Ugh, feel used... :(

[Star Gazer]

Last night was quite busy here, wasn't it? I think SadandConfused gets props for calling that he'd contact her.

 

Uh, that's NOT a good thing. She made her prediction based on her own sh*tty experience with her politician guy. She predicting the same nonsense she experienced.

[Mme. Chaucer]

So if you think I can't write him off as stringing me along, why shouldn't I try to see him again and see if I can be cool this time around and not act crazy?

 

Wouldn't that be learning from my mistakes?

 

Btw, I haven't made up my mind either way. Just playing devil's advocate.

 

I guess you (and we) will know if you learned from your mistakes by your behavior.

 

By the way, that includes obsessively posting about it here and letting it all dominate your mind.

 

I've said before that from what I know of you, which is limited to LS posts, you don't seem to have the emotional wherewithal to be healthy about dating or relationships. IMO you need to "hit bottom" (like we say in AA) and get so screwed over by YOUR OWN CHOICES AND BEHAVIOR that you are willing to do anything you need to in order to leave all that behind.

 

That has nothing to do with ANY guy on earth. And it's a lot more heavy than learning from a mistake. In cases like yours and mine, the "mistake" permeates and defines every aspect of our lives.

 

Meanwhile, when I was your age and ruining my own self and life, I certainly would have gone out with the guy again.

 

This time, how about just imposing some immutable boundaries that absolutely cannot be trespassed regardless of your "feelings."

[dispatch3d]

I guess you (and we) will know if you learned from your mistakes by your behavior.

 

By the way, that includes obsessively posting about it here and letting it all dominate your mind.

 

I've said before that from what I know of you, which is limited to LS posts, you don't seem to have the emotional wherewithal to be healthy about dating or relationships. IMO you need to "hit bottom" (like we say in AA) and get so screwed over by YOUR OWN CHOICES AND BEHAVIOR that you are willing to do anything you need to in order to leave all that behind.

 

That has nothing to do with ANY guy on earth. And it's a lot more heavy than learning from a mistake. In cases like yours and mine, the "mistake" permeates and defines every aspect of our lives.

 

Meanwhile, when I was your age and ruining my own self and life, I certainly would have gone out with the guy again.

 

This time, how about just imposing some immutable boundaries that absolutely cannot be trespassed regardless of your "feelings."

 

I think she's already realized she's making mistakes and very self-aware of what they are. Or at least pretty damn self-aware. That's the first step. She's coming to realizations on her own now too. There's no need to think she isn't that far from making the changes she needs to acting in a healthy manner.

 

So yeah, just go see him again. The way he reacted to your emotional outburst is just his way of dealing with you at this point in time. It won't reflect the way he reacts to you at later points in time. It's a positive he realized that contacting you right away would (likely) have only fed into your insecurities. He was just waiting for you to calm down a bit I think.

[Kamille]

I was pretty amazed yesterday at how rapidly your mood changed. I think it speaks volume as to how much progress you are making.

 

Before agreeing to another date with him, I'm not sure you shouldn't prioritize 1) picking out a few feel-good hobbies 2) meeting those other guys you mentioned from OKC.

 

Also, how would you go about replying to the text he sent, where he pretty much put the onus of setting up the date on you? Before this whole thread even started, you had agreed that you would let him take the lead once in awhile. Remember?

 

Since I don't fear rejection, were I in your shoes, I would feel like planting the ball in his court by answering something like: "Yes I would love to see you again. What did you have in mind?" I would let him set the next date if he wanted another date.

 

But you really fear rejection. So I don't think this is good advice for you. So, my question is: how do you see yourself going about it?

[SadandConfusedWA]

Shadow, this may come a surprise to you, but I also think that you should see him again. If you don't, you will forever regret it. I am serious. Just because things with me and politician are identical so far doesn't automatically mean that they will end the same.

 

More importantly, you can change and control your behavior and impulses from now and not act like I did. I basically continued to pressure him into dates, then either canceled or was passive aggressive and acted "withdrawn" because I felt I pressured him...and it also involved de-friending him and re-friending him from FB twice in few short weeks and telling him off when he once didn't respond to my IM within 10 minutes.

 

You don't have to do any of that. You can go and have fun and NOT contact him after the next date AT ALL. If it helps don't even go on IM. He needs to be the first to reach out and he needs to be the first to set up the next date. That way, you can regain some footing here.

[Cee]

Maybe it's because I'm older or not hot, but I haven't found a LTR via OKC. I think LTRs are relatively uncommon. Typically, I go on 1-3 dates and either he or I am not interested. Guys I've talked to have experienced the same with online dating.

 

I went off OKC for a year & wouldn't you know it, I saw a ton of the same guys one year later. I dated a couple of people who got in LTRs via OKC. I knew that because we stayed friendly after dating a bit. And both of them experienced break ups a few months later and sure enough they are back on OKC.

 

I date with zero expectations of a relationship. But they do happen sometimes. To other people. I was on a first date with a guy last week. He was talking about his good friend that he met on OKC. They dated but she wasn't into him. And he mentioned she had met someone else and is in a relationship with a professor from X university. I told him I dated a guy via OKC who was a professor from the same university, but he wasn't into me. Turns out it was the same guy.

 

I'm not seeing we need to give up online dating, but I think it's helpful to keep expectations in check.

 

P.S. The guy I dated last week is still in the picture. We had a great 2nd date last night, but it's too soon to have real feelings about it. I'm going to wait and see how things unfold.

[dispatch3d]

Shadow, this may come a surprise to you, but I also think that you should see him again. If you don't, you will forever regret it. I am serious. Just because things with me and politician are identical so far doesn't automatically mean that they will end the same.

 

More importantly, you can change and control your behavior and impulses from now and not act like I did. I basically continued to pressure him into dates, then either canceled or was passive aggressive and acted "withdrawn" because I felt I pressured him...and it also involved de-friending him and re-friending him from FB twice in few short weeks and telling him off when he once didn't respond to my IM within 10 minutes.

 

You don't have to do any of that. You can go and have fun and NOT contact him after the next date AT ALL. If it helps don't even go on IM. He needs to be the first to reach out and he needs to be the first to set up the next date. That way, you can regain some footing here.

 

Yeah, no need to overadjust. You don't have to go cold for no reason.

 

Cee I like your idea. "Sure I'd love to do something. What do you have in mind?" is fine. This isn't some kind of game you are playing. If Cee thinks this way will be the hardest and require you to be more secure with rejection we will do it the hard way. The only way to get over fears is to run headon into them. Scared of heights? Jump out of a plane - no longer scared of heights. Scared of rejection? Ask people out, take the more difficult path - no longer scared of rejection.

 

This is easier than jumping off a plane.

 

You are just sending a text telling him to schedule it.

 

ABSOLUTELY NO FLAKING ALLOWED. ZERO. If you can't make the time he suggests counter-suggest one you can make.

 

NO FLAKING! Everything the above poster just mentioned is not allowed to happen.

[shadowplay]

well, I already sent him a text early this afternoon that said : lol, how about thurs? Wish I had seen Kamille's suggestion first.

 

I don't know why I added the lol. Maybe it was a bit passive aggressive, but I think it also broke the seriousness of my tone earlier. I turned off my phone. I dn't want to obsess about whether he'll text me back or how soon.

 

I'm pretty sure we'll see each other again. If I do end up having sex with him again, it will only be if I feel ready and comfortable. It's hard to say until I see him.

 

Oh man. Even though the sex was awkward, he is soooo hot. I'm kind of excited.

[dispatch3d]

well, I already sent him a text early this afternoon that said : lol, how about thurs? Wish I had seen Kamille's suggestion first.

 

I don't know why I added the lol. Maybe it was a bit passive aggressive, but I think it also broke the seriousness of my tone earlier. I turned off my phone. I dn't want to obsess about whether he'll text me back or how soon.

 

I'm pretty sure we'll see each other again. If I do end up having sex with him again, it will only be if I feel ready and comfortable. It's hard to say until I see him.

 

Oh man. Even though the sex was awkward, he is soooo hot. I'm kind of excited.

 

stop analyzing everything . The lol thing...

[Kamille]

well, I already sent him a text early this afternoon that said : lol, how about thurs?

 

I honestly think this is a better option for you than what I suggested.

 

So good job, don't fret and keep up the positive attitude!

[shadowplay]

I honestly think this is a better option for you than what I suggested.

 

So good job, don't fret and keep up the positive attitude!

 

thanks! he texted me back soon after that thursday is good for him and asked me what I wanted to do. But I didn't get his message until five hours later, because I had turned off my phone (thank god). I wrote back that we could maybe play a game of scrabble/boggle and also look for something fun to do around town, but i sort of left it open-ended. I don't want to plan the whole thing. we'll see.. i turned off my phone again, and probably will keep it off for a few hours.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I think it's very wise of you to turn off your phone. Now that you have a date planned, why don't you keep yourself completely busy with your real life friends, school, hobby, whatever, until that time comes.

[shadowplay]

I think it's very wise of you to turn off your phone. Now that you have a date planned, why don't you keep yourself completely busy with your real life friends, school, hobby, whatever, until that time comes.

 

yeah, that's my plan. It's kind of tricky, though, because I end up needing my phone for other things. I wish there was just some way of blocking his message until later.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Try to act confident, light, and fun on the date. Don't discuss anything emotional - pretend like you never sent those messages.

[shadowplay]

Try to act confident, light, and fun on the date. Don't discuss anything emotional - pretend like you never sent those messages.

 

Lol, yeah I will. I started taking this new ADD medication today and it actually really lifted my mood. Hopefully it helps on the date.

 

But honestly, the fact that I know he's at least moderately physically attracted to me takes off a lot of the pressure, and will make it easier on this next date I think.

[2sunny]

especially with the add meds (many are akin to speed) can you try not to drink on the date? that would give you a chance at better judgment and decisions made.

[elaina]

thanks! he texted me back soon after that thursday is good for him and asked me what I wanted to do. But I didn't get his message until five hours later, because I had turned off my phone (thank god). I wrote back that we could maybe play a game of scrabble/boggle and also look for something fun to do around town, but i sort of left it open-ended. I don't want to plan the whole thing. we'll see.. i turned off my phone again, and probably will keep it off for a few hours.

 

 

That's awesome! Playing scrabble sounds like a great idea where ya'll can get to know each other better and enjoy other things in life! I hope that comes about and that ya'll have a blast!

 

Just don't worry about whether he likes you or not. Have fun and get to know him! (and be careful please!) Don't give him your or your body until you trust him and know he cares for you!!!

Edited September 13, 2010 by elaina

[SadandConfusedWA]

You should also try to make conversational connection. Empty your mind of all worries when you are with him and enjoy the moment. Unless you connect on levels other than physical (in real life) it's not going to last.

[shadowplay]

OK, I just spoke with my mother and now I'm even more confused about how to proceed.

 

She thinks he's definitely using me for sex. Also, she thinks that my reply message back to his inquiry about what I wanted to do on Thursday sounded suggestive: "not sure. maybe scrabble/boggle and something else?" What do you guys think? Obviously, I didn't intend it that way. I meant like we could figure out something else to do, but I wasn't sure what. But then he responded back "Sounds good!" Am I reading too much into things?

 

Also, my mother strongly advised me not to go back to his place. The trouble is I know I"ll probably want to at least make out, even if I don't feel up for sex. But if I don't go back to his place do I seem like a giant tease or crazy girl after we had sex last time?

 

Sigh...

 

I just want to have a good time, but I don't want to make a mistake along the way this time.

 

I know you guys think I shouldn't be analyzing this to death, but I really want to be careful this time around.

[2sunny]

OK, I just spoke with my mother and now I'm even more confused about how to proceed.

 

She thinks he's definitely using me for sex. Also, she thinks that my reply message back to his inquiry about what I wanted to do on Thursday sounded suggestive: "not sure. maybe scrabble/boggle and something else?" What do you guys think? Obviously, I didn't intend it that way. I meant like we could figure out something else to do, but I wasn't sure what. But then he responded back "Sounds good!" Am I reading too much into things?

 

Also, my mother strongly advised me not to go back to his place. The trouble is I know I"ll probably want to at least make out, even if I don't feel up for sex. But if I don't go back to his place do I seem like a giant tease or crazy girl after we had sex last time?

 

Sigh...

 

I just want to have a good time, but I don't want to make a mistake along the way this time.

 

I know you guys think I shouldn't be analyzing this to death, but I really want to be careful this time around.

 

why not plan to go to the movie and a walk afterwards? try not to go back to his place this time - he will expect sex... and this time may not be the best to be put in that situation.

 

go slow. enjoy getting to know him. maybe a casual dinner?

 

set a boundary that you feel safe and comfortable with - one that doesn't compromise your self esteem.

[dispatch3d]

OK, I just spoke with my mother and now I'm even more confused about how to proceed.

 

She thinks he's definitely using me for sex. Also, she thinks that my reply message back to his inquiry about what I wanted to do on Thursday sounded suggestive: "not sure. maybe scrabble/boggle and something else?" What do you guys think? Obviously, I didn't intend it that way. I meant like we could figure out something else to do, but I wasn't sure what. But then he responded back "Sounds good!" Am I reading too much into things?

 

Also, my mother strongly advised me not to go back to his place. The trouble is I know I"ll probably want to at least make out, even if I don't feel up for sex. But if I don't go back to his place do I seem like a giant tease or crazy girl after we had sex last time?

 

Sigh...

 

I just want to have a good time, but I don't want to make a mistake along the way this time.

 

I know you guys think I shouldn't be analyzing this to death, but I really want to be careful this time around.

 

Do not listen to your mother. Stop asking her for dating advice. She isn't an expert. Why you think she is is beyond me. You have 30 people here giving you advice. Stop with that. Part of your mindset is a result of parental/your surroundings as you grew up. It's hard to explain, but in your "formative" years you would have gotten a mindset on dating that is one way. You don't know what factors were most influential but they are not all positive - for sure. If they were you would be better at adjusting to some things.

 

I'm in no way implying your mother is necessarily the major problem or whatever. Frankly it is irrelevant who influenced you. It doesn't matter. You are working through these problems with the help of SOME other people and mostly THROUGH YOURSELF. Stop going to every tom dick and harry who is willing to listen for dating advice. Half of your problem is constantly thinking about these things. Calling your mother telling her about them isn't helpful.

 

You can still talk to her about whats up with your love life. Just don't go at it from "what should I do" or "omg this happened". This isn't a source of entertainment. Making it so is not helpful.

 

Personally, if I wanted to use someone for sex I wouldn't want them to be either a lot of work or the sex to be meh. I think your constant sabotage is causing both of these things to be misaligned so its more likely he isn't in it for sex.

 

You need to figure some **** out on your own here. You can easily elect to take things more slowly. For you, it seems like a decent idea to set a boundary that you WILL NOT cross at this point in time knowing you can cross it 2-3 dates down the line. Just let him know you want to take things a little slower and you feel like you're rushing into things right now.

 

I don't suggest you keep these rules. Just use them like the shutting off your phone thing to get your behaviour correct so your mind will adjust. Like tell yourself on making out, or only second base, or whatever. Just decide exactly what beforehand and don't go farther. It doesn't sound like he's pushy anyways. He seems mostly polite.

[shadowplay]

why not plan to go to the movie and a walk afterwards? try not to go back to his place this time - he will expect sex... and this time may not be the best to be put in that situation.

 

go slow. enjoy getting to know him. maybe a casual dinner?

 

set a boundary that you feel safe and comfortable with - one that doesn't compromise your self esteem.

 

Yeah, I think I will do this.

 

OK, no more thinking on this.

[dispatch3d]

I retract the "mostly polite" thing. Chalk that up to me being a guy who deep down doesn't want other guys getting laid. I annoy myself sometimes. Yeah kinda weird.

[2sunny]

Yeah, I think I will do this.

 

OK, no more thinking on this.

 

ok. concentrate more on what YOUR healthy boundary looks like.

 

for me, my guidelines are simple... happy, healthy and safe... if it's not - i don't do it and i don't tolerate it.

 

you are allowed to say "that doesn't work for me."

[shadowplay]

Do not listen to your mother. Stop asking her for dating advice. She isn't an expert. Why you think she is is beyond me. You have 30 people here giving you advice. Stop with that. Part of your mindset is a result of parental/your surroundings as you grew up. It's hard to explain, but in your "formative" years you would have gotten a mindset on dating that is one way. You don't know what factors were most influential but they are not all positive - for sure. If they were you would be better at adjusting to some things.

 

I'm in no way implying your mother is necessarily the major problem or whatever. Frankly it is irrelevant who influenced you. It doesn't matter. You are working through these problems with the help of SOME other people and mostly THROUGH YOURSELF. Stop going to every tom dick and harry who is willing to listen for dating advice. Half of your problem is constantly thinking about these things. Calling your mother telling her about them isn't helpful.

 

You can still talk to her about whats up with your love life. Just don't go at it from "what should I do" or "omg this happened". This isn't a source of entertainment. Making it so is not helpful.

 

Personally, if I wanted to use someone for sex I wouldn't want them to be either a lot of work or the sex to be meh. I think your constant sabotage is causing both of these things to be misaligned so its more likely he isn't in it for sex.

 

You need to figure some **** out on your own here. You can easily elect to take things more slowly. For you, it seems like a decent idea to set a boundary that you WILL NOT cross at this point in time knowing you can cross it 2-3 dates down the line. Just let him know you want to take things a little slower and you feel like you're rushing into things right now.

 

I don't suggest you keep these rules. Just use them like the shutting off your phone thing to get your behaviour correct so your mind will adjust. Like tell yourself on making out, or only second base, or whatever. Just decide exactly what beforehand and don't go farther. It doesn't sound like he's pushy anyways. He seems mostly polite.

 

So what in her advice do you think I shouldn't follow? Do you agree that it's a bad idea for me to go back to his place. If I do, I probably won't want to have sex -- just make out. So it seems like in going back to his place I'd be a tease, leading him on, since he'll expect sex. Isn't this the same mixed messages I was guilty of before?