regret NOT having sex :(

[average guy]

Hi,

 

I just posted on a thread called “will sex bring me out” and the responses I read where quite amazing. I am thrilled that there is a chat place like this for people in need.

 

The comments made me think of a question of my own. It’s sort of in two parts, and aimed at men and women alike.

 

I am just truing 40, happily married with children, good job, life, etc. but I think I am going through (or have just been through – as I have made some major career/relocation changes in the last 5 years) my mid-life crisis. Now this is no big deal except it has brought up a lot of yearning/regrets for the past.

 

The strongest pain comes from “missing” a chance to have sex. I know a lot of the posts here urge people not to have sex until they are ready, but somehow, my regret is at NOT having sex when a genuine nice, comfortable, safe opportunity arose. In short, I was about 15 and (looking back with my old-man’s wise wisdom of the ways of the world), I am sure my girlfriend at the time wanted to have sex, but I could sense she wanted me to make the first move by asking for it. {Just trust me that this was the scenario, as I have no doubts about it having thought about it almost everyday for most of my life}. Anyway, one day I really tried my absolute hardest to literally just say “do you want to have sex?” and I just couldn’t. I was so shy and withdrawn and lacked self-esteem etc. that I just couldn’t open myself up and go out on a limb like that even though I may have had hesitations – it was what I wanted with all my heart, but I think I was just terrified of offending her or being rejected or something silly that could probably have been laughed off.

 

Anyway, my regret is that we drifted apart and I really never felt comfortable with anyone else until I was about 19 to have sex and actually became more withdrawn, angry and isolated (and probably depressed, though I didn’t know it at the time). My regret is that if I had just literary just even said “sex?” she would have said yes, and my dream would have come true and I would have had at least a few happy months (hopefully many more) before we separated (which I know is completely realistic) but I would have had a great beginning of my sexual life and would have probably enjoyed the next 5 years exploring loving sex (I don’t believe in sex without a relationship – as should be obvious) but instead I went the other way and became angry, bitter, depressed, anti-social, drinking, drugs etc.

 

Now I've heard a lot of people tell me it wasn't meant to be, that's life, I wasn't ready, etc. but the pain comes from the spiralling decline I went into afterwards. I feel like I wasted 5 years (and many more if you count the time spent regretting it over the years!) of my life descending into a pit of despair when I could have been growing more mature and happy. It feels like I felt that if I couldn't reach out and make love to the person I cared about most in the world at that time (I didn't have a good family life - in fact I ran away from home a year after this happened) then I was a complete total loser who didn't deserve to love or be loved. If I had just pushed myself harder, I would have been more stable, relaxed, trusting, loving and able to be loved, etc.

 

This is my biggest, deepest regret in life and it all revolves around saying a simple word!

 

It’s taken me years to come to terms with it (through counselling, hypnotherapy, self-healing, meditation, exercise, etc.) and I’ve only just become able to think about letting it go, forgiving myself etc. – but it was 25 years ago! Am I pathetic or what?

 

Anyway, if anyone has any suggestions about dealing with it and letting it go, (or can top my pathetic story so I don't feel so bad I’d sure appreciate them

 

Thanks

 

... your average guy

[dyermaker]

You sacrificed five years of your life on the altar of regret. Isn't that enough?

 

Your pain is caused from a delusional regret, that somehow if you would have had sex, you would have not been depressed for not having sex, and you would have had 5 good years instead of 5 bad years. You claim your pain is caused by regret. If that's the case, why do you continue to reget? You're only causing more pain. I refuse to believe you can't stand up to this, and realize that your youthful sexual encounters or lack thereof is not worth dwelling over for the rest of your life. If I'm wrong, seek counseling.

[look forward]

I agree with dyermaker your pain is manifested by a regret that only you can control.. you have suffered enough because of this.. be strong and let it go its your past and a past that doesn't need to affect the here and now only if you continue to allow it...

 

Let it go and leave it in the past or you will continue to torture yourself unnecessarily..

[moimeme]

You have constructed a fictional series of events that you are mourning in order to punish yourself for being flawed. Cut it out.

 

You did what you could at the time. None of us is perfect, and sometimes we have to take some fairly wide detours on our path. You think that your life would have been perfect had you only had sex - but this is pure speculation. Maybe she would've gotten pregnant and you'd have been stuck marrying her. Maybe you would have grown to dislike each other. Maybe any number of things - you can't possibly say what would have happened. Heck, maybe you might have been going someplace together and both been killed.

 

It is totally unproductive to live in the past. Move on. Look forward to your future and make the best of every day you have from now on.

[average guy]

You are all quite right – I am torturing myself. Even now, sometimes when I am happy I get mad at myself thinking that I should have let myself be happy then, and then I would be happier now – and so it goes in a vicious cycle. I think I have been placing too much importance on “having sex” to make me feel happy, safe and loved, and would probably have eventually been unhappy again even if it had happened (there were a lot of other negative issues in my life at the time).

 

Anyway, it’s good to hear completely impartial perspectives telling me to snap out of it. Sometimes I wonder if making up a happy ending and thinking of that is o.k. (kind of a delusional happiness) because that often does work for me. I wonder if the human brain (or heart) can only take so much pain (I’m not just referring to this sexual encounter – or lack thereof, but the rest of my childhood) and then it needs an alternative reality to believe in to be able to survive. Kind of like the "fictional series of events" that Moimeme mentions, but this time made into a happier "fictional series of events" that make me smiel and feel good about myself. After all, we all need some good childhood memories

 

Thanks again everyone for the reality check ...

 

Cheers

[dyermaker]

I think a huge part of it is that you're so resigned about it. Don't chalk up your behavior to reactions of the human brain or human heart. The heart pumps blood to your brain, so that you can control your thoughts. I know you're not delusional, because you can spell out your problem. If you can see your problem, why can't you get it over with?

 

I know that one draws solace from holding onto some chaos, but to obsess over this for years is a different story--imagine how much happier you'll be when you just let go.

 

Yeah, you look back on the past now, and it sucks. But when you look back on the past years from now, do you want it to still suck?

[spencer]

What is going on right now in your life, when did the obession with this incident start again.

I believe something recent triggered this episode with you. You said you just made some major changes in your life/career.

 

everyone has regrets about the past, "what if i did this instead" thoughts .....but these thoughts are usually fleeting. When someone has an obsession or an inability to stop obsessive thinking, it's in many cases a reflection of something going on now with you that you can't quite focus on.

reflect some more and see if there is something else that may be bothering you.

[average guy]

Thank you everyone for your honest advice - it's like a refreshing bucket of cold water in my face. You are all right - I do need to let it go and forgive myself - I will very hard work on that.

 

And Spencer, I think it could be that we've had a very stressful last 5 years and I may be thinking of what life would have been like with someone else (I'm not naive enough to think it would be with my first girlfriend) but when I do think of her, it's very painful because I imagine her having sex with whoever she wants, partying, marrying the perfect guy, a big house, 3 kids, dog, etc. and it makes me wonder why she gets all the fun in life and I get the pain. (I was in 7 different schools for my last 6 years of school, had no friends to talk to, ran away from home at 16, was self-destructive and into drugs/drinking...but I remained a virgin!) Anyway, you're right, it probably has come up again beacuse of the stress, changes, mid-life crisi, kids entering teenagehood, etc.

 

Thanks again

 

Cheers,

[SoleMate]

Hey, I missed my chance to throw the cold water! But I do agree with what's been said. You're holding on to a chimera. You should read some sci fi to see how many alternative worlds could have been out there.

 

I do see two things that worry me:

 

1) You may be clinically depressed

 

2) Your emotion-filled post said not one word about your wife. She needs to be part of your mental health efforts.

 

Good luck!

[Marty_McFly]

Originally posted by average guy

I am just truing 40, happily married with children, good job, life, etc.

 

These are the key words in your post. There is a HAPPY ENDING!

 

I don't necessarily think that this one event in your life led to those 5 years. Problems like that are manifested over many years of life experiences. I suspect you might have even fallen into that lifestyle regardless. Who knows, maybe if you had acted on it, she would have left you, you would have been devastated, and the same outcome would have followed.

 

When I was in elementary and middle school, the popular books for kids to read were a "Choose Your Own Adventure" series. You would come to a page that required a decision, and based on your choice, you would flip to another page somewhere in the book to continue the story you've chosen. Life is a "Choose Your Own Adventure," made up of the countless choices that we make. We don't get to flip the pages back to our decisions to see the other outcomes, but we have millions more choices that we get to make throughout our lives to get ourselves back on the right track. That's what you have done, and the good news is you will still get to make many more adventures before it's all over. But now you've found the right road, so your adventures will involve your wife, your children, your job, and all the great opportunities you'll still have to continue making the "right" decisions.

 

My own introspection from your story is helping me to get over my own regret. I regret the many things I did wrong that caused me to lose the love of my life. But I'm realizing that I also still have so many opportunities to make more decisions that will hopefully lead me to the happy ending that you have found.

[dyermaker]

We don't get to flip the pages back to our decisions to see the other outcomes

 

Funny, that's exactly what I do with those books

[eagle_nate]

You are living in the past man...25 years worth!

I'm not trying to make you feel bad but why don't you do something about the future, you're still sexually able i assume...go out and meet a nice lady. The longer you sit around feeling sorry for not having the balls to do something you probably shouldn't have, the less likely you'll ever get off.

I was 15 and i did have sex in a similar scenario...am i better off than you? No, i'm in the middle of a painful separation right now...sex is not to blame for your issues man.

Sex is one of the smallest parts of a relationship. get out and get laid, stop crying over the past and change the future.

Nate

[spencer]

Originally posted by average guy

I may be thinking of what life would have been like with someone else (I'm not naive enough to think it would be with my first girlfriend) but when I do think of her, it's very painful because I imagine her having sex with whoever she wants, partying, marrying the perfect guy, a big house, 3 kids, dog, etc. and it makes me wonder why she gets all the fun in life and I get the pain.

 

Hey average guy - This kinda sounds like your life,

(everything you think is her wonderful life)

[average guy]

You are all amazing! Thank you so much for the help!

 

I have decided two things:

 

1. I am probably torturing myself – and it’s a habit I need to break. I actually did for a whole night last night! (nights are the worst for me) and I might need to go back on anti-depressants.

 

2. The whole thing is blown out of proportion. The reason it seems so pivotal in my life is that I am from a very bad family background, and I realise what I saw in her eyes was a chance to escape my world and bathe in the warm, bright love of her world. I can still remember that feeling of wanting to “step into the world behind her eyes”. However, I had never even held a girl’s hand until then (I was very introverted from being hit as a child – and I never saw any display of affection in my family), and I certainly did not know how to kiss (the first time I kissed was in university and she told me to cover my teeth with my lips!) and yet here I am getting down on myself for misreading her signals (asking me to sleep over in her bedroom while her family was away for the night, showing me a photo of her skinny dipping, showing me the “PlayGirl” magazine she kept under her bed, twirling some dildo-shaped kitchen utensil with a mischievous gleam in her eyes. Anyway, I just keep thinking if I had learned to love with her (even just once - I know it would have broken up), but at least I would have been initiated into this world with a warm loving feeling that could have been the basis of learning to love. Instead I shut down and realised that love meant pain and betrayal and literally denied myself the feeling again for many years – like a budding flower not being watered and literally withering and dying.

 

Anyway, I’m ranting on and on, but I really want to thank all of you for taking the time to help a poor stranger. I hope this has helped others like Marty. I’ve often wished I could take all this pain and angst and do something constructive with it like write a book, movie, song, etc. that would help both me and others deal with unrequited lost broken stunted love.

[Codmate]

Just think, if you had had sex with her then, maybe she would have got pregnent and you would have been in an even worse mess?

 

Maybe you would have had a great relationship with her.

 

Who knows.

 

We all plough our own unique path through life. Be thankful for the situation you are in now. Turn your anger and regret into positive forces for action. I think the best way to solve your current problems is to love your wife and children as much as you can.

 

Don't make the mistake I did and dwell on your own insecurities to the detriment of the relationship you are in. It's not your wife's fault that you feel this way at the moment. Evey time you feel regret or anger at your past self, show love to your wife - even if it's just hugging her, telling her you love her or making her a cup of tea

 

I've recently broken up with a wonderful woman who I lived with for six years and I miss those simple things the most. Relish them, treasure them. Covet the love you have and don't be distracted.

 

The sex you missed out on with this girl wouldn't have been any more special than the sex you have with the wife you LOVE now!

 

The chances are that it would have been significantly worse!

Lets face it, none of us are experts in our early teens