Ugh, feel used... :(

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Well, here's a new example of a situation where I can't decipher my needs from my wants and my anxieties. I tentatively agreed to a date on Saturday night with this other OKC guy I've been messaging with. Couldn't decide if it was too soon, or I should just plow ahead and not let this bad experience set me back. I decided for the latter. I hope it wasn't a bad choice.

 

So your going to go a head with that date?

[K'aycie]

Ultimately, yes that's true. But, one of the issues(out of many) was here pretending to be a victim when that could not have been farther from the truth.

 

Well, that I will agree with.

[atlnay]

Can you be alome with yourself for say a week straight and enjoy your own company, not be lonely, feel empty or need a guy to distract you?

[atlnay]

Oh & thats a bit of a trick question, if the answer is yes, methinks all the drama you invite is just that, at the end of the day you'll be fine. If not, then I'd suggest talking to a professional. Either way, you don't even need to answer on the boards, just food to chew on.

[shadowplay]

So your going to go a head with that date?

 

I haven't decided. I don't want to make another bad choice, which is why I'm posting this here for input.

[tami-chan]

Yeah. I guess it comes from this nihilistic attitude that nothing I do makes any difference because people (well guys in particular) are predisposed to dislike me. So in a way, though I recognize intellectually that my behavior was bad, deep down I'm not totally convinced that's why things turned out as they did. Yet, I'll still trust the judgment of others, since I know how erroneous my thinking can be in regards to myself. I'll go on faith that you guys are right and avoid these behaviors in the future. I can't expect to change two decades of ingrained poor judgment over night.

 

Shadow, you have bigger issues. Perhaps, as many have suggested you need to step back, stop dating and work on yourself with professional help You have not learned anything, you still ("deep down") do not want to take responsibility for the "bad choices" (your words) you have made. I read this thread with growing frustration because there is no ownership to the choices she has made. Above you are saying, that you will go on faith and trust the judgment of others, why? so that if or when things go wrong you can come back and blame others for your actions? You need serious help, honestly.

[carhill]

Hey Shadow, I did read the thread and it sounds like you received a lot of perspective so I'll just offer a fatherly hug and tell you that I think it will all work out for you. You have a lot of gifts and, like all of us, face a lot of challenges in life. These feelings are part of them. You will succeed. Best wishes.

[shadowplay]

Hey Shadow, I did read the thread and it sounds like you received a lot of perspective so I'll just offer a fatherly hug and tell you that I think it will all work out for you. You have a lot of gifts and, like all of us, face a lot of challenges in life. These feelings are part of them. You will succeed. Best wishes.

 

(((carhill)))

[dispatch3d]

Yeah. I guess it comes from this nihilistic attitude that nothing I do makes any difference because people (well guys in particular) are predisposed to dislike me. So in a way, though I recognize intellectually that my behavior was bad, deep down I'm not totally convinced that's why things turned out as they did. Yet, I'll still trust the judgment of others, since I know how erroneous my thinking can be in regards to myself. I'll go on faith that you guys are right and avoid these behaviors in the future. I can't expect to change two decades of ingrained poor judgment over night.

 

Sure, lots of change is gradual and takes work. Sometimes change be instant though. It depends on what you change and how you change it. If you change a core belief bam you are different in a second. A split second. As in if you find the root of the problem and change it, there's no longer any problems. If you mess around with peripheree problems, or change something that's more a SIGN of a problem than an ACTUAL problem change is much more gradual.

 

Whats my point? Saying I've done this for 20 years I can't change it in an instant is silly. It's immaterial. It will get changed or it won't. Deciding to change it is all you need to do to make the change. There's no requirement of thinking about what happened to make it this way, or what you must do in the future to ensure the change. You just have to make the change now and stay that way. Simple.

[shadowplay]

Above you are saying, that you will go on faith and trust the judgment of others, why? so that if or when things go wrong you can come back and blame others for your actions?

 

what? lol this makes no sense. I think your judgment is even more whack than mine.

[shadowplay]

Sure, lots of change is gradual and takes work. Sometimes change be instant though. It depends on what you change and how you change it. If you change a core belief bam you are different in a second. A split second. As in if you find the root of the problem and change it, there's no longer any problems. If you mess around with peripheree problems, or change something that's more a SIGN of a problem than an ACTUAL problem change is much more gradual.

 

Whats my point? Saying I've done this for 20 years I can't change it in an instant is silly. It's immaterial. It will get changed or it won't. Deciding to change it is all you need to do to make the change. There's no requirement of thinking about what happened to make it this way, or what you must do in the future to ensure the change. You just have to make the change now and stay that way. Simple.

 

you really think that's possible?

[Star Gazer]

Shadow, you have bigger issues. Perhaps, as many have suggested you need to step back, stop dating and work on yourself with professional help You have not learned anything, you still ("deep down") do not want to take responsibility for the "bad choices" (your words) you have made. I read this thread with growing frustration because there is no ownership to the choices she has made. Above you are saying, that you will go on faith and trust the judgment of others, why? so that if or when things go wrong you can come back and blame others for your actions? You need serious help, honestly.

 

Agreed. Particularly with the portion you bolded in your own post.

[dispatch3d]

you really think that's possible?

 

hahaha psychologist can fix phobias in FIFTEEN MINUTES that patience endure for DECADES. So yes, yes I believe it.

 

The reason psychologists with the proper knowledge+training can do such a thing is because they fix the core problem, and bam the persons problem is gone.

 

So yes, I believe it. It wouldn't serve me to believe anything different.

[D-Lish]

Yeah. I guess it comes from this nihilistic attitude that nothing I do makes any difference because people (well guys in particular) are predisposed to dislike me. So in a way, though I recognize intellectually that my behavior was bad, deep down I'm not totally convinced that's why things turned out as they did. Yet, I'll still trust the judgment of others, since I know how erroneous my thinking can be in regards to myself. I'll go on faith that you guys are right and avoid these behaviors in the future. I can't expect to change two decades of ingrained poor judgment over night.

 

Look at what you just posted. It's ridiculously negative. If you walk around in life feeling that OTHER people are pre-disposed to dislike you, you're never going to change how you interact with people. That's on YOU, not others.

 

The change starts with you and only you. People aren't pre-disposed to dislike you, as an intelligent person, how can you accept that POV?

 

There is no intelligent part of you that can accept that your own behaviour in this matter brought you to the place your are at? I don't want to believe that you believe that, because I think you are smarter than that.

 

You are an incredibly smart girl Shadow, but you don't believe in yourself. You know what's frustrating? It's that you have the capacity to save yourself, but you make excuses.

 

You're so young, you're not a lost cause. You're full of potential- and I think that's why people get on your case, because I think so many of us see what you could be, and get frustrated when you don't see it.

[spookie]

I haven't decided. I don't want to make another bad choice, which is why I'm posting this here for input.

 

Shadow, going on the date is not a bad choice.

 

Going on the date on a mission to win his heart in half an hour, and being disappointed if things don't turn out that way, IS.

 

I think you should go... and practice having NO EXPECTATIONS WHATSOEVER before, during, and after.

 

Practice the kind of meaningless small talk that bores you to tears... where do you work? where did you grow up? how many siblings do you have?!!!!! Try to have a good time, but don't force a connection, and don't go back to his place because your forte for expression is in bed... we're not in high school anymore.

[Star Gazer]

what? lol this makes no sense. I think your judgment is even more whack than mine.

 

It makes perfect sense given that you said:

 

"I recognize intellectually that my behavior was bad, deep down I'm not totally convinced that's why things turned out as they did."

 

As Tami pointed out, you're still blaming others for the way things turned out.

[spookie]

Oh and Shadow... IMO you have made a TON of progress since the days of dating ex-ex. You were way wackier back then.

[shadowplay]

Shadow, going on the date is not a bad choice.

 

Going on the date on a mission to win his heart in half an hour, and being disappointed if things don't turn out that way, IS.

 

I think you should go... and practice having NO EXPECTATIONS WHATSOEVER before, during, and after.

 

Practice the kind of meaningless small talk that bores you to tears... where do you work? where did you grow up? how many siblings do you have?!!!!! Try to have a good time, but don't force a connection, and don't go back to his place because your forte for expression is in bed... we're not in high school anymore.

 

I think I can do this.

[shadowplay]

I think going on this second date will be a lot easier, because I'm not that interested in the guy. If nothing else, it's good practice.

[Mad Max]

I think going on this second date will be a lot easier, because I'm not that interested in the guy. If nothing else, it's good practice.

 

 

Ummm...why would you go out with someone you're not that interested in?

[shadowplay]

Ummm...why would you go out with someone you're not that interested in?

 

1) my interest may grow. I haven't met him yet, so maybe we'll click in person.

 

2) it's good practice.

[spookie]

Yeah. I guess it comes from this nihilistic attitude that nothing I do makes any difference because people (well guys in particular) are predisposed to dislike me. So in a way, though I recognize intellectually that my behavior was bad, deep down I'm not totally convinced that's why things turned out as they did. Yet, I'll still trust the judgment of others, since I know how erroneous my thinking can be in regards to myself. I'll go on faith that you guys are right and avoid these behaviors in the future. I can't expect to change two decades of ingrained poor judgment over night.

 

As others have pointed out, you need to work on this attitude. There's no qualifying what you said, because it's just plain wrong.

 

It might have turned out the same way if you had behaved "normally". No one is questioning. Not to mention that this guy is guiltless. He could have stepped up to the plate to be a big person, by refusing to have sex with you when you were clearly so ambivalent about it, but he didn't. He could have also let you down gently the next day.

 

But with the way you behaved, IMO it could not have turned out well unless he had his own plethora of issues. I'm about as non-judgmental as they come, and I would have still thought, "crazy", if a guy acted that way with me... with the flip flopping on the sex, the stopping in the middle, etc.

 

So, to avoid scaring people away, you really do need to modify your behavior. You need to realize people are not in your head, and don't understand the thought process behind the action.

 

Regarding the predisposition to be disliked, I felt the same way until a couple of years ago. Now I realize people are just uncomfortable around uncomfortable people. So, you're partly right: if you appear as uncomfortable and insecure as you tend to sound, there's no doubt that many (tho not all) will want to avoid your presence. But this is easily fixable once you start thinking differently of your role in, and the meaning of, social interactions.

 

For what it's worth, nowadays, I get a lot of I love you's and You're my favorite person's, from strangers and others who don't know me that well. I tend to think that it's because the mission I am on each time I go out, is making everyone feel comfortable (trick I learned as a stripper ).

[Mad Max]

1) my interest may grow. I haven't met him yet, so maybe we'll click in person.

 

2) it's good practice.

 

 

You go out with someone because you are interested in them and may want to take things further. Not because you think interest may grow. You're doing it for the wrong reasons.

[K'aycie]

You go out with someone because you are interested in them and may want to take things further. Not because you think interest may grow. You're doing it for the wrong reasons.

 

I think she means, she is going on a date with a second guy, and it's their first date (?)

 

In which case, she hasn't met him yet and in person is much different.

[shadowplay]

You go out with someone because you are interested in them and may want to take things further. Not because you think interest may grow. You're doing it for the wrong reasons.

 

then I wouldn't go out with anyone from this site, because it's nearly impossible for me to be interested in someone who is just a combination of pixels on a screen. The other guy was the one exception, but I just built up some image of him in my head.