How can I convince him to stop throwing money away on useless things and propose???

[blueyoohoo]

I've been with my guy for almost 4 years. We used to talk about marriage a lot and he always seemed excited about it. We even kinda decided around when we'd like to get serious about it. Well that time is approaching and now he wants nothing to do with it. He either blows it off when I talk about it, changes the subject, or says he doesn't remember talking about "being serious and a specific time." He says he just can't financially prepare for a ring or getting married because he still has another year of school. However, he often goes out and buys a lot of new toys that are absolutely useless for anything other than draining his bank account. I don't know if he's spending all his money on purpose so he has an excuse for not being able to afford a ring or what the deal is. I'll talk about saving my money for "real life" and he says that's what he should start doing, but then again it's only money so why bother. We've been in a long distance relationship for nearly our entire relationship and now that I'm graduating it's possible that I can move up to where he goes to school so we can be together. I really want this long-distance thing to be over with so we can be together because the last 4 years have been really hard, but we made it. He really wants me to come up there, but I told him I want to be commited and at least engaged before I do so. He said that's not possible, but is still pressuring me to move up there. I really don't know what to do. I know he loves me and wants to get married someday, but not any time soon. How can I make him feel otherwise???

[supermom]

Don't you want to get married because you both want to? Give him his "bachelor" life now, because when you are married, there won't be any regrets on his part, he won't be able to say he didn't get to get anything or do anything. You may be able to have a better marriage if you don't pressure him.

 

I do understand how you feel also, but it's better and you'd have better memories of your engagement if it's done when both of you are ready. Maybe once you move up there and spend more time together things will change.

 

Good Luck

[dyermaker]

You can't MAKE someone feel any way. Feelings are not reflexes.

 

Your boyfriend's bank account is none of your business, the expensive toys he buys sounds pretty normal for a kid just out of college with money to burn. Marriage isn't something you should rush into to solidify a relationship, if you take a look at the statistics it's not as permanant as you think.

 

I wouldn't marry a girl whom I haven't seen constantly for four years just to get her to see me, I don't blame him for being reserved about such a huge commitment. If you want a proposal, you're going to have to shut up about it, and convince him that you can even live near each other, let alone sleep in the same bed every night for the rest of your lives. If you want him to stop spending money on himself, you're going to have to learn to mind your own business.

[carla]

You say that you've been together for 4 years, but in a LDR. Consider all the days in that 4 year span that you actually were together. Maybe 1 month or 2 months or 6 months total I don't know, but think about it that way and you are actually in a fairly new relationship. Once you are together on a regular bases see how things go and then give it 6 months or a year and think about engagement. Don't rush into things. I'm sure you don't want the typical marriage, and end up in divorce in a few years. I really think that divorce is the norm these days and a lasting marriage is a miracle. Miracles don't happen over night it takes time and effort.

[moimeme]

I second that. He'd be extremely unwise to get engaged, given that you have not spent 3D time together for a long time. If you really want him and think it will work out, you're going to have to make the move without 'insurance' and hope that spending time together again will seal the deal.

 

It sounds as though you were very young when you first spoke of marriage. It is possible that growing older and completing school may have changed how he feels about getting married so soon.

[blueyoohoo]

Thanks for all of your responses. I didn't mean to sound like a b*tch and that I'm pressuring him, it's just depressing to know that he was once (not too long ago) as excited about marriage as I was and now that the time is getting closer to when we originally "planned" he doesn't want to think about it, if you understand what I mean. Last summer he even wanted to pick a date for our wedding and now we've gone the other direction. Perhaps I should just clarify our long-distance relationship. It's not like we happened to meet one random weekend and kept it going for 4 years. We started dating in high school, I left for college 6 months later. He finished out high school and chose another college the next year. Since I started school, we have seen each other at least once a month and have spent all breaks (including summers) together so we have spent a great deal of time together since we live near each other at "home." I know this still isn't equivalent to 4 whole years, but we do have a stronger relationship than I originally made it sound when I said we were in a long-distance relationship.

[befuddled11]

Based on what you've explained, I'm going to guess that you're both around 21 or 22 yrs old. Yes, no? If so, that's awwwwwwwwwwwwwfully young for YOU to be considering marraige, IMO. Basically, you're finishing college and a whole new phase of your life will be starting. He's still IN school and at his age, is going through many changes, too.

 

Like others have pointed out, the vast majority of your relationship has been spent 'apart' (long distance)...so if anything, don't give him any kind of ultimatum that you won't relocate to be near him unless you're engaged. Like the others have said, you really need to spend a lot of good quality time together......going from a long distance relationship to one in which you can see each other daily or a few times a week can be a huge transition itself.....and you, or both of you could find out that you're not the best match.

 

I wouldn't even CONSIDER engagement until he's finished school and has found himself a good job and has his feet set on the ground (compared to "college life").

 

This is certainly not something you want to push.

[dyermaker]

It's just that you were painting him as the bad guy, when he sounds like he's playing it smart. Despite your assertions that you're not pressuring him, methinks you are. Don't hold him to what he said when he was younger and naive, if you want him to propose, you're going to have to prove to him that you can handle a relationship near each other.

[Arabess]

In my opinion, a guy who doesn't spend any time planning towards his financial future....is a guy you'll end up having to babysit thru life. I married one of those. HAHA!

 

You MAY want to really reconsider!!!!

[Blueyoohoo]

Yes, Befuddled you are right, we are both 21 soon to be 22. I realize this is very young but that's never mattered before. We both want to get married young and have kids young (perhaps I should say wanted in those sentences because I'm unsure about his feelings now). Anyways, I want to ask you all this. I know that you all say I should just move near him, but I'm in a little predicament. If I do so, I will be looking for a job near him, however he will be done school in a year. He will then be looking for a job himself and does not plan on staying where he is and wants to move somewhat closer to home where we both live. This would mean I would relocate for a 2nd time. His job will probably take presidence because my field's pay will not even compare to his. Therefore I risk leaving a job I could possibly love after only 1 year and have to move once again. I realize that if I want to be with him badly enough I will do this, but that's kind of why I wanted a little more of a commitment with him if I'm the one that's going to be making a lot of sacrifices and changes within the next year. Does anyone see my point or am I still being unreasonable???

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by Blueyoohoo

Yes, Befuddled you are right, we are both 21 soon to be 22. I realize this is very young but that's never mattered before. We both want to get married young and have kids young (perhaps I should say wanted in those sentences because I'm unsure about his feelings now). Anyways, I want to ask you all this. I know that you all say I should just move near him, but I'm in a little predicament. If I do so, I will be looking for a job near him, however he will be done school in a year. He will then be looking for a job himself and does not plan on staying where he is and wants to move somewhat closer to home where we both live. This would mean I would relocate for a 2nd time. His job will probably take presidence because my field's pay will not even compare to his. Therefore I risk leaving a job I could possibly love after only 1 year and have to move once again. I realize that if I want to be with him badly enough I will do this, but that's kind of why I wanted a little more of a commitment with him if I'm the one that's going to be making a lot of sacrifices and changes within the next year. Does anyone see my point or am I still being unreasonable???

 

I think when you're eighteen and in love, it's possible to make a few promises you cannot keep. Listen, you do NOT want to marry a guy to solidify a relationship. Marriage is NOT a permanant institution, if you guys are going to break up, you're going to break up whether or not there's a ring on your finger. Look at the statistics, in this day and age, seeing marriage as the holy grail of love is naive.

 

You have to make a choice. If you think your relationship is not worth moving to discover, break it off with him. It will hurt, yes, but it will hurt a lot less than 60, 70, 80 years of marriage with a guy whom you don't care for anymore.

 

I see your point, I can see thinking like you in your position. But you're being very unreasonable. Even if he emphatically WANTED to propose to get you to move, I'd still say it was a lame idea. Let him propose when he wants to marry you, after you've proven to him you can be his wife, after he's done buying youthful toys. Arabess says that 'men like him' will need to be babysat their whole life, but I certainly disagree. It would be different if he were 41 soon to be 42, but he's a kid. I can see myself buying a few toys before I get married, and I also plan on getting married shortly after graduate school.

[Errol]

How he spends his money is his business and not yours. Even after you are married (assuming that you two do get married) he should have a certain amount of money to spend however he wants - after meeting mutual obligations. Just as you should. He might not understand why you need six different pairs of black pants and six different pairs of black shoes - but he shouldn't tell you not to buy them, anymore than you should dictate to him not to buy computer games or toys and that doesn't matter how old you are.

 

I don't 'get' why women are so excited over jewelry. It doesn't do anything, it doesn't provide any entertainment, etc. I'd rather see $60 spent on something for the house or a game or trip or something instead of a pair of earrings that when she puts them on she can't even see them! See what I'm getting at?

 

I'm wondering what happened that he wanted to set a date for marriage at one time, but the two of you ended up not setting a date. Whose idea was that?

 

And, if its only going to be another year, then find a job where he plans on moving and keep the relationship LD for a while longer. When he graduates and moves back near you and his family, then you two can begin dating in earnest and you won't have the added stress of having to look for a job in a new town--you will already be established.

[blueyoohoo]

I appreciate your input Errol. I know I have no business telling him what to do with his money and I don't. I'm not necessarily wanting him to save for a ring persay, but save for our life together. I just get disappointed when I'm trying to save for our future and he says he's going to start doing that, but when something new comes out on the market, he has to have that instead. (It's hard because we're in 2 different places right now...I'm on the I'm about to graduate I need to take life seriously plan" and he's on the "I graduate in a year, I need to have as much fun asap.") I have a rather large life savings account that I'm entitled to when I graduate, he does not have any savings account. He knows about this money and my concern is that he will just "walk right into" my money so he feels as though there's no need to save right now. I realize he will make more than I when he gets a job and that we will ultimately share that money for things we need together, but I don't want to start a life by draining my bank account for us to start out and him not having to have any input...if that makes any sense (I don't know if I'm making myself look worse or not).

As for the discussion about setting a date last year. We already know where we would like to get married, it's kind of like a little park/shopping area and we were there last summer for dinner. We made wishes at the wishing well and he started talking about getting married there and was like "let's set a date." I didn't think he was serious but he kept insisting that he was. We "jokingly set a date" but nothing ever came of it later on. About a month or so we were discussing it and he asked what would happen if he were to propose on the vacation we were about to take with my family the following month. I said we would see if that actually happened to worry about that. Turns out the only one receiving a marriage proposal on that trip was my brother's now fiance. When I brought it up a few months ago, he said he didn't know what he was talking about back then and that he doesn't know if he was being serious or not.

I still don't know what I'll do about a job next year. I'm going to have to wait and see what I'm offered before I make a real decision. It's hard to say that I'll stay around home because when he gets a job, it will more than likely be around home, but not necessarily close enough that I would not have to move again. We're talking about an area that he's interested in looking with a radius of about at least an hour. This is kind of why I wanted to move up near his school so I could get a job for the time being and then look for jobs closer to home TOGETHER. We could look in areas that would be close enough together and neither of us would single handedly be responsible for deciding where we were going to locate ourselves, it could be a joint decision. Maybe it sounds better in my head than I'm making it sound, I don't know.

[Errol]

Your reasons and explanation about the money make perfect sense and you do need to protect your assets.

 

Let him have his fun -- I guarantee it will not be the only time the two of you are in different places/phases of your relationship!

 

Get a prenup to protect your money and if you two get together before the wedding (live together, etc.) just don't give him any money.

[blueyoohoo]

Here's another thing that I thought I would include because I just thought about it when something on a tv show sparked a reminder. He came to visit for V-day (we split the cost of his plane ticket as our gifts). We went out to dinner (I picked the place because it looked really nice and reasonably priced). He said as long as we were together, nothing else would matter. However, we got to the place, it turns out they had a special V-day menu and upped the prices quite a bit. When he saw this, he cringed and was real quiet. I asked if it would be alright still and he kind of shrugged and was like "I guess, we're here now." I asked if he wanted an appetizer and he said no way, but then I offered to pay for dinner (I felt bad since I picked the restaurant out) and suddenly an appetizer and dessert were ok. The dinner was only about 60 bucks for everything and I paid so he was fine with it now. However, just a few days ago he made a purchase of a new toy for about 300 dollars. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong that asking for a nice V-day dinner is too much, but a 300 dollar toy is a necessity. When he was originally going to pay for dinner, there would have been no appetizer or dessert but as soon as I offered to pay the bill could just keep going up and up. Am I wrong for being bothered by this???

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by blueyoohoo

Am I wrong for being bothered by this???

 

It doesn't matter whether you're right or wrong. He's fiscally irresponsible, and that's going to always bother you.

[Errol]

You need to discuss this with him. Everyone has a different priority list -- especially when it comes to how to spend money. This is a fundamental discussion that you two need to have now. If you think that he may suddenly change his habits or his perceptions as soon as he is in a committed relationship or married, think again.

 

It does not have to be a whiny or nagging conversation, but it needs to be honest and complete. That means that if he says he is not going to change his ways with money you will have to accept it and deal with it or consider it a deal-breaker and move on. If he only says he will try to change to your way then you have to wonder if maybe he is only placating you, or if he has good intentions but really knows that he will not change.

 

Money and sex are the two most 'popular' reasons for divorce or breaking up. Talk with him. Tell him how you feel about the money habits you both have, and how you logically think money should be managed. And listen to him when he is honest about it. Don't try to convince him to think like you -- this is information gathering only and you need honest information on which to base your decisions. If he thinks you are nagging or whiny now then when money issues come up in the future he will react in the same way. If you are afraid of his reaction/response, then there are more issues to deal with in your relationship then just money.

[SoleMate]

Yes. What the Beatle said. Your bf spends, you save. He spends on himself, you spend on him. This is the kind of fundamental difference that can break marriages up. I have never seen a spendthrift become a frugal person (except when they run out of money and credit). The average bf tends to OVERlavish gifts rather than the reverse.

 

I don't blame you for wanting to protect your financial future. Lots of guys spend wisely and within their means, and they are generous with their girlfriends too. I've seen couples squabbling about money in restaurants and it is an ugly sight just for a few minutes. Living a life like that would be horrible.

 

You two just don't want the same things anymore. You had a good four years. Let him go.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by SoleMate

Yes. What the Beatle said.

 

That's Jimmy Page!