BobSacamento Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 If you go back to his place and you don't put out then you are a tease. When he asks you if you want to go back to his place tell him what you want - to go make out at the movies like a 15 year old. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted September 14, 2010 Author Share Posted September 14, 2010 Here's where I am. I just need to figure out how to assert these boundaries in a way that doesn't unnecessarily send mixed messages or seem crazy. That's what I need help with. 1) I like him and want to get to know him better. 2) I'd enjoy making out with him again. 3) I'm not interested in a fck buddy arrangement. I don't see myself wanting to have sex on our next date, though I wouldn't rule it out if things went smashingly (doubt it). How do I make this all clear in a healthy manner? Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted September 14, 2010 Author Share Posted September 14, 2010 If you go back to his place and you don't put out then you are a tease. When he asks you if you want to go back to his place tell him what you want - to go make out at the movies like a 15 year old. ARe you're saying if I don't put out at this point he'll view me as a tease, even if I don't go back to his place? Link to post Share on other sites
dispatch3d Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 So what in her advice do you think I shouldn't follow? Do you agree that it's a bad idea for me to go back to his place. If I do, I probably won't want to have sex -- just make out. So it seems like in going back to his place I'd be a tease, leading him on, since he'll expect sex. Isn't this the same mixed messages I was guilty of before? You aren't required to do anything at any time. There are no rules. There is no rule saying if you go to his place you have sex. Just tell him you don't usually jump into things so quickly and you want to take it more slowly. If you want to structure it so you aren't going back to his place at the end of the night then fine, that's your proragative. Schedule it so you are at your place instead or whatever you want. It's your date. I'd say the most important thing is just say "I want to take things more slowly" otherwise he may think "wtf happened". Link to post Share on other sites
dispatch3d Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 now go do something else . Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted September 14, 2010 Author Share Posted September 14, 2010 You aren't required to do anything at any time. There are no rules. There is no rule saying if you go to his place you have sex. Just tell him you don't usually jump into things so quickly and you want to take it more slowly. If you want to structure it so you aren't going back to his place at the end of the night then fine, that's your proragative. Schedule it so you are at your place instead or whatever you want. It's your date. I'd say the most important thing is just say "I want to take things more slowly" otherwise he may think "wtf happened". I can't imagine bringing that up in a non-awkward way unless I say it once we start kissing. Link to post Share on other sites
Gattica Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 I would stick to public places. There will be plenty of time to make out and decide if you want to have sex again at a later date if you find you two are compatible. I think you should make this next date a way to get to know each other better w/o the pressure of possible sex. If you can't keep your hands off each other for one date...a relationship wouldn't seem to be the main focus of either one of you. I would make it casual and make it about getting to know one another outside of IM's and texts. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 I just want to have a good time, but I don't want to make a mistake along the way this time. I know you guys think I shouldn't be analyzing this to death, but I really want to be careful this time around. Actually SP, I have to rephrase your statement- you want this guy to like you--- so much so you're taking precautions. Sorry to say this, but this is sad, if you're not even confident enough to be yourself on a date. If you really want to learn from your mistakes, don't repeat the same offenses. If you don't want to sleep with him, don't go back to his place. If you don't want to have sex with him, don't make out with him or give him suggestions that prove otherwise. Draw your boundaries. Who cares if you come off as prudish. If he doesn't call you back afterwards, then you know he just wants sex to begin with. Honestly, just don't view him as an all or nothing shot. There are plenty of men out there. Just treat him like a regular person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted September 14, 2010 Author Share Posted September 14, 2010 Sorry to say this, but this is sad, if you're not even confident enough to be yourself on a date. Gee, thanks. Yeah, I know I have low self esteem. No need to rub it in or state the obvious. Link to post Share on other sites
BobSacamento Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 ARe you're saying if I don't put out at this point he'll view me as a tease, even if I don't go back to his place? No only if you go back to his place. Usually if you take a woman back to your place and they get naked that time then any other time they come back to your place they are "DTF". If they come back another night and don't deliver, that is a tease. Link to post Share on other sites
welikeincrowds Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 Jesus Christ, this thread is 37 pages. Failure is a part of life, because it's the only way to learn a process. I know you know this, but when will you accept it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted September 14, 2010 Author Share Posted September 14, 2010 you're right. I'll make an update after the date is over, or if something really bizarre happens, but until then, I'm off. Link to post Share on other sites
silverfish Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 I can't imagine bringing that up in a non-awkward way unless I say it once we start kissing. This is the path you need to go down to create intimacy between the two of you, or not. You are going to have to talk to him about this, and yes, it will be awkward. More importantly though, you will learn a lot about him from how he responds, and for you, it will get a lot easier in the future for you by talking to him. Try running the conversation over in your head first, then think about your next date and where it would be most comfortable for you to talk about this with him. In fact, don't think about it as a date just yet. Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 How you go from accusing a guy of using you for sex and talking about what an awful person he is, to planning your next date and debating about sleeping with him again is mind boggling. Link to post Share on other sites
Gallaxia Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 He's ignoring you because he isn't interested in seeing you further, and most importantly isn't interested in using you. If he wanted to use you, he could easily be doing that right now. He isn't. He knows after one experience that you are easy, inconsistent, have some hangups, are high maintenance, and that you care only for your own pleasure. If he wanted, despite all that, he could probably set you up for NSA booty calls. He may still try to do that. But for the time being, he has taken the mature course and just blown you off, something that happens after many first or second dates whether sex happens or not. Will guarantee you that most women posting here on LS have blown off a guy after one or two dates by ignoring their contact attempts. Is that "using" those guys? No. It's rude, but a very common and accepted rudeness, and does tend to get the point across cleanly with as little drama as possible. This notion that whenever a woman chooses to have consensual sex, it's a "gift," and whenever a man chooses to have consensual sex, it's a "taking" needs to go the hell away. It is heartening that based on most of the female responses to this thread, the attitude IS in fact going away. I'll admit, I'm still working my way through the whole thread so I don't know if anyone else has addressed it yet but Meerkat Stew, your post caught my eye. How is it, that in equal action, the guy get a "pass"? He's mature and she's rude? Umm...? Come on now! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 Jesus Christ, this thread is 37 pages. Failure is a part of life, because it's the only way to learn a process. I know you know this, but when will you accept it? With Shadow's threads, it's easier on the eyes and the finger to set the page views in one's profile to 40 posts per page Shadow, call the sex an anomaly and go back to *dating*; keep it public and re-set the clock. If that doesn't work for him, then it doesn't. A good man will respect healthy boundaries. Time will tell if that's him. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
MrNate Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 Man, this is amazing. This thread has accumulated almost 10,000 views/500+ posts in a matter of 2 days. Unreal. This might get closed soon, but I hope everything goes well shadow. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 Man, this is amazing. This thread has accumulated almost 10,000 views/500+ posts in a matter of 2 days. Unreal. This might get closed soon, but I hope everything goes well shadow. I think it's the 8th longest thread in LS history. Literally. I think a new one with the new topic should be started... Link to post Share on other sites
florence of suburbia Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 Does anyone have an easy way of searching how many times the word "healthy" appears in this thread? Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 Does anyone have an easy way of searching how many times the word "healthy" appears in this thread? If you pay me $500, I will give you an answer in about 3 hours... No, make that $1000...and 3 days... Link to post Share on other sites
florence of suburbia Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 If you pay me $500, I will give you an answer in about 3 hours... No, make that $1000...and 3 days... Ha ha, is it that complicated? I think not. I'll bet it is in here at least 50 times. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 Ha ha, is it that complicated? I think not. I'll bet it is in here at least 50 times. No, but it'd involve me reading through almost 40 pages of ________ (I'll let you fill in the blank... ) to find these magic words...I think $1K is a very fair price for that kind of effort... Link to post Share on other sites
stellaluna Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 wow, I cant keep track of what is going on here. Link to post Share on other sites
SadandConfusedWA Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 I read every single post. I am so glad things seem to be working out for Shadow :bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
welikeincrowds Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 I'll bet it is in here at least 50 times. I'm a computer programmer, and you're close enough. 63. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts