pgaffer1 Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 Need some help!!! Should I visit my ex-girlfriend who (officially) broke-up with me a few weeks ago? The story- we dated for 4 years (me 35, her 29) and she constantly asked when we were going to get married during the first 2-3 years. I always told her eventually (no set timeframe). She moved to another state after 3 years (she needed the job). She cried because she still wanted to marry me...she said she wouldn't go if that meant we were not going to get married. As you can imagine our relationship hit the skids, we only saw each other every other weekend and eventually the relationship became a routine (mostly my fault). A couple months ago she told me she was depressed with life. I thought she was just in a rut. About a month ago she told me she was seeing a psychiatrist (very unusual for her). The next week she called me up crying because she didn't want to see me anymore... to use her words, "she couldn't handle any relationships right now and she needed to get herself together". When I sent her an email the next day she wrote back and told me she was crying all the time. Being head over heals in love (and acting way too desperate), I sent her flowers, cards, and emails every week and left her phone message after phone message. She responded only once to say I didn't need to do those things, that she felt hurt that I was hurt, and that she was hurting as well. Well, I kept doing the same thing, thinking I was supporting her, but what I was really doing is pushing her away. You can guess the result- she eventually sent me an email and said it's over, she was not in love with me anymore, go find someone else, she would eventually pay me back the money she owed me, and goodbye. I freaked at first, but the next day I just sent her an email and told her- (1) I was sorry for the constant attention (2) I bought the engagement and wedding rings over a year ago, and (3) I have been saving money for the wedding and a house. All true statements but not the cause of the break-up and probably no help to my cause. I let our relationship get into a boring routine, which worked for me because I knew I was (eventually) going to marry her and the routine was easy on the pocketbook. Sad story. I had someone special who was head over heals in love with me and I let her get away. Backed to my question- should I pay her a SUPRISE visit next weekend? Thus far, she has not called me or taken my calls. I expect her to respond to my email tomorrow and say she is sorry I bought the rings, but goodbye. Well, okay but I have a hard time breaking up via email (or even the phone if she calls) after four years. I want to see her face one last time (and I sure I'll want to see it one last time again) and, secondarily, I want to get some of my things at her place that I know she would have a hard time physically shipping back. Do you think this is good idea or a bad idea? Again, it would be a surprise visit. I would try to be a little bit humorous/lighthearted/somewhat accepting during the short visit. I would grab some of my things, tell her I don't blame her for losing interest, make light hearted fun at myself, and ask if I could come back the next day to get my bigger items. Obviously, my intentions have nothing to do with my stuff. I just want to crack open the door she shut and, if it has to end, I would like to say goodbye in person. Any thoughts??? Anyone??? Please, please, please, please!!! (does that sound desperate enough...I'm getting good at it) Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 NO. No surprise visit. Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 Don't do it. Very bad idea. She won't like it. She'll contact you if she wants to see you. Write her a letter and ask for your stuff back or send a mutual friend or relative. Leave her alone. I'm talking in short sentences to try and get through the fog of your desperation, it's sad but it's over. Maybe she'll reconsider when she's got her head sorted out but I wouldn't put my money on it. Give up and get on with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
jams Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 hey, Don't you ever think that in your heart of hearts you must have wanted the relationship to finish since you let it get into a routine? Now you are reacting to the loss of a long term relationship and that fact that some one who has been in your life for a long time isn't going to be there any more and suddenly are showering her with roses etc...its not really a neutral state to be in. if you bought the rings etc and did really want to get married sometime then why didn't you tell her that considering it was so high on her list of priorities? She could have helped save money for the wedding and the house. i think sometimes we have our own way of telling ourselves what we really think without actually voicing it mentally... your withdrawal from her and the fact that you delayed telling her about the proposed wedding suggest that you still didn't want to committ to her as much as she wanted you to. good luck Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 She stated clearly she doesn't want or need a relationship at this time. I'm sorry you feel bad about the breakup, but you two did apparently drift apart. Respect her wishes and don't visit her. Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 Don't do it. It's over. Have a friend call her and set up an appointment to pick up your stuff and take any of her stuff that you have. Look at it from her POV. You were in a rut for a long time and things ended, then you started sending her gifts and emailing and calling, etc. That sounds like stalking. If you show up on her doorstep you might just scare her into getting a restraining order against you! I'm only half-joking. She's seeing, or has seen, a psychiatrist. Good for her, she is getting her life together. If you cared for her you will leave her alone so she can heal and make her own life. Its sad and I'm sorry -- but you've had your closure -- time to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pgaffer1 Posted February 24, 2004 Author Share Posted February 24, 2004 Thank you everyone. You saved my ego from complete destruction. A few minutes before I sent my first post, I was literally one click away from jumping on that plane. Something told me to hold off. It must have been all of you screaming- don't be a freak’n idiot!!! Now, hoping I'm not going too far to the other extreme to protect myself, I'm going to completely move on (as strange and hard as that sounds to me). If/when she replies to my last email to her, I'm simply going to delete it without reading it. There cannot be any good news in it and, if there is, she can always call. Jams, you're right, I should have told her my plans. She even told me one time she would buy the ring herself and I said no that's my job (I never told her anything more). As far as marriage in general, I have always been leery of it. I always ask myself how much the fear of commitment played a role in this break-up. It’s hard to lose a long time best friend. Well, she probably had a year or two to get over me. I'm going to try to do it in two months and then come back to her for my money and stuff. I think dealing with her right now over the money is only going to make me feel worse and drag this break-up out additional weeks. I already asked her to take a cash advance on a credit card and pay me back (she makes a very good living, but she has a bunch of school loans). I plan to mail her W-2s and credit card applications that came to me in the mail. She doesn't know exactly how much she owes me or what stuff I want back. I figure I will deal with the details in a couple months. If she doesn't pay me back, the fun begins. At least by then I'll be in much better spirits (I hope). Please please, let me know your thoughts on my new plan, did I get it right this time? Again to all, thank you, thank you, and thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 Very sad story. It's not the first time I've seen a post about a woman who left for good because she wanted marriage and waited years for a proposal. And the guy figured there was no rush. What was going through your head for that year the ring sat in your drawer? Did you two not talk about what each of you dreamed and hoped for...and how you could work together to make it come true? Did you know that each of you should be meeting the other's needs, and that's how you sustain love and build a relationship? Next time, I'm sure you'll handle it differently. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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