He may be a serial cheat, but I'm too spoilt to leave

[pureinheart]

It is all about choices. This BS turns a blind eye because she wants to. An objective person believes that she could have the comfortable lifestyle without hubby. However, in her eyes he is part of the package - she needs her friends and family to believe that she is being taken care of by "her" man even if he is playing away.

 

I understand this because I have witnessed that mentality. It is all about putting on a show. When you act like everything is fine you start to believe it.

 

In bold, I think this is the truth in soooo many cases, I just find it very hard to believe, especially in long term EMR, that the W doesnot know...I'm not buying it.

 

You know what is funny...I have ALWAYS done better financially single than M. I've always been good with money (for the mostpart) and have yet to meet a partner that is good with money...oh well....

[seren]

Quote:

Originally Posted by WalkInThePark

I share your opinion.

I am always amazed at BS here on LS who proudly say "that the OW meant nothing to him". Honestly, I would not like to be with a man who gets involved with women when they mean nothing to him. In my opinion this is immoral. Why spend time with someone who has no value for you.

 

For me this is about the principle that I want a partner who treats people with respect. If he only treats me with respect and others with disrespect, that's not good enough. If I see this duality, I translate it as immorality.

A BS has to believe this otherwise how could she forgive WS?

 

BoHogirl replied A BS has to believe this otherwise how could she forgive WS?

 

I can only speak for myself as I would hate to generalise, but, the fact that H spoke badly of OW didn't make it easier, it actually made it harder and has been one of the things I take umbrage with. I actually defend the OW when/if he says something horrible about her and have told him that it would be easier if he had loved her, as I can understand love, but not, nothing. In our instance the OW and I have spoken, we were both civil and she said that while she loved H, he had always told her he loved me and wasn't leaving - this doesn't excuse what he did, nor does it make me feel proud or pleased that OW was hurting.

 

Not all BS have to believe that their H's hate OW, personally, I find it disrespectful, but then I find A's disrespectful also, I can disagree with the A, disagree with the roles of those in the A, without hating and can empathise with hurt. Unfortunately it isn't always reciprocated. Some BS, when the how's why's and wherefore's are discussed come to understand why the A started and make their choice whether to reconcile or not based upon that.

To be honest, if we (general we) only stayed with those who showed respect for others and see duality as immoral, there would be no need for BS to forgive as there would be no cheaters or A's.

 

I hate to think of some of the OW/OM I have met on LS being disrespected, by anyone, or read when they are hurt, similarly I hate to think of the pain and direspect shown to BS. It's screwed up whichever way you look at it

Edited September 15, 2010 by seren
tried to bold quote and again for spelling

[bohogirl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by WalkInThePark

I share your opinion.

I am always amazed at BS here on LS who proudly say "that the OW meant nothing to him". Honestly, I would not like to be with a man who gets involved with women when they mean nothing to him. In my opinion this is immoral. Why spend time with someone who has no value for you.

 

For me this is about the principle that I want a partner who treats people with respect. If he only treats me with respect and others with disrespect, that's not good enough. If I see this duality, I translate it as immorality.

A BS has to believe this otherwise how could she forgive WS?

 

BoHogirl replied A BS has to believe this otherwise how could she forgive WS?

 

I can only speak for myself as I would hate to generalise, but, the fact that H spoke badly of OW didn't make it easier, it actually made it harder and has been one of the things I take umbrage with. I actually defend the OW when/if he says something horrible about her and have told him that it would be easier if he had loved her, as I can understand love, but not, nothing. In our instance the OW and I have spoken, we were both civil and she said that while she loved H, he had always told her he loved me and wasn't leaving - this doesn't excuse what he did, nor does it make me feel proud or pleased that OW was hurting.

 

Not all BS have to believe that their H's hate OW, personally, I find it disrespectful, but then I find A's disrespectful also, I can disagree with the A, disagree with the roles of those in the A, without hating and can empathise with hurt. Unfortunately it isn't always reciprocated. Some BS, when the how's why's and wherefore's are discussed come to understand why the A started and make their choice whether to reconcile or not based upon that.

To be honest, if we (general we) only stayed with those who showed respect for others and see duality as immoral, there would be no need for BS to forgive as there would be no cheaters or A's.

 

I hate to think of some of the OW/OM I have met on LS being disrespected, by anyone, or read when they are hurt, similarly I hate to think of the pain and direspect shown to BS. It's screwed up whichever way you look at it

 

This was definitely spoken from your heart. Thank you for contributing.

[bohogirl]

Only speaking in my situation when I was a BS, I knew something was off, I just didn't know what it was. I exhausted every avenue trying to figure out what it was. It took a long time to finally get proof (years). Who wants to throw a marriage away over feelings that can't be proven? You have to remember that, at least in my case, I WAS trying to talk to my H and figure out what was wrong, but I was gaslighted the whole way.

 

In my xMM's case, similar occurred. She went as far as asking him if he had a girlfriend and he denied. He controls the money in their house, has locked online cell records, and also works in a high security area that requires odd hours at times. She was left with her doubts, but no way to prove them.

 

I think having questions or doubts that can't be proven are far different than turning a blind eye.

 

I agree with you. It is so cruel to lie in the face of a direct question.

[seren]

I so agree that gaslighting is just so damaging, the, is there someone else questions, the we need to talk questions, the assurance that no there is no one else, the I love you's and the continuing to portray themselves as still in love, still having sex and on the other side of their mouth's to another, the same, the no we aren't sleeping together, the, she doesn't care about what I do, we just share a house. All are made to keep the status quo in both camps. When you are told over and over that there is no one else and are shown love, you believe, because you love, so much

 

The telling the truth will mean that one or the other is hurt and has their dreams smashed to bits. The only one who truly knows is the one with a foot in each camp, no matter how it is dressed up, no matter how we might protest. Each will believe they have the truth, it is the BS who has no choice, and that is the worse thing. If all know and if all are content to live that way, then there is no A, as such, more an open relationship(s). Wouldn't work for me, but whatever floats your boat and doesn't hurt anyone.

[White Flower]

This thread reminds me of the book Inconvenient Woman by Dominick Dunne. It was a novel based on the story of Betsy and Alfred Bloomingdale and his OW Vicki Morgan.

 

Same basic story: very, very wealthy MM, long marriage to respected socialite who overlooked his affair(s?), and an OW who was 'kept' by the MM. None wanted to lose their positions, but when MM was dying, W cut off OW's 'payments' and OW tried to sue to keep up her payments the sh*t hit the fan and OW was murdered about a year later under somewhat suspicious circumstances.

 

In the novel, the names and details are changed but only just so much. You get to see the whole thing from MM's POV and what made him cheat yet stay married, the W's POV and what kept her there (not something so simple as 'money'), and the OW's POV and why she stayed.

 

It gives some interesting insight to all three sides - sometimes there are no simple answers and no clear cut 'good' or 'bad' guys.

Thanks for sharing that LB, I just might pick that up.

[bohogirl]

I so agree that gaslighting is just so damaging, the, is there someone else questions, the we need to talk questions, the assurance that no there is no one else, the I love you's and the continuing to portray themselves as still in love, still having sex and on the other side of their mouth's to another, the same, the no we aren't sleeping together, the, she doesn't care about what I do, we just share a house. All are made to keep the status quo in both camps. When you are told over and over that there is no one else and are shown love, you believe, because you love, so much

 

The telling the truth will mean that one or the other is hurt and has their dreams smashed to bits. The only one who truly knows is the one with a foot in each camp, no matter how it is dressed up, no matter how we might protest. Each will believe they have the truth, it is the BS who has no choice, and that is the worse thing. If all know and if all are content to live that way, then there is no A, as such, more an open relationship(s). Wouldn't work for me, but whatever floats your boat and doesn't hurt anyone.

 

I couldn't have said this better.

[Holding-On]

Well... back to the original article (is that even allowed? )

 

I feel a great deal of empathy for her current position.

It seems to me that at the time she was indeed exhausted. After having a difficult and colicky baby having that happen would have been a shock. She still seems to be in a fair bit of denial.

 

Personally keeping her family together, her boy's father near them and in their life without the unknown elements of who knows how many girlfriends (I mean open ones) for as long as possible has a great deal of merit. She's going to have a lot more control over where her children are and how much she sees of them if she stays married. It is also understandable that she would want the best possible resources for them.

 

That said the tone of her confession makes me believe she probably will in fact leave some day. She's just working her way through all the shock and pain.

 

If her husband has all those resources, then she is much better off planning now and getting all her ducks in a row well well in advance.

[bohogirl]

Many thanks to all that have contributed. There has been no unpleasantness despite differing viewpoints. Appreciated. I am checking out now.