8 months married and it all falls apart...

[jazzfan4144]

We were together over 4 years before getting married. She is 22 and I'm 26. The relationship was built on secrecy since her parents were against this. Once I was welcomed into the family everything was good. I took my time deciding she was the one I would spend forever with, while she asked me almost everyday to marry her.

 

Sparing the details, I found out about 3 weeks ago that she cheating on me 3 times with the same man. I read many other posts that discussed the cheater wanting to reconcile, but my situation is slightly different. Her "excuse" is that she never got to find herself. She spent these years pleasing me and not herself. And now that this comes out, she feels the need to go out and find herself. She has made no contact with the man in over a month. She has made no promises that this marriage will last, but believes time away will allow her to realize what she may lose and end up coming back.

 

So I'm sure most of you reading this would be quick to tell me to just walk away and start fresh. There in lies the problem. She is my everything! I have put the last 5 years of sacrificing and devotion and love into something I truely believe would last forever. I can not imagine starting over. I don't wanna imagine a world without her. Call me a fool, call me a pushover but I want this to work. I'm willing to work so that this never happens again.

 

Instead of posts telling me to run, does anyone have advice as to how to convince her that this can work. Before this happened I considered myself the luckiest man alive. That's why it's so hard to just give up. Please help!

[Bryanp]

You have been married 8 months and she has cheated on you 3 times with the same guy putting your health at risk for STD's and betraying your wedding vows. She tells you she wishes to separate and find herself (which means being allowed to date anyone she wishes without interference). I know you asked not to hear this but you need to look into an annulment. If she cheats on you during your honeymoon phase then what do you think your future will be when things get tough? She had made a complete mockery of your short marriage and has played you for a fool. Please cut your losses and find someone in the future who will love, respect and value what a marriage commitment is. She clearly is way too immature to be married. You have married a girl that wants to run around and play around "to find herself). It is clear that now she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[spriggig]

...She has made no promises that this marriage will last, but believes time away will allow her to realize what she may lose and end up coming back.

Statistically, once they leave i.e. move out, they don't come back.

I'm willing to work so that this never happens again.

Well, you're half way there. However, what you're willing to do is irrelevant if she has left the building. Sorry, 50% is an F--as in it takes two to make a marriage.

She is my everything!

Here is your biggest mistake (that you've told us so far). You think this is "love" but really it just builds resentment on both sides. You have to be able to offer yourself to her as a whole person. If you're nothing without her, do you expect her to want nothing?

 

Does it help at all to know that the thing with the other guy is probably just as meaningless as your marriage? The truth hurts, but it's better to find out now, before (I assume) you had kids and a retirement fund for her to raid.

 

Here's the most realistic advice you'll get: if you really are in this for the long haul, divorce her now, marry someone hotter with a solid pre-nup (good luck on that) and your ex will come running back and ask you to cheat with her in about, oh say, five years. It's ugly but it happens all the time, just like cheating.

[whichwayisup]

She has made no promises that this marriage will last, but believes time away will allow her to realize what she may lose and end up coming back.

 

Basically she means, I am going to see and be with the OM, maybe others too, and when I realize I've made a big mistake, realize what I'm giving up, I'll come back to you.

 

That's BULLCRAP!

 

She can "find" herself through counselling. She can focus on growing as person by living up to her vows. She can gain life experience by working, being with friends, family and YOU!

 

She isn't ready to live up to her vows, be a loving and supportive wife. She isn't ready to build a life and create a family. She sounds passive and immature. Why on earth didn't she speak up a long time ago?

 

Question is, is the love you have with her and what you've built with her so far, worth saving? Only you can answer that.

[karnak]

 

Here's the most realistic advice you'll get: if you really are in this for the long haul, divorce her now, marry someone hotter with a solid pre-nup (good luck on that) and your ex will come running back and ask you to cheat with her in about, oh say, five years.

 

Sad, but true.

[Trojan John]

I don't know that you could convince her, but you could try to make her jealous. Show her, as hard as it will be, the least amount of attention possible. Make your own routine without her. Meet friends, etc., and give her as little information about what you're doing as possible.

 

It could backfire possibly, but what do you have to lose?

[PegNosePete]

I read many other posts that discussed the cheater wanting to reconcile, but my situation is slightly different. Her "excuse" is that she never got to find herself.

Sorry dude, but this is very common... it was the same for me in fact. My STBX was always overweight but she lost a lot for the wedding, and within 9 months she was cheating on me. She said it was because she never got much attention from men before and couldn't handle it - although she had far more BF's that I had GF's in the past. It's just an excuse to cheat, as I'm sure you're aware, from the quote marks you used.

 

She has made no promises that this marriage will last

Did she not agree to FORSAKING ALL OTHERS, TIL DEATH DO US PART? Maybe that means something different where you come from?!

 

So I'm sure most of you reading this would be quick to tell me to just walk away and start fresh.

Walk away and start fresh.

 

I can not imagine starting over. I don't wanna imagine a world without her. Call me a fool, call me a pushover but I want this to work. I'm willing to work so that this never happens again.

You're a fool, and a pushover. Well actually you're just in love, nothing wrong with that, you should be at this stage in a marriage. Unfortunately your wife is at a totally different stage.

 

The best way to make sure it never happens again is to get a divorce and find someone who has already "found herself". We're here for you buddy. Starting over is not as hard as you think, and most of us here have done it (or are doing it). Look at me... I was married for 9 months when I found she was cheating on me. She said pretty much exactly the same things yours is saying. She wanted to find herself, find out what she wanted in life, she loves me but is not in love, BLAH BLAH BLAH. You have to ignore what she says... look at what she does. She cheated on you multiple times within a year of getting married, and is showing no remorse whatsoever. She wants to move out so that she has freedom to do whatever she wants, with whoever she wants. She has no interest in fixing the marriage that she has broken.

 

Instead of posts telling me to run, does anyone have advice as to how to convince her that this can work

You don't want to convince her that it can work. You want her to want it to work of her own accord. If she doesn't want it, then it won't work. And she obviously doesn't want it, else she'd be at your door right now, begging forgiveness for what she has done.

Edited September 14, 2010 by PegNosePete

[Untouchable_Fire]

So I'm sure most of you reading this would be quick to tell me to just walk away and start fresh. There in lies the problem. She is my everything! I have put the last 5 years of sacrificing and devotion and love into something I truely believe would last forever. I can not imagine starting over. I don't wanna imagine a world without her. Call me a fool, call me a pushover but I want this to work. I'm willing to work so that this never happens again.

 

Well... there is your problem. Only 1 woman in allowed in a heterosexual relationship... stop trying to take that role away from her.

 

Grow a pair of balls and act like your moving on. It's hard, I know! I've had to do this twice.

 

Bottom line is that you think talking/acting like this is romantic to her, and it would be if she was not fixating on another guy. So, instead she sees your attitude as weak womanly nauseating crap caused by sheer desperation and fear.

 

Time to do a 180. Take a hard stance with her. Your F***ing worth it and your not going to take her crap. Tell her you want to think and don't want her interfering with that. Take 1 week to put yourself together, then tell her to choose now! You or the open road.

 

Yeah.... I know you probably just had a mini stroke thinking... what if she doesn't choose me? Well... then you know its over and you can move on. And if you can't move on.... she will never choose you.

 

I've had 1 cheating woman come crying back doing this... It took a month and I'd changed my mind by then... but it worked. I'm currently in process with the second... I don't really care if it works with her, but I can see some signs it is... she wont stop texting me even though I almost never reply.

[LuminousZ]

does anyone have advice as to how to convince her that this can work

 

 

First you have to convince her not to have sex with other men.

 

If this is a starting point.., why are all the waving flags R E D?

 

Can't you see the RED FLAGS?

 

You Can NOT start here. Move on

[Darren Steez]

Ok, she cheated on you 3 times, now feeds you some crap with absolves her from any guilt and you like the shining knight love her so much you are willing to do anything to get her back. Firstly you are married and you took vows, to be faithfully to one another, in love and in health, its just been 8 months and she cheated on you three times!!! She took another man and made love to him, 3 times, do you think she was thinking of you then? She knows you very well, because she knows she can push your buttons and feed you crap and you will swallow, probably beg her to come back and do anything to win her back...oh hey, here we are!! You indeed have little to no self respect because you've invested so much time in winning this woman, who 8 months in has already cheated 3 times, and she's your everything?! It doesn't seem you are her everything. Her actions have to have consequences otherwise, one month, two years or more down the road when she feels the need, she will do this again. This was not a mistake! She wilfully cheated on you, planned it and went ahead with it, her "love" for you didnt stop her, indeed she probably enjoyed ****ing him so much she went back for more..and you want to win her back! She either works at this marriage with you or she ships out and make it clear this is not a threat, this will happen. Have self respect, does this woman really deserve the love and respect you readily show her but she doesnt return? Good luck and keep us updated.

[Iconoclast]

First step is total exposure, to everyone. If you can"t go there then it's time to move on. Are you ready for hell?

[wicar1]

don't be a loser...just divorce the b****. She has cheated you 3 times in the last 8 months....well that says it all