He wont marry me after 7 straight years

[Itsmeyouknow]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years now and we've been living together for about 5 years. We've never split up or separated in that time period. So I don't understand why he wont marry me.

 

About 4 years into our relationship I started talking to him about it. He gave me reasons like "I don't think your committed", "I'm not ready to be an adult yet", "I don't think its fare to you because my job makes me have to travel so much". Now over the past year his reason has been the same "I want to but I can't afford it". The thing is, he makes pretty good money. He does pay a lot of bills, but still in even two years time he should have been able to afford a ring.

 

I brought it up to him yesterday and I asked him if it would happen in the next year and he didn't give me an answer, he said basically that he didn't know. It at one point was "we can get engaged by this Christmas" yesterday it was "I don't think it will happen by then"

 

Now I've invested almost 7 years with him, its hard, but at this point I really don't see it happening. He really is a great guy and we get along so well. I don't think I could ever love someone so much, but at what point do I say I love him, but I want a family.

 

I plan on making the day after our anniversary the cut off point, which is in 2 months. I'm not going to leave him then, I don't think I'll be ready. But thats when I plan on telling him that if he doesn't marry me I will leave. I really want to tell him this today.

 

Does anyone have an opinion on the matter? I'd really like to hear it.

[Angel1111]

It has been obvious for some time that he's not interested in marrying you. Be very careful about giving him an ultimatum - that is never a good way to handle things. He knows what he's doing and he knows that he's risking losing you over this issue. Obviously, he's willing to take that chance and knows you don't have enough self-esteem to walk away even though your needs aren't being met. Even though he may be a great guy, he's a great guy who doesn't care about what you want, he's a great guy who isn't motivated to meet your needs. You cannot continue to ignore this glaring fact. I know a guy who lived with a woman for 12 yrs and they had two kids. Never married. He left the country on business, met someone and married her within a year. The point is, if a guy isn't talking about marriage within a yr or a yr and a half after dating someone, they're not likely to marry her. And what usually happens, is that they turn around, start dating someone else and marry them right away.

 

If I were you, I would stop raising this issue with him and deal with the situation as it is. You would be better off asking yourself if you're willing to start a family with a man who isn't fully committed to you. Ask yourself if you're willing to forfeit having a family because you don't have the strength to walk away from a situation that makes you unhappy, or if you're willing to have kids under these circumstances. Personally I think the time for ultimatums and timelines is over with. Either make the decision to be happy with the way things are, or make the decision to leave. It may seem bad that you invested 7 yrs into this relationship, but think about how you're going to feel in 3 more yrs, 5 more yrs, etc. It's your call. Leaving is probably the only way you're going to wake this guy up. If you leave and he really wants to be with you, he'll marry you. If he never plans to marry you, even leaving won't make a difference. But whatever happens, do not move in with him again until you're married. Make this your standard with any guy you're with. Living together before marriage rarely works out.

Edited September 12, 2010 by Angel1111

[Citizen Erased]

Why wait 2 months? He's clearly not going to do it by then.

 

He doesn't have to want to get married, but he should have let his partner of 7 years know that it isn't going to happen rather than putting it off.

[DaisyLeigh]

I say get out and find someone who is interested in marriage and a family. This guy is not the one.

 

But you already know that,.

[BettyBoop]

I don't think I could ever love someone so much, but at what point do I say I love him, but I want a family.

 

You know what? I always thought "I'd never love someone as much as this" with every single man I've been with - yet, been proven wrong. I love each one more each time. You *will* find and love someone else just as much, and even more, because you might meet this great guy who cannot even wait 2 years to make you his wife!

 

Don't waste any more of your time. If you're not ready to leave - then use this time to find out what your options are and work on your self-esteem and looks. Going out of the relationship looking like the amazing woman you are and he might just realise what he was missing out on...

 

Don't let him make you weak. Be strong.

[atlnay]

As a chick with ZERO desire to marry, just wanna offer a different angle by posing a few questions...how old are you guys? Do you have children? Real estate? Is there a financial benefit to marrying now? When do you want to start this family? - if you are in your early 20s with no kids & seperate places, marrying just to marry is a very very bad idea.

[TigerCub]

Atlnay beat me to it.

I was going to ask how old you guys are.

 

I'm amused at all the advice before that that was telling you to just walk away without even considering age.

If you guys are something like 27-28 then yeah I can understand why buddy didn't want to get married 4 years ago.

 

A few years ago, my sister was having the same kind of issue, she's been with her bf for a long time, and he hadn't proposed, when she was asking me what to do - I (like the people above) was of the opinion "oh, it's like investing in a bad car, and the more you put into it, the worse you feel walking away from it" my advice was for her to leave while she's young and hot and find someone else - THEN....a few weeks later her bf was visitin his brother in the city I live in, we got together for dinner and that's when he told me that he was planning on proposing to her on her birthday (a few months from then) - boy was I glad that my advice to my sister always comes with the disclaimer "I don't have many long term relationships, so maybe I'm not an expert".

 

As for you, you also mentioned that you guys live together, but he pays a lot of bills - I'm just wondering, in your live in arrangement, is he the own that's carrying most of the financial load? If so, then I might understand why he may not be quick to officially tie himself (legally) to someone that's dependant on him.

 

Ultimatums don't work. Either way, why would you want someone to marry you just because they felt they were backed into a corner?

 

I agree that if he really didn't see the relationship leading to marriage at all - then he should man up and tell you that.

 

But getting married just for the sake of getting married, isn't the right path either. I would think that the quality of the relationship itself is way more important.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years now and we've been living together for about 5 years. We've never split up or separated in that time period. So I don't understand why he wont marry me.

About 4 years into our relationship I started talking to him about it. He gave me reasons like "I don't think your committed", "I'm not ready to be an adult yet", "I don't think its fare to you because my job makes me have to travel so much". Now over the past year his reason has been the same "I want to but I can't afford it". The thing is, he makes pretty good money. He does pay a lot of bills, but still in even two years time he should have been able to afford a ring.

I brought it up to him yesterday and I asked him if it would happen in the next year and he didn't give me an answer, he said basically that he didn't know. It at one point was "we can get engaged by this Christmas" yesterday it was "I don't think it will happen by then"

Now I've invested almost 7 years with him, its hard, but at this point I really don't see it happening. He really is a great guy and we get along so well. I don't think I could ever love someone so much, but at what point do I say I love him, but I want a family.

I plan on making the day after our anniversary the cut off point, which is in 2 months. I'm not going to leave him then, I don't think I'll be ready. But thats when I plan on telling him that if he doesn't marry me I will leave. I really want to tell him this today.

Does anyone have an opinion on the matter? I'd really like to hear it.

 

What? So... you can't have a family without a marriage certificate?

 

Why do you have to marry him? What will change?

 

Also... how can you say YOU invested 7 years in him? Has HE not also invested 7 years in YOU? Along with the fact that he is paying most of your bills....?

 

Please explain your thinking to me... because so far you seem massively selfish and I would not marry you either.

 

Also... please note I think I'm the first male to respond here.

[alphamale]

Does anyone have an opinion on the matter? I'd really like to hear it.

if a man doesn't put a ring on your finger after 2-3 years max then he's most likely never going to do it...

[Art_Critic]

if a man doesn't put a ring on your finger after 2-3 years max then he's most likely never going to do it...

 

Yeah...

I'm sure there are exceptions but for the most part they are just not buying the cow cuz the milk is free..so to speak

[Untouchable_Fire]

Yeah...

I'm sure there are exceptions but for the most part they are just not buying the cow cuz the milk is free..so to speak

 

The guy is already buying the milk, and has been for 7 years. She wants him to sign a contract to continue buying the milk whether he actually gets to drink it or not.

 

That is an analogy that actually fits the scenario as described.

[Art_Critic]

He hasn't bought the cow yet.. unless there are more to this than is posted on LS..

 

About 4 years into our relationship I started talking to him about it. He gave me reasons like "I don't think your committed", "I'm not ready to be an adult yet", "I don't think its fare to you because my job makes me have to travel so much". Now over the past year his reason has been the same "I want to but I can't afford it". The thing is, he makes pretty good money. He does pay a lot of bills, but still in even two years time he should have been able to afford a ring.

 

If by paying a lot of bills you mean that is buying the cow it really isn't..

 

He isn't financially responsible for her right now.. buying the cow means just that..

The door to get up and leave is always open till marriage..

[Angel1111]

The guy is already buying the milk, and has been for 7 years. She wants him to sign a contract to continue buying the milk whether he actually gets to drink it or not.

 

That is an analogy that actually fits the scenario as described.

 

Marriage is a different kind of commitment - that apparently you don't get and neither does the OP's bf. You know, that's fine because not everyone needs to be married. But women make the mistake of living with a guy and then feel shocked when he's not interested in getting married. Part of this is her doing - not getting that information straight upfront and living with him before marriage, and part of it is his fault for making excuses and putting her off. But, as they always say, people will treat you the way you allow them to.

 

Paying the bills isn't part of the equation or the issue. Paying bills does not a commitment make. He obviously doesn't want to take it any further than he already has. It leaves his options open to walk away easily. Again, I get that but he should've made that clear a long time ago. She shouldn't have made assumptions and her patience/tolerance isn't going to get the results she wants.

[aerogurl87]

if a man doesn't put a ring on your finger after 2-3 years max then he's most likely never going to do it...

 

I gotta agree with alpha. If after 3 years max he hasn't bought a ring, taken her ring shopping, or discussed in great detail plans to marry then more than likely it's not gonna happen. I also don't get this "I can't afford to marry you now" or "I don't want to have the responsibility of being married" excuse people come up with when they're already living together. A wedding certificate isn't super expensive unless you're marrying someone from another country. Get the paper, go to the JOP, and be done with it.

[samsungxoxo]

I would have ditch him long ago. In fact he wouldn't even have made it to the 2-3rd year without marriage proposal/schedule. 7 years??? Damn, you have so much patience but why keep wasting your youth on a man who isn't the same page.. who doesn't love you enough to marry you??

Dumb him now before investing more worthless time on this boy (he's not a man, he's a boy).....

 

With my ex I was patience all the way till the 4th year. It was long distance but the purpose was for him to come visit me and marry.... he obviously kept postponing his arrival date and not acting on his promises so you know what? I send him to hell and told me not to ever call me again. That's how mean and radical I am.... it's either total commitment and no mishaps or nothing.

 

Present time: The next man will be send to hell by the 18th month... if he doesn't know if he wants to marry me, refusals or avoids that topic.... sorry but for me that's more than enough time to know if you're with the right person or not...

Edited September 13, 2010 by samsungxoxo

[Enema]

Smart guy. Marriage is an antiquated concept that costs you money and gives you nothing additional but risk in return.

 

He knows you've been brainwashed into thinking marriage is something you "have" to do, so he's been lying.

 

He's a wimp. He should have been honest about his real feelings about marriage.. But, he probably loves you and doesn't want to lose you. He knows sub-consciously that when he tells you marriage is not for him that there's a good chance he'll be single.

[Untouchable_Fire]

He hasn't bought the cow yet.. unless there are more to this than is posted on LS..

If by paying a lot of bills you mean that is buying the cow it really isn't..

He isn't financially responsible for her right now.. buying the cow means just that..

The door to get up and leave is always open till marriage..

 

The door to get up and leave is just as open AFTER marriage. It just costs more money.

 

So what your saying is that in order to be happy in a relationship... she needs to have him by the financial balls?

 

That doesn't sound like love or trust to me, and I think love and trust should be important for a long term relationship.

 

Marriage is a different kind of commitment - that apparently you don't get and neither does the OP's bf. You know, that's fine because not everyone needs to be married. But women make the mistake of living with a guy and then feel shocked when he's not interested in getting married. Part of this is her doing - not getting that information straight upfront and living with him before marriage, and part of it is his fault for making excuses and putting her off. But, as they always say, people will treat you the way you allow them to.

Paying the bills isn't part of the equation or the issue. Paying bills does not a commitment make. He obviously doesn't want to take it any further than he already has. It leaves his options open to walk away easily. Again, I get that but he should've made that clear a long time ago. She shouldn't have made assumptions and her patience/tolerance isn't going to get the results she wants.

 

You trying to say here that marriage represents some type of commitment...? With a divorce rate far exceeding 50%... I think your wrong. I'm pretty sure that commitment exists outside of marriage.

 

If she needed marriage for religious reasons... I could understand and respect her beliefs, but clearly that's not the case because they are already living together for years.

 

I've experienced marriage, and divorce at a fairly young age. Marriage actually ruins otherwise great relationships. I don't know why that is, but it really does.

[Angel1111]

You trying to say here that marriage represents some type of commitment...? With a divorce rate far exceeding 50%... I think your wrong. I'm pretty sure that commitment exists outside of marriage.

 

If she needed marriage for religious reasons... I could understand and respect her beliefs, but clearly that's not the case because they are already living together for years.

 

I've experienced marriage, and divorce at a fairly young age. Marriage actually ruins otherwise great relationships. I don't know why that is, but it really does.

 

Marriage is still a completely different form of committment, despite the divorce rate. When a couple is married, they will feel a deeper connection, when the relationship is right. And when children are involved, I definitely think people should be married. Having children out of wedlock makes a woman feel extremely unvalued and vunerable. People can rationalize this all day long but it doesn't change how it makes people feel in their heart of hearts.

 

The truth is, when you're with someone that you want a deeper connection with and someone you don't want to lose, the tendency is to marry them as soon as possible. Not to say it's a guarantee that it's permanent, just a different level of committment that they hope will be permanent. If a person doesn't feel that way about a person, they'll hesitate and make excuses about getting married. I used to say the same thing as you about marriage - that it can ruin a perfectly good relationship. But the truth is that in a truly compatible relationship, marriage does not ruin a relationship; in relationships where key ingredients are missing, marriage will separate the men from the boys, so to speak. The problem is, most people aren't discerning enough or patient enough to pick a truly compatible spouse and I believe that's why there are so many divorces.

 

I'm not opposed to divorce because it's much better than being in a miserable marriage. But what I would really like to see is children being taught in schools about how to choose good, healthy relationships, how to see the signs of incompatible relationships, etc. If children were more equipped and knowledgable about the dynamics of relationships before they became adults, I believe the divorce rate would drop dramatically. In other words, I don't think marriage is the culpret. I think it's lack of knowledge, lack of understanding.

Edited September 13, 2010 by Angel1111

[xxoo]

It doesn't matter how anyone here feels about marriage.

 

It only matters how the op and her bf feel about marriage, if they each are being completely honest about their feelings, and if they are compatible. If he bf never intends to marry her, he should have been honest about that 5+ years ago.

[GooseChaser]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years now and we've been living together for about 5 years. We've never split up or separated in that time period. So I don't understand why he wont marry me.

 

About 4 years into our relationship I started talking to him about it. He gave me reasons like "I don't think your committed", "I'm not ready to be an adult yet", "I don't think its fare to you because my job makes me have to travel so much". Now over the past year his reason has been the same "I want to but I can't afford it". The thing is, he makes pretty good money. He does pay a lot of bills, but still in even two years time he should have been able to afford a ring.

 

I brought it up to him yesterday and I asked him if it would happen in the next year and he didn't give me an answer, he said basically that he didn't know. It at one point was "we can get engaged by this Christmas" yesterday it was "I don't think it will happen by then"

 

Now I've invested almost 7 years with him, its hard, but at this point I really don't see it happening. He really is a great guy and we get along so well. I don't think I could ever love someone so much, but at what point do I say I love him, but I want a family.

 

I plan on making the day after our anniversary the cut off point, which is in 2 months. I'm not going to leave him then, I don't think I'll be ready. But thats when I plan on telling him that if he doesn't marry me I will leave. I really want to tell him this today.

 

Does anyone have an opinion on the matter? I'd really like to hear it.

Do you want to get married? If you want marriage and he doesn't, walk away now. He can't offer you what you need. It's like a guy enjoying being a **** buddy with you but avoiding the commitment of a relationship. If you're okay with it, it can work out and everyone can be happy, but if one person wants more-- a commitment-- that person needs to find someone who can really offer it, rather than settling for less.

 

The guy has been making excuse after excuse to delay the decision about marriage. You guys are plenty "adult" enough for marriage. I'm sure you feel that you are committed to him. A married couple can stand being apart. Take his excuses apart piece by piece; you shouldn't have much trouble with that, because they're pretty weak. (Did I bold "excuse" enough to make my point?)

 

The fact is, it's been 7 years. Are you really willing to wait longer? Is that a good use of your time and life? This clearly bothers you and is an issue that you care about. He has had PLENTY of time to make up his mind. Tell him what you want-- a marriage. If he can't offer that after so much time together and never will, look elsewhere, and take it as a lesson learned.

Edited September 13, 2010 by GooseChaser

[Untouchable_Fire]

Marriage is still a completely different form of committment, despite the divorce rate. When a couple is married, they will feel a deeper connection, when the relationship is right. And when children are involved, I definitely think people should be married. Having children out of wedlock makes a woman feel extremely unvalued and vunerable. People can rationalize this all day long but it doesn't change how it makes people feel in their heart of hearts.

 

That statement was true 50 years ago... but the world has changed since then. There is no longer a stigma for children born out of wedlock. In fact the VAST majority of children have divorced parents... which is a complete mindf*** of it's own.

 

I suppose you don't feel as unvalued when you can put a financial revolver to a mans head?

 

If you have to have the upper hand to trust or feel valued... there is really something wrong with your head. It's basically saying to him... I won't trust you, but I demand that you trust me.

 

The truth is, when you're with someone that you want a deeper connection with and someone you don't want to lose, the tendency is to marry them as soon as possible. Not to say it's a guarantee that it's permanent, just a different level of committment that they hope will be permanent. If a person doesn't feel that way about a person, they'll hesitate and make excuses about getting married. I used to say the same thing as you about marriage - that it can ruin a perfectly good relationship. But the truth is that in a truly compatible relationship, marriage does not ruin a relationship; in relationships where key ingredients are missing, marriage will separate the men from the boys, so to speak. The problem is, most people aren't discerning enough or patient enough to pick a truly compatible spouse and I believe that's why there are so many divorces.

 

How does marriage bring a deeper connection? I've been married and there was no deeper connection... actually it killed what I felt was a fantastic connection. Why?

 

In magical faerie land most people will be able to pick the perfect spouse and ride off into the sunset of wedded bliss.

 

In reality that is just completely impossible... no matter how much time and effort you put into choosing. Like it or not people change and sometimes they just make mistakes.

 

I'm not opposed to divorce because it's much better than being in a miserable marriage. But what I would really like to see is children being taught in schools about how to choose good, healthy relationships, how to see the signs of incompatible relationships, etc. If children were more equipped and knowledgable about the dynamics of relationships before they became adults, I believe the divorce rate would drop dramatically. In other words, I don't think marriage is the culpret. I think it's lack of knowledge, lack of understanding.

 

I understand what your saying and I would also like to see that kind of teaching... but I don't think it would affect the divorce rate. People have to learn by experience.

 

Bottom line is this. For men divorce is most often financially ruinous, while for women it's most often either neutral or positive. This is why 75% of divorces are filed by women. You can see in other countries where there is no financial benefit to divorce women file at a much lower rate.

 

It doesn't matter how anyone here feels about marriage.

It only matters how the op and her bf feel about marriage, if they each are being completely honest about their feelings, and if they are compatible. If he bf never intends to marry her, he should have been honest about that 5+ years ago.

 

That is true.

 

Does it change if he wants to marry at the 10 year mark vs. 7 or 8? Because I don't think you can just assume he doesn't want it.

[GooseChaser]

That statement was true 50 years ago... but the world has changed since then. There is no longer a stigma for children born out of wedlock. In fact the VAST majority of children have divorced parents... which is a complete mindf*** of it's own.

The lack of stigma for children born of wedlock is probably for the sake of the aforementioned children. The framework of marriage is still good for children because it creates a family. The marriage keeps the parents together as long as they don't decide to divorce and keeps the family stable. It is a tradition recognizing the bond between the two in the couple, bonding together their families in the process. It is also especially valued by religious people as a blessing.

 

How does marriage bring a deeper connection? I've been married and there was no deeper connection... actually it killed what I felt was a fantastic connection. Why?

Because the two promise to be committed to each other, love each other, and stick together "in good times and bad, in sickness and in health... 'til death do us part." Is that a meaningless promise? It isn't the responsibility of a wedding to bring a deeper connection to the two of a couple, but the two people have to create and maintain that connection themselves. Marriage doesn't guarantee the continued maintenance of passion.

Edited September 13, 2010 by GooseChaser

[Angel1111]

That statement was true 50 years ago... but the world has changed since then. There is no longer a stigma for children born out of wedlock. In fact the VAST majority of children have divorced parents... which is a complete mindf*** of it's own.

 

I suppose you don't feel as unvalued when you can put a financial revolver to a mans head?

 

If you have to have the upper hand to trust or feel valued... there is really something wrong with your head. It's basically saying to him... I won't trust you, but I demand that you trust me.

 

How does marriage bring a deeper connection? I've been married and there was no deeper connection... actually it killed what I felt was a fantastic connection. Why?

 

In magical faerie land most people will be able to pick the perfect spouse and ride off into the sunset of wedded bliss.

 

In reality that is just completely impossible... no matter how much time and effort you put into choosing. Like it or not people change and sometimes they just make mistakes.

 

 

 

I understand what your saying and I would also like to see that kind of teaching... but I don't think it would affect the divorce rate. People have to learn by experience.

 

Bottom line is this. For men divorce is most often financially ruinous, while for women it's most often either neutral or positive. This is why 75% of divorces are filed by women. You can see in other countries where there is no financial benefit to divorce women file at a much lower rate.

 

That is true.

 

Does it change if he wants to marry at the 10 year mark vs. 7 or 8? Because I don't think you can just assume he doesn't want it.

 

I hear ya and I respect your position, I just disagree with it. I think that marriage is a very important part of relationships. Even though I would go into it way more cautiously than before, I would still like to be married to the right person. It's a tall order, there's no question about that.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I hear ya and I respect your position, I just disagree with it. I think that marriage is a very important part of relationships. Even though I would go into it way more cautiously than before, I would still like to be married to the right person. It's a tall order, there's no question about that.

 

Most people want to be married. It's just such a one sided affair in terms of benefits that I don't think it's reasonable to expect a guy to do it. It's more than a little selfish and very unloving.

 

I think if OP really loved her guy this wouldn't be an issue. I think maybe he would be better off with someone who truly cared for him, and not someone who just wants something from him.

[Untouchable_Fire]

The lack of stigma for children born of wedlock is probably for the sake of the aforementioned children. The framework of marriage is still good for children because it creates a family. The marriage keeps the parents together as long as they don't decide to divorce and keeps the family stable. It is a tradition recognizing the bond between the two in the couple, bonding together their families in the process. It is also especially valued by religious people as a blessing.

 

A family is created regardless of a marriage. In fact the institution of marriage causes broken families more often than not.

 

Many couples who would otherwise continue to stay together and raise children in a stable and loving environment split because marriage brings false expectations and the ability to effortlessly rob someone else of their current and future earnings.

 

Because the two promise to be committed to each other, love each other, and stick together "in good times and bad, in sickness and in health... 'til death do us part." Is that a meaningless promise? It isn't the responsibility of a wedding to bring a deeper connection to the two of a couple, but the two people have to create and maintain that connection themselves. Marriage doesn't guarantee the continued maintenance of passion.

 

Wedding vows are completely meaningless. You can't seriously believe that there is any true purpose to saying them? Traditionally a woman vows she will "Honor and Obey" her husband. You plan to live up to that one?

 

All the things marriage provides are readily available outside the institution of marriage.