by stepchildren's success

[qbert]

I'm hoping someone can give me a little perspective.

 

My stepchildren have both decided to live full-time with their birth father. My stepson (16) moved in with him about two years ago, and now my stepdaughter (14) has also moved in with him.

 

Before they moved in with him, my stepson struggled in school (C's and D's) and my stepdaughter was really angry and rebellious (e.g., running away a few times, a lot of backtalk, etc.).

 

But since they've lived with their father, things have improved considerably for them. My stepson is getting straight A's and has turned into a responsible young man, and my stepdaughter is now enrolled in all advanced level classes and is apparently much less angry and rebellious.

 

On the one hand, that's a wonderful thing. They're not my children and I've only been in their lives for a few years, but I want them to be happy and successful in life.

 

But on the other hand, the whole thing leaves me feeling very confused about how I thought the world worked.

 

On paper, it would appear that we (their mother and I) were the problem. When they were with us, they struggled. Now that their with their father, they are succeeding.

 

But both children have complained often about their father: about how much pressure he puts on them to do well, about how he makes them feel guilty and scared if they don't meet his expectations and about how unfair and inconsistent he is in his rules. Neither of them has ever had anything good to say about him as a parent.

 

On the other hand, we always tried to do what the parenting "experts" advised -- we encouraged but didn't pressure them, we praised their accomplishments and tried to work with them to overcome their challenges, we set a positive example for them, we had predictable rules and consequences, we helped them to set goals for themselves, etc. In other words, we tried to be the best parents we could be, based on what we understood to be the best approaches. But none of that seemed to work.

 

Given everything they've said about their father I'm very confused about why both of them have chosen to live with him at all, and I really don't understand how they could both be succeeding in those conditions.

 

And I have to admit it hurts, especially when friends and relatives ask "how are the kids doing?" and I have to tell them that they're doing much better than they ever did when they were with us. It makes me feel like a failure as a parent, and I know my wife deep down feels the same.

 

I console myself sometimes by telling myself that I just wasn't meant to be a parent, and that I should be thankful that I don't have children of my own. At one time I did want kids of my own, but now those feelings are gone because I just don't trust that I will be a good enough parent to them.

 

So why did our approach fail and why is his succeeding? Are the experts wrong, and is their father's heavy handed approach the way to go?

[candymoon]

That's a tough one and sorry you feel so bad.

 

I think all the experts and shrinks, well most not all, are all full of crap. Kids need some adversity to make it. That is the way we all learn. Too much positive encouragement can encourage mediocrity.The main thing is you did the best you could and that's all anyone can ask. They had a loving home and mother and stepfather to come home to and that's more than a lot of kids have.

 

You obviously care about them a lot and that's wonderful. You b eat the stereotype of a jerkoff stepfather. Don't base your future decision about having kids of your own on this.

 

Don't beat yourself up.

[desertIslandCactus]

Not my expertise .. But, from what I've heard over the years.. Children appear to be homing pidgeons.. Many wish to be with a biological parent in spite of the parent's personality ..

 

Knowing that they have their mother's love and approval, perhaps they are seeking their father's approval?

[KikiW]

It sounds to me like you did try to do everything "right" with positive reinforcement, but these particular kids apparently respond better (?) to negative reinforcement.

 

I know my ex and I work hard to give our daughter boundaries she can respect, and encouragement when she needs it. Both of our partners on more than one occasion has told us they believe we are too lenient or allow her to have her own say too much. Both come from OVERLY strict backgrounds, so we've come to see that the four of us are on opposite ends of the spectrum. It's a huge challenge, but I think they are right and we are right, so we need to find a middle ground.

 

I can see how it must hurt, seeing them be more successful with someone you have negative feelings about. And I feel for your wife - I'm sure she wants the best for her babies, but at the same time wants her to be the one they are best with.

 

All you can do is spend quality time with them when you can, be there and listen if they need to bend your ear, and tell them you care about them and want them to be successful no matter who they live with. You did the best you could, and shouldn't feel bad about it.

[2sure]

Current parenting advice is confusing especially because children in general seem to struggle so much more with academics , emotional issues, and discipline than they did 20 years ago.

 

Old school works. Have demands, have expectations. Life isnt fair, people do get left behind, Parents should be respected adults not buddies. I am here to support you not do your work. I am preparing you not protecting you from being an adult.

 

Its harder. The kids hate it. But it works.

Parenting is humbling , they love you and you love them...thats just as important.

[hotgurl]

some kids need to be pushed my Daughter does. She is really smart but tends to be somewhat lazy so I need to push her.

 

My other question is are they still in the same school or did they switch schools when they went to dads?

 

Schools can make a big difference.

[turnera]

I think it's a combination. Children their age REALLY REALLY need their dad in their lives. I'm sure you were a fine parent to them, but there's an instinctual need to see your dad want you, suppport you, and admire you. Tons of books out there on girls who are missing their father, and all the terrible consequences of that. I'm a perfect example of that.

 

Also, younger kids do need a lot of encouragement, praise, and warm fuzzies. But, getting into teen years, they need something stronger. They need to be pushed and they need to NOT be coddled; it's frustrating to them and confusing, and has them questioning everything. Just the way it is: teens need a strong father figure, and if you (1) held back because you weren't their real dad or (2) have a laid-back mentality, they would be getting increasingly frustrated.

 

Plus, living in his house, seeing that he DOES expect a lot from them, they'll be more likely to do anything to ensure he does admire and respect them.

 

Don't beat yourself up; I'm sure you were just fine as a parent. And it sounds to me like you'd be a great father to your own kids, if your wife is still willing...

[qbert]

Thanks everyone. Some very good advice and thoughts there. And thank you for the encouragement about having our own kids. I'm not sure if that will ever happen, but it's helping me to not feel so bad about my stepkids.

 

One theory I've had is that both kids just feel more comfortable in the world their father creates for them, because that is what they grew up with and so it is what is familiar.

 

Their father is a bully, seems to lie quite a bit and is very manipulative. The kids grew up with that, and their father's overbearing personality and desire to undermine their mother was all they've known for most of their lives.

 

And now both kids show similar behaviours -- moreso than the average teen, based on our discussions with other parents.

 

In our home, we've made it clear that lying, manipulating and bullying are not acceptable behaviours, and we give consequences for it.

 

But the same thing doesn't happen in his home, and while those behaviours may not be acceptable per se, he doesn't really seem to say or do anything to discourage them. He even encourages the kids to lie to us when it suits his needs.

 

So I've had the theory that by telling them that lying, manipulating and bullying is wrong, we make them feel rejected because that is part of who they are. That it's more comfortable for them to live with their father and feel pressured to do well in school than it is to live with us and feel pressured to not be what they've spent their whole lives learning to be.

 

That's a sad thought, but it's the one theory I keep coming back to. I guess time will tell.

[turnera]

I urge you to KEEP talking about it. And add discussions about consequences people face when they choose that route - lost jobs, lost relationships, lost friends, etc. They need to hear actual results of such actions, as they are unable yet to perceive such things. And you may feel they aren't listening, but they are; and they'll remember, somewhere down the road, when they actually get faced with one of those consequences, and may decide to turn to the path of good, lol.

[stillafool]

Not my expertise .. But, from what I've heard over the years.. Children appear to be homing pidgeons.. Many wish to be with a biological parent in spite of the parent's personality ..

 

Knowing that they have their mother's love and approval, perhaps they are seeking their father's approval?

 

I think this is interesting. Most children I know strive for their father's approval. It's as if they already know they have their mother's approval.

[turnera]

I think this is interesting. Most children I know strive for their father's approval. It's as if they already know they have their mother's approval.

Absolutely. That's well documented in psychology texts - mother gives unconditional love; it's the father's respect we all crave.