact.

[shadowplay]

You guys want to know the reason I left early in the morning? It's pretty embarrassing, but I might as well be honest. Well, while I was sleeping, I queefed, and it was loud enough to wake me up so it may have waken him up too. That's happened to me on occasion after sex with a guy, and it's realllllllllly embarrassing. See the thing is he didn't know it was a queef; for all he knew it was a fart. It was like 5 in the morning when it happened, and I lay there in terror for an hour trying to read his breathing in order to figure out if he was awake or asleep. And then it freakin' happened AGAIN as I began to drift off!! Now I was determined to scurry out of there. In fact my original plan was to leave while he was still asleep, but I realized in panic that my pants weren't on my side of the bed, and that I would need to wake him up because they were probably under his feet, so I touched his back. He immediately turned around and started cuddling with me. After a bit, I asked him if he knew where my pants were and he found them tangled in the sheets under his feet.

 

But I still felt really embarrassed about the queefing, so I made a quick exit.

 

So this whole time I"ve been wondering if part of the reason he blew me off was because he thinks I farted in his bed. Well, I guess that wouldn't look good on top of seeming crazy. Ah well...

Edited September 13, 2010 by shadowplay

[VeveCakes]

Any guy whose had sex before isnt going to reject you over a queef.

 

Secondly, I would just like to add your attitude about this other guy and potential date, pretty much was that you weren't interested but it would be good practice.

 

Isn't THAT considered using someone????

[shadowplay]

Any guy whose had sex before isnt going to reject you over a queef.

 

Secondly, I would just like to add your attitude about this other guy and potential date, pretty much was that you weren't interested but it would be good practice.

 

Isn't THAT considered using someone????

 

you didn't read my subsequent responses to other people asking the same question then...

 

I'm not that interested because we haven't yet met in person.

[USMCHokie]

you didn't read my subsequent responses to other people asking the same question then...

 

I'm not that interested because we haven't yet met in person.

 

So is it acceptable if a guy does that to you, using the 'not that interested' line...? Even perhaps the guy this whole thread is based upon...?

[shadowplay]

So is it ok if a guy does that to you...? Even perhaps the guy this whole thread is based upon...?

 

Yeah. In fact, I'm more nervous when a guy goes in with high interest before we've actually met because he's more likely to be disappointed.

 

I think it'd be different if I said I wasn't that interested because I had already met him and didn't like something about him.

[shadowplay]

no way!! the hot young professor dude I've been crushing on for a few months just started a profile on OKCupid (he's 27). hahahahah I know he doesn't like me, though, because I screwed up in his class. But seriously, every guy I know is on there. WTF.

[shadowplay]

OMG, and our profiles are nearly IDENTICAL. We're like made for each other. It's not fair!

 

I write that I'm shy and it takes me awhile to open up to people, as does he. I write that I love to draw, as does he. We have at least five common favorite films, directors, books. Why did I have to bring out the crazy around him???

[USMCHokie]

OMG, and our profiles are nearly IDENTICAL. We're like made for each other. It's not fair!

 

Don't ever assume that identical profiles correlates with real life compatibility or chemistry...