I really wish i can believe her, but deep inside I know its a lie...

[p0w3r]

shes writing status all over facebook about it.

 

the latest one being:

 

"I just can't convince myself that I am that stupid and that retarded enough to not be able to forget and stop any relying"

 

I feel like writing similar messages on facebook to get back and her and hurt her feelings.

 

Should I?

 

or should I just totally ignore that?

 

I have a feeling she is writing all these messages on facebook to get everyone to feel sorry for her and take her side.

[p0w3r]

btw it might be funny how my username is power. but that is purely coincidental. i was listening to the song power by kanye west wen i made the account so i just used it. i dont think anyone should judge anything from the username just incase

[LisaLee]

shes writing status all over facebook about it.

 

the latest one being:

 

"I just can't convince myself that I am that stupid and that retarded enough to not be able to forget and stop any relying"

 

I feel like writing similar messages on facebook to get back and her and hurt her feelings.

 

Should I?

 

or should I just totally ignore that?

 

I have a feeling she is writing all these messages on facebook to get everyone to feel sorry for her and take her side.

 

Her FB statuses make absolutely no sense and are a jumble of words. Why are you stalling? Break up with her, explain to her why if you like, just leave the girl and the drama behind.

[Angel1111]

I agree - her messages on fb make no sense at all. Is this girl on drugs or something? Good grief, how did you ever have a decent conversation with her about anything? When you say that she's writing 'about it' are you referring to the break-up or is that not done yet?

 

Look, if you write on fb about her at all, it will give her a sense of power and she will think you're still watching her. You want her to think - even if it's not true - that you don't give a fig about what she's doing or saying. As a matter of fact, you need to de-friend her on fb. If you don't want to do that, then you at least need to pretend that you're not paying attention. And even better, make it look like you aren't even on fb anymore. There's a button that can make you appear offline all the time - choose that one for now. That way, she can't chat with you or know when you're on it.

[p0w3r]

I agree - her messages on fb make no sense at all. Is this girl on drugs or something? Good grief, how did you ever have a decent conversation with her about anything? When you say that she's writing 'about it' are you referring to the break-up or is that not done yet?

 

"about it" means:

 

if you have read the facebook message chatlog (not the status posts by her) I told her that I will disappear from her life.

 

Today I texted her and asked her if she has any spare time today or tomorrow to meet her (in which I would dump her). I texted:

 

"when are you free?"

"are you with that guy?"

"if you are just dont bring him. I will meet you for one last time and then I'll disappear from ur life"

 

I admit, even though the relationship is over apart from a few words left to be said, that I am still bothered by the fact they would be hanging out together.

 

Look, if you write on fb about her at all, it will give her a sense of power and she will think you're still watching her. You want her to think - even if it's not true - that you don't give a fig about what she's doing or saying. As a matter of fact, you need to de-friend her on fb. If you don't want to do that, then you at least need to pretend that you're not paying attention. And even better, make it look like you aren't even on fb anymore. There's a button that can make you appear offline all the time - choose that one for now. That way, she can't chat with you or know when you're on it.

 

Since the thread started I have posted one facebook status on this breakup that I'm going through.

 

I posted:

 

"you really don't know what treasuring something is all about"

 

Can you explain to me why I should de-friend her on facebook? I kinda want to know how she feels after the relationship breakup. I think if she feels bad or is depressed by it then I know she is actually affected by this and not like she never gave a ***** about the breakup.

 

Right now we are not on good terms as u can expect after that facebook convo and those texts. It won't get any better from now on as you can expect as well.

Edited September 15, 2010 by p0w3r

[p0w3r]

I'd also like to add this extra detail of the happenings between me and her.

 

this help to better the course of action I should take that you guys advise me about. you would be better informed if you knew this.

 

A month ago I borrowed one of her scarfs.

 

Due to unexpected circumstances I lost the scarf.

 

The scarf is not just a normal scarf to her. It is a Burberry ( a luxury brand along the lines of Gucci and Louis Vuitton) scarf worth $700 New Zealand Dollars sold at the Downtown Duty-free shop. (about 500 USD) and it is a 18th birthday present to her from her mom who lives overseas. She has told me repeatedly that this scarf is worth ALOT to her and everytime she wears it it makes her feel her mom is with her.

 

I knew that if I told her I lost the scarf, it would probably end the relationship right then and there. I thought it would be extremely stupid if the relationship ended up on a scarf being lost (no matter how good the scarf was it was A SCARF and A SCARF only). So I decided not to tell her about me losing the scarf. A few days later she asked me to return the scarf. I told her something like: "my dad saw me wearing that scarf and believe I had wasted my money and unnecessarily spent so much money on a scarf and he got angry and took the scarf away." or some excuse like that. She got really angry that the scarf was not able to be returned when she wanted it to be returned.

 

Now from the posts I have written, you guys probably know she is one immature mentally retarded b!tch. She shouted things like:"that scarf is so important to me I dont want anyone else even touching it. and now ur dad was holding it?!! and he took it away from u??!!!!" I realise I was in the wrong and so I just kept being friendly and tried to comfort her saying things like dont worry my dad will give it back to u in a few days."

 

Even though I said she can get it back in a few days she was still really upset and even cried that she was not okay with it because the scarf is sooo precious to her that she doesnt want anyone else touching it and would never allow herself to be without the scarf for more than a few days. She was upset the entire night, (maybe not at me but at the fact the she couldnt get the scarf back that day).

 

She even said things like:"u know why its so important??! my mom bought it with cash!!! Normally she uses shop vouchers to buy those kind of stuff due to benefits from her work but this time she used cash instead of vouchers!! Thats extra special!!"

 

NOw I think she was totally ridiculous, but I acted as a nice boyfriend and said i know what you are feeling and u can get it back.

 

She was upset the whole evening. She asked me to go for a walk with her and I did. I just wanted her to forget about the scarf and we can get on with our relationship like normal.

 

At the same time I knew that I would have to tell her the truth sooner or later and the relationship would be either broken up or it would never be the same ever again. I thought that even if we were still bf/gfs after this debacle the relationship would not be healthy again because she'd always think I owe her and as a result would view me as someone that owes her if you know what I mean.

 

 

Its been about a month since the scarf was lost. Each time she got mad and asked about the scarf I made more excuses to delay the time. I don't think I need to write each excuse out but I just tried to delay it as late as I can.

 

She would eventually find out that she can't get the scarf back. And she said before that she'd hate me if I lost her scarf. My idea was that if this relationship went on and she became more attached to me she would not hate me or even break up with me if she found out abuot the scarf being lost.

 

What should I do?

 

My first plan was:

Now that she have been such a jerk to me. I'd act like a total d!ckhead and megajerk to her and make her hate and resent me. Because she is going to hate me anyways after she finds out that the scarf has been lost so what do I have to lose if I just do bad things to her and make her hate me now? Either I get hated for just losing the scarf or I can actually justify the hating by doing evil things to her.

 

Ideas?

[p0w3r]

Another update

 

She writes "emo" status on facebook frequently.

 

Her latest ones are:

 

Disdain memories

 

Why cant you just GO TO HELL!?!??!

 

 

***in RAGE.

 

.

 

Can someone explain to me how I should view this?

 

And especially, how should I look at this particular status message?

 

disdained memories (or memories not worth remembering?)

 

 

TIA

[LisaLee]

God, just dump her and tell her you lost the scarf... which btw, I think it was a prick move you lost the scarf. You knew it was special to her and you did not take extra precautions to take care of it. I understand where she is coming when it concerns things of sentimental values, and it's annoying how much you dismiss it.

 

You both are incredibly immature and drama queens.

[p0w3r]

God, just dump her and tell her you lost the scarf... which btw, I think it was a prick move you lost the scarf. You knew it was special to her and you did not take extra precautions to take care of it. I understand where she is coming when it concerns things of sentimental values, and it's annoying how much you dismiss it.

 

You both are incredibly immature and drama queens.

 

Why do you say I am a drama queen? I never did anything to disrespect her like I described in the opening post.

 

So you are saying its okay if I accept what she did and try continue the relationship? (because I had done many bad things too in your view) (since you think i am just as bad I should accept her behavior and just let it go?)_

 

 

 

 

 

I didn't lose the scarf on purpose. I cant control if I lose something by accident. I didn't intentionally lose the scarf to hurt her. If I did I'd just tell her I lost the scarf straightaway or just sell the scarf. I understand where she is coming from and thats why I acted all friendly and agonized when she was angry/upset about it.

Edited September 15, 2010 by p0w3r

[LisaLee]

No, you did not do anything like what you described in the opening post, but you have been disrespectful in other ways. It's no doubt that she is the one who is more immature than you, but that is not saying much. This whole thing about wanting the upper hand, putting her on too high of a pedestal is all ridiculous.

 

No, I did not say you should continue the relationship. It sounds quite toxic to me. I am saying that you should have dumped her already, before all this silly FB war of words started (which isn't exactly the height of maturity, either). By not doing that and dragging it out it appears you are reveling in all of the drama just as much as she is.

 

I understand you didn't lose the scarf on purpose, but knowing something has extra value to it you should have made sure to treat it with extra care. For that matter, anything you borrow from friends you should take care of and ensure no losses... especially something of sentimental value.

 

If you truly want the upper hand dump her over this guy before she dumps you over the scarf and other jerkish behaviors that she will claim you did.

[p0w3r]

I want to be clear about one thing:

 

If presumably I was also a drama queen (I dont personally think I am)and did bad things to her and created a power-struggle between me and her (by making her wait and replying late to her texts) , does that make it acceptable for me to be okay with what she has done(the things I had described in this thread (especially in the opening post) and accept it and continue the relationship with her? Does that make a dumping overly harsh on her and the one that ruined the relationship was me and not her?

 

(I dont think the relationship will continue but I want to know opinions regarding the above question)

[p0w3r]

No, you did not do anything like what you described in the opening post, but you have been disrespectful in other ways. It's no doubt that she is the one who is more immature than you, but that is not saying much. This whole thing about wanting the upper hand, putting her on too high of a pedestal is all ridiculous.

 

how is this ridiculous? in what ways?

 

No, I did not say you should continue the relationship. It sounds quite toxic to me. I am saying that you should have dumped her already, before all this silly FB war of words started (which isn't exactly the height of maturity, either). By not doing that and dragging it out it appears you are reveling in all of the drama just as much as she is.

 

 

I have only written one status on FB so far. (even though I really wanted to write more and make her feel bad and have negative feelings through my messages on FB). She has written so many one set of hands would not be able to count them all.

 

 

I understand you didn't lose the scarf on purpose, but knowing something has extra value to it you should have made sure to treat it with extra care. For that matter, anything you borrow from friends you should take care of and ensure no losses... especially something of sentimental value.

 

yes, thats my view too. But it was an accident. i did what a normal person would have done when i had the scarf with me. but it was uncontrollable how i lost it.

 

If you truly want the upper hand dump her over this guy before she dumps you over the scarf and other jerkish behaviors that she will claim you did.

 

How is it that I get the upper hand if I dump her now? Does she already have the upper hand now that she has taken advantage of my kindness and did something to hurt me? No?

Edited September 15, 2010 by p0w3r

[ConflictedGuy27]

hey OP. forgive me for not reading through all replies before commenting.

 

you asked earlier on how you should behaive in future situations like this. my answer, as though none of it matters; seriously. you reciprocate in kind with how much time you chose to spend with her & how you communicate.

 

let me drill down a bit. you getting mad, emotional and barraging her with questions (i) shows how insecure you are (even if your right for feeling such); (ii) is unattractive to women; and (iii) shifts tons of power towards her (hence the smiling during your chit chat in dude's apt.

 

she disrespects you 6 ways from Sunday and was still in complete command of the situation. what do you do? split. don't get mad, or angry - do the opposite.

 

regarding the term "revenge affair" throw that right out of your vocabulary, my friend - you aren't married to this chick, therefore you have no real commitment to her beyond some verbal agreement to "be together". I get it though, it sucks losing your girl.

 

interestingly enough getting her back and moving on without her are pretty much the same routine. don't "break up" with her, and stop all this heart-to-heart nonsense. bottom line, she's going to do what she wants and you have very limited power to change that, if any.

 

follow her lead on this one:

if she calls you, let it go to voicemail & call back when you're good & ready.

same with texting & fb.

keep your messages short and very nonchalant.

decrease the volume of your communications - a few texts every other day.

 

what this does is uses apathy to SHOW her something's wrong and she'll come to you wondering what's up. THEN you have a venue to talk about what bugged you.

 

e.g.:

her: "hey, are you avoiding me?"

you: "a little. maybe we need a break... don't we?"

 

lol, she'll wonder why (if she's not completely done with you already).

THEN you can say what's bugging you, or draw her out even further and cause her to think for herself - "you just don't get it. listen, I'll see you around..."

 

Quasi manipulative, but hey, if it's over anyway, try it (I doubt it is, she's just testing you and creating new boundaries allowing her to transition to the next guy comfortably).

 

you mentioned her fear of being alone, she'll likely gravitate more towards PSP guy if you downshift on her. just don't let it bother you because when your attention wanes she will respond to that. just stay in the drivers seat by not getting all emo about her.

 

hang out with buddies, flirt with other girls and treat your "gf" like she's treating you - like you're not a priority.

 

19 year old girls are very predictable.

[ConflictedGuy27]

I want to be clear about one thing:

 

If presumably I was also a drama queen (I dont personally think I am)and did bad things to her and created a power-struggle between me and her (by making her wait and replying late to her texts) , does that make it acceptable for me to be okay with what she has done(the things I had described in this thread (especially in the opening post) and accept it and continue the relationship with her? Does that make a dumping overly harsh on her and the one that ruined the relationship was me and not her?

 

(I dont think the relationship will continue but I want to know opinions regarding the above question)

 

you're clearly in this hyper state of emotion, man. just chill out. go hang with some buddies for awhile & let the chips fall where they may with this girl.

 

I'm not saying ignore her completely, but you've gotta get other stuff going on that matters more than her. it's obvious this situation is your top priority - it shouldn't be.

[p0w3r]

hey OP. forgive me for not reading through all replies before commenting.

 

you asked earlier on how you should behaive in future situations like this. my answer, as though none of it matters; seriously. you reciprocate in kind with how much time you chose to spend with her & how you communicate.

 

let me drill down a bit. you getting mad, emotional and barraging her with questions (i) shows how insecure you are (even if your right for feeling such); (ii) is unattractive to women; and (iii) shifts tons of power towards her (hence the smiling during your chit chat in dude's apt.

 

she disrespects you 6 ways from Sunday and was still in complete command of the situation. what do you do? split. don't get mad, or angry - do the opposite.

 

regarding the term "revenge affair" throw that right out of your vocabulary, my friend - you aren't married to this chick, therefore you have no real commitment to her beyond some verbal agreement to "be together". I get it though, it sucks losing your girl.

 

interestingly enough getting her back and moving on without her are pretty much the same routine. don't "break up" with her, and stop all this heart-to-heart nonsense. bottom line, she's going to do what she wants and you have very limited power to change that, if any.

 

follow her lead on this one:

if she calls you, let it go to voicemail & call back when you're good & ready.

same with texting & fb.

keep your messages short and very nonchalant.

decrease the volume of your communications - a few texts every other day.

 

what this does is uses apathy to SHOW her something's wrong and she'll come to you wondering what's up. THEN you have a venue to talk about what bugged you.

 

e.g.:

her: "hey, are you avoiding me?"

you: "a little. maybe we need a break... don't we?"

 

lol, she'll wonder why (if she's not completely done with you already).

THEN you can say what's bugging you, or draw her out even further and cause her to think for herself - "you just don't get it. listen, I'll see you around..."

 

Quasi manipulative, but hey, if it's over anyway, try it (I doubt it is, she's just testing you and creating new boundaries allowing her to transition to the next guy comfortably).

 

you mentioned her fear of being alone, she'll likely gravitate more towards PSP guy if you downshift on her. just don't let it bother you because when your attention wanes she will respond to that. just stay in the drivers seat by not getting all emo about her.

 

hang out with buddies, flirt with other girls and treat your "gf" like she's treating you - like you're not a priority.

 

19 year old girls are very predictable.

hey there. can you read post number 43?

 

It has a lot to do with what you wrote in your post. Its about how she had asked me on facebook why I was rude and angry towards on when she started talking to me on facebook. I told her a few of the reasons I was angry and she replied...tell me why you are angry and what i can do to make u happy and i can do it.

 

read it please. its important. I think you'll change everything u had written above.

[p0w3r]

hey OP. forgive me for not reading through all replies before commenting.

 

you asked earlier on how you should behaive in future situations like this. my answer, as though none of it matters; seriously. you reciprocate in kind with how much time you chose to spend with her & how you communicate.

 

sorry I am having some trouble understand what you are trying to say. What does "reciprocate in kind with how much time you chose to spend with her and how I communcate mean?

 

let me drill down a bit. you getting mad, emotional and barraging her with questions (i) shows how insecure you are (even if your right for feeling such); (ii) is unattractive to women; and (iii) shifts tons of power towards her (hence the smiling during your chit chat in dude's apt.

 

I don't think I am insecure about her hanging out with other guys. I have always allowed her and not said anything about her hanging out with other guys on campus, in class, or going to lunch or whatever. Or if a male friend wanted to hang out with her for a afternoon or two. The only thing I am very upset and concerned about is how she has been going to this guys apartment so much and hanging out with him, and hanging out with him into the late hours of night. The final straw in me getting angry at her was what I had described in the opening post. As the responses we can see in this thread, more people thought "I under-reacted and wasnt punishing enough" than "I was too insecure and asked those questions unnecessarily just to satisfy my suspicions about what happened."

 

she disrespects you 6 ways from Sunday and was still in complete command of the situation. what do you do? split. don't get mad, or angry - do the opposite.

 

Again sorry i dont understand your language here. What did you mean?

 

"what do I do? split." are you trying to say that you suggest that the action I take is to split up with her? Or are you saying that is the action I have already taken?

 

In what 6 ways did she disrepect me?

 

How was she in complete command of the situation?

 

 

regarding the term "revenge affair" throw that right out of your vocabulary, my friend - you aren't married to this chick, therefore you have no real commitment to her beyond some verbal agreement to "be together". I get it though, it sucks losing your girl.

 

 

 

interestingly enough getting her back and moving on without her are pretty much the same routine. don't "break up" with her, and stop all this heart-to-heart nonsense. bottom line, she's going to do what she wants and you have very limited power to change that, if any.

 

Huh? what do you mean by "getting her back and moving on without her are pretty much the same routine?"

 

follow her lead on this one:

if she calls you, let it go to voicemail & call back when you're good & ready.

same with texting & fb.

keep your messages short and very nonchalant.

decrease the volume of your communications - a few texts every other day.

 

please read post number 43.

 

what this does is uses apathy to SHOW her something's wrong and she'll come to you wondering what's up. THEN you have a venue to talk about what bugged you.

 

e.g.:

her: "hey, are you avoiding me?"

you: "a little. maybe we need a break... don't we?"

 

lol, she'll wonder why (if she's not completely done with you already).

THEN you can say what's bugging you, or draw her out even further and cause her to think for herself - "you just don't get it. listen, I'll see you around..."

 

so you are saying to not dump her just yet and see if she realises what she has done and see if she changes?

 

Quasi manipulative, but hey, if it's over anyway, try it (I doubt it is, she's just testing you and creating new boundaries allowing her to transition to the next guy comfortably).

 

Huh? So you are saying she wants to transition to that guy and be that guy's girlfriend? Then how is this relationship not over? (which you doubt)

 

you mentioned her fear of being alone, she'll likely gravitate more towards PSP guy if you downshift on her. just don't let it bother you because when your attention wanes she will respond to that. just stay in the drivers seat by not getting all emo about her.

 

Ok I could play the "emotionless guy". She'll want me back I think. But do you still think I should accept her back even though she had done all those things to disrespect me?

 

hang out with buddies, flirt with other girls and treat your "gf" like she's treating you - like you're not a priority.

 

19 year old girls are very predictable.

 

I could do all that and hang out with other people and take a break from her. But wouldn't that mean she'll hang out with that PSP guy even more and develop even more feelings for her? What you said to do (flirt with other girls and treat her equally bad as she did) isn't that kind of a power struggle thing/trying to create jealousy/revenge that many posters here have told me to avoid?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Looking forward to your response. I have to say its very different to what everyone has been saying.

[p0w3r]

OP, bookmark this thread, come back 10 years later and you'll have a good laugh

 

why??.............

[meerkat stew]

If presumably I was also a drama queen (I dont personally think I am)and did bad things to her and created a power-struggle between me and her

 

What makes you look like a drama queen here is that your situation is really cut and dried. You felt disrespected and angry at her actions, rightfully so. If the level of anger and disrespect you feel rises past your personal tolerance for such, break up, if not don't. It's really that simple, and others have told you this in different words over and over.

 

As far as the scarf, I might break up with a GF who borrowed a prized possession (the few that I have LOL) and lost it and then showed the nerve to act defensive about it and not super apologetic if there weren't enough time and water under the bridge between us. I would DEFINITELY break up with a GF who lost a prized possession, didn't fess up IMMEDIATELY, but continued to lie about it. That's a huge red flag. Your treatment of the scarf issue is far worse than anything she has done to you IMO.

[p0w3r]

What makes you look like a drama queen here is that your situation is really cut and dried. You felt disrespected and angry at her actions, rightfully so. If the level of anger and disrespect you feel rises past your personal tolerance for such, break up, if not don't. It's really that simple, and others have told you this in different words over and over.

 

As far as the scarf, I might break up with a GF who borrowed a prized possession (the few that I have LOL) and lost it and then showed the nerve to act defensive about it and not super apologetic if there weren't enough time and water under the bridge between us. I would DEFINITELY break up with a GF who lost a prized possession, didn't fess up IMMEDIATELY, but continued to lie about it. That's a huge red flag. Your treatment of the scarf issue is far worse than anything she has done to you IMO.

 

So what if ur gf acted super apologetic about it?

 

anyways, I think i wanted to keep her. but the things that shes done are beyond the level of tolerance. I might want to just ignore what she did and continue the relationship and ask her to change, but I think she would just think she has it easy with me and lose respect for me still allowing her in my life despite what shes done.

 

what do you think? would you have tolerated that based on everything you have rread?

[ConflictedGuy27]

okay, I read post #43.

 

look man, perhaps you really don't see it, but you're perpetuating all this drama as though you enjoy it. it's like a dance you two are doing. I get it, you're both young, but c'mon.

 

just focus on this question: "what is it that I want from this relationship?"

seriously think about that... throw out all the past stuff for now, toss out all the FB exchanges, petty arguments and even the amount of time she's been spending @ PSP dude's house (just for now).

 

don't communicate with her (or anyone else regarding your relationship with her) until you understand what you want.

 

is it sex?

recreational companionship?

drama?

 

I don't know that answer, and you're behaving as though you don't either.

 

if you want a girl friend that "gets" the fact that sleeping in some other dude's bed'll piss off her bf - guess what, you got the wrong girl. no fighting with or arguing with that fact; it simply is what it is.

 

that's what everyone's been saying. getting upset with an aligator for behaiving like an alligator says WAY more about the person arguing with it...

 

again. think about what you want. next, you must honestly ask if what you want can be reasonably obtained in this relationship.

 

both of you have shown a ton of immaturity and that's why some are calling you a drama queen. much of this drama couldve been avoided which is leading us to believe that perhaps you do enjoy it. whatever... that's not my point.

 

be mature here, man. let her go if she's not a match. if you move on, will she get another guy? of course. will it be PSP guy? that shouldn't matter.

 

you may want to spend some time thinking about WHY it is that you date & have a gf. that seems to be the underlying disconnect, IMO.

[Angel1111]

What makes you look like a drama queen here is that your situation is really cut and dried. You felt disrespected and angry at her actions, rightfully so. If the level of anger and disrespect you feel rises past your personal tolerance for such, break up, if not don't. It's really that simple, and others have told you this in different words over and over.

 

As far as the scarf, I might break up with a GF who borrowed a prized possession (the few that I have LOL) and lost it and then showed the nerve to act defensive about it and not super apologetic if there weren't enough time and water under the bridge between us. I would DEFINITELY break up with a GF who lost a prized possession, didn't fess up IMMEDIATELY, but continued to lie about it. That's a huge red flag. Your treatment of the scarf issue is far worse than anything she has done to you IMO.

 

....and to add to that, you're still asking what you should do in this situation. My son, who is probably exactly your age, wouldn't think twice in this situation. He has a 'put up with no crap' policy that he adheres to pretty tightly. I'd suggest you start doing the same.

 

What people see from your actions is that you're uncertain as to what to do in situations that should be pretty obvious. This is how you're perpetuating the drama, by being indecisive. Indecision also invites disrespect. I wouldn't have even texted her that you wanted to have one final conversation with her. You should've left it at 'when do you have some free time', or whatever exactly you said. The rest of your text was just a baiting her and if I had been her, the only response you would've gotten was 'you know what, if this is where we're at, let's just call it a day and be done with it. Have a nice life.'

 

I agree with meerkat about the scarf issue too. Unless you were hoping it would suddenly pop up, I don't see why you deceived her about it. If nothing else, you should've let her know you lost it but that you were going to knock yourself out trying to figure out where it was. I'm not sure it's worse than what she did to you, but it wasn't your smartest move.

 

Bottom line, my friend, is that you're dating someone who pushes your buttons too often and she's way too immature to be in a relationship. For your part, start focusing on your actions in all aspects of your life. I'm sure you're a great guy in many ways - you're probably responsible, you're going to college - all that's great. So just start thinking about how your indecision can create a circus around you, without meaning to do it.

[leftfordead2]

I'd also like to add this extra detail of the happenings between me and her.

 

this help to better the course of action I should take that you guys advise me about. you would be better informed if you knew this.

 

A month ago I borrowed one of her scarfs.

 

Due to unexpected circumstances I lost the scarf.

 

The scarf is not just a normal scarf to her. It is a Burberry ( a luxury brand along the lines of Gucci and Louis Vuitton) scarf worth $700 New Zealand Dollars sold at the Downtown Duty-free shop. (about 500 USD) and it is a 18th birthday present to her from her mom who lives overseas. She has told me repeatedly that this scarf is worth ALOT to her and everytime she wears it it makes her feel her mom is with her.

 

I knew that if I told her I lost the scarf, it would probably end the relationship right then and there. I thought it would be extremely stupid if the relationship ended up on a scarf being lost (no matter how good the scarf was it was A SCARF and A SCARF only). So I decided not to tell her about me losing the scarf. A few days later she asked me to return the scarf. I told her something like: "my dad saw me wearing that scarf and believe I had wasted my money and unnecessarily spent so much money on a scarf and he got angry and took the scarf away." or some excuse like that. She got really angry that the scarf was not able to be returned when she wanted it to be returned.

 

Now from the posts I have written, you guys probably know she is one immature mentally retarded b!tch. She shouted things like:"that scarf is so important to me I dont want anyone else even touching it. and now ur dad was holding it?!! and he took it away from u??!!!!" I realise I was in the wrong and so I just kept being friendly and tried to comfort her saying things like dont worry my dad will give it back to u in a few days."

 

Even though I said she can get it back in a few days she was still really upset and even cried that she was not okay with it because the scarf is sooo precious to her that she doesnt want anyone else touching it and would never allow herself to be without the scarf for more than a few days. She was upset the entire night, (maybe not at me but at the fact the she couldnt get the scarf back that day).

 

She even said things like:"u know why its so important??! my mom bought it with cash!!! Normally she uses shop vouchers to buy those kind of stuff due to benefits from her work but this time she used cash instead of vouchers!! Thats extra special!!"

 

NOw I think she was totally ridiculous, but I acted as a nice boyfriend and said i know what you are feeling and u can get it back.

 

She was upset the whole evening. She asked me to go for a walk with her and I did. I just wanted her to forget about the scarf and we can get on with our relationship like normal.

 

At the same time I knew that I would have to tell her the truth sooner or later and the relationship would be either broken up or it would never be the same ever again. I thought that even if we were still bf/gfs after this debacle the relationship would not be healthy again because she'd always think I owe her and as a result would view me as someone that owes her if you know what I mean.

 

 

Its been about a month since the scarf was lost. Each time she got mad and asked about the scarf I made more excuses to delay the time. I don't think I need to write each excuse out but I just tried to delay it as late as I can.

 

She would eventually find out that she can't get the scarf back. And she said before that she'd hate me if I lost her scarf. My idea was that if this relationship went on and she became more attached to me she would not hate me or even break up with me if she found out abuot the scarf being lost.

 

What should I do?

 

My first plan was:

Now that she have been such a jerk to me. I'd act like a total d!ckhead and megajerk to her and make her hate and resent me. Because she is going to hate me anyways after she finds out that the scarf has been lost so what do I have to lose if I just do bad things to her and make her hate me now? Either I get hated for just losing the scarf or I can actually justify the hating by doing evil things to her.

 

Ideas?

 

Let's go through this step by step.

 

1) Regarding the issue about the scarf, you mentioned it was something that has sentimental value to her, not to mention the expensive price tag. You said: "NOw I think she was totally ridiculous, but I acted as a nice boyfriend and said i know what you are feeling and u can get it back."

 

In what way was she acting ridiculous? This scarf was important to her, you lost it but lied and said it was with your dad. Why is she being ridiculous for wanting something that was hers back, not to mention it has sentimental value. I would be pissed if I found out my boyfriend lost some item that is important to me and is making up all kinds of excuses to cover up for his mistake.

 

2) A relationship is not about having revenge when one make mistakes. I know it's hard to control your emotions of wanting the other person to suffer or see how wrong his or her actions are. However, I can assure you that if the girl think it's alright to hang out with another guy frequently when she is in a relationship with you, no amount of reasoning on your end would make her "see the light." Obviously, both of you have different boundaries when it comes to being in a relationship. If you're uncomfortable about the contact level she has with that guy. Tell her upfront, but not in a accusatory manner. Let her know your boundaries and what you can take or not take in a relationship. If her views differ from yours, it is best to part ways. If you try too hard to hang on to this relationship when your basic boundaries are blurred, you guys are gonna have a lot of problems or conflicts in the future.

 

3) Stay off facebook please. Facebook is nothing but drama for you right now. Stop reading her posts or status. She is trying to get a reaction out of you. Don't play her game by posting your status or current emotions now too, it does no good for the both of you. This is passive aggressiveness and it would only serve to aggravate the situation. What you need right now is to have a face to face talk with her and not a facebook war. Emotions and words can be misinterpreted online. If you view this relationship as a game, I can tell you that you have already lost miserably. Why? Because you are obsessing over her every status update and words she posted. You analyze what it means, whether it has to do with the relationship. This is constantly on your mind and you can't shake it off. I don't know if this her intended consequence but it is certainly doing you no good.

 

4) As mentioned, you clearly cannot tolerate her hanging out with the other guy frequently. I gotta agree that it sounds fishy. From the way you put it, this relationship is as good as over. If you forget about all this and stay together with her, are you sure you are not gonna obsess about whether she is contacting that guy or hanging out with him when you are not around? If you cannot handle that, you are going to become really insecure and clingy in the relationship down the road. This brews into another formula for a break up that is to come.

 

5) If you do break up with her, forget about all the revenge and what-not. Just move on. Telling her you think her actions are wrong won't change anything. If she believed that, she would have reduced her contact with the guy. Just tell her face to face that she has crossed your boundaries and you cannot tolerate that. It is up to her if she wants to respect your boundary or just call it quits.

 

6) Just curious, how old are you and is this your first relationship?

[p0w3r]

Let's go through this step by step.

 

1) Regarding the issue about the scarf, you mentioned it was something that has sentimental value to her, not to mention the expensive price tag. You said: "NOw I think she was totally ridiculous, but I acted as a nice boyfriend and said i know what you are feeling and u can get it back."

 

In what way was she acting ridiculous? This scarf was important to her, you lost it but lied and said it was with your dad. Why is she being ridiculous for wanting something that was hers back, not to mention it has sentimental value. I would be pissed if I found out my boyfriend lost some item that is important to me and is making up all kinds of excuses to cover up for his mistake.

 

I'm not saying that wanting it back and being angry about it is ridiculous. But some of the reasons like buying it with cash and not store vouchers and how that makes it even more special, -- I couldn't understand it.

 

2) A relationship is not about having revenge when one make mistakes. I know it's hard to control your emotions of wanting the other person to suffer or see how wrong his or her actions are. However, I can assure you that if the girl think it's alright to hang out with another guy frequently when she is in a relationship with you, no amount of reasoning on your end would make her "see the light." Obviously, both of you have different boundaries when it comes to being in a relationship. If you're uncomfortable about the contact level she has with that guy. Tell her upfront, but not in a accusatory manner. Let her know your boundaries and what you can take or not take in a relationship. If her views differ from yours, it is best to part ways. If you try too hard to hang on to this relationship when your basic boundaries are blurred, you guys are gonna have a lot of problems or conflicts in the future.

 

Yes. At this moment I have come to realise that we really have different perspectives on whats acceptable and whats not in our relationship.

 

However is this too late to still have a discussion about our views and our philosophies about how each other should behave in this relationship?

 

She has already done what she did (the things I posted in this thread) and those were unacceptable things in ANYONE's relationship.

 

So you are saying perhaps its best to have a talk and if she thinks what I'm saying is not what she agrees with and then part ways?

 

Or just part ways now before any communication is done to try to rectify the situation?

 

3) Stay off facebook please. Facebook is nothing but drama for you right now. Stop reading her posts or status. She is trying to get a reaction out of you. Don't play her game by posting your status or current emotions now too, it does no good for the both of you. This is passive aggressiveness and it would only serve to aggravate the situation. What you need right now is to have a face to face talk with her and not a facebook war. Emotions and words can be misinterpreted online. If you view this relationship as a game, I can tell you that you have already lost miserably. Why? Because you are obsessing over her every status update and words she posted. You analyze what it means, whether it has to do with the relationship. This is constantly on your mind and you can't shake it off. I don't know if this her intended consequence but it is certainly doing you no good.

 

Right. I understand now that its best that I keep off facebook and not give her a reaction (which she would love to get).

 

So you are saying she is the one being "passive-aggressive" by leaving her messages out there and seeing if I bite on them?

 

Even though I am very stressed out by this, I obviously don't want her to see that stressed out side of me and I want her to see that I am very happy that I got rid of her and she is no longer in my life. (you cant say this as "putting on a mask and showing it off to her")

 

4) As mentioned, you clearly cannot tolerate her hanging out with the other guy frequently. I gotta agree that it sounds fishy. From the way you put it, this relationship is as good as over. If you forget about all this and stay together with her, are you sure you are not gonna obsess about whether she is contacting that guy or hanging out with him when you are not around? If you cannot handle that, you are going to become really insecure and clingy in the relationship down the road. This brews into another formula for a break up that is to come.

 

Thats the thing I am thinking of right now. If I do indeed give this another chance and lay down the law once and for all this time, I am not sure if she will still just be hanging out with him. I didn't behave insecure and clingy to her until about 2 weeks ago where I got angry about her hanging out with him too much. (before I didnt really appear to care if she hanged out with him).

 

I've told her 2 weeks ago that them two living so close to each other is gonna be a big problem. and she said she disagrees. she said she only goes over to play pSP games. And I took her word for it and thought they would only be hanging out occasionally and as friends. But what happened if the opening post as I had described changed my mind about everything. This is the first time I've known that she slept there and first time she was demanding to stay there even though I had come to visit her.

 

I know they'll still text and facebook each other often no matter what. But I think I can put up with texts and facebook messages. However hanging out in person so much is a BIG no-no from my perspective.

 

I'm not sure if she will actually change or not in her future actions. But I know verbally she'll say she is willing to change as seen in the facebook chatlog.

 

 

 

5) If you do break up with her, forget about all the revenge and what-not. Just move on. Telling her you think her actions are wrong won't change anything. If she believed that, she would have reduced her contact with the guy. Just tell her face to face that she has crossed your boundaries and you cannot tolerate that. It is up to her if she wants to respect your boundary or just call it quits.

 

So you are saying just go tell her how I feel about what she has done and how I cannot accept that at all and then give her an "ultimatum"..like.."if you agree what im saying is right then we can try again. But if you think I'm being too harsh then we'll break up.

 

 

6) Just curious, how old are you and is this your first relationship?

 

I just turned 20. And yes, my first proper relationship.

[MrNate]

It's like hokie and I say..

 

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.designcognition.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/rocket-launch.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.designcognition.com/&usg=__GuaCBF8bSER3XBVAl8XO5YABDdg=&h=481&w=381&sz=21&hl=en&start=0&zoom=1&tbnid=J9DSAzEusH91gM:&tbnh=133&tbnw=116&prev=/images%3Fq%3Drocket%2Blaunch%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26safe%3Doff%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26sa%3DN%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-US:official%26biw%3D1280%26bih%3D597%26tbs%3Disch:1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=228&vpy=85&dur=1567&hovh=252&hovw=200&tx=86&ty=113&ei=nn-RTIWnLcH48AaxytWzBQ&oei=nn-RTIWnLcH48AaxytWzBQ&esq=1&page=1&ndsp=22&ved=1t:429,r:1,s:0

[p0w3r]

....and to add to that, you're still asking what you should do in this situation. My son, who is probably exactly your age, wouldn't think twice in this situation. He has a 'put up with no crap' policy that he adheres to pretty tightly. I'd suggest you start doing the same.

 

What people see from your actions is that you're uncertain as to what to do in situations that should be pretty obvious. This is how you're perpetuating the drama, by being indecisive. Indecision also invites disrespect. I wouldn't have even texted her that you wanted to have one final conversation with her. You should've left it at 'when do you have some free time', or whatever exactly you said. The rest of your text was just a baiting her and if I had been her, the only response you would've gotten was 'you know what, if this is where we're at, let's just call it a day and be done with it. Have a nice life.'

 

So you feel its good to still tell her my perspective in all this and then she how she responds? i.e. tell her I am really not okay with the things she had done and she has been crossing the boundaries and then see what she says? and if she agrees then continue and if she doesnt breakup on the spot?

 

Or just breakup without seeing if she is willling to offer herself to behave by my standards?

 

I agree with meerkat about the scarf issue too. Unless you were hoping it would suddenly pop up, I don't see why you deceived her about it. If nothing else, you should've let her know you lost it but that you were going to knock yourself out trying to figure out where it was. I'm not sure it's worse than what she did to you, but it wasn't your smartest move.

 

Bottom line, my friend, is that you're dating someone who pushes your buttons too often and she's way too immature to be in a relationship. For your part, start focusing on your actions in all aspects of your life. I'm sure you're a great guy in many ways - you're probably responsible, you're going to college - all that's great. So just start thinking about how your indecision can create a circus around you, without meaning to do it.

 

Yeah I knew what I did with the scarf thing was not the best action. But I thought if I had told her that I had lost it the rest of our relationship in the foreseeable future would be scarred by this scarf and it wuold always be at the back of our minds especially hers. Any argument here on in wuold probably be like...so what..you lost my scarf!! and she would feel I always owe her and that wuold not create a stable relationship.

 

And should I just act decisive from now on, and say, :"listen, if you dont get ur act together, then this is over right now and here."

 

?