She's unsure and feels trapped

[Woggle]

she can't have her cake and eat it... she is not happy, you move out... no questions!

 

I agree. He is a grown man so he can move out if he wants.

[HawksRule]

*Update*

Our home actually is a place given by my employer with my employment. Which is why she won't let me move out. I won't give her a time line to move out because if she wants to move out, it's her decision, not mine.

 

As for her guy friends. I was finally introduced to one of the main new ones. he's a nice guy, we live in a small place so he's friends with many of my friends. He's also not very attractive (very obese, not trying to be mean). So I'm not threatened by him. My friends tell me I have nothing to worry about in regards to being replaced (since most of them are friends with her new friends).

 

On a side note she also told me she's confused that I'm okay with her going out without me, and even try to help give her options of who she can live with if she wants to move out. She figured I would/should be mad about the whole thing. I mean of course I want her to go out with her, and I want her to stay. But I figured I need to give her the space she wants/needs. Should I be mad?

 

As for taking photos in public, I don't think it was taking photos with her in public that she disliked, but maybe just being out with me in general that was smothering her. We went out with her family the other day to take professional family photos. We had some photos taken of just us together (she wore her ring on her own accord) and when they were developed she put them in a frame in the house. She's also posted some pictures of us together on facebook recently. So that can't be that bad either.

 

As for public stuff, yeah PDA in the clubs/bars when together not so much, but she still dances with me (and seems to enjoy it). Regarding public status, all her new friends are also facebook friends and her facebook status, shows we're still engaged. She still wears her ring every now and then, but I try not to pester her about it and let her wear it when she wants to.

 

 

Meanwhile our wedding date is a good 9 months from now. I think it's safe to say regardless if we work things out or not, we're not ready to get married (or at least set a date yet). We should probably tell people publicly that it's been postponed until further notice. I wonder if this would help alleviate some stress off of her, but at the same time it could backfire as well.

 

 

Anyway, yesterday was an amazing day. Her family just left (and I was extremely afraid any good times we had was a front to put on in front of them). But she called me in the morning she wanted both of us to skip work and just spend the entire day together like we used to. The day consisted of watching TV together, her telling me she loves me, napping, spent barely any of the day texting her friends, shopping, some intimacy, random talks about our future potential babies/family, lunch/dinner. All in all, a fantastic day for both of us.

 

 

So yeah, it's just weird because sometimes it seems like she's so hell bent on wanting to just leave me (and if that's the case, I want to do whatever if necessary so she can get what she wants). And other times like yesterday, I feel the love is still there, she's not gone yet, that I just need to continue being the best me I can be, be patient, and that she does want to make things work (we finally schedule our first MC session for next week). I think I will schedule some IC as well. Is it good to use our MC for my own IC? or maybe use someone else?

[HawksRule]

HawksRule- You can tell her you are going to counselling but it shouldn't be "look how much I am willing to do to keep you." You need to acknowledge your contributions to this relationship failing and whether or not she sticks around, I think you need to work on your issues.

 

That makes sense. And that is a better way to look at it.

 

I have another question.

 

Despite our current status, my fiancee and I are still engaged. We have not publicly called off anything. Hell she still wears her ring every now and then. When she was first unsure about everything, she still wore her ring, but when she finally started not wearing it majority of the time was yes...when i told her about kissing the stripper. Understandable.

 

Anyway, when she wears the ring I feel comfortable with giving her space she wants/needs as well as not being jealous if she goes out. Should I tell her to keep wearing the ring unless our official status does really change, or just leave it be. And expect that she's not going to wear her ring most of the time, but the few times she does wear it, just appreciate the fact that she's wearing it on her own accord?

[that girl]

Should I tell her to keep wearing the ring unless our official status does really change, or just leave it be. And expect that she's not going to wear her ring most of the time, but the few times she does wear it, just appreciate the fact that she's wearing it on her own accord?

I really don't think you are in a position to tell her much of anything.

 

You don't seem to understand how monumentally you have screwed up. You keep coming back to "Why isn't she sure about marrying me?" and "Why aren't we having more sex?" when you kissed a stripper and updated your own car rather than getting her one after she sold her car for your joint move.

 

We should probably tell people publicly that it's been postponed until further notice. I wonder if this would help alleviate some stress off of her, but at the same time it could backfire as well.

If you haven't sent save the dates, I don't think you need to go out of your way to tell anyone.

 

She can't afford to move out, yet she has the money to go out four nights a week? Trust me, she can borrow money from a friend, from family.

It sounds like the OP might owe her money considering the move. Yeah, I know his employer is paying the rent, but considering the car issue I think he might owe her money.

[HawksRule]

I really don't think you are in a position to tell her much of anything.

 

You don't seem to understand how monumentally you have screwed up. You keep coming back to "Why isn't she sure about marrying me?" and "Why aren't we having more sex?" when you kissed a stripper and updated your own car rather than getting her one after she sold her car for your joint move.

 

 

If you haven't sent save the dates, I don't think you need to go out of your way to tell anyone.

 

 

It sounds like the OP might owe her money considering the move. Yeah, I know his employer is paying the rent, but considering the car issue I think he might owe her money.

 

ring - that's what I figured. I'll leave it alone.

 

Monumental screw up - Yes I did. I appreciate your honesty. I need to remind myself this daily.

 

wedding date - invitations weren't sent, but save the dates were. The save the dates were received around the same time everything start happening. I brought up the idea earlier today about telling our friends/family that the wedding would be postponed until further notice. She said she thought it was already assumed given we definitely won't have the money by the set wedding date to afford it at this time, and that given our current state it'd just be a whole lot more stress than we need right now. But still we haven't really publicly sent anything.

 

I know she gave up A LOT for me in this move. this is why I am willing to help her move out if she needs, and/or do things like pay for all our bills while she finishes school. Just because yes we made the move together and I need to keep my end of the bargain. But yeah she doesn't want to take hand outs. I understand not wanting to accept hand outs, or feel more trapped but just trying to offer more options for her. I currently do take care of probably 75% of the shared bills right now.

Edited September 29, 2010 by HawksRule

[Crazy Magnet]

There is no doubt in my mind why this girl is ticked off. I would be too! She gives up everything for YOU and you CHEAT on her and then are so SELFISH as to buy yourself a new car when you HAVE one and leave her trapped at home. You have clearly demonstrated that you are out for no one but yourself and you wonder why she is suddenly only looking out for her best interest?

 

At this point you should be monumentally groveling. You cheated on her!!!!!!!!!!! That makes you pond scum. For all we know you screwed the stripper too. Currently she is graciously not kicking your ass and dumping you. Had she come to this forum and said "My fiance kissed a stripper" we would all tell her to run for the hills because you will probably cheat on her again.

 

From what I can see this relationship is pretty much over. She's financially trapped (thanks to her sacrifice for you) and is probably biding her time until she can get out. I don't blame her. I'd leave a cheater too.

 

Who financed this move? If it was her, pay her back pronto. Otherwise you continue to suck.

 

You should start by owning up to how big of a BUTT you are and tell her that you realize how much you suck. If you aren't owning up to how you have been a HORRIBLE fiance in the relationship then there's nothing anyone can do for you.

 

I'd like to say let her go find a real man who treats her right.

[HawksRule]

There is no doubt in my mind why this girl is ticked off. I would be too! She gives up everything for YOU and you CHEAT on her and then are so SELFISH as to buy yourself a new car when you HAVE one and leave her trapped at home. You have clearly demonstrated that you are out for no one but yourself and you wonder why she is suddenly only looking out for her best interest?

 

At this point you should be monumentally groveling. You cheated on her!!!!!!!!!!! That makes you pond scum. For all we know you screwed the stripper too. Currently she is graciously not kicking your ass and dumping you. Had she come to this forum and said "My fiance kissed a stripper" we would all tell her to run for the hills because you will probably cheat on her again.

 

From what I can see this relationship is pretty much over. She's financially trapped (thanks to her sacrifice for you) and is probably biding her time until she can get out. I don't blame her. I'd leave a cheater too.

 

Who financed this move? If it was her, pay her back pronto. Otherwise you continue to suck.

 

You should start by owning up to how big of a BUTT you are and tell her that you realize how much you suck. If you aren't owning up to how you have been a HORRIBLE fiance in the relationship then there's nothing anyone can do for you.

 

I'd like to say let her go find a real man who treats her right.

 

I appreciate your honesty.

 

I have no reason to lie to a complete online stranger. Yes I kissed the stripper, no nothing more than that happened. yes, it's still cheating and there is no way for her or you to know for sure nothing more happened. it's up to her if she wants to start trusting me again. I've got nothing to hide from her (other than romantic surprises).

 

As for the move. She sold her car because we could not afford to ship her car. But the finance of the move was actually 60-80% by me and my employer. But yes, I should not have selfishly upgraded my car. Damage is done. Sadly I cannot get rid of the truck either as the loan I would need to pay the difference back to the bank did not get approved.

 

I've apologized to her so much about how much scum I've been, but at the same time I haven't straight up grovelled to her feet because I know she doesn't trust my words. and I have been trying to do the whole "action speak louder than words" thing. So are you telling me even if it falls upon deaf ears, I should still tell her how sorry I truly am that I am scum and I am going to change?

 

 

if she will take me back, I know I will treat her right. But If she wants to go, I will let her go, I am trying to let her go if that's what she truly wants. But she won't take any hand outs. I'm still kind of stuck.

[HawksRule]

Look, if you think you took unfair financial advantage of her (it doesn't really sound like you did, though--she willingly went along for the ride, she's an adult, if things didn't work out--tough luck), then tote up how much money you think you owe her, make whatever arrangements you need to for paying it back, then kick her out.

 

She's either in or out of the personal relationship, it sounds like she's out. Then she needs to get out, get her own place to live, get her own job, her own car. She's an adult and needs to start acting like one.

 

She does finally have her own job, and a car with a reasonable car payment. She is working part time currently, which is why she's stuck with me. When she becomes full time, she will be able to live on her own, but she will not be able to afford to go to school at the same time.

 

Anyway yesterday seemed like another good day, but at the end of the night she told me she was angry. Angry because nothing is enough for her. She knows I'm a good guy and we'll be happy together, but why isn't it enough anymore, that she'll still have this want for that single independent life. She also knows that if she goes out and does the single life she also wants, she's not going to want it for too long either.

[Crazy Magnet]

Ok, so I was a bit harsh before. I really dislike cheaters.

 

I've been in her shoes before. I had been with a guy for 2 years and, though I always had my suspicions, it took him that long to admit he had cheated on me. I lasted another 6 months before I realized there was no way I could trust him again.

 

When trust is completely destroyed it takes time to build it back. A loooooooooooooong time. That is IF it can ever truly be rebuilt in the first place.

 

If she was happier where you lived before can you offer to pay to move her back? It sounds like she has many levels of miserable she's living in right now.

 

About the truck? Did you not talk that purchase over with her?

[jmsclayton]

Hi

 

sharing -see responses below yours

 

Anyway...let me wrap up.

 

Bad Signs - Every now and then she gets a break down. Mainly when she starts thinking about money and finances.

 

Judith; One of womens needs in a romantic relationship is security of finances. Trust is huge becuase it plays a big role in sex as well.

 

During this time, she'll tell me she's completely disconnected from me. If she had the money she would leave me. She doesn't want to make things work with us. She doesn't want to be together. She loves me, but is not in love with me.

 

Judith: Are you romancing her like you were to bring back the interest of her wanting to be in connection t you? DAte nite once a week to talk about these crucial things

 

Lack of sex, she still does not want to go out with me and/or invite me out ever with her friends at this moment. She also has stopped wearing her ring for about 3 weeks now (she took it off when i told her about the stripper kiss thing).

 

Judith: Give her time. She needs to process what she is feeling then and now to weigh her choices. SHe probably wants to stay with you but you need to earn her trust back.

 

Also anything I bring up to see if she wants to at least try to make us work (look at photos, couple activities, etc.), she's either unsure, or doesn't even want to try. As if she's waiting for some kind of spark to make her fall back in love with me, and if not she's gonna leave.

 

Judith: Well women relate emotionally and relationally and mentally and it takes time for her to realize that she is probably feeling ambivanlent and doesn't know what to do. Have you ask her? Maybe romance her and see about how that will bring back something. The interest needs to be there. Women like love notes etc.

 

Good signs - Well she is still living with me right now. I mean if someone wants to leave you, no matter the case, they will find a way to leave you.

 

Judith: Yes. Probably has trauma in her past.

 

It could be just a face because her mom is here, but when this weekend was good. We watched movies and she made it a point to sit with me and cuddle with me. We do still have some intimacy (cuddling, making out, etc.) We still sleep in the same bed, and she still cuddles with me or asks me to cuddle her as well as give her massages before bed.

 

Judith: Well continue this and hang in there-this willl lead back to what you and she is wanting. IT is hard for a man to wait but it is vital. Try do this every nite if possible.

 

Even when I attempt to give her space and cut off communication, she still texts/calls me. She also tells me even though most of the time she wants this single independent life so bad.

 

Judith: Did she have a single life before she met you? That can be a part of it if she didnt'. It is good that she is text you to a degree.

 

Sometimes when she sees kids, she wants so badly to have a kid...and have a kid...with me...so that must count for something right?

 

Judith: Yes.

 

we still kiss frequently, and every now and then she does tell me she loves me. Her Mom knows about our issues and suggested counseling. She has agreed to give it a shot. At the same time, she hasn't told me that she's made her decision to leave me. The engagement hasn't been publicly called off yet.

 

Judith: It is vital that you have some kind of counseling if something. She hasn't made a move by the engagement, I would call it off.

 

Anyway there's a lot of things in our relationship that is definitely on the fence. I also know the ball is completely in her court. I think what's difficult is I know I want to try, and there are times I feels she's trying, but other times it feels like she's just putting on a face and waiting to be financially independent enough to leave me. i.e. like the counseling, when I brought it up, she was completely against it because she did not want to try it at all and just was done with us.

 

Judith: Have you talked with her yet about why she hesitates? Financial security is huge for a woman regardless if she is married or not

 

But when her Mom approached her with it. She know is willing to try it. Which I can take as a good thing because at least she's gonna try. but at the same time I wonder if she's just going through the motions and we're going to be just wasting a whole lot of time/money. When she tells me she feels trapped and wants to leave me, she seems so sure of it, and I'm thinking about just cutting ties and making it easier for her to leave me. but yet at the same time she is still (somewhat) trying...so yeah it's hard to know what to do.

 

Judith: Sometimes a woman has to work through her emotions to come to a realization about -what she wants. If trauma is in her past-it will be a challenge to... see what she wants. Where do things stand now?

 

Thoughts?

 

p.s. Other than the stripper kiss thing, another major strike was that I upgraded my car, when she had none. it was a selfish move. I'm thinking about as a gesture, selling back the car and re-using the free car I was given to me by my parents. Because yes, she means more to me than a stupid car. But yeah at this point, I'm just so afraid of doing anything that may push her even more away.

 

Judith: Ask her-a woman needs talk and communication besides actions.

 

What do you think?

 

Judith