myshereeamor Posted September 13, 2010 Share Posted September 13, 2010 My husband who I knew was addicted to weed, and recently found out was addicted to cocaine got into some trouble with the law last year and was ordered to go to intensive outpatient treatment involving classes 3 nights a week and 5 meetings a week. A month into the treatment he says he can't take it anymore and leaves the home. Found out he was talking to another woman a week after. He's been gone now for over 6 months. Led me on the first 6 months and just recently admitted he was living with this other woman and he loves me but can't live with me. We have 2 children together and I am still so much in love with him! I am not coping very well at all, my kids see me crying all the time, and when I talk to him, it's like he could care less what he has done to me and the kids. We have been married 13 years! I don't want to lose him now that he is clean and sober! Why didn't he leave when he was using??? How am I going to deal with him due to the children now that I know there is no chance for a reconcilation?? Can't handle thinking of him with her and me and my kids all alone to fend for ourselves!!! I am worse now than when he left because now he is open about her, he has nothing to hide anymore! Someone please give me some advice!!! Please!!! Link to post Share on other sites
You Go Girl Posted September 13, 2010 Share Posted September 13, 2010 I hear this is very common. Something happens with the momentum of changing their life, and they think they have to change it all. Anything that is imperfect. Naturally a marriage isn't perfect. I think they are so afraid of slowing down at all, that they mustn't break their stride or they will backslide. They open their eyes to their relationships during their new sobriety, and they think that too is part of the problem. Well naturally their relationship wasn't on pleasant ground, they were using and destroying it! It seems there's a long period of adjustment to a normal life, if they ever become 'normal' in that they calmly sit back and react to things after thinking them through. There's a hyper period, and it can last a few years. Then, after that hyper period of improving themself, this is where the true test is. If they lose the hyperactivity, that is when many start using again. It's like they don't get to that place where they make life decisions without a reactive-mode of either doing fantastic, or completely blowing it by sliding back into whatever the addiction was. Again, just like the addiction period, this period too isn't your fault. It's another part of the cycle and transition. He can't handle reality with its average not daily thrill life. It's why he used in the first place, and now is manifesting itself in this affair woman. He's replaced the drugs with her. When you realize that last line, you won't blame yourself or feel bad as much. You carry on--being a rock to yourself and your family--you can't help that he's acting out in a new way to replace the old one. Be kind to yourself. You didn't deserve any of it. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted September 16, 2010 Share Posted September 16, 2010 My husband who I knew was addicted to weed, and recently found out was addicted to cocaine got into some trouble with the law last year and was ordered to go to intensive outpatient treatment involving classes 3 nights a week and 5 meetings a week. A month into the treatment he says he can't take it anymore and leaves the home. Found out he was talking to another woman a week after. He's been gone now for over 6 months. Led me on the first 6 months and just recently admitted he was living with this other woman and he loves me but can't live with me. We have 2 children together and I am still so much in love with him! I am not coping very well at all, my kids see me crying all the time, and when I talk to him, it's like he could care less what he has done to me and the kids. We have been married 13 years! I don't want to lose him now that he is clean and sober! Why didn't he leave when he was using??? How am I going to deal with him due to the children now that I know there is no chance for a reconcilation?? Can't handle thinking of him with her and me and my kids all alone to fend for ourselves!!! I am worse now than when he left because now he is open about her, he has nothing to hide anymore! Someone please give me some advice!!! Please!!! Hi My, Wow...unfortunately this is all too common with addicts, they operate with the drug, but when it's taken away their whole world is different sober....I am so sorry you got caught up in his insanity. You might want to think about posting in Infidelity or the OM/OW forums...you'll get a whole lot of support and advice. Your not alone My...there are many going through what you are...also, do you attend any church? That can give you a lot of support. I have been where you are and it is hell on earth...also extremely scary and intimidating.... Do you work? That always helped me, it gave me a lot of confidence that I did not have when I didn't work. Also working helps keep your mind on something other than a bad relationship. You got my prayers and thoughts, and I am so sad for you right now...joy does come in the morning eventually...please keep us updated, k...and think about posting in those other forums too (((((hugs))))) Link to post Share on other sites
desertIslandCactus Posted September 16, 2010 Share Posted September 16, 2010 I agree with Pure... There Is joy in the morning. Take care of yourself and your children. Your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. Take care of it .. Your husband isn't your answer. But hopefully, if you're not receiving support money from him for the children - that should be pursued. Most likely, as your life changes for the better - your husband will be drawn to you again. Try to focus just on the well being and strengthening of you and yours at this time. Take one small step at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
Sham WOW Posted September 16, 2010 Share Posted September 16, 2010 He probably associates you with his addiction and sees you as part of the problem, not the solution. Many addicts who get clean leave behind the things that they associated with during their addiction. Right or not, he may think that your relationship contributed to the addiction. This is how addicts sometimes think. Be glad he is clean whether he is with you or not- assuming he really IS clean. Try finding some support groups for family members of addicts. Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted September 16, 2010 Share Posted September 16, 2010 I too am very sorry that you're in pain. IMO (I'm a recovering cocaine addict of 10 years)...I relapsed several months back and entered and successfully completed (just last monday) a six month in patient rehab. Truth be told....in treatment a LOT of times you are encouraged to disengage yourself from your previous relationships (wrong or right) it is a strong belief within the N/A community (at least from my experience) that when beginning your sober life you must let go of everything in the past in order to move on and better yourself. Maybe he can't face all the insanity he put you and your children through in his active addiction....maybe he needed some time to clear his head and figure out what to do now....maybe a change of environment would have helped him instead of leaving his family maybe moving with his family could have been just as productive. I don't know his exact motives...maybe he doesn't even know them....however in his sobriety he will be much more capable of being a father to your children...I know it doesn't make it any easier for you as a wife...but take solace in the fact that your babies will have a sober functional father even if that means you have to lose your husband. I wish you the best of luck and maybe checking out alanon could be a good thing for you to look into. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused728 Posted September 17, 2010 Share Posted September 17, 2010 and for all you know he may not even be as clean as you think.. this woman he lives with now might also be using and he may want to me with someone that supports his habit.. i think that is a possibility Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted September 17, 2010 Share Posted September 17, 2010 and for all you know he may not even be as clean as you think.. this woman he lives with now might also be using and he may want to me with someone that supports his habit.. i think that is a possibility So sad but so possibly true...that is an all true reality addicts face when meeting and fellow shipping in recovery...if this woman wasn't serious about staying clean they may have fallen off together...maybe he wants to be someone who will "co-sign" his bullsh*t... We can't tell you for sure but I'll keep you in my prayers...good luck and I hope you keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused728 Posted September 18, 2010 Share Posted September 18, 2010 Barby..can u take a look at my other post.especially the one titled"break up over drugs or trust". I'd Really love ur opinion since ur a former addict. What did u do when u relapsed?what would u have done I'd someone confronted u? Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted September 18, 2010 Share Posted September 18, 2010 Join a support group. Sounds like you need it based on this event. Because this is a one sided post and we dont know his motives I can only say this, He is responsible for his actions and coming to terms with them. The repercussions of those actions are his to mend. The addiction infests the entire family dynamics. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveAintEverything Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 I think the best thing for you to do is go talk to someone, especially for your kids because this is not good for them at all. I know they have meetings every day for families coping with a family member leaving or that was addicted...just get some help...it will work Link to post Share on other sites
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