Fact or Fiction

[seren]

I read, often, that the WS often tells the AP about what the marriage is like and what is said, is often repudiated by the BS. The biggie being, we don't have sex, or we share the same bed, but have no intimacy, or even, she/I sleep on the sofa/spare room. others being, we go to events because it would look odd if we weren't attending together. The BS is old, fat, frumpy, or other derogatory terms. Another is that there is no love talk, I don't say I love her/him.

 

When I read this I rack my brains and think, no, it wasn't like that and I question whether I have selective memory, if I have rewritten history to make out the A time as no different from before the A.

I have concluded that before the A, our marriage was rocky, but we still told each other we loved each other, still cuddled, held each other, despite our both feeling something wasn't right. I tried to talk about our problems, but H always said, there was nothing wrong. We were both sad that we were lost, that we had lost track of me and he, but didn't know how to communicate to each other that we still loved and yearned for each other. My H always said and says, that my success made him not feel good enough for me. As if!!

 

During the A, H became a different man to the man I knew and loved, he didn't so much as distance himself as become distant. We still hugged, told each other we loved, still had days and nights out when we laughed (I have the photos so cannot be gaslighting myself). H would say that he didn't deserve me (dammed right) and that I should leave as he was a bad person - I of course leapt to his defence and said no, he was a wonderful man and that if he was unhappy, he should leave, even asked if there was an OW, only to be told, no, of course not.

 

Sex, well I had treatment for the big C and so sex was pretty much out of the question, but there is more than one way to skin a cat and we had intimacy, lots. We shared the same bed, it is our marrige bed and to sleep far apart is impossible as over the years we have a 'WE' spot in the centre where we both roll to and meet in our sleep to hug. That hadn't changed. he came to events to hear me speak, because he has always been proud of me doing my thing, he didn't have to, he chose to. We made plans for our future, we talked about grandbabies (when our son gets a move on) and we talked about our plans for us.

 

So, I am trying to get my head around fact or fiction, I understand that to tell the AP that all is OK at home (how can it be) would be counterproductive, I don't understand if they were given the 'out' card from the BS with no demands on finance, screaming matches etc, why they wouldn't just leave. I then have to conclude that it is because they are happier to be in the marriage than outside it - so why the A?

I don't get the BS is this or that or is ugly, fat, burps, farts, has facial hair etc - love is not so superficial, the WS would have run for the hills long before OP was on the scene. I know my MM, for of course only wives have MM the rest have someone else's, yet this side of him I do/did not know and so conflicts with who my H is, or I thought he was.

 

I am just pondering on the mechanics of the A, the telling of things. Is it to justify having an A to themselves? is it to paint things so very dark so as to make themselves look like poor me? Or is it to string the OP along? I know H didn't say bad things to OW, she has confirmed this, and this then gets me thinking that if and that is one big if, I were to have an A, then I would ask, if it is so good why have an A and send him packing. If it is so bad then leave.

 

One of the things that helped me on this board in the early days was reading other's experiences and understanding that there was a common script and that it was possible to reconcile and build a stronger marriage despite the A. I am not knocking anyone, it isn't my way, I know that no one really knows what happens other than those in the room at the time.

Just an early morning musing I suppose and a question about what was fact and fiction for other BS, it would be interesting to hear MM/MW tell of what was really fact or fiction and why the need to tell it that way and if it was so, so bad, why not just leave.

[September]

I read, often, that the WS often tells the AP about what the marriage is like and what is said, is often repudiated by the BS. The biggie being, we don't have sex, or we share the same bed, but have no intimacy, or even, she/I sleep on the sofa/spare room. others being, we go to events because it would look odd if we weren't attending together. The BS is old, fat, frumpy, or other derogatory terms. Another is that there is no love talk, I don't say I love her/him.

 

When I read this I rack my brains and think, no, it wasn't like that and I question whether I have selective memory, if I have rewritten history to make out the A time as no different from before the A.

I have concluded that before the A, our marriage was rocky, but we still told each other we loved each other, still cuddled, held each other, despite our both feeling something wasn't right. I tried to talk about our problems, but H always said, there was nothing wrong. We were both sad that we were lost, that we had lost track of me and he, but didn't know how to communicate to each other that we still loved and yearned for each other. My H always said and says, that my success made him not feel good enough for me. As if!!

 

During the A, H became a different man to the man I knew and loved, he didn't so much as distance himself as become distant. We still hugged, told each other we loved, still had days and nights out when we laughed (I have the photos so cannot be gaslighting myself). H would say that he didn't deserve me (dammed right) and that I should leave as he was a bad person - I of course leapt to his defence and said no, he was a wonderful man and that if he was unhappy, he should leave, even asked if there was an OW, only to be told, no, of course not.

 

Sex, well I had treatment for the big C and so sex was pretty much out of the question, but there is more than one way to skin a cat and we had intimacy, lots. We shared the same bed, it is our marrige bed and to sleep far apart is impossible as over the years we have a 'WE' spot in the centre where we both roll to and meet in our sleep to hug. That hadn't changed. he came to events to hear me speak, because he has always been proud of me doing my thing, he didn't have to, he chose to. We made plans for our future, we talked about grandbabies (when our son gets a move on) and we talked about our plans for us.

 

So, I am trying to get my head around fact or fiction, I understand that to tell the AP that all is OK at home (how can it be) would be counterproductive, I don't understand if they were given the 'out' card from the BS with no demands on finance, screaming matches etc, why they wouldn't just leave. I then have to conclude that it is because they are happier to be in the marriage than outside it - so why the A?

I don't get the BS is this or that or is ugly, fat, burps, farts, has facial hair etc - love is not so superficial, the WS would have run for the hills long before OP was on the scene. I know my MM, for of course only wives have MM the rest have someone else's, yet this side of him I do/did not know and so conflicts with who my H is, or I thought he was.

 

I am just pondering on the mechanics of the A, the telling of things. Is it to justify having an A to themselves? is it to paint things so very dark so as to make themselves look like poor me? Or is it to string the OP along? I know H didn't say bad things to OW, she has confirmed this, and this then gets me thinking that if and that is one big if, I were to have an A, then I would ask, if it is so good why have an A and send him packing. If it is so bad then leave.

 

One of the things that helped me on this board in the early days was reading other's experiences and understanding that there was a common script and that it was possible to reconcile and build a stronger marriage despite the A. I am not knocking anyone, it isn't my way, I know that no one really knows what happens other than those in the room at the time.

Just an early morning musing I suppose and a question about what was fact and fiction for other BS, it would be interesting to hear MM/MW tell of what was really fact or fiction and why the need to tell it that way and if it was so, so bad, why not just leave.

 

Good (early) morning to you

 

I was wanting to respond as an xOW regarding my relationship with my xMM.

 

To be honest he never lied to me about his wife. He didn't put her down or make any false claims about the state of their relationship. I knew what she looked like, she is very attractive and presents herself very well.

 

I think the reason he "strayed" was because his W was very busy being a great mother to 3 older teenage children. He often said that he felt last on the list and that the children were a priority, which is to some extent fair enough. He really praised her parenting skills to me and never put her down. He simply felt that they had grown apart. They were married at a very young age and over time had different interests, unfortunately she didn't enjoy any of the things he liked to do. Over time they had become COMPLETE opposites.

 

As for sex, they still slept in the same bed but he would often go to bed early and fall asleep before anything could be instigated. He did feel that when they did have it, it was routine and almost duty like. He often felt that she did it just to please him. Over the 2 year relationship their sex life dwindled down to once a month.

 

To me he was an incredibly affectionate person (as am I) He just loved kissing and cuddling, sitting and talking, holding hands and being heard. These were important things to him that were lacking in their marriage.

 

IMHO, I do think that it's very important to work on your marriage/relationship first, make time for each other, make each other a priority. If the Coaches of the team are happy then the whole team will be.

 

I hope this isn't offensive to anybody, I am just hoping to offer a little insight and let BS's know that not all WS's are saying awful things about their partners.