Things I Learned In A LDR

[pandagirl]

So, by now, most of you know my relationship is over with my LD boyfriend. I'm going to write down a few things I've learned that went WRONG in our relationship:

 

1. Duh, communication.

Obviously, we all know communication is VITAL in a LDR. This was a big short-coming for us. We did talk everyday, but as a person in general, he's not a communicative person. So when we argued, it was very difficult, because it was hard for him to explain himself or come to any kind of resolution. A lot of our little arguments added up into bigger arguments, when they should've been nipped in the bud from the beginning. He's the kind of person who used his physical affection as the way to show his love for me, which did not work out in this relationship since we were far away.

 

2. Different places in life?

We both went into this LDR rather naive. We just thought we'd be apart for the year and he'd come back, and that was that. Even though he's just 3 years younger than me, he just got out of grad school a year ago, and he is just starting out in his career -- one that is very demanding. He moved away for a job, our trips were scheduled about his deadlines, and ultimately, it's sort of what ruined our relationship. I don't think he had any idea how hard it was going to be to juggle his demanding job with a long-distance relationship.

 

On the other hand, I already went through my intense ambitious stage of my career -- the long hours and unending drive to succeed. There was a time when I put career first, but now I am looking for something different. Though I respect his ambition, I didn't like that it monopolized his attention and time.

 

3. Love is not enough.

Sadly it isn't. I know people always say: "If he/she REALLY loved you, they would try harder or make it work." I think sometimes that is true, and sometimes false. I know my ex loves me still, but he felt like he couldn't give equal amounts of effort to me and his job -- one would suffer always. If he was here, it might have been a different story.

 

4. Be patient.

I wish both of us had more patience with each other, but we didn't. Both of us wanted what we wanted, when we wanted it. It's not to say we didn't try to compromise, but when a LDR already requires TONS of patience, it's hard to put things into perspective sometimes. You're tired of waiting all the time, and it can wear on you.

[LisaLee]

Panda, I'm still very sorry about the loss of your relationship. I wish I could say more to make you feel better. But this is a truly excellent thread, and in the end it always seems to boil down to this one:

 

1. Duh, communication.

Obviously, we all know communication is VITAL in a LDR. This was a big short-coming for us. We did talk everyday, but as a person in general, he's not a communicative person. So when we argued, it was very difficult, because it was hard for him to explain himself or come to any kind of resolution. A lot of our little arguments added up into bigger arguments, when they should've been nipped in the bud from the beginning. He's the kind of person who used his physical affection as the way to show his love for me, which did not work out in this relationship since we were far away.

 

My SO is the same way... about his love for me he can be quite communicative. When it comes to any issues we may have or just expressing his feelings about missing me/ the distance he is not so much. This has led to a lot of insecurities on my part, which I do talk to him about and he usually quails my worries.

 

As I mentioned in another thread, we had a recent problem where we both knew he was being neglectful... at one point he very obviously broke prior plans with me to go hang out with his friends. He said he would make it up to me. I thought this meant us discussing the issue. It turned out he meant he would make it up to me in October when we are physically together. I'm still a little miffed about it as we have not brought it up since it happened, but if anything it cements my thinking that communication is vital to make any relationship work, especially an LDR.