He may be a serial cheat, but I'm too spoilt to leave

[donnamaybe]

I don't think a WS needs anyone making excuses for his behavior to be able to continue to cheat if that is what he wants.

He does, though, if he wants the same OW rather than constantly having to look for a new one.

[2sure]

In the case of serial cheaters some wives, especially those who have reasons that are important to them for staying are able to come to terms with it because:

 

The OW of serial cheaters are a hobby, like collecting or like golf in some cases. An important recreation to him. NOTE: Its the selfish recreation that is important to him NOT the OW. So, the BS doesnt take it personally or tries to turn a blind eye. She considers it her H's dirty little fault.

 

Now, I'm not saying its right or wrong. I chose not to put up with it.

But for those that do...putting up with it does not necessarily mean they are in denial, or have unhappy marriages. They just dont find it important or consequential enough in the scheme of things to make it a deal breaker. Obviously, this is not the same as condoning it or having an open marriage ...but she knows she can indulge this or overlook it because even he does not see his dalliances as an important part of real life. just a hobby. One he will not quit.

[Star_Bright]

Can definitely be the case. But, his motives are still selfishly based. If he loved the BW or the OW, he would take care to not cause the one he loves pain. JMO

 

I agree. It's like a strange paradox. He doesn't love himself and so can't really love anyone else. So he just uses both (or more?) women to try to make himself feel better. When really he just needs to love himself.

[herenow]

I agree. It's like a strange paradox. He doesn't love himself and so can't really love anyone else. So he just uses both (or more?) women to try to make himself feel better. When really he just needs to love himself.

 

Yup and , IMO, no one can make a MM having an affair stop his destructive behavior.

 

If he stops having an affair because he is caught and his BW demands it, or if he leaves the marriage because the OW demands it, IMO, he is destined to return to his destructive pattern.

 

The only way he will truly stop and change is when he does it for himself. Maybe when he is faced with losing someone he realizes he truly loves (could be the BW or an OW). Maybe when he realizes he is unhappy and needs to make a change. Whatever it is, it has to be by the choice of the MM or real change (or commitment) is improbable. IMO.

[jennie-jennie]

In the case of serial cheaters some wives, especially those who have reasons that are important to them for staying are able to come to terms with it because:

 

The OW of serial cheaters are a hobby, like collecting or like golf in some cases. An important recreation to him. NOTE: Its the selfish recreation that is important to him NOT the OW. So, the BS doesnt take it personally or tries to turn a blind eye. She considers it her H's dirty little fault.

 

Now, I'm not saying its right or wrong. I chose not to put up with it.

But for those that do...putting up with it does not necessarily mean they are in denial, or have unhappy marriages. They just dont find it important or consequential enough in the scheme of things to make it a deal breaker. Obviously, this is not the same as condoning it or having an open marriage ...but she knows she can indulge this or overlook it because even he does not see his dalliances as an important part of real life. just a hobby. One he will not quit.

 

Great post. Having been the BS of two serial cheaters, I can verify this is what it is like. I saw it as an addiction though, rather than a hobby.

[WowReally]

I could stay with a serial cheater though (and I have) as long as I still love him and he loves me.

 

A cheater doesnt love anyone but themselves - sorry

[jennie-jennie]

A cheater doesnt love anyone but themselves - sorry

 

Not true. He loves as much as he is capable of loving, which varies among WSs.

[Star_Bright]

Some MM love themselves too much so have affairs to prove their awesomeness.

 

Some MM are empty so seek affirmation/love from any available source.

 

 

Both are emotional vampires.

IMO

 

I understand them being empty.

 

I think that if they truly loved themselves, they wouldn't have to "prove" their awesomeness. They would just feel it.

[WowReally]

Not true. He loves as much as he is capable of loving, which varies among WSs.

 

Mmmmmm not sure I'd classify that as love...sorry

[bohogirl]

In the case of serial cheaters some wives, especially those who have reasons that are important to them for staying are able to come to terms with it because:

 

The OW of serial cheaters are a hobby, like collecting or like golf in some cases. An important recreation to him. NOTE: Its the selfish recreation that is important to him NOT the OW. So, the BS doesnt take it personally or tries to turn a blind eye. She considers it her H's dirty little fault.

Now, I'm not saying its right or wrong. I chose not to put up with it.

But for those that do...putting up with it does not necessarily mean they are in denial, or have unhappy marriages. They just dont find it important or consequential enough in the scheme of things to make it a deal breaker. Obviously, this is not the same as condoning it or having an open marriage ...but she knows she can indulge this or overlook it because even he does not see his dalliances as an important part of real life. just a hobby. One he will not quit.

 

In your opinion the BS does not care that her spouse dangles the end of the marriage to the OW in order to keep her emotionally tied to him. The BS does not care that her husband tells amazing falsehoods in order to keep a woman in his life that is not her?

 

I would not feel proud of such a spouse.

[2sure]

Sigh....I am going to say this because in my experience and from what I see here, its the truth.

 

Sometimes when people cheat, and afterward...they say "It meant nothing to me"...its the TRUTH. The affair/ OW meant nothing to him.

Sorry if its difficult for some to wrap their heads around but its true sometimes.

 

Now, for me as BS...that made me feel worse I think because he risked hurting me badly for something that literally meant not much at all to him.

 

And, as a former OW...I realized that although at the time I felt like I was empowered & in control of my relationships with MM...i was not. I was demeaned because when they left me I ...I was the SHE that meant nothing to them.

 

It goes back to what Ive always said...infidelity itself does not break up a marriage. Its the cowardice and deceit that takes care of that.

[bohogirl]

Sigh....I am going to say this because in my experience and from what I see here, its the truth.

 

Sometimes when people cheat, and afterward...they say "It meant nothing to me"...its the TRUTH. The affair/ OW meant nothing to him.

Sorry if its difficult for some to wrap their heads around but its true sometimes.

 

Now, for me as BS...that made me feel worse I think because he risked hurting me badly for something that literally meant not much at all to him.

 

And, as a former OW...I realized that although at the time I felt like I was empowered & in control of my relationships with MM...i was not. I was demeaned because when they left me I ...I was the SHE that meant nothing to them.

 

It goes back to what Ive always said...infidelity itself does not break up a marriage. Its the cowardice and deceit that takes care of that.

 

You meant nothing to your MM. So sad.

Sexual infidelity is more than sufficient to end a marriage - no digging for reasons necessary. It is a dealbreaker for many people who equate fidelity with respect.

[jennie-jennie]

In your opinion the BS does not care that her spouse dangles the end of the marriage to the OW in order to keep her emotionally tied to him. The BS does not care that her husband tells amazing falsehoods in order to keep a woman in his life that is not her?

 

I would not feel proud of such a spouse.

 

In my experience the serial cheater only has shorter relationships. I think the longest any of my WSs had an extramarital affair was half a year. The shortest was several ONS. Not too many promises can be made during that time.

[2sure]

In your opinion the BS does not care that her spouse dangles the end of the marriage to the OW in order to keep her emotionally tied to him. The BS does not care that her husband tells amazing falsehoods in order to keep a woman in his life that is not her?

 

Well, he is telling the "amazing falsehoods" to a woman the wife does not feel is a threat...so why would she care if the lies are told...or believed...as long as it is not her that is participating in the fabrications?

 

Further - I would add that for every OW that wonders why a BS believes lies or doesnt see the truth...there may be a BS who wonders how OW , who has nothing but words, can believe something different than what she sees.

 

I would not feel proud of such a spouse.

 

No kidding, who would??? A spouses faults, indiscretions, habits, and even crimes are not things anyone is proud of.

[bohogirl]

The second was not my post.

[bohogirl]

 

Well, he is telling the "amazing falsehoods" to a woman the wife does not feel is a threat...so why would she care if the lies are told...or believed...as long as it is not her that is participating in the fabrications?

 

Further - I would add that for every OW that wonders why a BS believes lies or doesnt see the truth...there may be a BS who wonders how OW , who has nothing but words, can believe something different than what she sees.

 

I would not feel proud of such a spouse.

 

No kidding, who would??? A spouses faults, indiscretions, habits, and even crimes are not things anyone is proud of.

 

 

The amazing falsehoods I referred to were are actually to his wife. An Ow would feel exactly the same way - why should she care ........

[WalkInThePark]

In your opinion the BS does not care that her spouse dangles the end of the marriage to the OW in order to keep her emotionally tied to him. The BS does not care that her husband tells amazing falsehoods in order to keep a woman in his life that is not her?

 

I would not feel proud of such a spouse.

 

I share your opinion.

I am always amazed at BS here on LS who proudly say "that the OW meant nothing to him". Honestly, I would not like to be with a man who gets involved with women when they mean nothing to him. In my opinion this is immoral. Why spend time with someone who has no value for you.

 

For me this is about the principle that I want a partner who treats people with respect. If he only treats me with respect and others with disrespect, that's not good enough. If I see this duality, I translate it as immorality.

[donnamaybe]

I share your opinion.

I am always amazed at BS here on LS who proudly say "that the OW meant nothing to him". Honestly, I would not like to be with a man who gets involved with women when they mean nothing to him. In my opinion this is immoral. Why spend time with someone who has no value for you.

 

For me this is about the principle that I want a partner who treats people with respect. If he only treats me with respect and others with disrespect, that's not good enough. If I see this duality, I translate it as immorality.

And conversely, EVERY AP sees their MM/MW treating their spouse with no respect so they, too, are accepting someone that I could NEVER respect myself.

[bohogirl]

And conversely, EVERY AP sees their MM/MW treating their spouse with no respect so they, too, are accepting someone that I could NEVER respect myself.

 

Not true. Where is the disrespect when everyone is on the same page? Every part to the triangle knows the score and the BS turns a blind eye.

[donnamaybe]

Not true. Where is the disrespect when everyone is on the same page? Every part to the triangle knows the score and the BS turns a blind eye.

Huh? It's a lack of respect for a guy to sleep around behind his spouse's back, but it's NOT a lack of respect to lead an AP on with pretty lies while continuing to sleep with his spouse?

 

I disagree in a BIG way. We aren't confining this to this one single article any more. We've BEEN talking about A's in general. And if an OW/OM SEES their AP LYING to their spouse, that is a lying cheater in action. NO respect.

[bohogirl]

You said every AP. I disagreed.

 

IMO There is no lying when the BS knows what is going on. If she chooses not to make a stand is it disrespect of lack of self respect?

[bohogirl]

I share your opinion.

I am always amazed at BS here on LS who proudly say "that the OW meant nothing to him". Honestly, I would not like to be with a man who gets involved with women when they mean nothing to him. In my opinion this is immoral. Why spend time with someone who has no value for you.

 

For me this is about the principle that I want a partner who treats people with respect. If he only treats me with respect and others with disrespect, that's not good enough. If I see this duality, I translate it as immorality.

 

A BS has to believe this otherwise how could she forgive WS?

[donnamaybe]

You said every AP. I disagreed.

 

IMO There is no lying when the BS knows what is going on. If she chooses not to make a stand is it disrespect of lack of self respect?

It is both a lack of self respect AND a lack of respect.

[Owl]

A BS has to believe this otherwise how could she forgive WS?

 

An OW has to believe that the relationship with the BS is "dead/unfullfilling/etc..." or how could SHE accept the situation.

 

See, there are a million arguments to keep this kind of thing going on and on...no value in trying to play the "one up" game here on LS.

 

Rather than either side trying to throw out negatives about the other...isn't it better to focus on simply solving your side of the equation?

 

As far as the original post in this thread...while this has already been said ad nauseum here, I'm sure that there are people out there on both sides of the triangle who feel this way.

 

There are "kept" BS's, and there are "kept" OW/OM.

 

Some poeple are comfortable with this choice, others are not.

 

What's left to discuss?

[LucreziaBorgia]

This thread reminds me of the book Inconvenient Woman by Dominick Dunne. It was a novel based on the story of Betsy and Alfred Bloomingdale and his OW Vicki Morgan.

 

Same basic story: very, very wealthy MM, long marriage to respected socialite who overlooked his affair(s?), and an OW who was 'kept' by the MM. None wanted to lose their positions, but when MM was dying, W cut off OW's 'payments' and OW tried to sue to keep up her payments the sh*t hit the fan and OW was murdered about a year later under somewhat suspicious circumstances.

 

In the novel, the names and details are changed but only just so much. You get to see the whole thing from MM's POV and what made him cheat yet stay married, the W's POV and what kept her there (not something so simple as 'money'), and the OW's POV and why she stayed.

 

It gives some interesting insight to all three sides - sometimes there are no simple answers and no clear cut 'good' or 'bad' guys.