I really wish i can believe her, but deep inside I know its a lie...

[GorillaTheater]

would it be good or bad to be mad at her again next time i see her and confront her about this topic again??

 

Seems like you have a taste for drama yourself.

 

Look, forget being mad, forget confrontations, forget revenge affairs. Just tell her it's not working anymore. Because from where I sit that sure appears to be the case.

[p0w3r]

If you do a revenge affair, you're no better than she is. Your best bet is to dump her and find someone that respects boundaries.

 

So you say its best to dump her as soon as possible?

 

What about this. For the next 2 weeks or so I totally ignore her and/or ditch her while we are hanging out together saying I need to go meet another friend. And then let her know what it feels like?

 

Or maybe let her know my demands and my feelings and see if she is willing to change?

[p0w3r]

Seems like you have a taste for drama yourself.

 

Look, forget being mad, forget confrontations, forget revenge affairs. Just tell her it's not working anymore. Because from where I sit that sure appears to be the case.

 

I know I'm being stubborn. But I just want to be sure. Because once its over its over-----i wanna ask u, what makes you think its not working anymore?

 

arguments have been building up in the last week (we've argued 3 times last weekend but then made up after that).....does this help explain her behavior i described in the opening post? maybe she saw that she lost the spark in the relationship and could recover in the near future?

 

Should I try to salvage this relationship if I want it to continue? (just presuming)

[paleblue]

Seems like you have a taste for drama yourself.

 

Look, forget being mad, forget confrontations, forget revenge affairs. Just tell her it's not working anymore. Because from where I sit that sure appears to be the case.

 

This is solid advice.

 

This chick is not going to be your life long partner. You know it. The sooner you just move on the sooner you will be able to find someone who does show respect. She won't change. Don't bother wasting your time trying to make her see the light.

[p0w3r]

as for ur srs question, no it really isnt acceptable. sorry..

:bunny: male and female in one room, and the female has a bf. nope.

@dispatched: i think shes fairly young..but that happened to me too way back in college. started to play diablo a lot with this guy while i still had a bf and before i knew it we were making out.

lesson learned. or ..was it..

 

you say you had the same issue? then you would be able to tell me whats the best thing to for me to do right now? I know they weren't cheating as in making out etc or anything sexual but as a boyfriend I want to know how to best handle this. You reckon the same as others, dumping?

[p0w3r]

This is solid advice.

 

This chick is not going to be your life long partner. You know it. The sooner you just move on the sooner you will be able to find someone who does show respect. She won't change. Don't bother wasting your time trying to make her see the light.

 

She won't change?

 

I think maybe, just maybe, I'd be willing to give her a chance. As I know she is very inexperienced and immature at the same time so if I tell her the right thing to do she'll follow it.

[GorillaTheater]

I know I'm being stubborn. But I just want to be sure. Because once its over its over-----i wanna ask u, what makes you think its not working anymore?

 

arguments have been building up in the last week (we've argued 3 times last weekend but then made up after that).....does this help explain her behavior i described in the opening post? maybe she saw that she lost the spark in the relationship and could recover in the near future?

 

Should I try to salvage this relationship if I want it to continue? (just presuming)

 

Try to salvage it if you want, but I can't craft a reply any better than this:

 

This chick is not going to be your life long partner. You know it. The sooner you just move on the sooner you will be able to find someone who does show respect. She won't change. Don't bother wasting your time trying to make her see the light.

[flying]

Seems like you have a taste for drama yourself.

 

Look, forget being mad, forget confrontations, forget revenge affairs. Just tell her it's not working anymore. Because from where I sit that sure appears to be the case.

 

This.

 

This story you just described makes her sound like she's manipulative, all right, and I don't think it's OK that she was hanging out at that guy's place and telling you to go. But that's not all there is to it.

 

In your previous thread about this relationship, you made the point that you don't like to compliment her because you're worried she'll take the upper hand. Then, an incident occurred when you were fooling around, in which you started complimenting her heavily in the heat of passion. Then you posted here about how you were worried that from then on she'd take total advantage of you or something because you let it slip that you think she's hot.

 

Geez.

 

Here's my take: She's trying to make you jealous. You guys are having a weird power struggle - you're so worried about what your buddies said about the pedestal thing, and about being "too" nice to her and whatnot, and frankly, I think that's crappy too. So then she turns around and starts hanging out with this other guy and getting you to come over and when you get all angry and upset, she's kind of smiling. Sounds like the kind of thing one does when one is trying to provoke a reaction and yes, get the upper hand.

 

I think you both sound really immature, and you're not clear on what a healthy relationship is all about. It's not a power struggle. But I guess you're both what, 19? So, some growing up to do.

[p0w3r]

For ****s sake. What about your point of view? No, she's not allowed to have replacement boyfriends. That's pretty damn simple.

 

True. so dump asap? or make my view clear and see if she changes?

 

Can she hang out with other guys? Yes as long as you are okay with it (on a one on one basis). But hanging out with guys 1-on-1 you should be told about and be okay with. Guys don't call other guys up to "hang out". If a guy wants to "hang out" with her on a 1 on 1 basis and she doesn't realize they want to **** her then she's lieing.

She wants to hang out with him. He's just a guy with no-life who plays videogames all day and goes out maybe once a week. I didn't object to her hanging out with him before. Does the make a diffrence to the current scenario?

 

That other bull**** you wrote. You actually buy her bull****? Seriously. You get bored at home and decide that visiting this hot girl 3 doors down and sleeping in her bed is pretty damn normal? lkajsdf;lkjasdlf;kj

 

Right. I always thought this was BS too but I let it go because I thought even though i hated this they are friends and its bad to stop letting friends hanging out. but now she did this I agree with u its total BS.

 

 

 

 

if no one objects from here on it look's like I'll be dumping her in the next few days.

[Angel1111]

My son and his gf are currently in college and they give each other a lot of space because they both agreed that they want to enjoy the college experience, while enjoying one another, too. They are very close - even closer probably because they give one another space - but despite all that, I cannot imagine my son's gf treating him like this EVER. Not only that, I can't imagine why any girl would consider going to a guy's place, sleeping in his bed, spending the day there, etc, and expect her bf to be ok with it. My son would go through the roof if his gf did that, and his gf would fully expect him to.

 

I agree with the post above where he said that your gf invited you there to keep you from feeling suspicious, hoping that you wouldn't take her up on the offer. A girl who has nothing to hide would not behave this way. I mean seriously, was there not one girl around in the whole college that she could've hung out with? And even if there wasn't, is she so immature that she can't be in her apt by herself? Give me a break.

 

Instead of confronting her about it, you might be better off telling her that you didn't like her behavior of being at a guy's house all day, and treating you the way she did, and then break off the relationship. When someone is willing to act this way, you're better off not letting yourself get sucked into the drama of discussing it, listening to the denials and all that. Find someone who knows how to show respect the same as you do. Don't ever give anyone reason to think that you'll tolerate this kind of behavior.

[Angel1111]

I didn't object to her hanging out with him before. Does the make a diffrence to the current scenario?

 

It doesn't excuse her telling you to leave, no matter what. But I guess you need to define 'hanging out' with this guy. If you've always tolerated her being at his place all day alone with him and sleeping in his bed and all that, then yes that does impact what you say to her at this point. I still think there's no excuse for what she did and you should not ever tolerate a gf doing this kind of thing. It's one thing to hang out at a restaurant or with a group, but what she did was way over the top.

[TooAccepting32]

Ugh! get RID of her....

A person who is this disrespectful isn't worth your time..

So dismissive... you deserve to be wanted and preferred by your girlfriend over other guys... and you shouldn't have to doubt it. You deserve to be valued and treated with respect...

 

I would drop someone like a hot potato if they treated me like that

 

There are so many people in the world... don't get caught up on someone like her.

[sagetalk]

1. What should I do and say in future situations like this?

 

2. Is this relationship over? She wants to hang out with the other guy more than she wants to be with me? Is this correct?

 

THanks in advance.

 

1. Tell her you want to talk to her in her apartment. If she says no, then just leave.

 

2. In a since that you are her first choice, yes. In a since you are option 2, 3, or 4, no. If she is your girlfriend, this is unacceptable by any smart person's standards.

[callingyouuu]

if no one objects from here on it look's like I'll be dumping her in the next few days.

 

If you could read your story from a third-person point of view like we can, you'd understand why there's no way in hell any of us would tell you to try and get back with her.

 

Tell her that you're not ok with her hanging out at another dude's place, it's disrespectful, and it's over. She'll protest, but it's the right thing for you to do.

[that girl]

Here is what I want to know:

 

What she visably ill when you saw her?

 

So sick that you can't be in class is going to be obvious. There would be some combination of lethargy, glazed over eyes, runny nose, red eyes, pale skin, etc. If you're too sick to go to class, you're generally going to look it.

 

I think it is a little odd that she wanted to be sick at someone else's apartment, but I also think it is strange that you started quizing her on what she was doing rather than asking if she needed anything or how she was doing.

 

After we chatted in his living room for about 30 or 40 mins, she randomly says to me: "go home." Now, I was very taken by surprise when I heard this!! I said.."oh..you want me to go home now?" She replied.."yeah..you havent been home for two days (I had slept over at hers and a friends house in each of the previous 2 nights), you should go home and take a good shower and go sort your car out and rest early."

This could have been her being thoughtful or her needing to lay down.

 

I just asked her things like.."why are you so keen on staying in his apartment." She says she doesn't want to be home alone and they are going to finish off their PSP game together" I got a bit mad and asked her sternly"so you want to hang out with him?!!!!" She says..no no I just have nothing to do at home so here I can at least play games, and there is always someone to chat to."

Why didn't you offer to stay with her? Or at least make plans to spend the night later? Again, I think it is strange she wants to be with someone when she is sick, but if she really hates being alone, why aren't you offering to stay over?

 

Now as this went on and on I couldn't control my emotions and got mad at her...( I didn't yell or raise my voice tho as there were other flatmates)

Wait, so she wasn't just alone with this guy? There are other people in the flat?

 

I just became really serious and angry and thought..if you really just want someone to keep you company..aren't I the guy thats best for that?!!!! Why don't we go back to your apartment and we can hang out there?!!!! Then you won't be home alone ?!!!! I think you just really want to hang out with him and you just want me to leave asap!!" ( I didn't say any of this out loud to her at this point)

But did you offer this early on? If you didn't offer or had to rush to class in 20 mins, the situation is different than if you had the afternoon free and offered to spend it with her.

 

So I said to her..you go home too..she said:"no..I will go home later on when I need to go to sleep" I paused for a few minutes and said.."no you gotta go home, no joke, you are sick and you need rest and if you want to finsih your game come back later when you are feeling well" she heard this and became visibly annoyed...she said:"no no its fine i told you..you go home first...and then im gonna stay here until 9 and then i'll go home and sleep"..I repeated myself and said :"no no you are sick..you should go home early and rest and you don't actually have anything important to do here so you really should go home..seriously." She said .."do I have to? "

You're not her dad. This just sounds controlling.

 

I didn't object to her hanging out with him before.

You can't suddenly change the rules.

 

Do a revenge affair? (even if not sexua,l but for example just hang out with other girls all the time and ignore her?)

This is just childish.

 

In your previous thread about this relationship, you made the point that you don't like to compliment her because you're worried she'll take the upper hand. Then, an incident occurred when you were fooling around, in which you started complimenting her heavily in the heat of passion. Then you posted here about how you were worried that from then on she'd take total advantage of you or something because you let it slip that you think she's hot.

I remember this one, it was crazy. I'm thinking the screen name pOw3r might represent some of the OPs personal issues.

[Imajerk17]

p0w3r, you aren't listening to what everyone is saying.

 

Spending an entire day at another guy's house as your girlfriend did and then not leaving with you was a HUGE sign of disrespect, whether anything physical happened between her and this other guy or not. She knew how staying at his place instead of leaving with you would look--she basically chose this other guy over you.

 

If you "try to patch things up" or "pretend that nothing happened", she will lose respect for you--if she hasn't done so already, and then she will break up with you sooner or later. Then you will really feel like crap because you lost the girl AND your self-respect.

 

If you end it, you'll at least keep your self-respect. And if she misses you at all, she will probably come back promising to mend her ways. And she will stick to it, because she knows that you can walk if she doesn't.

 

You would do yourself well to take advice from us who have been there instead of having to make these mistakes yourself.

[p0w3r]

It doesn't excuse her telling you to leave, no matter what. But I guess you need to define 'hanging out' with this guy. If you've always tolerated her being at his place all day alone with him and sleeping in his bed and all that, then yes that does impact what you say to her at this point. I still think there's no excuse for what she did and you should not ever tolerate a gf doing this kind of thing. It's one thing to hang out at a restaurant or with a group, but what she did was way over the top.

 

Yes, that is some good reaffirmation that I needed. because I was afraid I might have over reacted. I knew I didn't over-react but wanted to be sure.

 

Actually, going back, we had a few arguments over this same issue, of hanging out at this guys place. She moved into the same apartment building without telling me before hand which I thought was unacceptable, but I didn't make an issue of it, partly because that guy's brother is the apartment manager and could provide better rooms.

 

I was fine with them hanging out together because she has few close friends and I thought it was okay for them to be hanging out together as long as nothing intimate went on. She tells me the only thing she goes there to do is to play PSP games together with them, and I chose to trust her on this. I thought she was having fun there but nothing dodgy would have gone on. I've been trying to be accommodating to her. I didn't object to her going over there as I thought it was just for fun and company when I couldn't be there. But with this sleeping on his bed stuff and not leaving his house when I got there and telling me to leave, I think something is really wrong here.

 

I obviously would not have at any time allowed her to spend the night there or stay there too late without a purpose.But I may not know everything that goes on in there. I am sure nothing sexual like kissing happened as she is much too conservative for that kind of stuff with anyone other than her BF.

 

Me allowing to her to "hang out"..I meant it in the say .."you can do things together but just as friends becasue u say u only go there because u hate being by yourself. You don't go there just because you think that's your second home and you want to be together with him."

[p0w3r]

UPDATE:

 

Since then she has talked to me and I was angry at her. (she saw me on the faceook and started chatting to me as I've yet to see her in person since the incident). I didn't tell her the whole story but she asked me why are you angry? you are angry over nothing? So i replied a few lines along the lines of: " .sleeping with otha guys on the same bed is totally fine and should be okay with ur boyfriend?!!!

im guessing u would be okay with me going to some girls house everyday and sleeping on her bed

?!!!

 

she replied: " I DONT GO THERE EVERYDAY TO SLEEP THERE! TO BE HONEST, OK, TELL YOU WHAT, ONCE ONCE, I FELL ASLEEP.

..you don't have to believe me..thats fine.

 

then i brought up yesterday's incident..

 

she said :"he wasn't sleeping! that guy wasn't sleeping!" "so I didn't sleep with him"

 

then I said: " #$%#@[email protected] have a boyfriend!! im not gonna waste my time with a immature kid like you"

 

the conversation ended up along the lines of me saying: "i told u before, u choose either him or me. Facebook isn't the place for these arguments. Now you have chosen him over me, I will disappear (from your life)."

 

and then she got really upset: saying:

 

"...no...please dont...i sed PLEASE DONT!!!!"

i didnt reply to any of that as I have pretty much decided to leave the relationship and any arguments over this is just pointless now"

 

then she kept on saying:"no u cant!!! did you hear me? you cant!!!"

 

"did you hear me?

I SAID NO!"

 

then i wrote..then wat do you want?

 

she wrote

 

"DONT DISAPPEAR!

DONT!!!!!!!

DID YOU HEAR ME OI!

OK!

I CHOOSE YOU!

OK NOW I KNOW

LIKE WAT U DID BETWEEN ME AND DC --(a while ago she thought i hanged out with my other friend too much and didnt hang out with her enough so she got mad and..either choose dc or me! DC is a guy and we were in lots of classes together so I didn't think there was an issue but she thought i didn't put her above him)

NOW IM GONNA CHOOSE YOU

SO DON'T DISAPPEAR!"

 

 

 

any ideas on how I should view this?

 

TIA

[that girl]

im guessing u would be okay with me going to some girls house everyday and sleeping on her bed?!!!

 

she replied: " I DONT GO THERE EVERYDAY TO SLEEP THERE! TO BE HONEST, OK, TELL YOU WHAT, ONCE ONCE, I FELL ASLEEP.

..you don't have to believe me..thats fine.

 

then i brought up yesterday's incident..

 

she said :"he wasn't sleeping! that guy wasn't sleeping!" "so I didn't sleep with him"

 

then I said: " #$%#@[email protected] have a boyfriend!! im not gonna waste my time with a immature kid like you"

 

the conversation ended up along the lines of me saying: "i told u before, u choose either him or me. Facebook isn't the place for these arguments. Now you have chosen him over me, I will disappear (from your life)."

 

and then she got really upset: saying:

 

"...no...please dont...i sed PLEASE DONT!!!!"

i didnt reply to any of that as I have pretty much decided to leave the relationship and any arguments over this is just pointless now"

 

then she kept on saying:"no u cant!!! did you hear me? you cant!!!"

You posted this on Facebook? What is wrong with you?

 

You dump someone in person.

 

Frankly, you sound like an immature bully to me.

 

She slept in his bed while he was elsewhere in the flat and other flatmates were home. Why is that such a big deal? It isn't like she is spending the night or cuddling with him.

 

I would think this was really sketchy if she was a 25 year old, but for a college student it isn't that strange. Add on top of that she is apparently uncomfortable being alone and it makes sense.

[Imajerk17]

Nice work, p0w3r! Sleep on it at least.

[btc8]

You posted this on Facebook? What is wrong with you?

 

You dump someone in person.

 

Frankly, you sound like an immature bully to me.

 

She slept in his bed while he was elsewhere in the flat and other flatmates were home. Why is that such a big deal? It isn't like she is spending the night or cuddling with him.

 

I would think this was really sketchy if she was a 25 year old, but for a college student it isn't that strange. Add on top of that she is apparently uncomfortable being alone and it makes sense.

 

I agree about the FB part, but not the sleeping in some guy's bed. And, for the record: I don't buy FOR A SECOND the alone thing. Sleeping in one guy's bed is just stupid and asking for it. You sleep in the living room on the sofa of some other person's flat if you are lonely--even then, though, I still find that to be disrespectful.

 

Frankly, the whole time she asked him to leave was borderline skank. If that happened to me, I'd drop her so fast, without question. It sounds like your relationship is progressively deteriorating, and this is obviously bothering you.

 

To the OP: Consider if the roles were reversed. Let's say you were acting like she was. Sleeping in some chick's bed when/if you were ill. Having her come over and then telling her to leave so you and this one chick could finish your 'PSP' game. Don't you think she'd be mad? You have every right to be pissed off. She's disrespecting you.

 

I know it's difficult to make a decision in terms of ending a relationship, but, from what I've read, it sounds like it is in your COMPLETE and TOTAL interest to end this NOW before she makes a sadistic habit out of using you. If you decide to stay with her, then you got to make it clear that this is unacceptable because she'll continue to do things like this if you do not call her out on it.

Edited September 14, 2010 by btc8

[flying]

Like I said before:

 

She's trying to make you jealous. You guys are having a weird power struggle....I think you both sound really immature, and you're not clear on what a healthy relationship is all about. It's not a power struggle.

 

I think you're both responsible for this mess you've made. Anyone who thinks I'm being overly harsh should seriously go back and read the previous thread I referred to. There's no question that the GF is behaving inappropriately in the story told in this thread - but if you look at the rest of the info we have on this relationship it's clear that the OP has helped create an unhealthy dynamic.

 

You're both immature and it's probably better off if you do let this one go. If you do decide to give it another chance, OP, I hope you'll be willing to also take a careful look at your own behavior, because it takes two people to screw something up like this.

[impz]

Like I said before:

 

 

 

I think you're both responsible for this mess you've made. Anyone who thinks I'm being overly harsh should seriously go back and read the previous thread I referred to. There's no question that the GF is behaving inappropriately in the story told in this thread - but if you look at the rest of the info we have on this relationship it's clear that the OP has helped create an unhealthy dynamic.

 

You're both immature and it's probably better off if you do let this one go. If you do decide to give it another chance, OP, I hope you'll be willing to also take a careful look at your own behavior, because it takes two people to screw something up like this.

 

I have to agree. As much as the girlfriend did enough to totally turn any normal boyfriend off, the manner you communicate shows that you are also not mature or emotionally stable enough to have a committed relationship with this girl. Time to break off and look at your own behavior.

[mortensorchid]

Opposite sex friendships are always the subject of "bad vibes", quite honestly. Ask her directly if she would rather be with this man than you. If she says yes, then that's your answer. If she says no and he really REALLY is just a friend, then you have nothing to worry about. But, if you trust someone when you shouldn't is when we feel like idiots.

 

Years ago, a man friend of mine "Ken" had this live in girlfriend "Barbie". He and I are still good friends after 13 years, but I was an issue with them. As far as I know, Ken has other women friends, I was friends with him before she came into the picture, but she saw me as a threat. She and I were friendly when we were together, but after she left for good a few years ago he said that they had had many fights about me. She accused him of cheating with me several times when NOTHING like that ever happened. I would assume that if someone is going to cheat, they would not display the "other" before the partner, but never say never I guess.

 

I would ask her directly, see what she says. If she says yes she would rather be with this guy for whatever reason, then, hard as it is to accept, you have to move on. If she says no, and you believe that, then ... See how you feel.

[Cracker Jack]

Seems kinda harsh, but you spoke your mind. I don't think you need to pursue this any further.