Talk me out of contacting my EX...

[Kael]

Me and my ex (we dated for 7 yrs, most in a LDR) have been broken up for over 2 weeks. I have been complete NC for 2 weeks, but I am really wanting to talk to her and see how things are going.

 

I am the dumpee. The days following her breaking up with me, she kept texting me saying how much she missed me, etc. I ignored it. We ended up talking on the 30th of Aug. and she said she was just confused but wanted to be with me in the long run. That she loves me, but she just doesn't know why she isn't putting in 100% into the relationship.

 

Anyway, I told her I am not waiting for her. I was moving on, etc.

 

I want her back, of course. But, I don't want her back if she isn't 100% into it.

 

I want to text/call and see how things are. I obviously wouldn't be begging to get back or saying how much I love her. Tbh, I am somewhat hesitant about getting back as well. But, we were best friends for nearly 8 years. I miss hearing from her.

[Don Ho]

DO NOT DO IT!! Two weeks! You're doing well Bro. Finding out how she's doing will do nothing for you and just re-open your wound. Easier said than done, but do not contact her. It will put you back at square 1 and that's not what you want.

[Username37]

Don't contact. I contacted, made me feel worse.

 

Silence is quite good

[pandagirl]

Me and my ex (we dated for 7 yrs, most in a LDR) have been broken up for over 2 weeks. I have been complete NC for 2 weeks, but I am really wanting to talk to her and see how things are going.

 

I am the dumpee. The days following her breaking up with me, she kept texting me saying how much she missed me, etc. I ignored it. We ended up talking on the 30th of Aug. and she said she was just confused but wanted to be with me in the long run. That she loves me, but she just doesn't know why she isn't putting in 100% into the relationship.

 

Anyway, I told her I am not waiting for her. I was moving on, etc.

 

I want her back, of course. But, I don't want her back if she isn't 100% into it.

 

I want to text/call and see how things are. I obviously wouldn't be begging to get back or saying how much I love her. Tbh, I am somewhat hesitant about getting back as well. But, we were best friends for nearly 8 years. I miss hearing from her.

 

I know it hurts.

 

It's only been two weeks. It's been about that long for me, too. And it is HARD not to talk to that person!

 

I've been all over the place. I miss him so much, but as long as you are hurting, it's best not to talk to her. It will good for the moment, then worse.

 

It doesn't sound like it was an awful breakup, but very sad. Both of you need to heal before you can speak to each other. You need to feel stable and in a good place for a good bit until that can happen.

[Don Ho]

DO NOT DO IT!! Two weeks! You're doing well Bro. Finding out how she's doing will do nothing for you and just re-open your wound. Easier said than done, but do not contact her. It will put you back at square 1 and that's not what you want.

[Kael]

The frustrating part is that it wasn't a bad breakup. The distance had been eating away at our relationship for a while. We had plans to get married and move closer to each other when she finished grad school. She wants us to be together but is very confused. She hasn't been putting 100% into it and it wasn't fair to either of us.

 

It's tough to accept a reality without her, but I know I can find another great girl one day. I really would like for us to work out.

 

If calling is absolutely a bad move then I wont, but I have been wanting to talk to her the last couple of days.

[westrock]

she said she was just confused but wanted to be with me in the long run. That she loves me, but she just doesn't know why she isn't putting in 100% into the relationship.

 

I want her back, of course. But, I don't want her back if she isn't 100% into it.

 

I want to text/call and see how things are. I obviously wouldn't be begging to get back or saying how much I love her. Tbh, I am somewhat hesitant about getting back as well. But, we were best friends for nearly 8 years. I miss hearing from her.

 

Is she willing to go to counselling to help her clear up her confusion?

 

I have to disagree with the others about NC. If you want to get back with her then NC will not help. You will need to communicate with her eventually if there's any hope of getting back together. She's reaching out to you so consider LC to keep open the lines of communication and insist that if she really wants to be with you in the long run then she would agree to go to counselling with you.

[Kael]

I know NC is the best way to move on and get over her, but I want a second chance with her if we can both get on the same page. I sort of put her on the spot to break up with me. I told her she can't act lethargic, and I couldn't deal with it anymore. So she broke it off to fix her issues.

 

Could there be way to contact her without making things worse? My goal of calling her wouldn't be to manipulate her back to me or beg her. It would be to touch bases with each other and perhaps start the ground work for future communications (which could lead to rekindling the relationship, I suppose).

[Don Ho]

She wants us to be together but is very confused. She hasn't been putting 100% into it and it wasn't fair to either of us. If calling is absolutely a bad move then I wont, but I have been wanting to talk to her the last couple of days.

 

Do not contact her. She is confused, i.e. needs space to think. Contacting her is only an attempt to make YOU feel better, it will not help your situation. You're just trying to ease your anxiety or discomfort. There's no reason to contact right now. It's too soon and she needs time to clear her head and figure out if she misses you. Light contact is NOT the answer at this point.

[Kael]

Just to give you all an update.

 

I texted her last night. We are planning on talking today.

 

I know most of you are screaming for NC. However, I think this conversation, while it can certainly do more harm than good, can possibly open up the channels of communications. If things don't go well, it will further justify my previous 2 weeks of NC and future NC.

 

As far as the content of this conversation goes, I am going to avoid any talk about what happened (unless she wants to talk about it) and focus on how things have been going. I am somewhat over the "breakup" since we had a 2 1/2 month "break" before we got back together for a few weeks preceding the breakup.

 

What do you guys think about my plan of keeping this conversation (assuming she calls) focused on catching up and looking ahead? I am not going to beg, not going to plead, not going to say how much I miss/love her. I am not in that stage anymore. I am more concerned about moving forward, whether it's with her or not.

 

 

But, we are all on this forum because we want a second chance right? Unfortunately, I gave up hope 2 weeks ago...

 

 

Tell me what you think and wish me luck!

[Kael]

To add one more thing: I feel like I am stable enough to handle whatever gets thrown at me today. I am not hurting, crying, etc. I hope I can get some thoughts on where I should keep this conversation at today, and what you all think about this move on my part.

 

LC here I come...

[Billie The Puppet]

A 2nd chance will not come of this if you initiated the contact trust me I have tried.

 

I don't know how this will turn out because realistically do you have any common ground to talk about and are you positive you will not bring up the relationship?

 

I wish you luck but not sure what you are going to get out of this other than a brief High because you have each others attention.

 

Each time you break NC by your own initiation you reset your NC calendar and make things worse for a second chance.

[Don Ho]

To add one more thing: I feel like I am stable enough to handle whatever gets thrown at me today. I am not hurting, crying, etc. I hope I can get some thoughts on where I should keep this conversation at today, and what you all think about this move on my part.

LC here I come...

 

Ok, I've just started working on this because lots of people want to know how they might act should they have a "meeting" with their Ex. This outline of ideas basically came from another LS member, but I have been modifying and adding to them and I'm still working on it, but here it is:

 

1. ACT HAPPY

Don’t show any signs of being sad or depressed in front of them. This doesn’t mean going up to them and saying “my life’s fabulous now I’m sooo glad we’re finished”. It just means you should put on an appearance that everything is fine and dandy. This is an especially important rule if your ex found you to be clingy. No one wants to feel like they’re responsible for someone else's happiness, so show them that they’re not. You don’t need them to be happy.

 

 

2. DO NOT BRING UP THE RELATIONSHIP!

As above under ‘stop questioning them’. If they happen to bring up any relationship type talk, it’s ok to engage if you think you can both do it in a calm collected manner. If not or if it drags on without going anywhere, it’s best to just to divert and go back to normal, friendly chit chat or make your excuses and exit the conversation (in a polite way). If they’re constantly on the phone to you crying over what’s gone on but show no sign whatsoever in wanting to reconcile, they’re just stringing you along and you can’t let them.

 

3. DON'T ARGUE

Arguing closes off lines of communication which is not what you want to do when you’re trying to open them up or keep them open. The more you fight, the more you criticize, the more they defend themselves, the more they back off the less they think of you and the more they think they’ve made the right decision to leave you. Stop arguing, keep your emotions in check!

 

 

4. DON’T REACT TO THEIR HOSTILITY

It’s not unknown for dumpers to react in a cold or hostile way to the dumpee after a break up even when the dumpee hasn’t done anything to deserve it, especially when they have a new person!! The natural thing to do is react angrily to this and demand to know why you’re being treated unfairly. I don’t know why the dumper feels this need to be cruel but I do know that when you react to it, you just make matters worse. Quite often you don’t get an answer for their behavior and the more you push the more hostile and distant they get. If they tell you that you can’t pick up the rest of your stuff from their place because they’re too busy, just tell them “that’s fine, we can sort that out another time”. You’re easy going, you’re cool, you’re calm and that should hopefully force your ex to stop fighting and start acting rationally.

 

5. FAKE INDIFFERENCE

Fake indifference about the breakup. It’s not what you wanted but it was their decision so that’s ok with you. Obviously it’s not ok, but acting like you care too much is unlikely to work. Especially if they’ve told you there’s no chance they’ll change their mind and want you back.

 

They’ve broken up with you and they’re totally unfazed by the whole thing. You on the other hand are heartbroken, confused, hurt and angry. You cry, you get upset and you give off the impression that you’re desperate and you need them. You push and you push and you push and they back further and further away. When you act indifferent to the break up you stop becoming needy and instead come across as a mature rational person who although didn’t want the break up is willing to accept it and refuses to dwell.

 

6. STOP TELLING THEM YOU LOVE THEM

When they’ve dumped you and you’re saying “I love you” you’re trying to claw them back into a relationship they don’t want to be in. You’re saying to them I need you, I want you, please give me what I’m looking for. As far as they’re concerned it’s all done and dusted and you’re just grasping at straws. You can’t force someone to feel what they don’t feel. They don’t love you anymore, that’s fine. You’re backing off. There’s no pressure and you’re not gonna tell them you love them because although you’d like to have them you don’t need them.

 

7. STOP QUESTIONING THEM

Don’t ask them what they’re thinking, what they’re feeling, what they thinking about the break up, if they’ve noticed how much you’ve changed. This can be very intimidating to people and it puts them on the defensive. Also if you keep asking them and they keep having to explain what they feel they’ve already explained, they’re gonna start getting annoyed with you and want less and less to do with you. Take off the pressure and watch them feel more at ease.

 

8. STOP CRITICIZING & COMPLAINING

Don’t blame them for the break up, don’t complain about what they did wrong in the relationship. It’s fine to talk to let off steam to others about this (just don’t do it too often otherwise your friends will dump you) but if you want to reconcile with your ex, don’t criticize. Judging them and chipping away at them is not gonna keep the lines of communication open. If you wanna discuss the ins and outs of what you both did wrong in the relationship, chances are you’ll have that talk if you get back together. Now is not the time.

 

9. DON'T TRY TO CONVINCE THEM TO FEEL DIFFERENTLY

People don’t like to be told what to think and feel. It’s a form of control and who likes to be controlled? Nobody. They already know how they feel, they’ve made their decision and the more you try to persuade them otherwise, the more they’ll dig in their heels. Don’t try to convince them that you’re so wonderful, the perfect BF or GF and why they should love you and feel a certain way. You’re just pushing and it will push them away. Also, when you try to persuade them to feel differently you’re insulting them because they think you’re questioning their judgment and decision. That’s not going to help your cause.

 

10. DON'T GIVE THE IMPRESSION YOU'RE WAITING AROUND

If you keep letting them know that you’re there if they ever change their mind, you’re nothing but a pushover and a sap. Every time you give off that impression you’re saying I can’t get anyone else, I have low self esteem, I’ll be your plan B, I’m willing to accept whatever breadcrumb you throw in my direction. Not very attractive to a potential mate. This attitude doesn’t give of confidence or sex appeal. You’re absolutely no challenge to them anymore. They don’t even have to try. Boring! Best to tell them or give them the impression that you’re out having fun, seeing people of the opposite sex and moving on.

 

11. TANTALIZE, REASSURE & WORRY THEM

Tantalize them, reassure them and worry them. Tantalize means your new found confidence, your looks, your conversational skills or whatever it was that your ex was attracted to in the beginning. Tantalizing them means alluring them back to you but in an indirect sort of way. You don’t want them to know that all this effort is for them! Reassuring means making sure they realize you’re not gonna be needy, you’re not gonna be possessive, you wont be jealous and you’re not desperate to win them back. Worry means worrying them that they might lose you. Don’t tell them they might lose you, just go out and date and don’t let them know that nobody else compares to them. If you do that they’ll know you’re effectively just waiting in the wings. Reverse the roles and hopefully when they know someone else is cozying up to you they’ll start to wonder what they’ve thrown away.

[pandagirl]

Just to give you all an update.

 

I texted her last night. We are planning on talking today.

 

I know most of you are screaming for NC. However, I think this conversation, while it can certainly do more harm than good, can possibly open up the channels of communications. If things don't go well, it will further justify my previous 2 weeks of NC and future NC.

 

As far as the content of this conversation goes, I am going to avoid any talk about what happened (unless she wants to talk about it) and focus on how things have been going. I am somewhat over the "breakup" since we had a 2 1/2 month "break" before we got back together for a few weeks preceding the breakup.

 

What do you guys think about my plan of keeping this conversation (assuming she calls) focused on catching up and looking ahead? I am not going to beg, not going to plead, not going to say how much I miss/love her. I am not in that stage anymore. I am more concerned about moving forward, whether it's with her or not.

 

 

But, we are all on this forum because we want a second chance right? Unfortunately, I gave up hope 2 weeks ago...

 

 

Tell me what you think and wish me luck!

 

What are you planning on talking about? Do you just want to talk to her because you miss her? Do you want to be friends? Is the goal of this call in hopes of getting back together?

 

I personally don't think two weeks of NC is enough time...?

 

I am DYING to talk to my ex, but my feelings for him need to be in check before that happens. I need to stop missing him so much before that. Make sure I am happy and feel good.

 

PS-the last time I talked to him was on Friday. I called him because it was his bday. At the time, I was feeling pretty good about everything and when he asked me how I was doing, I just blurted out: "Actually, I think I'm doing good. I am going to be OK."

 

Now that WAS how I feeling at the time, but I could tell he was a little taken aback and said: "Oh, you are?"

Edited September 13, 2010 by pandagirl

[Kael]

I don't know how this will turn out because realistically do you have any common ground to talk about and are you positive you will not bring up the relationship?

 

We were together for nearly 8 years and did not have a bad breakup. We both want to end up together but she is confused. So, as far as common ground, I think we have a lot.

 

I still maintain that I will not bring up anything about the relationship. I will make sure to ride the middle off the road if she asks me questions.

 

The good news is, I don't feel like I need her anymore. I do want her though, not enough to beg and plead though.

 

As I said, the goal of this conversation is to she how things are going and try to feel her out a little. I know she could end up being cruel,etc. but I'm in a good enough place mentally for that not phasing me. 2 weeks NC really helped me get over the break up.

[Kael]

Just talked to her.

 

It was a very short (10 min) conversation. Talked about what has been going on with each other very briefly.

 

She seemed to be happy to talk to me. We didn't say we missed or loved each other.

 

She asked me to call her tomorrow to have more time to talk and catch up.

 

So, all in all, it went well. All positive vibes, not too awkward. We'll see where it goes from here...

 

I am very skeptical and cautious. I will make sure to keep my guard up. There could be another guy in the picture, etc.

 

I applied a lot of advice given. What do you take from this brief conversation with her? What advice do you have for this second call she requested?

 

Thanks all,

[westrock]

Kael,

 

Sounds like your call went well. She asked you to call her again tomorrow, so do it. When you talk to her again, just take the same approach that you had during your first call. Keep it brief and no relationship talk.

 

If she brings up the relationship, let her talk, but try to limit the discussion to only a few minutes so that neither of you does not say anything you will regret later. But also say to her that you are willing to discuss it more during your next call.

 

Leave the call on an upbeat mood and this time you invite her to call you.

[Billie The Puppet]

I'm glad to see people having success getting to talk to their exes and what not, Mine wants nothing to do with me, No texts, no emails. no ims, no facebook and says its way too soon to see me yet she is adamant that I did nothing wrong to her. She just needs to be single, Mind you she has contacted me a few times since the break up but none since our last talk because I was over confident and went on signs she wanted to reconcile which purely where not signs of wanting to reconcile. That same day I sent a NC email explaining why I need NC so she actually is obliging by it and I have been strong enough not to break No Contact myself. (10 days strong so far) I want to break it just to talk but I know that talk will go no where as I am not ready for it mentally.

[Kael]

Ok folks...UPDATE for you,

 

Just talked to her for an hour. Things went as good as they could've gone. Absolutely no arguing. We talked about each other. Her school. My work. Each others family/friends. Cut up a little. Laughed a little. Reminisced a little.

 

I INDIRECTLY mentioned how I have gotten in better physical and mental shape since we broke up. She seemed impressed. Going as far as to the effect of, "You seem better without me than you were with me." I responded with, "You were not the reason for some of the positive changes that have occurred." And, to be honest, a lot of the changes in my work out regime and me joining a co-ed sports league happened before the breakup, so I wasn't lying to her by saying that.

 

 

I avoided the relationship talk. She brought it up towards the end of the conversation. She said she is still very much confused. She is up and down. Each day being a little different. Her tone of voice seemed very regretful and down, not distant or bitchy.

 

On the weekend of the 25th, we are both going to be travelling to the same city, and she mentioned meeting up if I wanted and if we weren't too out of the way of each other. On the weekend of the 2nd, she is coming see her family (I live in the same city as her parents). She was asking me if I was going to be there, and, if I didn't plan on going anywhere, that she wanted to see me.

 

So, she initiated the desire to see me. We shall see if she follows up with that. I plan on going NC until the weekend of the 25th.

 

As I said before, I wasn't pining for a second chance, but, deep down, I do hope things could work out. However, I have given up hope of that happening though, since it is out of my control!

 

Tell me what you all think about the conversation. Also, tell me where you all think I should go from here.

[Billie The Puppet]

I think all is well actually, keep the not pining attitude and you'll do well, The "You seem better without me than you were with me." seems like it was a fishing comment and I think you handled it right.

 

2 possible chances of meeting up also is looking good as long as you can stick to you not bringing up the relationship and keeping the not pining attitude.

 

The weekend of the second I hope you didn't mention you would keep it opened but it is a bit far away that no plans is a reasonable response.

 

Weekend of 25th: she mentioned meeting up if I wanted

 

The only little problem I see with that is she places you in a predicament in which she is seeing if you still value her but making it your decision. You want it to be her that wants to see you. So if you can somehow flip this so she makes the effort to see you as if she wanted too it may be beneficial. However given the course of what you have written I don't think this really actually matters at all.

Edited September 15, 2010 by Billie The Puppet

[Ajax]

I'd definately not contact her until the 25th, and I also agree that it's best if she initiates.

 

However I tend to wonder how many second chances never get off the ground because one or both parties are stubborn. Don't be stubborn about it either. If the time comes and you havn't heard from her, send a friendly text asking if she's still in town.

[Don Ho]

Sounds like you handled it well Bro! Go print out those 11 steps I posted for you, pin them on your fridge and memorize them. Seems like you're on the right track with the correct mind set.

[Kael]

Thanks everyone.

 

I think things went well. I rode the fence on many issues and tried to stay neutral.

 

Ajax, I agree with you about the stubborn part. I firmly believe that most of these games we play actually hurt the chances of a second chance. However, I think NC with bits of LC is the absolute only way to have a second chance. I NC'd her for 2 weeks, then LC'd her for 2 days. Now, I am back on NC until the 25th. If I don't hear from her early that day, I will send a text simply saying, "Hey, I'm in town. You still want to get together for a little bit?" I don't think it pays to miss an opportunity to see her just because she doesn't send me a text first when she already told me today that she wants to see me.

 

So, I think everyone is right about NC, but I also maintain that each situation is different. Our breakup didn't end on a bad note, and there wasn't a tangible reason for it happening. She was regretful the following days, etc. So, in my case, I think NC and mixing in LC has worked.

 

I definitely think the ONLY way to get a second chance is by giving up hope and moving on. I have accepted the reality that we will most likely not work out. I do not expect her to change. I do not expect anything anymore. And, that has been the biggest help when I am going through NC and also LC. I am not pining over her. I haven't begged her. I am the frickin' man, and some nice, beautiful girl/woman will be lucky to be with me one day. My confidence is high but not acting arrogant. That attitude, imo, has caused her to want to see me. But, it wouldn't have happened if I wouldn't have initiated some contact. My girl has always been stubborn, so trying to see who is more stubborn would be a losing battle for me.

 

Please keep the thoughts/comments/suggestions coming in. You all have helped tremendously and I hope to continue discussing this with you all! I will definitely update you all as things progress.

[Kael]

Sounds like you handled it well Bro! Go print out those 11 steps I posted for you, pin them on your fridge and memorize them. Seems like you're on the right track with the correct mind set.

 

I looked at your 11 steps before we talked yesterday and today!

[Don Ho]

Good! Always good to know I'm not just spinning my wheels!