grumpy ole man

[sara]

my b'f of two years has such a changing mood, not a disorder but he goes from being so sweet one minute then cranky the next. i never know what is going to come from him. his job stresses him out but he wont change. he is so impatient too. i love him dearly and we have a great thing going except this. i ask him why he is crabby and he says that i'm the one that is crabby when in fact i'm not, i know when i am. he isn't mean or anything like that, he is just snotty. sometimes i feel like leaving him cause of his attutude. i get in my moods too tho. but he seems a little extreme maybe cause of his type A personality, i don't know. when i think of leaving him and i picture myself calm and not having to hurry or defend myself i feel relief, but then i picture how it is with him when he isn't like that, which isn't alot of the times just sometimes. it's the only thing that really irks me and i can't see leaving him about something so stupid. there must be something i can do for myself to protect myself when he gets in these moods. any suggestions? thank you

[Rogue]

When does he get crabby exactly? Does he get crabby at certain times of the day,like say a few hours after coming home from work? Does he get crabby with you not there? If he does all that it could be he is just "winding down" from a bad day at work,and just give him some room to calm down when he gets home.

 

If he doesn't do all that then he could just be crabby about some issue unknown to you.Next time he's crabby, ask him ,gently,what's wrong.Ask him if it's something you did.If he won't tell you what's wrong or says it's not your fault,then tell him to stop punishing you because you don't deserve it! But don't push the issue too much,just let him know you don't appreciate being at ground zero everytime his temper flares,especially when you're not at fault.

[Tony T]

It sounds like your boyfriend came from an extremely dysfunctional family. I would even bet one or both of his parents were alcoholics.

 

His severe moodswings are pretty typical of a person who came from a screwed up family. The behavior is also characteristic of someone who is phobic of intimacy and uses these moodswings to avoid very close relationships.

 

He needs a lot of therapy. If he won't work on improving this aspect of his personality...and it will take a few years of going into his past and restructuring his emotional constitution...you will not enjoy being around him for a lifetime.

 

He probably doesn't feel very alive when things are calm and feels very much at home during the chaotic phase of his behavior. I would bet his childhood was filled with chaos from this family. If one of his parents was either physically or emotionally distant or not there at all, this would account for his desire not to get too close to anyone...a fear of abandonment. If he uses the mood thing to create distance, that is his protection from having a really close relationship...which he is not used to and would be uncomfortable with and fearful of.

 

You have a lot of work to do here...and he has a hell of a lot more. You have to ask yourself if you want to make the kind of major committment that will be required to cure this dude of some real serious problems that have been with him since his very early days.

[serenity]

my b'f of two years has such a changing mood, not a disorder but he goes from being so sweet one minute then cranky the next. i never know what is going to come from him. his job stresses him out but he wont change. he is so impatient too. i love him dearly and we have a great thing going except this. i ask him why he is crabby and he says that i'm the one that is crabby when in fact i'm not, i know when i am. he isn't mean or anything like that, he is just snotty. sometimes i feel like leaving him cause of his attutude. i get in my moods too tho. but he seems a little extreme maybe cause of his type A personality, i don't know. when i think of leaving him and i picture myself calm and not having to hurry or defend myself i feel relief, but then i picture how it is with him when he isn't like that, which isn't alot of the times just sometimes. it's the only thing that really irks me and i can't see leaving him about something so stupid. there must be something i can do for myself to protect myself when he gets in these moods. any suggestions? thank you

You should stick with it. Obviously, your boyfriend has a reason for his dismay. If I were you, I would suggest, not controlling his life by odering him to make decisions. Instead, I would suggest him to find another career which would make him more happy. Everyone goes through times in their lives by which they are stresed. If you truly love your man you should stand by him, and wait patiently for the man you fell in love with to find you anew. It is up to you if you think he is worth waiting for.