*sigh* I dont get it

[WowReally]

So a couple I know has been split up for a few months due to infidelity and other marital issues but they've continued MC and IC while apart. They get together once or twice a week to keep things civil and to keep up appearances for friends and family from my honest perspective.

 

At any rate the couple got together the other night and I guess all went well until the BS started machine gunning questions at the H while he was trying to leave. The BS was half in the bag which from what I keep hearing is not unusual when they go out. Needless to say this little spat threw him for a loop and he ended up semi venting to me about how things happened.

 

Part of me feels bad for him because they obviously dont want their marriage to end but at the same time their marriage is sooo dysfunctional Im not sure why anyone would want back into it. Comfort zone? Money? I think yes to both.

 

Im not sure Im looking for opinions/feedback...I guess Im just venting because I know if I were in their shoes Id be as civil as possible and find my way out of that mess.

[BB07]

So a couple I know has been split up for a few months due to infidelity and other marital issues but they've continued MC and IC while apart. They get together once or twice a week to keep things civil and to keep up appearances for friends and family from my honest perspective.

 

At any rate the couple got together the other night and I guess all went well until the BS started machine gunning questions at the H while he was trying to leave. The BS was half in the bag which from what I keep hearing is not unusual when they go out. Needless to say this little spat threw him for a loop and he ended up semi venting to me about how things happened.

 

Part of me feels bad for him because they obviously dont want their marriage to end but at the same time their marriage is sooo dysfunctional Im not sure why anyone would want back into it. Comfort zone? Money? I think yes to both.

 

Im not sure Im looking for opinions/feedback...I guess Im just venting because I know if I were in their shoes Id be as civil as possible and find my way out of that mess.

 

Is this your MM?

[WowReally]

yes it is

 

Never thought Id be the ow but here I am...much to my chagrin...c'est la vie.

[BB07]

yes it is

 

Never thought Id be the ow but here I am...much to my chagrin...c'est la vie.

 

Oh OK, well glad you fessed up.

[BB07]

There aren't any clear cut answers as others who've been in a similar situation can tell you.

 

It might be the best if you could concentrate on what is tolerable to you about the situation or if it is tolerable and then make a decision about what you are going to do instead of driving yourself nuts trying to figure out why they are doing what they are doing. Truth is......you will probably never figure them out. Work on you.

[TaraMaiden]

well with all due respect, it's not for you to go poking your nose in. You already phook her H, so the fact that he's busy apparently trying to salvage his M, should give you more cause for concern.

 

What's your role in either helping him salvage his marriage (and therefore backing off, cutting contact and keeping well away) or destroying it once and for all, by insisting he leave his wife for good, and you don't see him until it's a done deal?

 

Just asking.

Really.

[WowReally]

Truth is......you will probably never figure them out. Work on you.

 

Yes Im realizing this...again I know he has guilt which is probably why he's trying to be as civil as possible and dragging out a decision.

 

I definitely have a world and life aside from him so Im not fearing the lack of distraction...I dont really have any fears at all just the pain of the loss I know I'll go through...for someone else's man. When I write it out and read it it sounds sooooo stupid! I just shake my head and say "wow really?!"

[WowReally]

What's your role in either helping him salvage his marriage (and therefore backing off, cutting contact and keeping well away) or destroying it once and for all, by insisting he leave his wife for good, and you don't see him until it's a done deal?

 

Actually Im not destroying this marriage single handedly...there are three of us. I wish I could tell you his marriage was a mess due to his cheating alone but again that is just NOT the case. Their marriage has been a mess for years and years! The affair is just the icing on the poop cake.

 

I do NOT chase him nor do I insist that he leave his wife...he always finds his way back to ME and I foolishly take him back because Im a sucker!

[TaraMaiden]

I do NOT chase him nor do I insist that he leave his wife...he always finds his way back to ME and I foolishly take him back because Im a sucker!

 

look, if their relationship is this dysfunctional, really - do you honestly want to sell your dignity down the Swanee by playing into it?

Stop being a sucker!

 

Give him an ultimatum, because right now, he's playing you both for his own comfort. He has you, he has her. Doubtless he has sex with her, and doubtless he has sex with you.

 

If you don't give him a plate to step up to, this is going to run and run....

Don't let him snap his fingers and get you jumping!

[BB07]

Actually Im not destroying this marriage single handedly...there are three of us. I wish I could tell you his marriage was a mess due to his cheating alone but again that is just NOT the case. Their marriage has been a mess for years and years! The affair is just the icing on the poop cake.

 

I do NOT chase him nor do I insist that he leave his wife...he always finds his way back to ME and I foolishly take him back because Im a sucker!

 

Don't be a sucker! Realize you deserve better and if he has made such a mess of his marriage and his relationship with you, then the odds aren't stacked in your favor. Sad for you, but you know it's true. Do you really want a man who can't clean up his own mess for years and years? What does that say about him? It's not good is it?

[Spark1111]

Actually Im not destroying this marriage single handedly...there are three of us. I wish I could tell you his marriage was a mess due to his cheating alone but again that is just NOT the case. Their marriage has been a mess for years and years! The affair is just the icing on the poop cake.

 

I do NOT chase him nor do I insist that he leave his wife...he always finds his way back to ME and I foolishly take him back because Im a sucker!

 

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.

 

Many MM live in a state of perpetual confusion, IMHO.

 

Unhappy in the marriage, but unwilling to leave it or invest themselves 100% into it to fixing it. Somewhat cowardly, I think, and UNFAIR to BOTH the OW and the BS.

 

And as long as he continues to vent his marital frustrations to you, safe to say he is NOT 100% invested in fixing it. You cannot fix your marriage while still in contact with your AP. It just cannot be done.

 

So around here, you will here the advice to go total No Contact (NC): no texts, phone calls, emails, meet ups.

 

Why? Because it forces the very confused MM to make a choice. NC with the AP or NC with the spouse, who frequently throws the WS out, forcing a decision.

 

But a decision has to be made, none the less, or this nonsense can go on FOR YEARS!

 

If his wife has not thrown him out after the umpteenth time of discovering his cheating, she maybe never will.

 

So your choices are to continue to speak with him, where you run the risk of being sucked back into a relationship going nowhere, OR go NC completely and move on with your own life, or accept the relationship as is.

 

Good luck to you!

[WowReally]

Stop being a sucker!

 

So much easier said than done...but yes I know

 

Give him an ultimatum, because right now, he's playing you both for his own comfort. He has you, he has her. Doubtless he has sex with her, and doubtless he has sex with you.

 

Seeing that they're not living together I know that they're not...unfortunately for her he's not that into her in that way.

 

If you don't give him a plate to step up to, this is going to run and run....Don't let him snap his fingers and get you jumping!

 

I'd love to give him an ultimatum but right now I think his W is putting him through the ringer right now so Im just backing off as Im not convinced he's ready to end his marriage.

 

No one snaps their fingers in this relationship...we're either available or busy...I havent seen him in days because we've both been doing our own things.

 

Ive told him no booty calls...wine and dine me and then we'll see.

[WowReally]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.

 

Many MM live in a state of perpetual confusion, IMHO.

 

Unhappy in the marriage, but unwilling to leave it or invest themselves 100% into it to fixing it. Somewhat cowardly, I think, and UNFAIR to BOTH the OW and the BS.

 

And as long as he continues to vent his marital frustrations to you, safe to say he is NOT 100% invested in fixing it. You cannot fix your marriage while still in contact with your AP. It just cannot be done.

 

So around here, you will here the advice to go total No Contact (NC): no texts, phone calls, emails, meet ups.

 

Why? Because it forces the very confused MM to make a choice. NC with the AP or NC with the spouse, who frequently throws the WS out, forcing a decision.

 

But a decision has to be made, none the less, or this nonsense can go on FOR YEARS!

 

If his wife has not thrown him out after the umpteenth time of discovering his cheating, she maybe never will.

 

So your choices are to continue to speak with him, where you run the risk of being sucked back into a relationship going nowhere, OR go NC completely and move on with your own life, or accept the relationship as is.

 

Good luck to you!

 

Im sorry Im in this situation too as it's not as black and white as I would like so it's kind of scary and twisted as again I never thought this would happen to me.

 

Thank you...yes alot of what you're saying rings true...Im not convinced he's really ready to end his marriage...there's a lot of fear for both of them. Comfort zone mostly.

[WowReally]

Don't be a sucker! Realize you deserve better and if he has made such a mess of his marriage and his relationship with you, then the odds aren't stacked in your favor. Sad for you, but you know it's true. Do you really want a man who can't clean up his own mess for years and years? What does that say about him? It's not good is it?

 

Well I can rationalize and say this is their first try at MC and I can say that they fell into denial and a comfort zone previous times and this is the snowball effect that they find themselves in. I could also say neither of them took action to clean up their messes...time will tell

[jj33]

The hardest part Wow is that its not for you to analyze their marriage. Its wasted energy.

 

What you believe, what you think they should do or are ready to do is immaterial.

 

Hes there. Hes working on it or even if hes not, hes there. Whether its comfort zone or something else. Hes there.

 

And if youve read the other stories, wild horses cant drag someone away until they are ready to end their marriage.

 

I know its painful

Edited September 12, 2010 by jj33

[WowReally]

The hardest part Wow is that its not for you to analyze their marriage. Its wasted energy.

 

What you believe, what you think they should do or are ready to do is immaterial.

 

Hes there. Hes working on it or even if hes not, hes there. Whether its comfort zone or something else. Hes there.

 

And if youve read the other stories, wild horses cant drag someone away until they are ready to end their marriage.

 

I know its painful

 

I know I shouldnt analyze but its what I do...just trying to figure out why? I dont give my 2 cents anymore as it falls on deaf ears. He's going to do what he's going to do and that is that.

 

I've told him on more than one occassion that he shouldnt even be talking to me if he's really not ready to leave his wife which also falls on deaf ears.

 

It's the withdrawl that gets bad after a few days...but I just have to remember that he's not mine therefore I have no right to be get upset should he choose to not talk to me any longer or to stay with his wife...etc

 

Oy....

[jj33]

I beg to differ. What you need to realize is that you are not his therapist and you deserve more than to be dragged back and forth like a slinky while he boo hoos about the state of his marriage.

 

If he were really working on it, he would enforce NC.

 

Hes cake eating and you are letting him.

 

Cut the cord. Tell him you deserve more and unless and until he leaves and can give it to you, he should not contact you.

[WowReally]

I beg to differ. What you need to realize is that you are not his therapist and you deserve more than to be dragged back and forth like a slinky while he boo hoos about the state of his marriage.

 

If he were really working on it, he would enforce NC.

 

Hes cake eating and you are letting him.

 

Cut the cord. Tell him you deserve more and unless and until he leaves and can give it to you, he should not contact you.

 

It's kind of like trying to quit smoking...it takes a few tries before we'll get the hang of NC. The longest we've gone to date is 10 days.

 

We have not been in contact today at all and I'll be surprised if I hear from him tomorrow. I will not initiate contact either.

[Ellin]

The hardest part Wow is that its not for you to analyze their marriage. Its wasted energy.

 

What you believe, what you think they should do or are ready to do is immaterial.

 

Hes there. Hes working on it or even if hes not, hes there. Whether its comfort zone or something else. Hes there.

 

And if youve read the other stories, wild horses cant drag someone away until they are ready to end their marriage.

 

I know its painful

Sometimes one needs to know the answer to "WHY". It might help to look at things from a different perspective and get some peace of mind.

[pureinheart]

Hi WR,

 

I guess, and I think this was answered in another thread you have going...although you need to make the decision of whether you can handle being with him and M too.

 

If you can handle it, then I would say throw it up in the air...there iss a 50% change that their M will make it based on what you said...so in a nutshell right now it could go either way...set him free, if he comes back D, then he's yours forever, if not then he nevber was...

 

I wish I had that profound revelation for you that makes everything ok...

[WowReally]

Hi WR,

 

I guess, and I think this was answered in another thread you have going...although you need to make the decision of whether you can handle being with him and M too.

 

If you can handle it, then I would say throw it up in the air...there iss a 50% change that their M will make it based on what you said...so in a nutshell right now it could go either way...set him free, if he comes back D, then he's yours forever, if not then he nevber was...

 

I wish I had that profound revelation for you that makes everything ok...

 

Thank you...time will tell. I will let him go and we'll see...I have to let him go no matter how much I dont want to. It just wount be fair if I bullied him much like his wife does.

[Owl]

I beg to differ. What you need to realize is that you are not his therapist and you deserve more than to be dragged back and forth like a slinky while he boo hoos about the state of his marriage.

 

If he were really working on it, he would enforce NC.

 

Hes cake eating and you are letting him.

 

Cut the cord. Tell him you deserve more and unless and until he leaves and can give it to you, he should not contact you.

 

Here's the thing. As long as he still has you to confide in...he'll never have a true chance at re-establishing that communication with his wife.

 

I'll agree that you're not the only problem in their marriage.

 

But as long as you're still in the equation in any fashion...that undermines any effort they make to reconcile.

 

You're NOT his therapist.

 

If you want to help him...set the boundaries that JJ suggested. Make it clear that you're not going to be part of the equation any more. Either he works on the marriage, or he works on the relationship with you. But doing both sets both efforts backwards, not forwards.

 

Stop being his sounding board...stop trying to be his therapist. Tell him to listen to his MC and IC...and communicate with them and with her.

 

If he can't do that...then he needs to end his marriage, and see what might come in a relationship with you at that point.

 

You need to do this for him, but most especially yourself.

 

The longer you accept the situation...the longer you're going to hurt.

[TigerCub]

Sometimes one needs to know the answer to "WHY". It might help to look at things from a different perspective and get some peace of mind.

 

I completely agree with that - I at least know its true for me.

Unfortunately, we don't always get answers.

 

Sorry you're going through a tough time WR.

[WowReally]

Yea it sucks but as the day goes on I am more confident in my decision as his actions contradicted the words that came out of his mouth.