How important is love in a marriage?

[Amira4210]

So I am in a serious relationship with a great guy, he loves me very much and is willing to do whatever it takes to make this relationshp work. He is also a divorced man, one who admits that his marriage failed bc there was no love on either side. He admits that he wasnt a very effoctionate or loving husband, but to me he is wonderful, again, bc he loves me. I, on the other hand, am not in love. Sometimes I wonder what love is? I want to have the butterflies and "fuzzy" feelings that he still has for me after all this time. With me, that initial stage faded quickly, as it does with every guy. Now maybe I am just not the lovey dovey emtional type. He claims he fell for me very hard and very fast. I did not and he says its ok that im not on that level yet.

 

WE have known each other of a yr, been dating for about six months. Its a long distance relationhsip but he is great at making sure we spend at least every other weekend together. Anywya, I've often wondered how i felt about him only bc of how he states he feels about me; makes me think that i should feel the same way. I tell Im jealous, bc I want to have those same feelings, but he says we all love at different times and in different ways. What is love anyway? Past the infatuation stage, I would like to know how many of you that have been married for yrs still feel the butterflies and constatnly think about their SO all day. I am afraid that if I don't feel that way now, than we should split up or that it will never grown into that for me.

 

PPl tell me marry the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, meaning you are in love and cant imagine your life with anyone else. But, ive fallen for guys in the past that i never wanted to be without, but knew they werent going to be good husbands or fathers so i ended the relationship. So what is more important when deciding to marry someone; how you feel about them or the life that you two will share together! DO you think with your head, or do you follow your heart? Some say let yur head lead your heart. Bc with marriage comes many responsibilities, and children, and in laws, and bills, and many many other obstacles that I believe love alone is not enough to get through life with.

 

Is is true that i dont feel those things yet bc i havent found my "soulmate" yet, that maybe he isnt the right guy for me in my heart (but "great on paper" and in my mind) or just that i need more time to be with this guy? Do soulmates even exsist??

Edited September 13, 2010 by Amira4210

[Eeyore79]

I am also not sure what love is. I would tend to classify the feelings I have with a new partner as "love"; the butterflies in the stomach, thinking about someone all the time, wanting lots of physical contact, etc. But maybe that's just infatuation, not real love. So then that begs the question, what is real love?

 

For me, when love has lasted in the longer term, it's because that infatuation was combined with a practical desire to be with a guy - because he was handsome, employed, took care of me and was nice to me, had similar interests and thoughts, and generally seemed compatible and a good catch. Being a good catch isn't sufficient by itself though; the infatuation part is still essential. Is that love, when someone seems like a good catch and you're also attracted to them and compatible?

 

If you don't feel those butterflies for your bf now, you may never feel them, and I couldn't live without that attraction in a relationship. But equally, attraction isn't enough; if you can't build a life with him in a practical sense then you're wasting your time. I think both things have to be present for a relationship to work.

[aerogurl87]

Love to me is not feeling like you can't live without someone (that's obsession) but not wanting to be without someone. It's being selfless, putting your partner ahead of yourself, and being able to see someone's faults and yet still being able to accept them for who they are. Love is unconditional, it doesn't fade because of superficialness, it does not weaken after the initial lust period is over. It intensifies over time and hard times only make it stronger. That is what true love is.

[LittleTiger]

Both erotic love and friendship love are essential in marriage.

 

Absolutely ESSENTIAL!

 

If you have any doubts, read some of the stories on the separation and divorce forum of LS. A lot of these are people who felt both at the beginning of their relationship but still struggled to hold it together, some felt only one or the other. Either way the endings are tragic.

 

Marriage is hard enough without starting off minus the glue that holds everything together when the going gets tough.

 

Do not marry this man, if you don't love him now you never will.

 

You'll know when you've met the right man.

[Untouchable_Fire]

So I am in a serious relationship with a great guy, he loves me very much and is willing to do whatever it takes to make this relationshp work. He is also a divorced man, one who admits that his marriage failed bc there was no love on either side. He admits that he wasnt a very effoctionate or loving husband, but to me he is wonderful, again, bc he loves me. I, on the other hand, am not in love. Sometimes I wonder what love is?

 

When you get access to his checking account... that's love!

 

I mean C'mon... I can't believe your even asking this question. It's silly! Your wasting this guys energy, time, and money.

 

Do you lie to him and tell him that you love him? I hope not.

 

I am also not sure what love is. I would tend to classify the feelings I have with a new partner as "love"; the butterflies in the stomach, thinking about someone all the time, wanting lots of physical contact, etc. But maybe that's just infatuation, not real love. So then that begs the question, what is real love?

 

Real love is an action not a feeling. The feeling may fade at times, but so long as the action remains it will come back even stronger.

 

The best way to tell if you love somebody is that you make choices for his or her benefit... even if it negatively impacts you.

[crazycatlady]

We just celebrated 13 years of marriage a few weeks ago. We have had our ups and downs and we have an unconventional marriage (I say this up front because if i don't someone else will come along and use it as a slam against what I say )

 

Anyway....

 

I still get that flipfloppy stomach feeling for my H I'm not sure that is love though but more anticipation. We aren't hand holders, we don't engage in much PDA. He definately isn't one to spout off his feelings at a drop of a hat.

 

We both feel as if something is missing when we are seperated - work, trips to visit family etc. We are always in touch when we are apart. Just being near the other can make a bad day go away. He has always protected me, and I've always taken care of him. That is us.

 

He knew when I opened the door that I was the one for him. It took him about a month to convince me he was actually serious about how he felt. I was a little more cautious.

 

Sometimes I look back and say that I had no idea what love what when we got married. What I felt for him then was....basic, simple, untried, and a little childish. It was raw love, untempered through time, stress, pain, joy, happiness, contentment, passion etc. But it was strong enough to weather the tempering process. Without love, we would not have made it. Without love, we would have hated each other.

 

Love is necessary. I don't think love is the fluttery feelings. Love is a glow, its knowing that person is going to give their all for you, and for you them. Its not feeling "right" when you are apart. Sure you can survive and even thrive apart, but really together is much better. Its hearing something funny, cute, inspiring and your first thought being "Oh I have to tell Dude about it". Or having your hurt wounded and knowing they will be the one who helps you heal it. They bring out your best, and if you are truly lucky, they help balance your weaknesses with strenght.

 

The number of stories we read here from people going "I don't know if I ever loved them" is truly sad. If you don't, let the guy go. By now love should be there.

 

CCL

[Amira4210]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. Its not that I do or don't, its that I don't even know! We had somewhat of a weird start, met online, he wasn't my ideal guy at the time, he told me he was gonna make me his one day, and then while I was traveling and was laid over in his town for 4 hrs, he begged me to at least meet up for lunch. By that time we were good friends, i just didn't know if i wanted to enter into a relationship with a divorced father. Anyway, we met up, and the moment I looked at him i fell for him. Physically he is handsome, but generally not my type. Anyway, after that i dated several guys, but always came back to this guy bc i can absolutely be myself and comfortable with him, which is so important. I adored and admired everything about him. Over time I really grew to love him dearly. I want nothing but the best for him, i worry sick that he might be hurt if he is late calling or something, i even feel so much pleasure when I do certain things for him, like maybe his laundry or make him lunch. I have no relationship with my own father and my close friends tell me that i put up walls with this guy bc im not used to being so close to a male and that it makes me uneasy.

 

I get approached by other men, yet feel no real interest to actually leave my guy and pursue other options. I did at first but as time passed i realized that he gave me everything i needed, whether its love or affection or just genuine friendship, and I am certain i won't find all that in any other man. Now if my heart can catch up with my head, we're golden Or maybe it already has, but these so called "walls" are the problem!

Edited September 13, 2010 by Amira4210

[Amira4210]

@Untouchable........no I do not lie and tell him I love him, I ask him if it bothers him that I never say no, he says no it doesn't bc he knows I'm not the affectionate type anyway. And I do get access to his bank account I guess, but I do not ever use it, he believes his ex was with him for his money, and I would never in a million yrs take advantage of his love for me and take money from him. We actually fight about him overspending all the time lol!

[GooseChaser]

Love is the CORNERSTONE of marriage, what it is BASED on, and its foundation. Of course love is not just important, but essential in marriage. There should hopefully be love even in a relationship, which comes before marriage. If there is no love, something is very, very wrong. It could help to seek counseling.

Edited September 13, 2010 by GooseChaser

[Untouchable_Fire]

@Untouchable........no I do not lie and tell him I love him, I ask him if it bothers him that I never say no, he says no it doesn't bc he knows I'm not the affectionate type anyway. And I do get access to his bank account I guess, but I do not ever use it, he believes his ex was with him for his money, and I would never in a million yrs take advantage of his love for me and take money from him. We actually fight about him overspending all the time lol!

 

After reading your follow up... I would say that your missing passion. Unless you start taking those walls down you can't have passion in a healthy relationship. You can have it in an unhealthy situation... but not in a healthy one.

[crazycatlady]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. Its not that I do or don't, its that I don't even know! We had somewhat of a weird start, met online, he wasn't my ideal guy at the time, he told me he was gonna make me his one day, and then while I was traveling and was laid over in his town for 4 hrs, he begged me to at least meet up for lunch. By that time we were good friends, i just didn't know if i wanted to enter into a relationship with a divorced father. Anyway, we met up, and the moment I looked at him i fell for him. Physically he is handsome, but generally not my type. Anyway, after that i dated several guys, but always came back to this guy bc i can absolutely be myself and comfortable with him, which is so important. I adored and admired everything about him. Over time I really grew to love him dearly. I want nothing but the best for him, i worry sick that he might be hurt if he is late calling or something, i even feel so much pleasure when I do certain things for him, like maybe his laundry or make him lunch. I have no relationship with my own father and my close friends tell me that i put up walls with this guy bc im not used to being so close to a male and that it makes me uneasy.

 

I get approached by other men, yet feel no real interest to actually leave my guy and pursue other options. I did at first but as time passed i realized that he gave me everything i needed, whether its love or affection or just genuine friendship, and I am certain i won't find all that in any other man. Now if my heart can catch up with my head, we're golden Or maybe it already has, but these so called "walls" are the problem!

 

I met my husband online and "knew" him years before we actually met. But we met as friends, it was not suppose to be a relationship. Boy was I wrong. And it sounds like first look was good for you with him.

 

How about passion? You sound close, but is there passion.

 

Also if you are worried about you, why not go to counselling and deal with the issues before getting further involved with this man.

 

Long distance relationships are hard. Mine with my H started long distance, but 6 weeks I no longer could do the distance and I up and moved. He was too important. Which is key to knowing if its love.

 

I think the biggest difference between friendship and love is passion. I'm not talking the fluttering of hearts blah blah blah. But when you are together, do you want to touch and kiss him. Does it turn you on to hold him. Lets face it, sex is important in a relationship. How's the sex?

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Unfortunately this doesn't sound like the guy for you... you need to quit leading him on.

 

I am intrigued by the fact that you had previous relationships where you couldn't stand to be without the guy, but they weren't husband or father material? How mature were these relationships (1yr+?) - Please elaborate on that...

 

All around it just seems to me like you may be resistant to making that commitment. Perhaps I am incorrect, it's just a vibe I tend to be percieving when I read your post(s).

[redtail]

...

Do soulmates even exsist??

 

There's really no compelling reason you two need to get married, at least not now. Marriage is not a solution to a problem so don't consider it as your answer to add feelings nor to remove your doubt. That doesn't mean that at some future date you two could reconsider.

 

Marriages thrive on love, many will provide you with a definition. But their definition can not make you feel it if you don't already. You haven't failed just because you don't maintain that "fuzzy" feeling, it just means to me that you aren't ready. That's okay, let it happen and someday it will.

 

"Soul mates" is over used in my opinion. Don't look for someone to be a soul mate until you're ready to be a soul mate for someone.

 

Best of luck to you both...

[Amira4210]

Thanks all for your input

@crazylday, you're right......there was a point in the relationship where I wanted this guy to be it for me that I did try to realize that he is not the problem, I am. I did go to a therapist, and i just cried the entire time talking about him, leading her to believe that i was in love, but not wanting to admit or put those feelings out yet. She also said that bc i see so many failed marriages around me that I don't necessairly see marriage as a good thing, so this kind of commitment acually pushes me away whenever he talks about marriage! And there is passion at times, I am not a very touchy person, so when he suffocates me with hugs and kisses I get annoyed and irritated, but when he gives me space, I come to him, at my own time and pace! is this selfish?

 

To SHe'sNOtinLOve, what I meant by not wanting to be without someone and all that in previous relationships is that i think sometimes love really isn't the most important or main reason ppl should get or stay together! There have been some guys that I really really liked, but bc they didn't seem like the kind of husband or father material that i wanted to settle down with, i let them go, thinking i was wasting my time. I get disappoined when ppl tell me to stop wasting time on this relationship! IF a guy is great but I am not in love, shouldn't I stick it out and wait, as opposed to staying with a guy that i am so in love with but isn't necessairyly the "right" guy for me?

 

Untouchable......you're not the first to tell me i have walls up, maybe I do, i just don't know what they are or how to tear them down, I guess. It seems like everyone can diagnose me with a disroder lol but not be able to tell me why or how to eliminate it lol!

[Amira4210]

CCL......sorry I forgot to address your question regarding sex....at first sex was not that good bc of how uptight i was about it....but it got so much better in time, I am very pleased as is he (he claims)! But often times i feel so guilty/ashamed about havng premarital sex, that I disengage in bed, or get really angry at him afterwards! I realize this and last night i talking to him about obstaining until we are married, if so, bc its making me despise him afterwards, he said if thats what I want than we will stop! Hopefuly we can follow through with that lol

[Jeff1962]

To the OP. I feel that if you are unsure then maybe you need to step back, take a look at where you want to go and what you are expecting from your life. Maybe take things a tad bit slower. If you are not ready for marriage and love, then you are simply not ready. Or, if he is not the right one, then he simply is not the right one. There is nothing wrong with where you are at in your life.

 

I feel as if you have answered your own questions. I cannot define love for you, only you can define love for yourself.

[Amira4210]

jeff...I am new to the site, sorry not sure what OP stands for. I have tried to take a step back, and told him we need to move slower. And when we do i sit and think "wow you're an idiot, why would want to not be with this guy, and then he does something and I completely charmed by him all over again." And can anyone really be ready for marriage or love or kids..... I think its something that you can't be ready for until you actually experience it. This guy has made me want the commitment as time goes on, he has opened my eyes to how much better off I am with him and how he makes me happier and brings me joy!

[InternationalPlayboy]

Don't get married. Marriage only gets harder, harder to maintain sanity, harder to remain in love. If you don't have those blissful days of carefree romance and love to at least look back upon and hope to possibly reignite, you'll never find it in marriage.

[sophiaatwedding]

Love is very important not only for marriage life but also any other relationship.

[Stung]

It sounds like this man is very important to you; whether you truly love him or not, nobody here can ever really tell you. It's possible you are missing a key element of passion, but it's also possible that you are experiencing a more mature, slower-growing love for the first time after a youth of shaky rollercoaster romances--banked embers that glow steadily vs. the wildfire that burns crazy but dies quick kind of thing, you know.

 

What I can tell you is that IMO there is no such thing as a one and only soulmate-- but there are people who complement us in unique ways and challenge us to be better people, with whom we can build a future. Those people can be hard to find, but sometimes people run across a handful of them in their lifetimes. And yes, I do think it takes more than six months of every other weekend to know for sure if someone is one of your complementary handful.

 

Also: while love itself is NOT enough, a marriage is doomed without love-- UNLESS it is one of the more old-fashioned marriages that's really more of a business proposition, a means to an end of family, blended financial resources, and security in old age. Such marriages sometimes work very nicely for everyone involved on a practical level. It sounds like you're open to considering the latter, and he desires the former, and there is your recipe for disaster. A marriage can only possibly survive in health if both parties are on the same page. You can't possibly go into a business marriage with a man who thinks he is entering a love marriage, and expect things to end well.

 

Something else to keep in mind--and this is coming from someone who ended up very happily in a love marriage with a man she was in an LDR with who had a child--you never really know someone until you've spend more time with them than you have been able to at this point, and your boyfriend's child deserves a future with somebody who cares about them and is ready and willing to embrace (step)motherhood. His child also needs to figure prominently in your thinking here, and you have barely mentioned them.

[kuma]

What I can tell you is that IMO there is no such thing as a one and only soulmate-- but there are people who complement us in unique ways and challenge us to be better people, with whom we can build a future. Those people can be hard to find, but sometimes people run across a handful of them in their lifetimes. And yes, I do think it takes more than six months of every other weekend to know for sure if someone is one of your complementary handful.

 

Well said.

[Amira4210]

@Stung......such a well put answer, thank you so much for your input. And you bring up a good point about his daughter, I have met her abut 3 times so far. Twice the three of us alone, and once with her aunt and him and my younger siblings. She is IN LOVE WITH HER DADDY and gets extremely jealous if he talks to me or touches me, so I try to keep my distance and tell him not to hug or kiss me infront of her, I don't want her to despise me, you know? I want to have a good relationship with her, one that grow slowly, naturally, and in due time. We haven't spent a lot of physical time together, but when I do call and she is around, her and I talk, but I feel like its more him forcing her to get on the phone and say hi, God bless his heart, he tries so hard. I tell him these things take time, let them come when the time is right.

 

And thank you for saying that this can be love that develops over time, there have been a few ppl here that said that if the love isn't there NOW, then it will never be. I don't like hearing that, bc, I know this might be an aim of some critisizm, but in my mind, I feel like we are already on that next level, we just haven't materilalized it yet. I see myself being with him, I see us living together, having children together, and being happy. Yet bc i am more of a critical person as apposed to an emotional person, I worry that I will always wonder if im in love or going for whats right for me instead, depending on how great of a day we have lol.