Seeing ex-husband, obsessed with his ex-girlfriend

[nonstoptears]

Yes, you read that right.

 

After being divorced for 5 years and a lot of water under the bridge, we have agreed to explore a second chance with other. We are in our 50s were married for 30 years. Neither one of us cheated on each other while we were married, I was the one who filed for the divorce - he did not want it. I've had 2 boyfriends over the past 5 years. Both guys were pretty disappointing and the first realtionship lasted for 1 year and the second for 6 months. I broke it off both times. The problem is my ex was in a relationship for three years with the same woman. He said he never loved her, never told her he loved her, never used endearing names. I can't understand why he would stay with someone he had no plans on committing to. BUT my biggest hang up is that after we had planned on getting together and he had made arrangements to fly here, (we don't live in the same state) he followed his usual routine and that weekend he went to stay with her, supposedly because they had a holiday commitment planned, and he spent the night with her. The next day after the "event", he broke up with her. That was the onset of my obsession! I asked him if they made love and he said he couldn't remember! After talking in great length about how much we still cared for each other, and arranging to meet again, he did what he had always done. I felt like he cheated on me!

 

I am obsessed with her! I'm angry she was included in family things. She was furious with him when he broke it off and insists on still being in touch with some of the family members. I can't get her out of my mind! I want to know what she looks . I want to know about their sex life. What it was like - it goes on and on. I nag and cry and get angry because he won't divulge a lot of this information. I am so sad with all of it. I'm having trouble forgiving and I'm making him miserable along with myself. It's like this woman is in bed with us. When we make love, I'm wondering if he's comparing us

 

What do you think? Is this hopeless? Will I ever be able to forgive this man? I have no doubt that he loves me. He wants to tell our grown up married kids that we are seeing each other again. I'm resisting that because I'm afraid I'll never be able to let this woman go and get over this. I am in a constant state of melancholy. He will be flying in next weekend (this will be the 4th time in two months) I'm having so much trouble shaking the sadness, I'm wondering if I should turn on my heels one more time, and chock this up as more than I can deal with.

 

I don't know who I'm more angry with - me or him!

 

Please, I need your feedback.

 

nonstoptears

[Reckless]

I'm sorry, I'm a little bit confused here. Your husband had a 3 year relationship after a divorce you asked for. When he realized there was a chance of getting back together with you he broke up with her. You've been seeing each other ever since. You're angry with him why? What did he do that he needs your forgiveness for? having sex when he was legally single and free to do so? Committing to a relationship and being faithful to that woman? Or would it be, not dumping her fast enough following a few conversations (and no promises) from you?

 

I'm sorry for your pain but I quite frankly read your post a few times and could not see what your ex-husband did wrong. He is acting with utmost integrity by not divulging intimate details of his sexual relationship with this woman - that was private between him and her and you gave up the right over his body when you divorced him. He is being true at least to the feelings they shared whatever they were. His good character serves as a guarantee that conversely he didn't divulge intimate details of your 30 relationship to her, instead of commending his discretion you're punishing him (and yourself).

 

How they ended their relationship, if they made love a final time that day or not is absolutely none of your business. You were married a long time (30 years is about 29 years longer than the average), so it must be hard to accept that for those 5 years he didn't belong to you, but he didn't and you have to let that period of his life go. Maybe I'm mis-understanding here, maybe he had already started a sexual relationship with you BEFORE he broke up with his ex. but even then at the time, YOU not her were the other woman thus your anger and sense of betrayal are still unjustified.

 

In any case, it's clear your ex husband has a great deal of love for you, he has accepted that you had past lovers can't you do the same?

 

You can continue to obsess and drive him right back into that woman's arms (I guarantee you he'll go if you keep on) or let it go and face the future with hope. If she's in the bed it's you that's inviting her there. Keep building what you have with your ex and if it's good don't spoil it with these thoughts, it would be so sad after the road you've both travelled.

[nonstoptears]

Dear Reckless,

 

Thank you for your response. Yes, it does sound rather absurd and reading your response took me out of myself for a moment. I appreciate your deliberate kindness because you could have blasted me.

 

No, my ex and I had not had sex before his break up with his girlfriend. Since my post, I spoke with him and he finally admitted that he did have a last attempt at sex with her the last night they were together, before he broke it off. Of course, my intuition told me he had but he kept denying it. He was furious with me and said I finally "got it out of him".

 

Do you mean that you think there is nothing wrong with having sex with her after the two of us had agreed to explore the possibility of us being together again? I feel like the rug was ripped out from under me It saddens me because I don't believe he took my feelings into consideration. It took a lot of courage to admit I still cared for him and agreeing to revisit our relationship.

 

I went ballistic on him after his admission and said a lot of really mean things through clenched teeth. I told him I never wanted to talk to him again and to take his airline tickets for this weekend and shove them "you know where"!

 

I don't know if you are familiar with "A Course in Miracles" or any of Marianne Williamsen's books. Her books basically try to teach forgiveness and ultimately returning to love in all of our relationships in life. Needless to say, I feel like I just failed the Course and all of the hours I have spent trying to return to self love, as well as, the love of others, has been thrown out the window.

 

nonstoptears

[reasontosigh]

I feel like I just failed the Course and all of the hours I have spent trying to return to self love, as well as, the love of others, has been thrown out the window.

 

Not necessarily.

 

"One step forward, two steps back" Backsliding is human. We've all done it at one time or another.

 

Just take one step forward again by forgiving yourself first.

[stilllearning]

Nonstoptears, I read your post and wanted to comment. Mostly, I noted that one reply thought his actions were perfectly understandable since you were not actually back together yet. I'm in my 50s and married more than 30 years and my relationship with my wife has some similarities. That is, there are "lines" that have been crossed by both of us that each of us see differently. We were separated about 8 years into our marriage and I spent time with another woman. I've never heard the end of it. 25 years have passed and sometimes she's still obsessed with it and utterly can't stand the thought that I have ever been with another woman. And part of her pain is that when we mutually decided to get back together, my wife said she "needed a little time" first. I broke it off with the other woman before we got back together, but not immediately. On the other hand, she had a boyfriend during that time that I only found out about a year later. The relationship between them continued for several months after we were back together. Of course, I don't know the extent of it, but know there was sex between them and her car was at his apartment after we were back together. Her defense is that it was just sex and then friendship after we were back together. She thinks my relationship was deeper and claims that hurts more. I was forthcoming and she wasn't and, hence, I resent her for that.

 

I guess my summary to all of those years is that we argue about "reason" and "feeling". The comment above that argued that you weren't back together so it shouldn't matter doesn't ease the pain. It might do well in court, but it does little for your heart. There is nothing gender or age specific about how my wife and I differ and I suspect you and your ex-husband (should I use ex" here?) suffer from some of the same --- one argues from "reason" and the other from "feeling" and it's likely that both of you use them interchangeably in different arguments.

 

Will you ever forgive him? Not sure that you ever will, but if you've had 2 unsatisfying relationships and he was willing to end his, there must be something that draws you to each other. We all have to accept each other, even our weaknesses, to continue.

[SoleMate]

Forgive him. What he did was understandable. He was trying to minimize the pain for his gf.

 

I have no doubt that he loves me....When we make love, I'm wondering if he's comparing us.

If he is, you're clearly the winner hands down! Even after everything that has gone on, his actions are showing you 100% love and attachment. He just took 1 extra day to break off his 3 year stopgap relationship! I can see why SHE would be angry...but you have gotten everything you wanted. It is not reasonable to expect him to live the life of a chaste monk after you ended the marriage.

 

I can't understand why he would stay with someone he had no plans on committing to.

Lots of men, particularly those who have been in marriages, just need the logistical/emotional support of a woman. Someone to get out of bed for, someone to fix meals, someone to plan social events. They're like lost puppies without a "boss". He wanted you, but couldn't have you, so he took care of his needs by being with her. And when you called, he dropped her like a rock. I feel sorry for her because I bet she thought she had a boyfriend there who'd be around for a while.

 

When your head knows something is true (your ex loves you and wants to be with you more than anyone), but your gut won't go along with it, you really could use a helping hand. Please try a short spell of counselling with someone who uses cognitive therapy to help you combat the negative assumptions that are destroying your second chance for happiness.

 

I don't know who I'm more angry with - me or him!

Please, for your own sake, forgive both of you!

[nonstoptears]

Solemate,

 

Thank you for your response, I appreciate your kindness. I have had to stay home from work today, since the nonstoptears have turned into a flood. I have spent the day reading, praying and sleeping and right now,I'm numb. It's a relief to feel numb after the intense outbreak of anger and the pain it brings.

 

I have made an appointment with my therapist and will see him this afternoon

 

I'm fearful that I've changed forever, that I will stuff this and feel resentment toward him for years to come. Or will throw it back in his face evry chance I get. That's not how I want to be. I do love this gentle man and I'm not all about long term suffering.

 

What do you think I should do about this weelend? Do you think he should still come for his visit?

 

Thank you,

 

nonstoptears

[MXMom4TT]

Nonstoptears,

 

Stop the tears. I wasted almost a year with a similar situation. When I met my current boyfriend, he had just gotten out of a relationship 34 days before that didn't last quite a year. She was a wretched drunk (verified by his friends and family) and basically not a very nice person. She drained him emotionally and mentally. I was like a breath of fresh air. Well, when we met she would still call. She had left the state, but she would call daily. Sometimes he would answer, sometimes he wouldn't. She would send him unimportant post cards that he put on his wall just because he liked the pictures. Basically, there were some "left overs" from her, whether he wanted there to be or not.

 

I was crazy about this! The few times he talked to her, I felt he was betraying me. Even though he was just trying to reason with her to "go away." I wondered about everything, thinking he was lying and really wanted to be with her. I then found out later she had told him she'd fly him to where she was and he could tell me they were just friends. That really ticked me off! It wasn't until he literally blew up and asked me, "who am I with? who do I come to every night? if you love me, why can't you believe how terrible that relationship was? can't you understand that I had to end it my way? on my terms?"

 

Let it go. Take it from me. Hold him, kiss him, listen to him. Laugh, live and enjoy. If you don't, eventually you will lose him. It won't be worth it anymore. IF he made the decision to be with you, then there is your answer. It is really that simple. If giving it a second chance is whats in your heart, then stop living in the past. He needed to do what he needed to do his way. Period. Now, he is with you. Let him love you and get rid of all that uglyness. You are where your thoughts are. Are your thoughts where you want to be?